Ladies and Gentlemen –
It’s hard to imagine the excitement we all experienced on the opening weekend of the 2020 college football season (“Yes”, that was sarcasm) and that feeling of euphoria hasn’t left us as we roll into week two (again, that was sarcasm)
EDITORS NOTE: Noted exception to the above joyful feeling (real or imagined) would be the Big 10 Conference, the PAC 12 and the Mountain West Conference.
We have a few things to discuss before we get to Your Week 2 Picks.
So, let’s get to it
Weekend Rewind…
“Typically,” on an opening weekend Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator Picks around 75 to 90 games, this past week I picked “9” games. Yeah, I know….
That being said, The CFB Wizard was a pitiful 5 and 4 or 55% for week one AND I missed the “Upset Special” as well.
Due to this lackluster performance I have taken it upon myself to exercise some well worn and quite successful “Good Luck” traditions in an effort to change my prognostication fortunes this week.
What are those rituals you may be asking?
I cannot divulge the secrets per se because it’s a prognostication thing, I will however say the “key” ingredient is something that sounds a lot like “Shmalcohol”.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
CENTRAL ARKANSAS: It’s important to remember that the Mighty Bears of Central Arkansas have already won more football games this year than Michigan, Ohio State and Southern California will win this entire season, combined.
Go Bears
NAVY: Hey I have an idea….
How about practicing (maybe a couple of times) before you have a football game?
Just an idea
BIG TEN CONFERENCE: Now from the Conference that can’t perform simple math…
Commissioner Kevin “Flip Flop” Warren has now stated that the conference “may” start practicing football “around” Mid-November after the Presidential Election.
What’s interesting about this development is the Commissioner’s interest in the outcome of the election as well as his unusual influence he is trying to exert to further his interest.
Kevin has made overtures that the reason college football isn’t being played in the Big 10 this year is because its President Donald Trump’s fault. One can assume that his comments were made to “sway” the fans in his political direction.
“IF” you think I am off base here, then you should see former Vice President Joe “Hasn’t seen the football since Kickoff” Biden’s commercials in the Big 10 viewing area. You guessed it…
He is blaming the President of the United States for the Big 10 NOT playing football this season.
BIG TEN CONFERENCE PART II: Most of us have heard that the Big 10 and PAC 12 will have “Spring” college football in 2021. But I bet you haven’t thought about scheduling.
Case in point:
At one particular Big 10 University this spring, they will have a home football game, a men’s basketball game, a woman’s softball game, a cross country meet (Men and Women’s) and a women’s soccer game, And a men and women’s tennis match…ALL on the same day.
You know, you would think all those overpaid talking heads in the conference and at the universities could have figured that one out before now.
VIRGINIA TECH: Speaking of dumb…
The Hokies are “offering” fans and Alumni the “opportunity” to pay $70.00 dollars (a piece) for an “actual” cardboard cutout of yourself to be placed in a stadium seat during Hokie home games.
EDITORS NOTE: “Yes” I am serious…
“IF” that is too expense (or stupid) for you, the University of Texas is “only” charging $50.00 dollars for a cardboard cutout of yourself to be placed in Darrell K. Royal Memorial Stadium.
So, there is that
COLLEGE MARCHING BANDS: Unfortunately, we won’t see the marching bands during any pre-game ceremonies this year, and they won’t travel to opposing stadiums, nor will we see them at halftime (Not that the television networks have been interested in that the past 25 years anyway)
I am somewhat confused since you have a 120-yard-long football field, but they can’t spread out enough to play music on the football field?
This striping of tradition is done (presumably) to “slow the spread” of the Kung Fu Flu.
I am not as concerned about “slowing the spread” of the flu as I am about “slowing the spread” of communism taking root in the United States.
But that’s just me, I am old fashioned.
EASTERN KENTUCKY: For those of that missed watching the Colonel’s from Eastern Kentucky get their collective asses kicked last weekend by the Marshall Thundering Herd I will tell you what you “didn’t” miss.
The Coaches and Staff of the Colonel’s were all wearing Black T-S
shirts with “Say Their Names” in bold white letters on the front of the T-Shirt.
EDITORS NOTE: Here is a little FYI for all you Junior Social Justice Warriors out there selling a false narrative. No one is the least bit impressed or amused by these amateurish stunts and it will cost the universities (already reeling over lost revenue) when it comes to alumni donation time.
You don’t think so?
After the “peaceful protests” in Ferguson Missouri a few years ago that bled over to the University of Missouri Campus parents pulled their kids out of the university. So much so, the following semester there were four empty dormitories. Their lost revenue started there, and they haven’t recovered from their damaged reputation to this day.
Believe it.
NORTH CAROLINA: Coach Mack Brown, I would strongly suggest after listening to your ridiculous remarks last Saturday that you read the above statement and take note.
ESPN COLLEGE GAME DAY: By now (I am sure…) You have all heard about Game Day Co-Host Kirk Herbstreit’s crying jag about “social injustice.”
His repeated babbling while crying, was as laughable as it was absurd.
So, I have taken it upon myself to help “explain” the obvious for Kirk and those out there (Like many of the football players they interviewed last Saturday) that seemingly don’t “understand” the obvious.
Kirk stated through his sniffling and tears…
“Why does someone have to pull their hoody down when the police pull them over”
EDITORS NOTE: It’s so the officer can see the person they are speaking too, yes dumbass it’s that simple and the SAME rules apply to everybody.
As Kirk whimpered while whipping his teary eyes, he said…
“You shouldn’t have to keep your hands at 10 and 2 when these kids get pulled over…”
EDITORS NOTE: That is done for the officer’s safety, you dumbass, as well as for the safety of the driver. AGAIN these rules apply to everyone..
Kirk wrapped up his snotty sniveling with his profound summary…
“We have to do better; we have to do better…”
EDITORS NOTE: I agree, we need sports people to talk about something they are well versed in like “sports” and stick to that.
On a lighter note, “IF” I wanted to be lectured by an out of touch millionaire that doesn’t have any concept of reality then I would watch the NBA, which I don’t by the way.
THE CFB WIZARD EMAILS OF THE WEEK
Q: What the Hell Man!
You didn’t pick the West Point Game last week?
What gives?
J-Bo – Fayetteville, North Carolina
A: Sir, although I will own that error…
Trying to find an updated (and accurate) college football schedule week to week is like trying to find teeth on a chicken.
Q: Dear Sir
How are you managing this pandemic at The CFB Wizard Headquarters?
Are you taking peoples temperature?
Stay Safe!
Sincerely
Frank – New Bern, North Carolina
A: Thank you for the email question Frank.
Managing a multi-dollar empire like The CFB Wizard LLC hasn’t been easy during a worldwide pandemic.
I would say the biggest safety measure that has been instituted here is the mandate for anyone that feels the need to sneeze OR cough, they are instructed to do so in Steve’s cubicle or on Steve himself.
This isn’t a scientific experiment, simply put
Steve is an Auburn Fan.
Hence why we had to dispose of the thermometer at the front desk, because he kept sticking it in his butt.
Q: Hi!
My name is Donny I am 8 years old and I am sad.
Daddy told me Michigan won’t play football this year.
I don’t understand and it makes me sad.
I wish there was some good news
Donny – Ann Arbor, Michigan
A: I have some GOOD News for you Donny!
Michigan won’t make you sad this year by consistently disappointing you and making your Daddy a raging alcoholic.
THE GAMES
Thursday 10 September
Alabama Birmingham at Miami
How I wish this was my “Upset Special”
But it isn’t
HURRICANES 41-28
Friday 11 September
Before this day was a known as a day of infamy in the United States and in Benghazi, throughout Alabama it was known as Coach Bryant’s Birthday.
I haven’t forgotten what happened on those fateful days in those places and I haven’t forgotten your Birthday either Coach.
Saturday 12 September
Eastern Kentucky at West Virginia
All these “Peaceful Protestors” could learn a lesson from Mountaineer fans.
After they “win” they burn their own stuff, not their neighbors.
MOUNTAINEERS 77-0
Charlotte at Appalachian State
It’s a two Mountaineer pick in a row
MOUNTAINEERS 35-17
Louisiana Lafayette at Iowa State
It’s going to be closure than you think
CYCLONES 34-31
Syracuse at North Carolina
Don’t be surprised “IF” the Orange win this game
I won’t be
TAR HEELS 31-28
Louisiana Tech at Baylor
The Bulldogs are Outmatched in this one…
DA BEARS 41-21
Louisiana Monroe at Army
After watching the Black Knights last weekend….
They will roll over the Boys from West Monroe on Saturday
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 35-14
Duke at Notre Dame
“Upset Special!”
Just kidding
GOLDEN GNOMES 41-21
Campbell at Georgia Southern
The Campbell boys are lost in the Soup in this one
FREE BIRDS 38-10
Texas San Antonio at Texas State
“Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab and I both know….
A Jack Rabbit can’t outrun a Bobcat
It’s a rule of nature
BOBCATS 34-24
Arkansas State at Kansas State
Two things you need to know here
The Wildcats are going to win big and Jeffery Epstein didn’t hang himself
WILDCATS 49-10
Georgia Tech at Florida State
You want an “Upset Special”?
Here you go
YELLOW JACKETS 33-31
Austin Peay at Pittsburgh
For some odd reason I always have to urinate when I read Austin Peay
PANTHERS 44-7
Missouri State at Oklahoma
In the event you are a fan of massacres then this is your game
BOOMER SOONERS 171-0
Citadel at South Florida
The last time the Bulldogs went to South Florida, they beat the Mighty Gators
And that is No Bull
BULLDOGS 34-31
Clemson at Wake Forest
Nothing to see but an ass kicking…
DABO’S TIGERS 44-14
Tulane at South Alabama
Maybe it’s because I am itching for “My” football to begin
Don’t judge me
ROLL TIDE 33-31
Western Kentucky at Louisville
Nope not even close….
CARDINALS 44-17
Texas El Paso at Texas
(Please see the above description)
HOOK EM’ HORNS 49-10
Houston Baptist at Texas Tech
Houston Baptist is an excellent hospital…
Football, not so much
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 55-10
Coastal Carolina at Kansas
I am pulling for Carolina, but I am afraid that won’t be enough here
LES BIRDS 34-17
Next Week….
Your Week 3 College Football Picks will be out next Thursday as you have come to expect….
(You are Welcome America)
Along with another “New” story on Mikerights.com too.
So, Stay tuned
One More Thing….
I recognize my snide remarks in this week’s article may lose some readers and on the oft chance gain a few too. I am tired, sick and tired of people bowing at the alter of lies and false narratives.
Unfortunately, this has permeated every segment of our society, even college football.
I can’t ignore it and I would hope you wouldn’t expect me too.
Be good to one another this week and be good to yourself.
God Bless You All
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD