The National Champions

January 17, 2020
By

Ladies and Gentlemen – 

The clock is expired, and the final whistle blown in the 2019 College Football Season.

The Mighty LSU Tigers are the Champions of the College Football World. 

It’s time to celebrate the 2019 Kings of College Football. 

Laissez Le Bon Temps Rouler! 

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t worry I have a little something for the rest of us too. 

Enjoy…

LSU Tigers National Champions Rewind…

I will be the first to tell you, that there are a lot of things I simply don’t understand. 

I don’t understand why there is nutritional information on a bag of ice.

EDITORS NOTE:
Seriously, there is….

I have no idea why some teams wear chrome helmets. Those aren’t their school colors, unless their mascot is some kitchen appliance, which it isn’t.  

And I don’t understand why no one gave the Mighty Bayou Bengals a chance to win it all. 

EDITORS NOTE: Except (Of course) yours truly… 

In the event you were wondering as to how and why Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator concluded that LSU would indeed be the National Champions of College Football, I will give you all some insight as to my own selection process. 

Before we begin, it’s important to note here that “The” CFB Wizard will not bore you with meaningless statistical data or percentages based upon a mathematical anomaly that would be difficult to grasp. My system is far more sophisticated than that, which may explain my enormous success in prognostication over these many years as “The” CFB Wizard. 

First, let’s take a look at the mascots……

The LSU Tigers have “Mike the Tiger”, as in a “live” damn Bengal Tiger. 

EDITORS NOTE: The fact Mike and I share the same name does not in any way sway my predictions, but it certainly hasn’t hurt my prognostication percentages either. 

Now let’s take a look at the competition, shall we?

EDITORS NOTE: You can’t match an Apex predator in Mike the Tiger against something that looks like it fell off a bag of Cheeto’s or looks like an oversized stuffed animal you could win at the county fair. 

Well, I guess you could. 

The Romans did it all the time in the Colosseum and we saw how that turned out. 

Then we have the Golden Girls from Tiger Land……

Now, I know what you may be thinking, “What does this have to do with your Picks?” 

To answer that that question I would simply reply with…

Absolutely nothing, but they sure are fun to look at.

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t judge me, “Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab and I live alone. 

In fact, let’s have another look see, shall we?

EDITORS NOTE: My, My….

Then there “was” the controversy of “Death Valley” as to where the “real” Death Valley is located, Baton Rouge, Clemson or California. 

That debate has been decided, at least for this year. 

You add one of the greatest quarterbacks and Heisman Trophy winners in college football history and his surrounding cast and you have the making of a storied Championship season.

Now, I know many of you college football fans are saying, “Our season was horrible and disappointing”

Some may be saying, “How can I erase the painful memories of the 2019 college football season?” 

Well, my dear readers you have come to the right place for those difficult answers. 

Please follow along, because I will provide the answer you are searching for momentarily. 

Are you familiar with the “new” hair growth product; The Capillus Ultra Cap?

What it is, is a ball cap that you wear that blasts your scalp with lasers and ultraviolet rays to stimulate hair growth, or so they claim. 

A short tutorial is included here:

Well my friends we here at “The” CFB Wizard Laboratory have taken this product and “improved it” for the disgruntled and disappointed college football fan. 

EDITORS NOTE: “Yes” ladies this will work for you too…

You place this Cap (device) on your head and turn on the lasers and ultraviolet rays……

While the Cap (Thermonuclear Device) is humming on top of your head. 

You take a beverage, preferably one of a hops and barley variety and pour it over the Cap (Electromagnetic Spectrometer) on your head until the can, bottle or glass is entirely empty. 

IMPORTANT POINT: It’s important to note here, that this act will also void the warranty on said product. Just so you know. 

The electronic pulses will short circuit and result in short term memory loss of the 2019 college football season and or specific games and possibly some Key life events. 

We have tested this device on several Michigan Wolverine Fans that stopped at a Rest Area on I-95 after returning from the Citrus Bowl with a 100% success rate. Although they are now under the misguided impression that Bo Schembechler is their coach, it nonetheless worked to perfection, as they couldn’t recall the name of Jim Harbaugh.

EDITORS NOTE: You know it’s coming, we have to discuss the medical side effects 

The Medical Side Effects may include but are not limited to….

Accelerated overall hair growth to the point you may be confused for Sasquatch or for those people in Michigan or Wisconsin, a Yeti (The wild hairy beast, not the expensive collection of coolers and cups) 

You may also experience uncontrolled urination when around microwaves as well as shouting (For no apparent reason) “I smell Baloney Frying!” 

You may also forget your significant other’s birthday or anniversary, and this can also be used as a plausible excuse for “forgetting” when necessary. 

So as the sounds of “Born on the Bayou” drift across the muddy waters of Louisiana..

We congratulate the Mighty LSU Tigers for their well-deserved National Championship.
That’s a wrap on the 2019 College Football Season. 

Next Week…..

“Doc” The World-Famous Black Lab and I will be finishing up our next book to be sent for publication the summer of 2020, just in time to add to your vacation reading list. 

But in the meantime. there will be a few stories on Mikerights.com to keep you warm through the winter and give you something to giggle about until our college football season returns in a couple of months. 

So stay tuned 

One More Thing……

Thank you all again for riding along with “Doc” and I through another college football season. 

I also want to thank you for reading both websites, and for your suggestions, and the occasional course corrections. This has always been written for you, the reader, it’s been written through war and peace and death and disease, and everything in between but always as a labor of love. 

So, I will end this 2019 college football season with a “Geaux Tigers” and a Thank you to you all. 

Be good to yourself this year and those around you.

God Bless

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

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