Thanksgiving College Football Picks Week 14

November 27, 2019

Ladies and Gentlemen – 

What a menu we have prepared for you this Thanksgiving! 

We have Clean, Old fashioned Hate served in an Apple Cup.

We have a Slab of Bacon cut O’ so ever delicately with Paul Bunyan’s Ax. 

There will be an Egg Bowl, a Wagon Wheel and Miles of Hate.

There is plenty of Hate, Civil War and Angst to go around for everyone. 

It will all be served in bitter basin we call, “The Iron Bowl” 

So, Let’s get our “Hate On” and be Thankful about it

Enjoy Your Picks

Weekend Rewind….

Before we discuss last week’s Prognostications….

I want to apologize to my readers for several “Missed Pick’s” 

Due to an editing error (Me), important games were missed (By Me) such as the “Brawl in the Wild” between Montana and Montana State for the “Great Divide Trophy”. 

Congratulations to Montana State for the Win (Even though I wouldn’t have picked you) and for both teams earning the right to play in the Playoff’s this year. 

With that being said, Your Favorite Absent-Minded College Football Prognosticator was 47 and 5 last week or 90% and The CFB Wizard is 627 and 139 or 82% for the 2019 College Football Season. 

O’ I forgot one other “little” thing, Yours Truly was the ONLY College Football Website to Pick Arizona State over Oregon last Saturday. You are Welcome America. 



Are you having Zack Smith and O.J. Simpson over for Thanksgiving this year? 

Just FYI….

Keep both of them away from your Wife and Keep O.J. away from the carving knives. 

DR. PEPPER: As we all know, Dr. Pepper has been airing the glaringly boring and decidedly bland “Fansville” series of T.V. commercials for the last couple of years.

These are the most god-awful segments ever broadcast in the history of T.V. timeout advertising. The latest advert featuring the two-timing grill bimbo was somewhat funny… the 1st hundred times I saw it, but it’s even gotten stale.

We here at the CFB, LLC, Inc have heard the cries for relief and have taken the unheard of step of organizing an effort to bring back none other than…

Larry Culpepper.

I mean it seems unconscionable that an icon like Larry was taken from our midst in such callous fashion. How could Dr. Pepper think that they could move on past Larry Culpepper?

Do we have such short memories that we have forgotten who actually INVENTED the College Football Playoff? Yes, Larry Culpepper. So, while the staff here in the bowels of the underground bunker complex in beautiful Bamberg, SC tip a glass of refreshing Dr. Pepper in honor of Larry, it’s time for YOU to take action!

Write your Congressman! Write President Trump!!! Don’t waste your time with AOC, she’s probably an Aquafina kinda person. But Remember!!! #BringBackLarryCulpepper!!!

And, if the Head Ball Coach agrees… Well, it’s gotta get done!!!

IVY LEAGUE: So, you interrupted a football game to “protest” climate change.

Do you hear that sound?

Yeah, that’s the whole damn country laughing at you bunch of rich little idiots. 

TEXAS: Remember this Longhorn Fans?

Yeah, good times 

MIAMI: I have to confess, I never really knew what it meant when Hurricane Fans, used their two hands to make the “U” symbol. Now I get it. 

When done properly with the thumbs and the forefingers it actually looks like a “W”

Which of course stands for, “WE SUCK” 

ARIZONA STATE: Coach Herman, thank you for making me look like a genius last week. 

MINNESOTA: Gophers placeholder Casey O’Brien, a four-time cancer survivor, said Monday he will have surgery this week to remove a “small spot” on one of his lungs. 

The spot was found during his routine three-month check-up and it will be removed for a biopsy. In August, a checkup revealed O’Brien to be free of osteosarcoma, a rare bone cancer, for going on 15 months.

“I appreciate everyone’s support and prayers, and I’m looking forward to returning to the field soon,” O’Brien wrote in a message on Twitter. “I have complete trust in my team of doctors.” 

A St. Paul native, O’Brien has become a growing inspiration since a motivational speech made during the Big Ten Conference’s kickoff luncheon in Chicago in July. His story grew when he appeared in his first collegiate game, holding on three successful extra-point attempts, in a 42-7 win over Rutgers in Piscataway, N.J. on Oct. 19. 

He also held during the 52-10 win over Maryland at TCF Bank Stadium on Oct. 26.
During games, the redshirt sophomore walk-on wears a white towel with four X’s written on it in black marker to signify the times he has beaten cancer. His tweet Monday included a new hashtag, #5x. 

“My Oar is in the water and I will continue to Row the Boat,” he wrote. “Let’s do this!!” 

O’Brien told Gophers head coach P.J. Fleck the news Monday.
“Casey is the strongest young man I have ever met, and I know he will recover from this as well,” Fleck said in a statement. “He has an entire team, community, state and all of college football supporting him and rowing the boat with him.”

EDITORS NOTE: Pray, Please Pray for Him. Please 


Here at our underground bunker complex outside the suburbs of Bamberg, SC, the crack staff of the LLC, Inc, have once again put our heads together and have been hashing out each and every coaching situation on the football landscape to come up with the most accurate, timely, and up to date reporting on the college football head coaching landscape. Here are the hot takes for this week.

MIAMI and Manny Diaz

Florida International…. You got beat by Florida International… who was a 21 point underdog… AND it was HOMECOMING!!! 

This Florida International team has a 6-5 record… But those 6 wins come against teams with a COMBINED record of 15-41 (before Miami). It appears that this is a season of inexplicable losses down in Coral Gables with losses against North Carolina, Georgia Tech, and Florida International. I’m sure the Hurricane’s turnover chain got put to good use in this game…. by Florida International.

CFB Wizard Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating: 85-90 (Staying with the steady burn on the hot seat this week. 1st year coach. He ain’t goin’ anywhere)

Tom Herman of Texas

The losses continue to pile up in Austin. Last Saturday the Longhorns were victimized by Baylor and their Wunderkind Coach, Matt Rhule. Now, this is the same Baylor team that was rocked with sanctions, lawsuits, and coaching departures (in shame) and hit rock bottom after Art Briles left, beating the self touting premier university in the State of Texas. 

Herman is obviously in over his head. Both Rhule and Herman were hired in 2017, yet Rhule has obviously continually improved the Bears while Herman is all over the map. And, reliable sources are telling our crack team of investigators that the Longhorns are on the verge of losing several big name recruits out of the 2020 class. And where are they looking? College Station, Waco, and Norman. And who would Texas hire should Herman’s days in Austin come to an end? 

The popular sentiment is to throw enough money at Urban Meyer to get him out of the Fox Studios. But, if by chance that were to happen, make sure you’ve got plenty of physicians and nursing personnel around to take care of the myriad of medical maladies that are bound to crop up when things go off the rails during his tenure. 

CFB Wizard Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating: 105-110 (We’ve reserved this historic, off the charts Hot-Seat-O-Meter rating for Longhorn Nation, because, well… you’d think that dumping all that money on Herman would have at least got you a win over

Down on the Plains, the Gus Bus is in need of some extensive overhaul (Brake job, new tires, handlebar alignment) because for yet another season the Tigers are in danger of losing at least 4 games. I don’t even know if a win over hated rival Alabama will do the trick because, well… it’s Auburn.

We overheard some locals down at the Auburn Draft House the other day debating on whether the big boy donors will swallow a buyout or whether they’ll let next year’s schedule take care of ole Gus. They were also divided on whether or not they could get Petrino to come to town if they were to bite the bullet and do a buyout. Plus, the locals are really confused about this offensive minded head coach’s offense being the weak point on a team that’s winning with defense.

Regardless, there is consensus that if Gus and company can’t beat Alabama and their backup quarterback, then it’s going to get ugly.

CFB Wizard Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating: 95-98 (How deep are your pockets and how bad do you really want to do this?)


Q: Dear Non-Indigenous American

I find your frequent references to Native American Mascots Offensive. 

You neither understand the beauty or the majesty of the people that own the land under which your feet treed. Your attempt at humor at the expense of my beautiful brothers and sisters is hurtful and divisive. 

Educate yourself before you criticize others.

Anonymous – Cape Cod, Massachusetts

A: Elizabeth, is that you again?

We know you aren’t a damn Indian, so drop the Big Wampum talk with me. 

Q: Dear Sir

As you might have witnessed last Saturday during the Yale and Harvard contest, my fellow Lifeguards of Mother Earth staged an epic Climate Change Protest on the Worlds Biggest Stage! 

We encourage you to assist us in getting the word out now while there is still hope!
Our scientists at both Yale and Harvard have concluded that Global Warming will begin to destroy our planet in four years!

Please help us, there isn’t much time left to save Mother Earth!

Save the Planet! – Cambridge, Massachusetts 

A: “Lifeguards for Mother Earth”?

Might I suggest you all take a dive into “Mother Earth” from the High Dive.
Head First 

Q: Hey Mister Wizard! 

What is your favorite part of watching football on Thanksgiving weekend? 


Happy Thanksgiving

Kurt – Lake Charles, Louisiana 

A: Thank you for the kind email Kurt. 

Other watching Alabama win the Iron Bowl, my favorite part is always the commercials. 

The other day I saw a commercial for “Colo-guard”

Essentially, you poop in a bag and send it in the mail somewhere to have your do-do examined. 

To think I did that once to a General I worked for and the Postal Inspector came after me. 

Now it’s legal?

Yeah, I will be watching out for that commercial, I need more details. 

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard 

I know you have a lot of readers on your websites, but my question is this:

Where are most of your readers located (Demographics)? 

Have a Great Day and a Happy Thanksgiving! 

Mandy – Ashville, North Carolina 

A: Thank you for the email Mandy. 

As far as demographics and density of readers of the websites. 

I am so popular in Comanche Texas that I have more readers than there are citizens. 

Suffice to say, “Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab and I are favorite Son’s of Comanche Texas. 

Q: You have been wrong ALLLLLL Year about Tennessee Jackass! 

The Volunteers are going to a BOWL game this year! 

Suck on that Big Orange!

Teresa – Red Bank, Tennessee 

A: Congratulations on your invitation to the prestigious, 
Yoder Canned Meat’s and Cheese Bowl in Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin.  


Tuesday 26 November 

Ohio at Akron
This Rivalry in the Buckeye State is played for the..
“Wagon Wheel”
(Yeah, I am feeling good about this pick)

Thursday 28 November

Ole Miss at Mississippi State
This Bitter In-State Rivalry is known simply as,
“The Egg Bowl”
It’s going to get nasty in Stark-Vegas
Friday 29 November

Texas Tech at Texas
I still miss the Texas / Texas A&M game this time of year.
There I said it
This game is played for “The Chancellor’s Spurs”
It’s not the same for me

Virginia Tech at Virginia
“The” game for the “Commonwealth Cup”
It’s Thanksgiving, so..

Iowa at Nebraska
In the Midwest this relatively “new” rivalry is known as “The Hero’s Game”
It’s going to be closer than you might think

Missouri at Arkansas
This nasty little border rivalry is called appropriately
“The Battle Line Rivalry”

Cincinnati at Memphis
I want to go “Upset” here, but I just can’t
(Sorry Chili Town)

Boise State at Colorado State
Rams get Bucked over by the Bronco’s …
Believe it
BRONCO’S 38-24 

Washington State at Washington
This bitter Instate rivalry may have a nice name called
“The Apple Cup”
But somebody will be sucking on a sour one before this game is over
BIG DOGS 31-28

West Virginia at Texas Christian
It is my belief that the Horned Frogs are still smarting over the calls last week.
They will be angry for this one
Appalachian State at Troy
I want to believe that the Men of Troy can pull an “Upset” here
But it’s unlikely

South Florida at Central Florida
They call this neighborly hate fest “The War on I-4”
I hate to make this pick, but it’s business

Saturday 30 November  

Southern at Grambling
One of my all-time favorite games of the year
“The Bayou Classic”
The football game is always good, but NOBODY leaves at Half-time
That’s THE Battle of the bands and it is worth the trip. 

Ohio State at Michigan
They call this one “The Game”
I call it, “The “Upset Special”

Clemson at South Carolina
This bitter damn rivalry is called “The Battle for the Palmetto State”
It’s going to be close, real close
Georgia at Georgia Tech
One sentence describes this bitter contest between Old Foes
“Clean, Old Fashioned Hate”
Get Your hate on Big Dawgs

Florida International at Marshall
Huntington West Virginia, no prettier place in the world to see a game in November

Louisville at Kentucky
This is “The” game in the Commonwealth this weekend
It’s called “The Battle in the Bluegrass”
It’s going to be close, close, close
BLUE CATS 31-28 

Northwestern at Illinois
This instate rivalry is played for the “Land of Lincoln Trophy”
Or for those who remember “The Sweet Sioux Tomahawk”
“IF” you ask me, I wish it was called “The John Wilkes Booth Trophy”
Just saying

Indiana at Purdue
This nasty rivalry is played for the equally nasty “Old Oaken Bucket”
Which the loser will vomit in after the game. 

Wake Forest at Syracuse
I don’t know about this game..
But I do know Jeffery Epstein didn’t hang himself

Middle Tennessee State at Western Kentucky
They call this cross-state rivalry..
“The 100 Miles of Hate”
Which ironically is the same name given to the road I traveled after my last date

Wyoming at Air Force
Cowboy Down…(Again)

Alabama at Auburn
The Great college football commentator Keith Jackson said this…
“There are rivalries and then there are rivalries, then there is Alabama and Auburn”
It is “The Iron Bowl”

Rutgers at Penn State
The Staff here at The CFB Wizard determined that “IF” Rutgers was playing a midget clown, a Yard Gnome and a Mister Coffee maker they would still be underdogs by two touchdowns.
Enough said..

Wisconsin at Minnesota
This game is one of my favorite rivalries
It’s played for “Paul Bunyan’s Ax and a Slab of Bacon”
This one is for Casey

Baylor at Kansas
Coach Les will keep it close for a while, then it’s all
DA BEARS 34-24 

Southern Miss at Florida Atlantic
Either way, I am calling this one “close”

Boston College at Pittsburgh
It’s official, I no longer have any faith in the Boy’s from Chestnut Hill

Miami at Duke
Hurricane season is clearly behind us…

Maryland at Michigan State
In the even you are wondering why Maryland seems to look so slow this time of the year
Their mascot is a “Turtle”
Enough said
Oregon State at Oregon
They call this game “The Civil War”
Believe me, there isn’t anything “Civil” about this game

Notre Dame at Stanford
This game, rivalry, whatever is played for “The Legends Trophy”

Tulane at Southern Methodist
I say, Let the Ponies Run
Vanderbilt at Tennessee
This In-State Rivalry is known as (Wait for it..)
(Que the Banjos)
“The Hillbilly Ho Down”
I can nether confirm nor deny if any Ho’s will be injured in this game
VOWELS 34-17

West Florida at Valdosta State
The First Round of the Playoffs go too..

Carson Newman at Lenoir-Rhyne
The second round of the Play-Off’s and I am going “Upset” here
EAGLES 41-38

Georgia State at Georgia Southern
They call this bitter rivalry in the Peach State “Modern Day Hate”
It’s going to one Hell of a Game

Texas A&M at LSU
The Aggies will keep it close for two quarters then it’s all

Iowa State at Kansas State
Once a year these two traditional agricultural university rivals square off
It goes by one name “Farmageddon”
(Who doesn’t love that?)

Navy at Houston
Before I make the pick, I need to say this…
“Hey, former Secretary of the Navy, just FYI YOU have to follow orders too, Jackass!”
(Glad his dumbass got fired)
Now that is out of my system…

North Carolina at North Carolina State
This old rivalry on Tobacco Road never disappoints
This one won’t either

Colorado at Utah
Sorry, that’s two weeks in a row without a Wynonna reference
TWO UTES 38-21 

Florida State at Florida
They call this rivalry “The Sunshine Showdown”
The Sun has already set in Tallahassee
(Just saying)

Oklahoma at Oklahoma State
This Bitter Damn Contest is known by one name “Bedlam”
I say
Brigham Young at San Diego State
Some might view this as an “Upset”
Call it what you will
COUGARS 34-24 

Arizona at Arizona State
This Instate Clash is known as “The Duel in the Desert”
My Bucket of Sand is on..

California at UCLA
This game in the land of High Taxes, High Gas Prices and Homeless Poop Sidewalks.
Is called “The Bear Game”
Which I assume translates too
With all the mess going on in California I guess you just have to “Grin and Bear it”
DA BEARS 33-14

Army at Hawaii
One week away from the Army-Navy Game
Let the caisson’s keep rolling along

Next Week….

You will get the last Picks of this 2019 College Football Season as we look ahead to the Conference Championship Games. There will be a few more items on the after-Thanksgiving menu next week to keep you entertained as well. 

So, Stay Tuned

One More Thing…

As “Doc” The World-Famous Black Lab and part time Junior Bicycle Elf and I prepare for our part-time job with Santa, I want to thank you all again, for reading both websites all year. 

Thank you for your encouragement, your comments and the occasional rant. 

I am so Thankful for so much I hardly have the words to express them all. 

So, I will simply say “Thank you”

God Bless You all and be good to one another


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