College Football Picks Week 13

November 21, 2019

Ladies and Gentlemen – 

It’s hard to believe that we are near the end of the regular season of the 2019 college football season. 

We have a few rivalries to discuss this week and since it is “Week 13” of the season…

I have a few things to mention concerning a young man that wears number “13”

Enjoy Your Picks

Weekend Rewind….

Last Weekend Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator…

EDITORS NOTE: It just occurred to me..

That I sound like I am reading the daily Dow-Jones averages 

(Said in my deepest Television voice) Was slightly above average at 44 and 10 or 81% for Week 12 of the College Football Season. 

Meanwhile Dupont stock took a slight dip on the whatcha-call-it thingy indicator

That leaves The CFB Wizard…..

EDITORS NOTE: The futures market for Asian Monkey Paws is apparently on the upswing…

At a rather astounding 580-134 or 84% thus far for the entire 2019 season. 

EDITORS NOTE: I feel like I should have been typing this section wearing while wearing an ascot with a monocle in my left eye. 


I don’t know about you and believe me I hate to say this….

But with the myriad of “rule changes” in college football, that encompass everything from:

Targeting: Which apparently means anything the referees want it too mean. 

Interference: (See Above Definition on “Targeting” and insert here) 

Holding (of any type): (See Above Definition on “Targeting” and insert here) 

Video Replay: (Kill Me Right Damn Now…. it’s ridiculous) 

College Football “commentators”: Where is Keith Jackson when you need him? 

And On and On we can go…
It has become exhausting for me to watch and enjoy my college football. 
In fact, it’s downright frustrating. 
There I said it

URBAN MEYER: Just checking in on you coach….
How’s that Crotch Itch / Heart attack / Brain tumor thing going?  


It’s a sad day for College Football as Belk’s has announced that it won’t renew its contract sponsorship for Charlotte’s Belk Bowl. The bowl game originally came into existence in 2002 as the Continental Tire Bowl and featured fireworks laced, powerhouse matchups between the ACC and the Big East.

As the Big East disintegrated, the American Athletic Conference stepped in for a few years until the SEC then entered in to the fray. As stated, it was originally the Continental Tire Bowl and then became the Meineke Car Care Bowl before getting the Belk’s sponsorship.

What we here at the CFB offices would like to see is a return to the “auto-related” affiliations for this grand spectacle in Charlotte. How about the Pep Boys/Pennzoil Oil Change Bowl? Or how about the O’Reilly Auto Parts Bearing Replacement Bowl? Heck, how about the General Motors No Money Down, No Credit, No Problem Bowl? C’mon, Charlotte. Let’s get back to our roots and get the name right this time

ALABAMA: As you know by now…

This past Saturday the Crimson Tide Quarterback, Tua Tagovailoa was injured at the end of the second quarter of the game against Mississippi State and will be out for the season with an injury that will take months to recover from. 

I was angered by commentators, social media “experts” and the like attacking Coach Nick Saban, the University of Alabama and even the young quarterback himself for being in the game with a lead at the end of the second quarter. 

Let me say this….

“IF” you cheer because someone is injured or hurting then you aren’t a human being. 
“IF” you blame, blame, blame others for that injury then you are dumber than a sack full of crap. 

“IF” you are under the misguided opinion that Alabama “can’t” win without him, you would be wrong. 

Life is about overcoming adversity, it always has been, and it always will be. 
Everyone wants to win all the time and that is an unrealistic view of life and football. 

Bad things are going to happen in life AND on the football field so what are you going to do when things get rough? Blame someone for the problems or misfortune or accept them and fight on? 

Character, much like cream always rises to the top. 

Believe it 

MINNESOTA: Last weekend the Gophers lost a close game to Iowa for the “Floyd of Rosedale” 

I think it’s important to note during this time of year with “Rivalries” and Championships on the line…

That there are more important things, that transcend sports, games and the like. 

TEXAS: Somebody really doesn’t like Longhorn Coach Tom Herman….

Perhaps I need to be more specific since there are a number of upset Texas fans. 

Apparently “somebody” or somebodies when onto his Wikipedia page and….

Shall we say, “Made a Few Changes” 

PAUL FINEBAUM: This media pimp of ESPN and the SEC Network is nothing more than a cheaper less articulate version of Jerry Springer.

His “opinions” on college football, coaches and players is about as insightful as listening to a eunuch tell someone how to have sexual relations. 

His latest diatribes on some college football teams, players and coaches are too ludicrous to be taken seriously by anyone with an IQ above freezing. 

I say this because I have a question…..

Why is he on television? 

It’s a reasonable question 


Here at our underground bunker complex outside the suburbs of Bamberg, SC, the crack staff of the LLC, Inc, have been putting our heads together and hashing out each and every coaching situation on the football landscape to come up with the most accurate, timely, and up to date reporting on the college football head coaching landscape. Here are the hot takes for this week.

Will Muschamp of South Carolina – The temps continue to rise on Coach Boom down in Columbia. Another week, and another loss. This time to A&M. The offense looked simply lethargic. And it didn’t help that one of the key cogs of that offense, Bryan Edwards, sat this one out.

It’s so bad that both the President and AD Ray Tanner issued statements about Muschamp’s job security. AND, there’s rumor that they inquired with folks in Tallahassee about how they were able to handle Willie Taggart’s buyout. We like ole Will but aren’t sure if he’ll survive if the Clemson game turns into a route.

CFB Wizard Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating: 85-90 (It’s steady and constant)

Gus Malzahn of Auburn – Crazy times down on the Plains. Auburn loses for the 5th(?) time in 7 tries against the Pups of Athens. The grumbling intensified more even though they made a close game of it. Interesting that anonymous sources we at the CFB Wizard HQ’s have over in Fayetteville are stating that the big money donors in Arkansas are putting on the full court press to get Malzahn to coach the Razorbacks. 

Additionally, reports are that Malzahn is willing to drop most of the buyout just to get out of Auburn. And, most interestingly, inside sources around Auburn Nation have stated that they’re pursuing Bobby Petrino for a SECOND time. You just can’t make this up.

CFB Wizard Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating: 80-85

Tom Herman of Texas – Now in his 3rd year at Texas, Ole’ Tommy isn’t quite meeting the lofty expectations Longhorn fans and boosters had for the team this year. Losses against LSU and Oklahoma are understandable considering the talent gap which is still there due to Jimbo Fisher dominating the recruiting scene in Texas.

But losing to TCU? Iowa State? And, don’t look now, but an away game at Baylor in McLane Stadium now looks like a daunting task. The consensus opinion here at CFB Wizard HQ is that the heat is rising. However, if there’s one thing Herman surely learned from his tenure at Ohio State, it’s this: Untimely medical problems can save lot’s of embarrassment for a head coach if one is looking for a hasty exit from an uncomfortable situation.

CFB Wizard Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating: 73-78

BIG TIP OF THE WEEK: While Urban Meyer has been under consideration for numerous coaching vacancies, and his physicians have cleared him, he has added a new wrinkle that must be included in any contract he signs.

Primarily, his new University furnished vehicle will be an ambulance and staffed by full time EMS Technicians who are specially trained in cardiac and cranial emergencies (should the need arise).

Additionally, much as Hugh Freeze did earlier this season, he only will coach from a staffed luxury box equipped with, a full bar, a hospital bed, and shapely nurses who will sooth and coddle him should his team fail to perform in tense, critical situations.


Q: Sir,

As an esteemed MEDIA TALKING HEAD EXTRAORDINAIRE, I have some real heartburn with the College Football Playoff Selection Committee’s rankings.

There is no way that LSU should be ranked ahead of THE Ohio State Buckeyes.

In fact, after taking 8 or 10 Extra Strength Tylenol’s to ensure I didn’t get one of those nasty headaches, I came up with my own top 4 list, which I’m sure you’ll agree with and will ensure that these playoffs provide a clear, sure fire path for the Buckeyes to win yet another National Championship.

1 – Ohio State
2 – Akron
3 – Toledo
4 – Cincinnati

Urban Meyer
Fox Sports Correspondent Emeritus
Dublin, OH

A: Apparently you answered my earlier question about your brain tumor.

Q:  Hey Mister Wizard!

O’ My Gosh! I have to ask you!

I “heard” that you used to date the Latin Pop Music Star Shakira! 

Picture included!

Is that true?????????

Lana – Lexington, Kentucky 

A: Like many rumors, they often get lost in translation. 

Actually, the truth is…

I was “Shanked” once at a “Kia Dealership…”

Picture included

Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard 

As this season of being “Thankful” approaches us, I am thankful that I am a Princeton graduate and a fan of the greatest conference in all of college football: The Ivy League! 

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

Dr. R. Massey PhD– Cambridge, Massachusetts 

A: What immediately comes to mind is….

I am thankful that I am not as delusional as you are 

Q: Dear Sir

I wish beyond words that you would STOP making jokes about Wynonna Judd. 
She is a fabulous entertainer and an incredible human being. 

I think “IF” you ever saw her, you would agree with me and STOP making her the brunt of your sophomoric and unnecessary humor. 

Thank you 
Sylvia G – Chattanooga, Tennessee 

A: I will have you know Miss Sylvia that I have “seen” Wynonna Judd once. 

I made eye contact with her while I was Yellowstone National Park and she charged my vehicle. 

Fortunately, I drove away before she could do any damage, but I saw her in the rearview mirror shaking her enormous head and pawing at the ground. 

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard 

The state of college football commentators, “IF” that’s what you want to call them is horrible!

I despise Gary Danielson of CBS and Beth Mowins of ESPN (My God here voice is freaking horrible!) 

Who do you think is the worst college football commentator?

I have to pour myself a drink just to keep my ears from bleeding from thinking about them.

Jerry – Mobile, Alabama
A: I couldn’t agree with you more on those two gibbering idiots Jerry…

My vote for the worst commentator is the SEC Network’s Jordan Rogers
This self-indulgent Turd Wrangler’s only claim to fame is that his brother plays for Green Bay. 

His droning on and on about useless and superfluous information that nobody (NOBODY) cares anything about is mind numbing and is tantamount to sustaining mental and emotional trauma from just listening to him talk. 
As hard to imagine as it might be…

Jordan Rogers is the absolute worst commentator in all of college football. 

Q: Have you ever gazed at the moon on a starlit night? 
And thought about your future?

Regina – Richmond, Virginia 

A: No, I haven’t Reginia….
But one time…
I saw a fat woman riding a Rascal scooter in a thong at the Wal-Mart in Hazard Kentucky. 


Tuesday 19 November 

Eastern Michigan at Northern Illinois
Don’t hate me because I am right
EAGLES 45-17 

Ohio at Bowling Green
Seriously, don’t hate on me
I feel good about this pick
FRANK’S CATS 66-24  

Wednesday 20 November

Akron at Miami (OH)
I feel like I am on a Roll here…

Thursday 21 November

North Carolina State at Georgia Tech
“Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab has made his pick…
You know what it is, right?

Friday 22 November
Colorado State at Wyoming
I would call this one an “Upset” in Casper…
(I was going to make a “friendly ghost” joke here, but Halloween is over)
RAM TOUGH 31-28 

Saturday 23 November 
Penn State at Ohio State
Hey everybody!
It’s the Buckeyes first “Real” game!
(It’s going to be closer than you might think)

Western Carolina at Alabama
Sweet Home Alabama

Minnesota at Northwestern
I still believe in the Power of the Golden Rodents

Samford at Auburn
This is just a little “tune-up” before the Iron Bowl….

Illinois at Iowa
I am picking Iowa here for two important reasons:
1- They are tough to play at home
2- I love to watch that crowd wave at the kids in the Children’s Hospital across the street

Oklahoma State at West Virginia
These two teams have more personalities than Hillary Clinton
One more thing…
Jeffery Epstein didn’t kill himself
COWBOY UP! 41-34 

Brigham Young at Massachusetts
I don’t think for a minute that the minutemen can win this game
COUGARS 38-17 

Central Florida at Tulane
The Green Wave will win this game and in the tradition of the Tarnished Knights…
Will immediately declare themselves to be the “winners” of..
The Battle of New Orleans and the War of 1812.

Liberty at Virginia
Don’t look Lady Liberty, it’s going to get ugly!

Kansas at Iowa State
This week and this week only..
I am officially jumping off the Les Miles bandwagon…
Michigan State at Rutgers
Last week the Scarlett Knights lost a scrimmage to an old Slim Whitman album.

Air Force at New Mexico
The fact that New Mexico has an Air Force bombing range in the state tells me everything I need to know about this game.

Boston College at Notre Dame
This “old” rivalry is known as “The Holy War”
Think of it as…
Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Baker wrestling over “donations”.

Texas State at Appalachian State
Nope, not even close here

Georgia Southern at Arkansas State
In case you haven’t been paying attention..
The Eagles of Southern are on a Roll and….
Jeffery Epstein didn’t kill himself

Texas A&M at Georgia
I can’t wait…..
To hear Jimbo Fisher cry after this game about how “tough” his schedule is this year

Texas at Baylor
I never (ever) thought I would be making this pick
DA BEARS 34-17

Michigan at Indiana
Jimmy Hairball best not overlook the Hooters here…
(I have to admit I reread that line and I about peed myself)

Southern Methodist at Navy
This Old rivalry is played each year for the Gansz Trophy
It’s going to be a good one…
Hold on to your seats

Mercer at North Carolina
Mercy Mercer what were you thinking scheduling this game?

Pittsburgh at Virginia Tech
It’s getting close to Thanksgiving…

UCLA at Southern California
This is Battle for Los Angeles
(Also known as……
the land of high gas prices, taxes, and homeless people pooping in the streets) 
It’s played for the Victory Bell

Marshall at Charlotte
I have on good authority..
That even Charlotte knows
Jeffery Epstein didn’t kill himself

Western Kentucky at Southern Miss
I hate to go against the Golden Eagles here…
But the Hilltoppers are rolling

Nebraska at Maryland
I had such high hopes for both of these teams at the beginning of the year
Those hopes have sizzled out like a shrimp fart from Captain D’s

East Tennessee State at Vanderbilt
Sometimes as a noted Prognosticator…
You get a message about a game from “above”
The classic song “Brickhouse” just came on my radio
Enough said

Tennessee Martin at Kentucky
I feel bad for Martin here…
But at least he is getting a nice check for his beating
So there is that
BLUE CATS 41-17 

Purdue at Wisconsin
The Boilermakers can’t cut the cheese here…
(“Yes” in case you were wondering that was a fart joke)

Memphis at South Florida
I will break this game down for you:
The Tigers are rolling, and the Bulls aren’t
The end

California at Stanford
In the land of high taxes, outrageous gas prices and every plague on planet earth..
This contest is known as “The Big Game”
Well Whippy Dippy Do..
DA BEARS 31-24

Syracuse at Louisville
I would like to visit Kentucky again one day without being escorted by law enforcement..

Troy at Louisiana Lafayette
It’s going to be close
Real Close
Believe it
Arkansas at LSU
This Bitter Border Rivalry is played for” The Golden Boot”
I think the Razorbacks are going to catch the boot right in the kester.

Temple at Cincinnati
It’s chili weather, so I am going with the “Home” of Skyline Chili
(Don’t you dare judge me)

Kansas State at Texas Tech
This game is going to be a back and fourth tussle….
believe it

Miami at Florida International
I went to a “Florida International House of Pancakes” once…
I wasn’t impressed
I am a Waffle House guy

Oregon at Arizona State
You might think I am crazy….
But there is an “Upset” brewing in the Desert

Abilene Christian at Mississippi State
You know how the Country Classic song goes..
“Abilene, Abilene
Prettiest town I ever seen
Folks down there don’t treat you mean
In Abilene, my Abilene”
(That’s the only positive I can throw their way in this game, sorry)

Tennessee at Missouri
I would call this one an “Upset”….
Just saying

Duke at Wake Forest
This Tussle on Tobacco Road is going to be close
Texas Christian at Oklahoma
I only have three words to say about this game
(You know what they are)

Oregon State at Washington State
The Beavers will keep this one close, until the second half…
Then it’s all
Utah at Arizona
I think the Wildcats have welted in the Desert Sun
There, I said it
TWO UTES 44-10 

Washington at Colorado
“Doc” the World-Famous Black Lab insisted on this pick..
(Sorry, no Wynonna reference this week Colorado fans)
HUSKIES 33-24 

Boise State at Utah State
I have been telling you all year
So, I will say it again
The Bronco’s are for real
O’ yeah and Jeffery Epstein didn’t kill himself
BRONCO’S 41-21 

Next Week….

Your Thanksgiving (Rivalry) Pick’s will be out next week on Wednesday the 27th of November. 

This should give you plenty of time to get your “Hate On” for Thanksgiving

We will have a few other tidbits of interest to keep you entertained next week as well. 

So, Stay Tuned

One More Thing…

I want to thank all the wonderful people of Macon Georgia who took the time to come and listen to me speak last Saturday.

I can’t begin to tell you what a wonderful time I had meeting you all. 

Thank you so much for your hospitality. I look forward to returning very soon. 

The “New” story on is forthcoming, I promise.  

It’s a story that needs to be told but is difficult to write. 

I wrote it for a friend of mine.

I hope you will read it when I (finally) complete it. 

Lastly, it’s almost time for the Bicycle Elf and his trusted Junior Elf “Doc” to return once again to Santa’s workshop. 

Because not even the Hillbilly Taliban can keep a good Elf down. 

God Bless You all and be good to one another 


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