Ladies and Gentlemen –
This is point in the college football season when we separate the wheat from the chafe…
The cheese from the cracker….
Separate the popsicle from the stick….
The Nutty from the Buddy
(You know what I mean…)
We have a lot to discuss….
So, let’s not waste anymore time here
This is…. “The Third Saturday in October”
Enjoy Your Picks…
Weekend Rewind…
Before we get into this week’s segment, I would like to thank all the fans from the University of South Carolina for showing me their undying love and admiration for last week’s pick.
I haven’t had that much love from so many Rooster’s since I got all those KFC coupons in the mail last year.
That being said, Your Favorite (I know that I am you don’t have to keep telling me) College Football Prognosticator was a rather uncharacteristic 38 and 12 or 76% for last week.
That leaves The CFB Wizard 378 and 63 or 86% after seven weeks in the college football season.
I know, I know the numbers are slightly below average for this time of the year.
But “IF” you think this picking is easy….
Keep this in mind
The Southern Methodist University has a better record than Tennessee, Arkansas and Florida State…
Combined
Let that one sink in for a minute
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS!
SOUTH CAROLINA: Think about this one for three seconds….
The Gamecocks defeated Number 3 Georgia last Saturday….
With a 3rd string quarterback
By 3 Points….
(That is your free 3 message for the week)
TEXAS A&M: I always wondered what “The 12th Man” saying meant in Aggie-Land….
I think I figured it out after last week’s game
TEXAS: Told you so……
PAC 12 CONFERENCE: Are yawl still playing football out there?
Asking for a friend
ILLINOIS: (Please see the above question)
GEORGIA: I couldn’t resist…
COACH’S HOT SEAT O’ METER:
It’s time for a weekly look at the guys on the Hot Seat!!!
Chad Morris of Arkansas
Uh, things just keep on getting worse out in Fayetteville. Another week and another loss. And this loss was to a not particularly good Kentucky team who has been hit with injuries this season and graduation from last year. Kentucky is NOT a perennial power year after year. So, let’s look at Arkansas just a little closer.
Since 2012, the Razorbacks have won a total of 13 games in conference play. That’s just over a game a season if you do the math. They’ve had 2 winless seasons in the conference during that span, too. How has this program fallen so far?
They’ve never really been a conference power, but, they’ve always played good football and, at least, been respectable
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 85-90
Kirby Smart of Georgia
This is ole’ Kirby’s first week on the charts, but believe me, if he has any more slip ups like he did last week against South Carolina, it won’t be his last. From what I gather, fans are railing about everything from the play calling during last week’s inexplicable loss to the prudence of letting Justin Fields go and keeping Jake Fromme.
One thing that is always true about the fans from the Peach State. It doesn’t take long to start wailing about their coach and why they can’t be more like Alabama.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 55-60
Willie Taggert of FSU
Wow. What can you say about the thorough and utter ass-whoopin’ at the hands of Clemson. This wasn’t close or even a competitive effort. I mean, it was 28-zip at the half and 42 to NOTHING before the ‘Nopes finally got on the board. FYI – that was no typo. Cause, NOPE, ya’ll ain’t goin nowhere this year.
But, here’s the good news. There is only a $17 million dollar buyout if the folks in Tallahassee want to reach deep in their pockets and by out Willie’s contract. And, in playing in the ACC there is STILL the possibility of getting to a bowl with the likes of conference opponents B.C. and Syracuse and an out of conference matchup with Alabama State on the schedule.
The days of Bowden are long gone in Tallahassee and the enthusiasm is waning.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 88-93
Jimbo Fisher of Texas A&M
Close, but no cigar. When you put Fisher’s record up against Sumlin’s for the same number of games, Sumlin’s record is actually better. And the recruiting is supposed to be better. Heck, that’s Jimbo’s strong suit and one of the enticements for luring him away from Tallahassee. It’s early, and A&M has had a pretty tough schedule, but he’s getting all that money for 12-7 since arriving in College Station?
And, here’s one that doesn’t show up in the stat lines. Did you see the thug-like play starting to emerge during the Alabama game? Yeah, I know people from A&M and they ain’t happy about that. But, hey, according to the contract I saw on the Houston Chronicle, if you get rid of Coach Fisher at the end of the season, you’ll only owe him…. the balance of his contract. Not a buyout…. the balance. But, it won’t be due all at once. You write a check for 25% after 60 days and the remaining balance will divided evenly in annual installments until 2027. Jimbo got one over on you there, boys.
CFB Hot Seat-O-Meter Rating – 55-60
(He can withstand a whole lot more heat with that buyout of his)
Joe Moorhead – That loss to the Tennessee Velveteers in Knoxville probably stings. But, what is going to sting more is 3 of the next 4 games include LSU, A&M, and Alabama. With a win over Ole Miss in the Rotten Egg Bowl, the Bulldogs should get bowl eligible, but I don’t think Mississippi State fans had squeaking into bowl eligibility in their plans back in August
Jeremy Pruitt – Our crack staff put our heads together and came up with this to justify the Vels inclusion here, even after their own inexplicable win over Mississippi State. It just doesn’t take much to get ‘em stirred up on the mountain.
And, well, Alabama, South Carolina, Missouri, Kentucky, and Vanderbilt are still on the schedule. BUT, don’t sleep on UAB. Georgia State pulled the upset to start the downward spiral. Don’t think UAB, a program that’s been back in business for a far less time than the Panthers and is itching to make a name for itself, won’t be coming into Ney-Ney-Land to leave their own brand of disappointment in Knoxville.
BIG ORANGE REPORT With HOOTIE SNITCH
I’m back! Your Ole Buddy Hottie “Big Damn Orange” Snitch!
The Number Damn One Volunteer Fan on the Planet!
I was taking me a hiatus from reporting on the best damn team in the country!!
In case you was a wondering, a hiatus is like a rest, not a hemorrhoid like I first thought.
But here I am to report on some news that is going to shock the damn world!
But first things first!!
I just done got finished talking to none other than Coach Phil “Greatest of All Time” Fulmer!
Hell, yeah, I did!
We are kinfolk and Phil Fulmer is part Snitch so it ain’t hard to get a hold of him.
Anyways, Coach Fulmer told me after looking at all the film of the games, are you ready?
The Volunteers were only 197 plays away from being Number Damn One right now!
That’s right!
So, the way I figure it, not only is we the Number Damn One Team in the Country!
And we is going to beat them posers in Alabama by about fifty damn points!
My Pick for the game? VOLS 63 to 7
You heard it here first folks!
GO BIG ORANGE!
Hootie – Out!
EDITORS NOTE: Remember two very important lessons here boys and girls…
1. Don’t do Drugs
2. Don’t be a Tennessee fan because it will make you do drugs
THE CFB WIZARD EMAILS OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
Can you please something positive about Kentucky this year?
Pleaseeeeeeeeeeee?
You hurt my feelings by not firing us up this year.
Connie – Danville, Kentucky
A: Your heart felt email gave me an “Intentional Heartache” ma’am
How about a little something from Floyd County’s favorite Son?
I see YOU Connie!
Q: Dear Sir,
I am Victor Mather, esteemed literary writing genius of the prestigious and world renowned New York Times.
I am writing this in anticipation of a juvenile and childish reply from you to an article I recently wrote for this Nobel Prize winning publication. Let me clarify. We put out an extremely interesting and factual essay on the “biggest sports rivalries.” Here’s the link: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/ .
To research this extremely interesting topic which we came up with, and since we know almost nothing about college football, we enlisted the help of two Business Professors from a couple of little known Universities to research and come up with a hypothesis for just who the greatest sports rivals are.
Well, it was an eye opening and awakening experience for all involved!!! As you can see (if you are capable of reading the article), the greatest sports rivalry in the land is Arizona – Arizona State!!!
Now, I know that all of you less intelligent inbreds in the Deep South will disagree and say Alabama – Auburn or Clemson – South Carolina, or some brutish and less strident institution, but you’d be obviously wrong.
These two highly educated men know more about human nature, macroeconomic issues, the dynamics of stock markets and, obviously, college football than you or any of your misinformed readers.
So before you are triggered into some pithy remarks and a vain attempt at rebuttal, why don’t you educate yourself, get “woke”, and admit that this ground breaking article is, without a doubt, the most significant piece ever published in the history of college sport!
Victor Mather
Award Winning Master Writer
THE New York Times
A: I will defer to my trusted friend and closest companion “Doc” the world famous Black Lab, when I told him we received and email from “The New York Times…
He started licking his ass…..Enough said
Q: Dear CFB Wizard
Why the animosity and discontent towards Tennessee?
Some deep aroma meditation and chanting might help your core and relax your chi.
Please contact us and we will show you the world of transcendental meditation.
Thank you
Blossom Jane – Shelbyville, Tennessee
A: Just for the record…
My core and my chi are just fine (Thank you very much..) and I try and avoid anything that has the word “Trans” in it, unless it’s a Pontiac.
But to answer your question…..
I think this says it best, it’s a classic
Q: Hey man it’s The Third Saturday in October, what do you have for us this week!
Can’t wait
Lavonne – Birmingham, Alabama
A: Here you go Brother, Roll Tide..
My List of Why I hate Tennessee
1. Their color of orange closely resembles infected orangutan ass orange
2. The ridiculous fight song much like their fans is annoying and ironically encourages unemployment, not paying bills and inbreeding
3. The State of Tennessee passed a law that it “encouraged” its citizens to eat road kill, enough said.
4. The Possum Festival and Possum “Fritters” (Seriously…)
5. Volunteer fans think the “T” on the helmet stands for knowledge.
6. Three words for you…Fat Phil Fulmer.
7. Lack of dentistry and dental hygiene
8. They don’t know how to win, and they don’t know how to lose
9. OBKnoxville always smells like wet cat food, and stale urine.
10. They have no idea what their mascot actually is it….a dog? An orange? A Mountaineer? And Now they have (wait…) a squirrel. Yep a rodent…How ironic
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard –
Hey man! How about a mention and some love for The Ohio State Buckeyes!
Thanks!
Gerald – Columbus, Ohio
A: Well, the Black Eyes haven’t had a wife beater on the staff in nearly a year,…
That we know of anyway.
Q: Mister Wizard –
You will not believe what I saw this past week at the Philadelphia zoo!!
Siamese Twin Hippo’s!
I am serious!
Have you ever seen anything like that, ever????
Tammy -Stafford, Virginia
A: The only thing I have seen close to that Tammy is a fat woman in a Wal Mart in Ann Arbor Michigan in a pair of Maze and Blue sweat pants. She wasn’t a twin, Siamese or otherwise, but she was being recruited to play offensive line for the wolverines while I was there.
THE GAMES
Wednesday 16 October
South Alabama at Troy
This Old grudge match in South Alabama is called….
They Battle for the Belt
Somebody is going to get a whipping…
MEN OF TROY 33-17
Thursday 17 October
Louisiana Lafayette at Arkansas State
It’s going to be close….
But “Do” the World-Famous Black Lab has his favorites..
RED WOLVES 31-28
UCLA at Stanford
You guessed it….
Nobody cares
CARDINAL 28-21
Friday 18 October
Marshall at Florida Atlantic
I hate to go against the Thundering Herd in this one…..
But…
LANE’S OWLS 34-31
Pittsburgh at Syracuse
For reasons you may not understand..
I can’t in good conscience pull for anything “orange” this weekend
(Sorry, not sorry)
PANTHERS 38-21
Ohio State at Northwestern
Yippee….
BLACK EYES 49-17
Saturday 19 October
Clemson at Louisville
Not even close…..
DABO’S TIGERS 41-17
St Olaf at Bethel
The Ollies are still undefeated (That’s right I said it..)
That trend will continue on Saturday (Believe it)
OLLIE’S 33-17
West Virginia at Oklahoma
There won’t be any smoldering, burning couches in Morgantown this weekend….
ROLL JALEN ROLL 44-21
Charleston Southern at North Alabama
Damn it Lions…..
Come on just this one time
FLORENCE LIONS 34-28
Wisconsin at Illinois
Last week, in a controlled scrimmage Illinois lost to a Sock Monkey, an empty aquarium and a Slim Whitman Album of his Greatest Hits.
CHEESE WHIZ 44-10
Southern Nazarene at Arkansas Monticello
It’s Homecoming for the Bo Weevils on Saturday…
Don’t worry, Bo already knows
BO WEEVILS 34-28
Florida at South Carolina
You know what they say, right?
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch
(It’s going to be close….)
GATORS 28-24
Auburn at Arkansas
I wish I had better news for the Razorback faithful..
But I don’t
WAR DAMN EAGLE 49-10
Missouri State at North Dakota State
The Fargo Dome in beautiful Fargo, North Dakota
There is nothing like it anywhere
MIGHTY BISON 34-17
Purdue at Iowa
There are few traditions in college football that are more awe inspiring than watching the fans wave at the kids in the children’s hospital across the street from stadium between the first and second quarter.
It’s a beautiful thing
HAWKEYES 34-14
Georgia Tech at Miami
Both of these teams are just sad to watch…..
There I said it
HURRICANES 3-2
Florida Tech at Valdosta State
The boys from South Georgia are on Fire and undefeated
BLAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 44-21
West Alabama at Delta State
This week the Okra are market Fresh….
FEAR THE OKRA 34-21
North Carolina State at Boston College
“Doc” said to go with the Big Dogs in this one…
WOLF PACK 33-31
Iowa State at Texas Tech
I have seen some Cyclones in West Texas….
It’s not pretty
CYCLONES 38-34
Norwich at Maine Maritime
People in Maine have funny accents, there I said it…
That’s all I have for this game
(Sorry)
NORWICH CADETS 33-28
Texas Christian at Kansas State
I have no idea which one of these teams will actually show up
WILDCATS 31-28
Oregon State at California
I was going to watch this game (Honest)
But Doc and I have a macaroni art class at the same time…
(Priorities are Priorities)
DA BEARS 3-2
Coastal Carolina at Georgia Southern
I already know what song you want to hear….
FREE BIRDS 34-17
LSU at Mississippi State
Nothing to see here….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 44-17
Oregon at Washington
Quack, Quack….
GO HUSKIES 33-28
Temple at Southern Methodist
It’s going to be close..
Mighty Mustangs stay undefeated
Believe it
MUSTANGS 34-31
Minnesota at Rutgers
The Golden Rodents that live in the ground…
(Sound’s like a weird Disney movie….never mind)
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN RODENTS 38-14
Tulsa at Cincinnati
With due respect to the country music classic song….
“NO” it is NOT Tulsa Time
BEARKATS 41-17
Louisiana Monroe at Appalachian State
Poor Ole Monroe isn’t going to enjoy this game
MOUNTAINEERS 34-14
South Florida at Navy
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NAVY 33-24
Carson Newman at Lenoir-Ryne
I complain about this every damn year and they still don’t have it right
IT IS “LEANN RIMES”! GOT IT?
EAGLES 44-41
North Carolina at Virginia Tech
With these two schizophrenic teams it’s almost impossible to pick a winner
HEELS OF TAR 3-2
Southern Miss at Louisiana Tech
This grudge match down-South is known as “The Rivalry in Dixie”
Soon to be changed too, “The Indigenous Land Grabbers Disagreement”
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24
Indiana at Maryland
This game should be televised on NBC, because No Body Cares
SOMEBODY 3-2
Duke at Virginia
Yep, I said it
BLUE DEVILS 34-24
Baylor at Oklahoma State
Down go the Bears….
COWBOY UP! 33-31
Missouri at Vanderbilt
It’s going to be close in Nash-Vegas…
Believe it
MO’S CATS 33-31
Kentucky at Georgia
Don’t rule out Big Blue in this one….
I am serious
SMART DAWGS 31-24
Montana at Sacramento State
I wish this game was played in snowy Big Sky Country…
No matter, I am going with
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 34-31
Arizona State at Utah
I understand this is a “Big” game in the PAC 12….
Not that any of us actually care
TWO UTES 28-24
Rice at Texas San Antonio
I believe that Rice has turned to pudding already…
(Just for the record I love rice pudding)
REMEMBER THE ALAMO 28-17
Kansas at Texas
This one is going to get out of hand before the first commercial break…
LONGHORNS 44-21
Oklahoma Baptist at Ouachita Baptist
One thing you can count on when this many Baptists get together…
Somebody is getting Baptized
GOTCHA BAPTIST 41-24
Eastern Carolina at Central Florida
The Golden Knights will win this game and claim The Eastern Carolina National Championship
O’ GOLDEN NIGHTS 38-21
Tulane at Memphis
When in Memphis, please be sure and see Sun Studios and Graceland…
That is all…
ELVIS’S TIGERS 41-38
Colorado at Washington State
Mike’s cats rebound from two down weeks..
Believe it
MIKE’S COUGARS 34-28
Army at Georgia State
It’s going to be close…
But the caissons keep rolling along…
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24
Michigan at Penn State
ESPN College Game Day will be in Happy Valley..
It’s a Big Game
(Not even close…)
NITTANY LIONS 38-21
Texas A&M at Ole Miss
Unfortunately the “12th” Man won’t travel with the Aggies this weekend
Not that it matters
GIG EM 34-24
Florida State at Wake Forest
The Seminoles have been reduced to Semi-Colons, it’s sad…
DEMON DEACONS 31-21
Tennessee at Alabama
This game is “The Third Saturday in October”
It’s Democrats verses Republicans
It’s Oil and Water
It’s Cowboys and Indians
(Except it’s worse)
It’s animosity and hate
It’s personal
CRIMSON TIDE 38-17
Arizona at Southern California
People in California are far too busy with $5.00 a gallon gasoline, binary gender descriptions and homeless defecating in the streets to be concerned about this trivial contest.
WILDCATS 28-24
Boise State at Brigham Young
The Bronco’s are undefeated and will remain so….
Believe it
BRONCO’S 33-28
Air Force at Hawaii
I will be headed into an Air Force town for a book signing next week….
I am not going to jinx myself
MIGHTY FALCONS 33-31
Next Week….
As I stated earlier, Your Truly will be headed to the Panhandle of Florida next week..
(Baja Alabama as I like to refer to it)
I will be signing copies of “Sunnyside Up” at Bayou Publishing on John Sims Parkway in beautiful Niceville Florida on the 25th and 26th so if you are in the neighborhood, please drop in and see me.
Don’t worry your weekly Picks will be out right on time as you have come to expect.
There is more on the way…
So, Stay Tuned
One More Thing…
If you could use a good laugh, please check the latest story on Mikerights.com
Thank you all for your encouragement, questions and emails…
Doc and I truly appreciate it
Enjoy your games this weekend and be good to one another….
(Unless you live in OBKnoxville…)
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD