Ladies and Gentlemen –
Have you ever seen a true freshman punter sail one into the stands?
Yeah that was me last week on the Week One Picks….
Thanks’ a lot you bunch of heavily favored jackasses…
(Yeah it was that bad…)
See for yourselves…
A CFB WIZARD (BRIEF) COMMENTARY
You know as long as I have been doing this article….
And picking college football games…
One would have thought that I would have seen just about everything
You would be incorrect in that assumption.
I have never (ever) had such a low percentage on Week 1…
Before I provide my hideous numbers from last week, I feel it incumbent upon me as a noted Southern Author, College Football Prognosticator and Celebrity of some note, my Top 5 excuses from last week on my poor performance.
1. “Doc” the World famous Black lab and I were in the process of moving The CFB Wizard Headquarters and were distracted by the new shrubbery and swimming pool at the new location. (“Yes” we peed on or in both, Don’t judge us)
2. “Doc” and I had to rush to enjoy our “Battleship” Night (Don’t judge us)
3. I was distracted by a shiny object while writing the picks and it wasn’t a squirrel in an aluminum foil suit as I had first thought.
4. I don’t write as well on artificial turf… (Don’t judge me)
5. Two words….Sock Monkey
Now that you understand, here is the horrible truth…
Week One…..Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator 58 and 7 or 88%
EMAIL OF THE WEEK
Q: Dear Sir,
I am Johnson Winfield Lincoln, President of the NCFFA, National Collegiate Football Fan Association (N-C-Double-F-A). Our organization has existed behind the scenes for years and advocates for fans of College Football.
We have led many successful events and assisted fans with creating long lasting rituals for over 100 years. For example, in the 50’s before automobiles really became big, we assisted Ole Miss with implementing the “tailgate” at The Grove, rather than cut the majestic oaks there for firewood and timber.
We have assisted countless institutions with the implementation of fan participatory events like ‘White Outs’ or ‘Black Outs’. We did, however, try to dissuade the University of Georgia from having their famous “Black Out” event at the Georgia Dome for the Alabama game years ago. We just didn’t feel that Coach Richt really stood a chance on that evening.
But what the heck (Excuse my French!)
But, getting to the point, in light of the recent spate of collegiate athletes leaving their colleges and universities and transferring to other programs, we have come up with a novel concept that should catch on as we progress through the football season.
After seeing teams like the Tennessee Volunteers and Florida State Seminoles fail to meet the lofty expectations of their fan base, we have set up our own “Transfer Portal.”
Let’s face it. No one wants to spend money on tickets, travel, and memorabilia only to be left in tears cheering for a team that is obviously going nowhere year after year. The basic premise is that if a fan in good standing of the NCFFA, decides that he or she has suffered enough disappointment and heartbreak, they may simply send notification of ‘intent to transfer’ to the NCFFA for entry into the transfer portal.
Afterwards, we will review the application and assign another institution for the applicant to follow. For instance, a Tennessee Volunteer fan would naturally be assigned a new fanbase of either Auburn or Florida since the natural orange color can easily be converted to a new team.
A Florida State fan would be assigned Virginia Tech or Texas A&M or Mississippi State since that would also constitute a natural progression of color. An Ohio State fan would unfortunately be prohibited from being assigned another Power 5 University, because, well, nobody really likes them.
So, as you can see, we have once again created a solution for that age old problem of following a team that is going through some really, really tough times. We encourage fans from South Carolina, Missouri, Arkansas and UCLA to join the NCFFA and become a fan of a new team!!!!
Johnson W. Lincoln
President
NCFFA
A: This is one of the kindest, most thought out insightful letters I have ever received
Thank you
(I am weepy)
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS!
KANSAS: I wonder if Coach Les Miles new contract with the Jayhawks came with an endorsement from “Just for Men” hair dye.
It’s a reasonable question….
OLE MISS: But Current Rebel Offensive Coordinator and one time Michigan Coach and poster boy for hair plugs Rich Rod, well his wife still looks like the Crypt Keeper.
FLORIDA STATE: I can’t even look at you right now……
MISSOURI: (See above)
JACKSON STATE: You know……
It’s not often the team mascot get’s an unsportsmanlike like penalty and gets ejected from the game, but…….
Welcome to Jackson State
NAVY:
Dear United States Navy
I have not as of yet heard from my other requests I have sent you….
I beseech you in the Holy name of Coach Bryant….
Please carpet Bomb Dr. Pepper’s Fansville
Thank you
The CFB Wizard
TENNESSEE: Say what you will about me, but I don’t pile on when people are teams are having a difficult time.
It’s just not who I am or what I am about.
For example..
This is totally inappropriate
This is terrible…
This is absolutely unacceptable…
EDITORS NOTE: I was just joking, I am enjoying the Hell out of it….
It’s called Karma Fat Phil, eat it like you do a damn Krispy Kreme, jackass.
O’ Yeah….
One more (Sorry…but not really)
THE GAMES
Thursday 5 September
Hardin at Ouachita Baptist
O’ Yeah the season starts tonight for these teams and I know it’s not “Church” night…
But….
GOTCHA BAPTIST 27-24
Tusculum at Delta State
Three words for you
(I have missed saying them)
FEAR THE OKRA 34-31
Carson Newman at West Florida
I hate these damn people that can’t read a map….
“West” Florida is Mobile Alabama
(You bunch of Dumbasses)
EAGLES 38-34
North Alabama at Montana
This is one of hell of a game to start the season …..
I can’t watch….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-24
Arkansas Tech at Arkansas Monticello
In case you were wondering…..
Yeah I do know the Great Bo Jackson and I also know….
BO KNOWS WEEVILLS 34-31
Friday 6 September
William and Mary at Virginia
Just so you know….
Bill and Mary are going to get their ass kicked…
GUYS ON HORSES DOING STUFF 41-17
Wake Forest at Rice
I would rather watch two dudes in the nursing home fight over D-Day than this game…
DEMON DECONS 31-28
Marshall at Boise State
Nope…..
Not betting against the Broncos this week
(Sorry about last week, by the way)
BRONCOS 44-28
Sacramento at Arizona State
This game looks like a protest is going to break out….
SUNNY DEVILS 178-3
Saturday 7 September
Ohio at Pittsburgh
Yeah, I would call this one an upset…(Sort of..)
FRANK’S CATS 27-24
North Dakota at North Dakota State
This was once a rivalry in the Black Hills…..
Now it’s just an annual ass whipping
MIGHTY DAMN BISON 33-17
Valdosta State at Albany
This game is going one way…..
BLAZZZZZZZZZZERS 44-14
Cincinnati at Ohio State
Yippee! The Buckeyes are on their beat ever little teams ass in Ohio Tour!
BUCKEYES 41-28
Army at Michigan
You want the truth, right?
(Of course you do….)
It’s going to be closer than you think
WOLVERINES 33-21
Rutgers at Iowa
Is Rutgers still playing football?
Who knew?
HAWKEYES 44-14
(WAVE at MY Kids at the Children’s Hospital between the first and second quarters)
Syracuse at Maryland
I really don’t care…..
URANGE 41-38
Old Dominion at Virginia Tech
O’ Boy this one will be close….
HOKIE TURKEYS 44-10
Alabama Birmingham at Akron
I say “Upset” here…….
BLAZZZZZZZZZZZZ 33-31
Southern at Memphis
Yawn……
ELVIS’S TIGERS 151-3
West Virginia at Missouri
Well, it’s all I got on this game (Sorry)
MO’S TIGERS 33-31
Charleston Southern at South Carolina
New quarterback, New Season….
GAMECOCKS 41-17
Vanderbilt at Purdue
I cannot in good conscience pull against the Boilermakers after they dedicate a Fan Tunnel to Tyler Trent…..I just can’t.
TYLER’S BOILERMAKERS 28-24
Bowing of Green at Kansas State
Whatever…..
WILDCATS 44-28
Western Carolina at North Carolina State
(SEE ABOVE)
WOLFPACK 34-10
Northern Illinois at Utah
“IF” you really care about this game then you have some serious issues
TWO UTES 41-34
South Florida at Georgia Tech
I don’t believe either of these teams have their crap together….
And that’s…..
NO BULL 24-21
Texas A&M at Clemson
Here we go………
It’s going to be close…
(NO it won’t….)
DABO’S TIGERS 41-21
Central Michigan at Wisconsin
Like we care with Clemson and the Aggies playing….
CHEESE PEOPLE 44-10
Nebraska at Colorado
I recognize this isn’t popular…..
But it’s going to happen
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 31-24
Charlotte at Appalachian State
Apparently Miss Charlotte doesn’t know how they treat women “On the Mountain”
MOUNTAINEERS 44-17
Richmond at Boston College
The people from Richmond haven’t seen this many Yankee’s since Grant came to town..
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 51-10
Illinois at Connecticut
Seriously, Like we care……
I am firing some of the CFB Wizard staff this week if they keep sending me these games
FIGHTIN PUMPKINS 3-2
Eastern Illinois at Indiana
(SEE ABOVE, I mean it, layoffs are coming …..)
HOOTERS 4-3
Southern Miss at Mississippi State
A tussle in the Magnolia State…..
Now we are talking…
BULLY DOGS 31-28
New Mexico State at Alabama
I like Old Mexico better……
Although the roads aren’t that good and the water makes you poop like a rabid raccoon there are at least fewer Mexicans. (Just saying…)
CRIMSON TIDE 44-10
Murray State at Georgia
The Racers from Kentucky can’t wait to race their asses home after this one….
SMART DAWGS 49-10
San Diego State at UCLA
Nobody cares, let’s just admit it……
BRUIN BEARS 2-0
Northern Colorado at Washington State
I saw Coach Mike Leach’s news conference last week…..
When he compared the size of turds I almost peed myself (There I said it)
MIKE’S CATS 38-17
Louisiana Monroe at Florida State
“IF” Ole Coach Willie loses this one……
There will be more riots than you saw in Ferguson Missouri….
SEMI COLONS 24-14
North Carolina AT&T at Duke
Over the years I have paid that damn telephone company enough money they should have their own college, just saying…..
BLUE DEVILS 44-17
Maine at Georgia Southern
Say it with me…..
FREE BIRDS 41-24
South Dakota at Oklahoma
This game will be uglier than the Grinder Switch High School Home Coming Queen
(Believe it…..)
ROLL JALEN ROLL 55-10
Central Florida at Florida Atlantic
After this game the Golden Knights declare themselves National Week 2 Champions….
(I can’t wait for the parade…)
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 41-28
Eastern Kentucky at Louisville
A Semi-Battle in the Bluegrass….
(Not so much…)
CARDINALS 44-17
North Texas at Southern Methodist
I don’t need to say it……
You know I love my Might Mustangs
So in the Holy Names of….
Doak Walker and Bobby Layne I say….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-31
Brigham Young at Tennessee
I am betting Ole Fat Ass Phil Fulmer already shelled out some money for the officials
VOWELS 31-28
Coastal Carolina at Kansas
We see you Coach Les Miles!
(Stop dying your damn hair…..and the dancing, for the love of God)
JAYHAWKS 28-17
McNeese State at Oklahoma State
Don’t your kids watch this, please…..
COWBOY UP! 234-3
LSU at Texas
This is going to be a damn good game……
“IF” You are a Tiger…
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 33-31
Tennessee Martin at Florida
I am watching LSU and Texas….Sorry
GATORS 51-10
Nevada at Oregon
(SEE ABOVE)
DUCKS OF DEATH 34-28
Buffalo at Penn State
NOBODY CARES PENN STATE..PLAY SOMEBODY!
NITTANY LIONS 421-3
Tulane at Auburn
Nope, not close……
WAR DAMN EAGLES 51-10
Western Michigan at Michigan State
Don’t you just love the BIG 10 (Whatever) schedule…..
Damn when do you all actually play somebody?
SPARTANS 161-10
Eastern Michigan at Kentucky
Come on Kentucky…..Damn…..
BLUE CATS 41-24
Arkansas at Ole Miss
This will be close……
I have no reason to quantify my otherwise reasonable rationale
(Whatever that means…)
FOAM RUBBER BLACK BEAR COL SANDER LOOKING SAND/LAND SHARK REBELS 33-24
Prairie View A&M at Houston
I saw a scantly clad woman in the grocery story today over the age of 45…..
It was sign….
COUGARS 44-17
Miami at North Carolina
I wouldn’t have believed it three weeks ago, but I believe in the…..
MACK ATTACK 33-31
Texas El Paso at Texas Tech
I haven’t seen a good ass whipping in West Texas in a long time….
I will tune in to this one…
GET THOSE DAMN GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 44-17
California at Washington
Yeah I will be asleep or passed out before this one comes on….Sorry
HUSKIES 33-28
Stanford at Southern California
Yeah I remember when this was a “Big” game out west…..
It’s been a while
TROJANS 21-17
Minnesota at Fresno State
Really?
GOLDEN GOPHERS OF GOLD 33-17
Oregon State at Hawaii
This is a sentimental pick…..
Say what you will I don’t care
DOG’S BOUNTY HUNTING ON RAINBOWS 41-38
Next Week….
“Doc” the World Famous Black Lab and I should be settled next week…..
You will have more on the way and far more timely (and entertaining) to include a “New” story on Mikerights.com, so please stay tuned.
One More Thing….
Thank you all for being so kind and patient with “Doc” and I as we move into the new CFB Headquarters. We both truly appreciate it…
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD