CFB Wizard College Football Update

June 28, 2019
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Many of you have already heard the exciting news but please (Please) do NOT be alarmed.

So let’s clear up any rumors that may be swirling around the internet and around the water cooler about Your Favorite College Football Prognosticators future.

Although many of you are already aware or suspected as much after the news this week

I want to assure you that my bid for the upcoming Olympics will NOT affect your college football websites, prognostications or witty commentary that you enjoy.

Let me explain this a bit further for those that are unaware.

As many of you may already know that other than being a noted Southern Author and College Football Prognosticator I am also a phenomenal dancer.

Surprised? Don’t be it’s a gift…

So, you can only imagine how I reacted this past week when I heard the news that The International Olympic Committee, that’s IOC to the layperson, announced that…

“Break Dancing” would be included in the 2024 Olympic Games.

Immediately I started training to chase my dreams of Olympic Gold

Just to prove how serious I am about my quest….

I dug out my Old M.C. Hammer pants….

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t judge me, because you can’t touch this.

Then I ordered the classic movies, “Electric Boogaloo” and “Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo”

EDITORS NOTE: “Yes” I ordered both of them, now you know it’s serious.

The sounds of ….”I am Pop’N and Lock’N Fool!” resonate throughout my home as “Doc” The World Famous Black Lab looks on bewildered but encouragingly.

As my Olympic training regime begins in earnest this week I have temporarily turned over the reins of this week’s CFB Wizard article to someone who is no stranger to Texas A&M Athletics, their fans or those that reside in College Station Texas.

I would like to introduce to you Miss Agnes Faye Clodfellter, also known as “Aggie Faye”

Agnes is famous at Texas A&M as a former shot record breaking shot putter on the Aggie Track and Field team and the Texas women’s power lifting Champion the past eight years in a row.

More recently she was known for lifting the bus with the Aggie Marching Band on board, so the mechanics could change two flat tires on the way to an away game.

I would like to introduce the newest member of The CFB Wizard Staff, Miss Agnes “Aggie Faye”.

First of all it’s “MZ” you dumbass, not “Miss”, but Howdy Everybody!

The College Football Twerp told me I had to say a little something about myself before I get into talking about college football. So let me tell you a little something, something.

I set the Aggie record for the shot put at Texas A&M (Gig EM Aggies!) but was later disqualified from the track meet for throwing a track officials golf cart through the goal post at LSU.

Unfortunately, the track official was still in the golf cart at the time when I threw it, but whatever.

And “NO” I don’t do steroids, this is all natural and I know I am a big gal, so shut up.

I live outside College Station Texas (GIG EM AGGIES!) in the “Hell Yeah” Trailer Park on Lot 21A on Johnny Manziel Drive. I live with my crazy ass Uncle Ruckus, who by the damn way stays liquored up 24-7 but has still managed to win the County 4H Sheep Breeder Award four years in a damn row without ever owning any sheep.

I still don’t know that Ole Boy has done that but whatever.

So let’s talk some College Football!

FLORIDA STATE:

First things first, I don’t like those damn Turd Wranglers in Tallahassee talking trash this week about OUR Football Coach Jimbo Fisher. “They” say that Jimbo didn’t try to win his last year at Florida State.

O’ Damn Really?

Let me tell you all something, if you don’t shut your damn mouths I will drive to Tallahassee and kick every one of your damn asses,. You don’t think I will?

Ask that smartass track official from LSU who took a ride in his damn glof cart through the goal posts, he should be out of the hospital next month.

Here is some other College Football News for you from my perspective…..

TEXAS A&M:

The Texas A&M Aggies (GIG EM AGGIES!) are going to make a hell of a run at the Southeastern Conference Title this year and the other piece of news is that…

The University of Texas Longhorns still suck like a brand new Hoover Vacuum Cleaner.

I wish ya’ll could see the damn CFB Wizard over here behind me doing some kind of crazy dancing, he looks likes somebody just Tazered an Octopus.

MICHIGAN:

Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh looks like a drunken shop teacher I had one time in high school. The same creepy glasses and same pulled down creeper ball cap. Anyway, we were making spice racks in class and he walked by me and grabbed my butt one day, and I picked him up and threw him through a plate glass window.

To tell you the truth I still don’t know how I got a “C” in that class.

OHIO STATE:

I am glad Urban Meyer left Ohio State because I got sick of watching him grab his personal business on television and then smell his hands., it made me sick.

O’ Yeah one more thing about Ohio State

I wish “coach” Zack Smith would try and put his damn hands on me like he did his wife, I would hit him so hard by the time he woke up his damn clothes would be out of style.

PAC 12 CONFERENCE:

I was going to write something about the PAC 12, but I just read that California might start paying all their college athletes and the NCAA said “IF” they do that then they won’t be eligible for any Championships.

I laughed my ass off when I read that! Like those damn self-centered, tree hugging, safe spacers could actually “win” something. Hell, give them all a participation trophy and they will be happier than a road lizard basking in the Texas sun.

LSU:

I can’t understand a damn thing Coach Ogre-On ever says on television, but he does remind me of a cheap Bible Salesman I arm wrestled once in Amarillo for beers.

IVY LEAGUE:

I don’t know what ya’ll ever heard about those people but they are a bunch of damn snobs. I went up there last year with a local group of the 4H Council and met a bunch of people, whatever.

You know what else? They put napkins around their cold beer up there, have you ever heard of such a damn thing as that?

We were at this afternoon party, whatever they called it, and I was drinking beer two at a time and these three uppity folks came strolling over, one woman and two guys.

The guys had these shirts buttoned up their Adam’s apple and the woman had a dress on that looked like somebody threw up on it.

So one Ole Boy asked me…

“Are you and your companions here from some university we may have head of?

I took another swing of beer and said “Yeah”

Then he asks me, “Yell?”

So I hollered as loud as I could, “BAYLOR SUCKS!”

It took me awhile to find out he meant “Yale”, not “Yell”, whatever. I don’t give a tinkers damn what some smartass no football playing Yankees think about me. The Damn Aggie Marching Band could whip every one of their football teams put together.

Everybody hang on just a second……

I heard the CFB Wizard holler or something and Doc is barking. I bet he done went and hurt himself with that crazy damn dancing I saw him doing. Hang on a minute…

I have got to leave ya’ll for now,

Looks like I got to throw the Ole College Football Fella in the back of my pickup truck and get him to the hospital, that Ole Boy has got himself tied up tighter than a ball of twine at a Cub Scout knot tying party.

Come on Doc jump in the cab of the truck….

We got to take your crazy ass Daddy to the doctor.

See Ya’ll Later

GIG EM AGGIES!

AGGIE FAYE

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