Ladies and Gentlemen –
As you enjoy the hustle and bustle of this Holiday Season it’s important that you take time to yourself to enjoy this festive and joyous time of year.
This is where Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator comes in….
So take a moment from your package wrapping and online shopping and kick your feet up with a glass of Egg Nog and enjoy Part II of the College Bowl Picks.
Think of it as your own personal gift from all us here at The CFB Wizard.
Before you even ask, “No” you may not return this article after the Holidays.
Enjoy Your Bowl Picks…
THE CFB WIZARD (CORRECTION)
We here at The CFB Wizard take a great deal of pride in the accuracy of our college football coverage and reporting and I need to correct an egregious oversight from last week, that although was not in any way considered a slight towards either the Bowl game or the teams themselves a correction is in order.
After receiving numerous emails (Hundreds actually) from a variety of angry Brigham Young Cougar fans that were apparently jacked up on 2% Milk while venting their angst towards yours truly for “omitting” their bowl game last week that is to be played on Friday 21 December.
I stand corrected and want to correct this heinous mistake.
This Friday 21 December, the Brigham Young University Cougars will play the Western Michigan Broncos in the Famous Potatoes Idaho Bowl.
However after seeing the “mascot” for this bowl game (Seen Below)
I would like to correct my early correction…….
Due in large part to what I believe the mascot for this bowl actually looks like….
I would like to announce….
Friday 21 December
THE FAMOUS TURD IN A SOCK BOWL
Brigham Young and Western Michigan
EDITORS NOTE: There, I fixed it…
THE COLLEGE BOWL SEASON
The College Football Bowl Season can be confusing for many, and we here at The CFB Wizard have provided a brief guide to answer the variety of questions we receive here this time of the year in the hopes of enhancing your holiday bowl season.
TEXAS: For those Longhorn fans that are either disgruntled or still stinging from the Conference Championship Loss the Oklahoma I have good news for you!
The Longhorn Network will be providing around the clock 100 hours of live coverage…
“BEVO: Home for the Holidays!”
This exciting and mesmerizing coverage will show the Beloved Texas Mascot “BEVO” walking around in an open field while the sounds of the season are played for your listening enjoyment in the background.
There will be a variety of moments to share with the entire family as the beloved Longhorn steer walks about, eating and defecating while Perry Como and Nat King Cole sing Holiday Classics.
Noting says Christmas quite like watching BEVO attempt to lick the place his testicles used to be while you hear “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire….”
OHIO STATE – MICHIGAN: We have received many an email the past few weeks concerning the level of aggravation with and in both of these fan bases.
Some have asked “Will we ever beat Ohio State?”
Others have inquired with “Why Couldn’t WE get into the College Football Playoffs?”
Perhaps the best questions have come from outside the respective fan bases when they ask “What’s the difference between these to winey fan bases?”
I have provided a brief graphic below to help with the distinction
MARCHING BANDS: College Marching Bands are a part of the pageantry and tradition of college football and they play an intricate role in the motivation of the fans, alumni, as well as the players and coaches.
However many of you are confused as to “what” the marching bands play and “when” during the game and after a winning game.
Certainly each team and fan base has their own unique culture that is all its own. So to answer this in a generic way would be virtually impossible.
But for the sake of answering the question for you wonderful readers we have settled on a brief example from the University of Oklahoma Sooners.
We acquired this brief but “official” graphics from the music department at Oklahoma.
HOLIDAY SAFETY TIP
Before we move on it is incumbent upon me as a World Renown College Football Prognosticator and noted Southern Author, to share with you dear readers some very important safety tips for this festive season.
“Why” you may ask? Because I care
In the event you see your old shop teacher from High School that is dressed like Santa Clause ringing a bell outside a store with his one good hand that he didn’t mangle during the “Table Saw Safety Class”, don’t point out you only got a “C” for the spice rack you made that semester.
Because it’s possible he will remember you and begin a cussing tirade about the fire you started in the back of the classroom that caused the entire school to be evacuated.
Nobody wants to be cussed by a Santa in public nobody, trust me on that one….
And “NO” I don’t want to talk about it
THE CFB WIZARD EMAIL Q AND A
Q: Dear Misguided Ignorant Man
I am currently a student at Harvard studying Pre-Byzantine History and I was appalled when one of my fellow students sent me the link to your websites.
Do you even have any level of education?
Do you respect any form of higher learning such as we have here at Harvard?
What do you know about the sacking of Rome?
Do you know anything work writing about?
I doubt you even have the fortitude to print this letter
Regina C – Boston, Massachusetts
A: I am somewhat confused here Regina……
Why would you go to school that never goes to a bowl game and their marching band is horrendous. I don’t get that…..
However to answer your question I know all about when Rome was sacked.
Simply put……
He should have had a better offensive line
Q: Hey Man!
You didn’t comment on the Heisman Trophy last week??????
What gives????
Toby – Little Rock, Arkansas
A: To tell you the truth Toby I am still trying to decipher what the Heisman “Spokesperson” was trying to say in his opening remarks.
I don’t know when the Russians took over the Heisman Trophy Trust, but I will say this as merely constructive criticism for the Heisman folks.
“IF” Your spokespersons last name won’t fit on the back of a football jersey like say….
VLADIMIR GZOYZINSKIDONASKIBONTONSKIVARBOSKI
(Which I pretty sure was the guys actual name at the Heisman podium)
Then you are doing it wrong…..
You are just doing it wrong
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard
My Family and I will be visiting a place near you called “Crab Orchard” Tennessee to visit some of my wife’s relatives during the Christmas Holidays.
Being from South Carolina I have never once visited that part of the country and my wife has never been there either, so I thought since you live nearby you could provide us helpful tips for our visit.
Thank you and Merry Christmas!
The Hogan Family – Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: Thank you for the wonderful email and Merry Christmas to you and Your Family!
Since you are traveling to Crab Orchard Tennessee I will provide one very important tip
As it is Christmas, the usual accepted Holiday Cheer does not apply there…..
Case in point…..
In the even you feel the need to shout “HO HO HO!”…..
I can assure you that you will not get the words “Merry Christmas” following said Christmas greeting before you see and or hear……
People flying out of trailer houses shouting “Where’s they all at????”
Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
We are having one heck of a time finding a gift for our niece (She’s a toddler)
Do you have any suggestions that could be helpful to us?
Thank you
Cletus and Rowena – Big Lick, Tennessee
A: Since you are both undoubtedly Tennessee fans, I would say this gift would be most appropriate.
HOOTIE SNITCH’S MERRY CHRISTMAS
What has become a bit of tradition here at The CFB Wizard, I would like to once again Welcome the self proclaimed Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet, Mr. James “Hootie” Snitch of Baneberry, Tennessee with an original rendition of his own
“Night Before Christmas”
Enjoy……
Twas the week before Bama, Knox-ville was afire,
Cause its startin’ ta look, like ole Pruitt’s the hire.
Yeah, we’d just just beat Auburn, and we didn’t care,
That Bama’s ranked first, they’d bess just be-ware.
The fans were all rowdy, gonna get just rewards.
Yeah, you shoulda read, them Vol Nation boards.
Although our team record, it stood at five hundred,
could WE win the East, that’s what we all wondered.
Now Flarda and Georgia, almost made us crack,
but beatin’ tha Tigers, made us know we’re back.
Sat down in my chair, to watch us roll Bama.
Had orange kool-aid, and some GO VOLS pajamas.
In just the 1st quarter, my dreams were all shattered,
defense they got rolled, and then they got splattered.
The sun was real bright, on that green football field,
that Bama offense, they just wheeled and they dealed.
My spirit was crushed, I got real i-rate…
It kept getting’ worse, gave up fifty-eight.
Tha losses kept pilin’, as the season kept going,
broke lots a chairs, and my phone I was throwing.
It’s Flarda, it’s Georgia, Car’lina that won,
West Virginia, Missouri, and Vandy, we’re done!!
We’d finally got rid of Butch Jones and his can,
and now our new coach, put us where we began.
First Kiffin, then Dooley, then Butch and now Pruitt,
LET’S BRING FULMER BACK! I know he can do it!!!
Or Peyton, he’ll come, if we ask and we beg,
to put the fire out, on this whole powder keg.
But one things real clear, while we’re too tired to fight
I’m drankin’ some hard stuff, on this Christmas night!
So we’ll keep a cheerin, and we’ll wait for fall,
While our misery’s deep, Merry Christmas to all.
HOOTIE – OUT!
EDITORS NOTE: Beautifully and eloquently said Hootie….
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM SYLACAUGA LEDBETTER
Ladies and gentlemen I am proud to announce that Country Music Superstar Sylacauga Ledbetter has taken a brief respite from his Nationwide Tour to write and perform an original song or two for you, with disgruntled South Carolina Gamecock fans in mind on the first one provided below and a Christmas song on the second.
I like to think of this as our own personal Christmas Concert
I hope you will enjoy it……
AND It wouldn’t be Christmas without a Christmas song to send us on to the Bowl Picks would it? Mr. Sylacauga Ledbetter has provided us all with a melody for us to celebrate.
Merry Christmas from Sylacauga Ledbetter…
THE BOWL GAMES
Wednesday 26 December
SERVPRO First Responders Bowl
Boston College and Boise State
The name of this bowl game confuses me…..
So what does a soft serve ice cream machine have to do with first responders?
Is there salmonella in the damn ice cream machine?
I don’t get it…..
BRONCO’S 31-28
Quick Lane Bowl
Minnesota and Georgia Tech
Shouldn’t they just call this bowl game what it actually is?
“The HOV Lane Bowl”
YELLOW JACKETS 38-21
The Waste Management and Recyclable Bowl Presented by the Soprano’s
I don’t know who is going to win this game but I bet it’s rigged
Rutgers and Montclair State
Cheese It Bowl
California and Texas Christian
This Bowl game is accurately named….
These two teams couldn’t be any damn cheesier if they tried
HORNED DOGS 28-24
WACK-A-MOLE Bowl
I think the name of this bowl game speaks for itself….
Arkansas and Texas Tech
Thursday 27 December
Walk-ons Independence Bowl
Temple and Duke
I liked this bowl game a lot better when it was the Weed-Eater Bowl
But that’s just me
BLUE DEVILS 31-28
New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Miami and Wisconsin
Whatever happened to the “Old Era Pinstripe Bowl”
It’s a reasonable question
CHEESE MEN 24-17
The Jihad Bowl Present by the Muslim Brothers Association of America
I don’t know who is in this game but I bet they have a blast
Academy Sports and Outdoors Texas Bowl
Baylor and Vanderbilt
In all fairness, they had me at “Texas”……
COMMODORES 33-17
TUMS Antacid Quick Relief Bowl
This Bowl game is for those two teams that gave their fans heartburn all season long…
Ole Miss and Florida State
Friday 28 December
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Purdue and Auburn
I was going to make a joke about this bowl game and one of it’s participants but…..
It’s Christmas….
BOILERMAKERS 33-31
Wang Chung Bowl Presented by the Wang Chung Family of Fine Chinese Cuisine
I think the winner of this game is determined in the pregame festivities as to which team finds the flea collar in the Shrimp Fried Rice first.
Southern California and Nevada Las Vegas
Camping World Bowl
West Virginia and Syracuse
Believe it or not……
This is going to be one heck of a game
MOUNTAINEERS 34-31
Valero Alamo Bowl
Iowa State and Washington State
This Bowl game is dear to my heart…..
Every morning when I wake up the first thing I do is…
Remember the Alamo
MIKE’S CATS 33-31
Ex-Lax Gentle Relief of Minor Constipation Bowl
There is nothing like having two teams in this bowl game that have blown it out their collective butts all season long.
East Carolina and Connecticut
Saturday 29 December
Chick-Fil-A Bowl
Michigan and Florida
Here we go, now we have some Big Boy Football…….
MIGHTY GATORS 34-31
Belk Bowl
South Carolina and Virginia
O’ Carolina is going to bring the heat in this game, believe it
GAMECOCKS 33-17
Nova Home Loan Arizona Bowl
Arkansas State and Nevada
Nobody cares……
SOMEBODY 17-14
Cotton Bowl
Notre Dame and Clemson
Shouldn’t this have been “the” game for the ACC Championship?
I’m asking for a friend…..
DABO’S TIGERS 34-17
Orange Bowl
Alabama and Oklahoma
This game is going to be wild…..
Hang on to your seats folks
CRIMSON TIDE 41-38
Monday 31 December
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Cincinnati and Virginia Tech
Shouldn’t there be a “military” school in the Military Bowl?
Just saying….
TURKEYS A FIGHTING 28-24
Hyundai Sun Bowl
Stanford and Pittsburgh
Sorry I will be watching “Smokey and the Bandit”
CARDINAL 24-17
Reebox Bowl
Michigan State and Oregon
I have no idea what a damn “Ree-Box” is or is supposed to be and I don’t care either
SPARTANS 24-21
AUTOZONE Liberty Bowl
Missouri and Oklahoma State
This my friends is going to be a good game, Believe it
MO’S TIGERS 38-34
San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl
Northwestern and Utah
California doesn’t even have any credit as a state; how the hell are they having a credit union (can we have a Holiday in there too?) Bowl. O’ I get now……
It’s a fund raiser for California….Count me out
TWO UTES 17-14
TAXSLAYER Bowl
Texas A&M and North Carolina State
I support this bowl game because I am all for Slaying the current Tax Code
GIG EM AGGIES 34-17
Next Week…….
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will return next week with New Years Day Bowl game predictions along with the Championship game pick.
I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a healthy and prosperous New Year.
And I would be remiss if I didn’t add
Thank you all once again for riding along with “Doc” the Black Lab and I all season.
We truly appreciate it
Merry Christmas
One More Thing…….
As you have come to expect; You have a “New” Christmas Story this week on Mikerights.com to celebrate the season but I will tell you this one is different than in Christmas’s past.
I hope you will enjoy the story and I truly hope it will encourage you to let your light shine this Christmas. Let it shine my friends, let it shine.
So from Doc and Myself here at the RTR Farm we say……
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD