2018 Preseason Extravaganza Part II

August 9, 2018
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Many of you are still giddy with excitement that Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator has returned from his myriad of duties with the U FITE Corporation.

“The Universal Fan Interactive Team Experience”

To once again bring you (The College Football Fan) the most comprehensive College Football Preseason guide in the country, Part II.

I know what you are thinking, but please don’t say it.

I know you love me, but let’s don’t make this weird.

Enjoy…….

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COACH

Before we go on any further…..

I would be remiss if I didn’t wish a very Happy Birthday to the Great Coach Lee Corso of ESPN College Game Day who is 83 years old this week.

College Football Game Day’s would not be the same without you Coach, and from the “Not so Fast My Friend!” to the moment at the end of ESPN College Game Day when every (every) college football fan around the nation is glued to the screen for your headgear selection

ESPN Game Day Crew’s Lee Corso, headshot, taken in Alabama on 09/06/03.
Credit: Al Tielemans
SetNumber: X69158 TK3

Happy Birthday Coach, We Love You!

PRESEASON EMAILS Q & A

Q: Dear Dumbass

You think you are so damn smart don’t you?

What makes you think Coach Urban Meyer was lying at Big Ten Media Days?

You are a complete joke

Buck Nuts9 – Columbus, Ohio

A: Thank you for the well thought out email.

It was actually quite easy for me to determine that Coach Urban Meyer was lying….

His lips were moving

Q: Ass%$#@! Like you are what’s wrong with college football!

You set behind a computer and you are a BIG man trying to tear down Urban Meyer!

I hope he sues you for slander, you jackass.

Buckeye Pete – Cleveland, Ohio

A: Pete, let’s take the emotion out of this and keep this in perspective shall we?

It’s not like I choked Urban out while he was pregnant and threw him down the stairs

Q: Hey Dog

Did you really have to bring up the whole Winston, Florida State thing yesterday?

Man that is old news G, let’s move on and get on the Aggie Bandwagon.

Them Aggies is coming On!

Travis – Huntsville, Texas

A: I can only assume that due to your location and because you are defending a rapist that you are currently being housed in the Huntsville Unit with the Texas Department of Corrections.

They should really screen outgoing mail better.

Q: Hey Wizard!

We still haven’t found where we can get us some U FITE, kickoff is right around the corner and my wife and I have got to have a couple of them things for the opening weekend. When (Where) will they be sold?????????

GO VOLS!

The Waters Family – Crab Orchard, Tennessee

A: Have no fear Waters family, information on U FITE will be out next week, just in time for you to get Your Big Orange on for College Game Day.

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

(Please – Please – Please) Don’t print this letter ok?

I read your book Sunnyside Up and I loved it! (Loved it!)

I can’t wait until your next book comes out in 2019!

I have never (ever) asked this of anyone, but I have a personal favor to ask of you.

You see I have never met an author before and I kind of got a “thing” for you.

Could you please send me a Dick Pic?

Please?

Maggie – Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

A: Sure, Here you go….

Football: Chicago Bears Dick Butkus (51) during game vs Green Bay Packers at Wrigley Field. Cover.
Chicago, IL 12/14/1969
CREDIT: Neil Leifer (Photo by Neil Leifer /Sports Illustrated/Getty Images)
(Set Number: X14397 )

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

MISSISSIPPI STATE: Out of all the opening Coaches statements throughout the various conference media days, perhaps the best opening statement came from new head coach of the Bulldogs, Joe Moorhead when asked his impressions upon arriving in Starkville from Penn State.

“Humidity smacked in the face immediately and everything is wrapped in bacon”

EDITORS NOTE: Hence why there haven’t been any Muslim terror attacks in the Great State of Mississippi

TEXAS: Meanwhile at the University of Texas at Autism…….

In the event you are bored with reading the College Football Preseason Extravaganza

(And I couldn’t imagine why you would be)

I wanted to include today’s television schedule on the Longhorn Network.

0600 – 1000: The 2006 National Championship between Texas and Southern California

(Complete without commercial interruption)

1000 – 1200: Former Longhorn Coach Mack Brown discusses the 2006 National Championship game and breaks down film of key plays that will be shown in “Super Slow-Mo”

1200-1300: Beloved Longhorn Mascot BEVO gets bathed and groomed.

1300 – 1400: Former Longhorn Coach Mack Brown interviews himself in the mirror on his recollections of the 2006 National Championship Season.

1400 – 1530: Longhorn players that no one remembers from the 2006 National Championship team reminisce about the game against Southern California along with Former Longhorn Coach Mack Brown

1530 – 1600: Handlers for Beloved Longhorn Mascot BEVO describe “why” he doesn’t have any testicles as they lovingly brush him.

1600 – 1700: Former Longhorn Coach Mack Brown takes us through his personal emotional journey of the Longhorns 2006 National Championship Season, complete with photographs from his personal photo album of that year.

1700 – 2100: The 2006 National Championship between Texas and Southern California

(Complete without commercial interruption)

2100 – 2130: “BEVO Sleeping”, is a “new” addition to the Network, as viewers get a chance to watch the beloved Texas Mascot sleep in his paddock to the sounds of classic lullabies.

2130 – 2400: Former Longhorn Coach Mack Brown takes us through the film of the final practice before the 2006 National Championship game with Southern California in the Rose Bowl.

(Complete without commercial interruption)

OHIO STATE: In a major Public Relations promotion to curb the negative publicity that has emerged from Columbus the past two weeks, The Ohio State University has released this statement.

“We are sensitive to the disturbing issues that have emerged as of late within our athletic department more specifically the Buckeye Football Program. In an effort to encourage our fans, alumni and supporters we are proposing several innovative and public awareness events this year.”

“Anyone wearing a wife beater T-Shirt with black paint underneath at least one eye will receive half-off their game day ticket and a signed game day program by Coach Urban Meyer and former Assistant Coach Zack Smith.”

“But that’s not all Buckeye Fans!

“This year special consideration will be given to “who” will be Honored at Halftime in the Big Horseshoe as they Dot the “I” in Lie, I mean Ohio.”

EDITORS NOTE: I can hardly wait to see Mike Tyson try and find the “I”…..

COLLEGE FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME

As you might imagine there are a lot of legendary players in the College Football Hall of Fame, but I don’t want to mention “who” is in the Hall of Fame, I want to tell you who isn’t in the Hall of Fame.

Alabama’s Dwight Stephenson

Joe Namath

Kenny Stabler

But this isn’t about Alabama; on the contrary it’s about the greatest Quarterback (ever) at the University of Tennessee and one of the greatest ever in all of college football.
I know what you are saying, asking, thinking……

“Peyton Manning is already in the College Football Hall of Fame!”

I am not talking about him; I am talking about the greatest ever

Condredge Holloway

I will be the first to tell you, that I don’t care for narratives that begin with….

“The First African American to do such and such”

“The First Woman that ever did this or that….”

“The First one eyed Hermaphrodite Hispanic Midget with a prosthetic leg…”

You get the picture

To me it doesn’t matter that Condredge Holloway is black or that he was the first black quarterback in the Southeastern Conference. What does matter is that he could PLAY.

He was one of the most exciting, electrifying players in ALL of college football, who could turn a game with a pass or with a lightening run that resembled a runaway deer in a minefield.

He was tough as hell, and could do it all.

In college He was Bret Favre times ten.

He was in a word, one of the best there ever was and certainly in my minds eye, the best there ever was (or ever will be) at the University of Tennessee.

So while Tennessee fans swoon and faint over the mention of Manning’s name, why haven’t they, like me, petitioned the College Football Hall of Fame for Condredge Holloway?

He should be in the Hall of Fame and I won’t stop until he’s inducted. Believe that.

THE “Best” and “Worst” of the Upcoming College Football Season

EDITORS NOTE: There will be more on this topic, as this is what we like to refer to as a “teaser” for next week’s final installment of the 2018 College Football Preseason Extravaganza.

BEST COLLEGE GAME DAY PROGRAM:

Without a doubt the very Best College Football Game Day Program is on ESPN with the Great Coach Lee Corso, Kirk, Desmond, David and Reece and as always a “special guest picker” for the college football games.

Let’s face it, when you have your own theme music, then you are big time.

WORST…….

This one is a close contest between the ESPN Program that comes on before College Gameday with the two metro-sexual guys discussing uniform color combinations and the overly made up giggling girl in high heeled shoes who tries desperately to sound intelligent. But I have to declare the winner to be……

FOX Sports College Football: IF you haven’t seen it, don’t.

I will save you the time.

Imagine five kids with Attention Deficit Disorder that didn’t take their medication for three straight days that are all talking over each other, at the same time and vying for their teacher’s attention.

Yep, that about sums it up

BEST COLLEGE FOOTBALL ANNOUNCERS

Nothing beats the team of Kirk Herbstreit and Chris Fowler, with Miss Holly Rowe on the sidelines for a big time game and certainly there are a few (very few) other announcers that are objective and don’t make your ears bleed or make you want to grab the remote and hit the “mute” button, but this is the best team in college football.

WORST……

Where to begin……

I don’t know when we let Jihad Jim into college football but ESPN’s Adam Amin is without a doubt the most ridiculous excuse for an announcer I have seen since…..

FOX Sports Gus Johnson……….

Gus puts the “Gibbering” in “Idiot” and feels under some obligation to shout about everything, presumably to make it sound “exciting”.

FIRST DOWN!!!!!

KICKOFF!!!!!!!

NOW FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!!

I pray every football season that he gets lockjaw.

Tied for last of the worst is CBS Gary “I can’t shut the hell up” Danielson and ESPN’s Beth Mowins. I have detailed in the past how unbelievably horrible these two are and for different reasons, but in all fairness………………

Beth and Gary sound like Keith Jackson and Frank Broyles compared to Gus and Jihad Jim.

BEST “NEW” COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADTION

Without a doubt this award goes to the University of Iowa Hawkeyes and their fans who pause between the first and second quarter of each home game to wave and cheer for the children fighting disease and death crowded at the windows of the Children’s Hospital looming near the stadium.

WORST………

This award goes to THE Ohio State University who has taken a new twist to an old beloved arcade game and more or less made it their own.

Most of us are familiar with the “Whack-a-Mole” game but in Columbus on Game Day’s this involves placing a woman’s head through a hole cut into a cardboard refrigerator box and beating the moles and or skin tags off her neck and face with a plastic baseball bat.


Next Week…….

As promised You will have the 2018 Prognostications and Predictions along with the Opening Week Picks from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.

“IF” that isn’t enough, there will be more of the “Best” and “Worst” of the Upcoming Season and a few other surprises as well, so stay tuned.

One More Thing…..

It’s been awhile….

But believe it or not there is a “New” article on Mikerights.com on “Life at Clemson”

I hope you enjoy it and once again, thank you for reading both websites.

“Doc” the Black Lab and I truly appreciate it.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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