The 2018 College Football Preseason Extravaganza

August 2, 2018
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I know that many of you were worried, concerned and downright frightened that with my duties as CEO of U FITE! Which (As you know) is perhaps the greatest invention for the college football fan since canned beer and Velveeta Cheese, that perhaps I wouldn’t have been able to find the time to continue as Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.

Nothing could be further from the truth my friends.

I wouldn’t disappoint you loyal fans.

So take a deep breath, relax and enjoy Your Part I of the 2018 College Football Preseason Extravaganza.

You are Welcome America

ANOTHER CFB WIZARD COMMENTARY

I recognize that being a noted Southern Humorist, Author and Extraordinary College Football Prognosticator that I have grown to be a bit eccentric while living here at RTR Farm alone with my trusted companion “Doc” the Black Lab.

In fact, it was just the other day I discussed with “Doc” my philosophy on the vegetable family as it occurred to me that with potatoes you get chips, French fries, vodka and a host of other tasty treats, while it seems the other vegetables aren’t even trying to do anything noteworthy.

EDITORS NOTE: I blame it on the long offseason away from college football……

But College Football has changed a lot not only since I played, but certainly since I became Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.

There was a time not that long ago when we accepted such endorsements such as….

“The Official Potato Chip of the NCAA”

“The Official Tire of the NCAA”

Even……

“Wendy’s the Official Hamburger of the NCAA”

But now we have come to this, “The Official Boneless Pork Rectums of the NCAA”

So If you are wondering (And don’t want to admit it) …..

What the “Official Boned Pork Rectum” is of the NCAA…

Here you go

So I with all that that being said I want to thank each of you for riding along with me for another college football season through the all the thrills, disappointments, heartaches and tears.

But enough about the night of my Senior Prom, I don’t want to relive that.

The format for The CFB Wizard this year will be similar to what you have grown accustom too, but as you have also come to expect, there will be some distinct changes that should entertain as well as inform you the college football fan to enhance your game day experience.

This is the 2018 College Football Season and we have waited seemingly an eternity for kickoff, and as you have come to expect from Your CFB Wizard, you will have everything you need here throughout the college football season.

So Let’s Get to it…….

PRESEASON Q & A EMAILS

Q: Like, Duuuuuuude!!!

It’s me!!! Chubby Jimmy Mac!!!

Like, guess you heard about what went down at Florida. Maaaaan, that was seriously uncool. I mean, I don’t care what anybody says, those death threats were, like, really real, man.

But, I mean, I got let go and that’s cool.

But, seriously dude, I landed on my feet up here at Michigan with a really cool gig on Jumpin’ Jimmy Harbaugh’s staff and that’s really cool.

But, man, he’s taking all kinds of heat about this chicken meat and being jumpy and skittery and stuff and that’s not real cool because all that stuff is true. I mean, like, when I first got up here to interview he asked me about what I liked to eat and all and I said no chicken and he was like “whooooaaaaa, dude, that’s weird!

I stay away from yard bird too, cause it’s like, seriously uncool!”

So that’s how we really got it going and I even gave him some tips on what else to stay away from so that the football team could, like, win and all, you know???

Cause, like, man, you just can’t let your running backs eat pork, you know? Cause they’ll just get all fat and lazy and all. And you definitely should stay away from deer meat cause they’re, like, scared of everything and all that.

So, anyway, man, I’m doing good and just wanted to tell you how cool it is up here and like we’re going to try real hard again this year and hope we win a couple of games!!!

Later Dude,
Chubby Jimmy
University of Michigan

A: I still don’t have a damn clue as to what you are saying Coach.

Q: Hey Sexy

I’ve been ready your columns for a couple of years and I have question for you, ok?

So, what kind of women do you like?

I hope you liked the pictures I sent too!!!

Love and Lust

Big Tina – Texarkana, Arkansas

A: Thank you for the intriguing email and for being such a loyal fan.

To answer your question….

I like my women, like I like my coffee, ground up and stored in the freezer.

EDITORS NOTE: I bet that response will keep her from emailing me any more pictures

Q: Dear Mister Wizard

What are the odds that the Texas Longhorns will compete for a Big 12 Title this year?

Tom – Austin, Texas

A: Tom the odds of the Longhorns competing for a Big 12 Title this year are exactly the same odds of you building a snowman in Austin during Labor Day weekend.

Q: Hey Man!!

My wife and I have looked all over the internet for our own U FITE!!

We can’t find nothing no where!

So when is can we order us some U FITE?????

Bad Bob and Marsha – Chattanooga, Tennessee

A: Pump the breaks Bad Bob; you will be able to order your very own U FITE before College Football Kickoff, news and ordering information coming soon.

Q: Greetings and Salutations My Good Man!

The Maze and Blue Club here in Saginaw Michigan have a question for you!!

When can we expect to see the Michigan U FITE Model?

Quite frankly we are giddy with excitement of the anticipation of purchasing the Michigan Wolverine U FITE!

Thank you and Good Day

Hail Michigan!

James D. – Saginaw, Michigan

A: Thank you for the email James and your question could not have been timelier.

Next week (Right here of The CFB Wizard) we will unveil for the very first time the University of Michigan Wolverine U FITE!

So stay tuned, you will not be disappointed.

Q: Dear Self Absorbed Biased Jackass –

When are you going to have an article about the “Real” National Champions of College Football, THE University of Central Florida Golden Damn Knights?

Well?

What do you have so say now?

Alex – Orlando, Florida

A: I will take “Who didn’t win the National College Football Championship” for five hundred Alex.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL MEDIA DAYS

The excitement for every conference was on display during the various college football conference’s media days the past few weeks, and in the event you didn’t have the opportunity to catch your favorite team, players and coaches on media days here are the “Highlights” that you may have missed for each conference.

THE BIG TEN (Whatever the number actually is now) CONFERENCE

OHIO STATE: In the event you missed it……

Coach Urban Myer turned social warrior badass during Big Ten (Twenty Something) Conference media days last week, when he fired an assistant coach for a domestic assault he committed against his wife in 2009 and again in 2015. (“Yes” I said 2009)

When Coach Myer was questioned about “When” he knew of the domestic case concerning his assistant coach, the Buckeye Head Football Coach had this to say.

“I knew about it in 2009 but I didn’t really know what I didn’t know about what was to know about the incident until Yahoo Sports and ESPN replayed the story. So I didn’t know what I thought I knew when I thought I knew about it.”

EDITORS NOTE: While currently on “Administrative Leave” Head Coach of the Mighty Buckeyes, Coach Myer has been teaching the patented “Side-Step” dance moves that were once so popular in the 80’s to senior citizens at the Woodrow Hayes Assisted Living Home in Columbus.

EDITORS NOTE II:
Soooooooooooooooooooooooo

Where were all these “Me Too” folks and concerned citizens and fans when Mr. Winston was raping and running amok in Florida State?

It’s a reasonable question……

MICHIGAN: Coach Jim Harbaugh of the Michigan Wolverines when asked by a reporter covering the Conferences Media Event:

“How does he explain his 1 and 5 record against the Wolverines rivals?”

Coach Jim had this too say.

“The biggest threat to our health and the health of our football team comes from processed chicken Look it up if you want too, all the antibiotics and other additives are killing our society and more importantly our football team.”

EDITORS NOTE: Now there is an excuse I haven’t heard in a while:

Blame it on the chickens

Well played Coach Four Eyes, well played.

On the topic of “When” can Wolverine Fans expect to see Michigan in the Playoffs….

Coach Jim had this to say….

“I think we need to expand the playoffs by 24 teams or even more like they do in college basketball”

EDITORS NOTE: Translated: “Then maybe we might have a shot at getting in”


THE BIG 12 (LITE) CONFERENCE

EDITORS NOTE: It has all the rich taste of a regular conference but with less teams and only half the calories.

At the Big 12 (LITE) Conference Media Days held in Texas Stadium, the Oklahoma Sooners took center stage as did the West Virginia Mountaineers as they are both selected to be the top two contenders this year for the conference title.

But perhaps the most notable of the attendees at the event was Texas Longhorn Coach Tom Herman who boasted for over twenty minutes of his teams “new” weight room and the player’s achievements in vertical leap and speed.

EDITORS NOTE: Seriously, he really did…..

He then proceeded to berate reporters who asked the Coach “actual” questions about his football team’s upcoming season and the expectations of his staff and players.

If that was noteworthy enough, as other Big 12 (LITE) players from the various teams arrived in suits, ties and their finest clothes, the Longhorn players were dressed like disheveled hobos in need of a bath.

When asked why the Longhorn players were dressed in such a manner, Coach Herman said, “He wanted his players to be comfortable.”

EDITORS NOTE: I guess we should feel fortunate they didn’t wear their pajamas….

THE AMERICAN CONFERENCE

American Conference Commissioner Mike Aresco met with the member coaches last week at Denny’s (Home of the Grand Slam Breakfast!) just off route 6 in Newport Rhode Island to lament as well as celebrate the University of Central Florida Golden Knights Championship with chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream.

The Commissioner had this too say concerning the celebratory event….

“I thought it only appropriate that we all celebrate the National Peach Bowl, Championship National win thingy in this fashion. Pancakes are for winners!”

EDITORS NOTE: I think it’s funny that they have actually started to believe their own lies, you know like the Clinton Family does.

THE PAC 12 CONFERENCE

The Commissioner as well as the member conference coaches were said to have spent an “exhilarating” weekend at an authentic American Indian sweat lodge to discuss diversity and equal opportunity within the conference, while meditating on the upcoming college football season.

Noted changes to come from the PAC 12 Conference this year will be to send two teams from each respective Division of the Conference that are at the bottom the of standings to the Conference Championship Game.

As was noted by Pac 12 Commissioner What’s His Name…..

“It’s important that every school and team and fans feel included and feel like Champions, in this way our Conference leads the nation in inclusion, diversity and acceptance.”

Former Texas A&M Coach and current Head Coach of the Arizona Wildcats Kevin Sumlin had this to say about the rule “change” for the conference.

“This is some [email protected]#$%; these ass&*#@$ would get eaten alive in the SEC”

THE ACC CONFERENCE

Let’s face it there are only two teams in the Atlantic Coast Conference

Clemson and Miami and then…..

There is everybody else, which nobody is interested in hearing about.

And just for the record, both the Hurricanes and the Mighty Tigers will be good this year, as in really good.

More on this next week…..


THE SEC CONFERENCE

The Southeastern Conference Media days were held this year at the College Football Hall of Fame in Atlanta Georgia and there were several highlights of note that are worth mentioning.

LSU: Coach Orgeron of the Bayou Bengals had this to say about the upcoming season…

“Sha Ma Lack, Grrr Da Dem, Housa, Gem fern pass, Abana defenses and kusassa gemmee, dem down on da Voulousaa and kubbia in a down Suelassie, Geau Tigers”

EDITORS NOTE: Well spoken as usual Coach, well done.

TEXAS A&M: Coach Jimbo Fisher of the Aggies had some explaining to do when this voice recording and subsequent picture emerged from a recent Aggie practice in the spring.

In Coach Fisher’s own words…..

“I am approaching this opportunity at Texas A&M much differently than I did at Florida State, I won’t tolerate rape or stealing here unless it’s by a starter or some player that is really really good.”

And just for the record…..

This was my Favorite Team Jersey worn to the event by a local Alabama Fan…..

And in case you were wondering……

NOTRE DAME: (Not so) Fighting Irish Coach Brian Kelly and Father McFeely spent the college football media days meeting over coffee at a local Starbucks to remember Knute Rockne and watch “Rudy” on Coach’s I PAD.

Next Week…..

Next week You (“Yes” you) will have a variety of segments on Part II of the CFB Wizard Preseason College Football Extravaganza, like what you may ask?

The 2018 College Football Preseason Prognostications…..

The College Football Hall of Fame

THE “Best” and “Worst” of the Upcoming College Football Season and
The 2018 Predictions along with a few other features to include….

“The CFB Wizard’s” Dumpster Fire list, so stay tuned.

One More Thing….

Thank you all for being with me in the good times and the bad times….

I have written these little articles for you all in War and Peace and through death and disease and everything in between. I write this for you….

Thank you for riding along…..

I truly appreciate it

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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