Ladies and Gentlemen –
As promised earlier in the week, it’s time for the epic unveiling of perhaps the most important invention for the college football fan since canned alcoholic beverages.
Pronounced “You Fight”, it is the “Universal Fan Interactive Team Experience”
It can be enjoyed by everyone and all ages from your toddler to Uncle Jimmy currently being confined against his will in the assisted living facility in Rome Georgia.
It is with unbridled giddy anticipation I present……
U FITE!
Thank you, thank you for that incredible applause…..
I know that you are too excited for words and certainly I appreciate your squeals and howls of excitement and amazement, it makes me feel like the Elvis of College Football.
But before I present the detailed artist rendition of U FITE
I want to acknowledge my fellow inventor who prefers to remain anonymous at this juncture. He is currently overseeing the U FITE Production Site in South Carolina and I would be remiss if I didn’t say without his genius and vision this incredible product would have never been the reality it is before you today.
As was mentioned earlier in the week, through a lottery of sorts the University of Tennessee was chosen as the first prototype for U FITE and we certainly want to acknowledge their assistance in the initial prototype as well as providing the male model Darren Fernstickle you will see from Granny Switch, Tennessee.
Ladies and Gentlemen and College Football Fans Everywhere……
I proudly Present U FITE!
As you gaze in amazement at the artist rendition before you I want to point out several of the features of U FITE that you see before you.
First and foremost U FITE is made of completely recyclable materials and is not only ergonomic in its design but it’s also good for the environment and easily assembled for college game day and disassembled for easy storage until the following game.
I want to begin by discussing U FITE from the top down, as you will notice the Tennessee Volunteer prototype has the replica football helmets, but those aren’t there just to enhance the college game day experience!
Atop the helmets are a series of miniature solar panels that will power the various power ports we will discuss shortly on the U FITE control panel located in front of our model.
What about inclement weather you may ask?
As you can see U FITE has a universal Velcro attachment on the top of each of the support sections that will enable the college football fan to affix any team tarp, tent or rain protection from its masts. Your college game day experience won’t ever be dampened (No Pun intended) any longer with U FITE!
The sturdy construction and weight balanced design prevents any exuberant fan from having a “Roll-Over” or other type of disruption to the excitement of college game day.
The shock absorbers upholding the seat are designed from NASA specifications and come in a variety of sizes to support any size college football fans and they can be covered as you see here with your team’s colors and streamers to provide a festive mood for any tailgating experience or backyard game day viewing.
On a side note the U FITE design team considered naming the larger size shock absorber package the “Husky Package”, but upon the review of a detailed demographics study we didn’t want to alienate those teams whose most bitter rivalry is associated with a school whose mascot is a canine.
Washington Husky fans may enjoy ordering a “Husky Husky Package” for their U FITE, but the fans of the Washington State Cougars would abhor it.
Not to mention the way Georgia Tech and Ole Miss fan’s feel about their instate rivals.
We here at U FITE are inventive as well as sensitive to the needs and concerns of others.
The U FITE seat you see our model Darren Fernstickle resting so comfortably in, is designed from a NASCAR drivers seat and is made from a military grade Kevlar polymer, that although not entirely bulletproof it may very well come in handy at games in Los Angeles or during the many protests at the University of Missouri.
The shock absorbers allow you (the college football fan) to swing, sway and jump to your hearts delight in complete safety and comfort as you enjoy your game day experience.
Before we get to the U FITE control panel lets take a minute to discuss what has been described by the Millennial’s we surveyed as a “Safe Space Barrier”, but we here at U FITE like to refer to it as a “Fan Safety Protector”.
How many times over the course of a college football season in your excitement do you attempt an impromptu double high five or chest bump with a complete stranger?
What happens then?
Beverages are spilled, food trays are overturned and general mayhem occurs.
Not any more with U FITE!
The Fan Safety Protector acts as a shield to such antics while protecting the excited participants and prevents unsightly spills and post game rumors about..
“How Roy can’t handle his liquor.”
Now for the good stuff……
The U FITE Control Panel as we described is powered by solar panels located atop the decorative football helmets you see in this picture.
There are five USB Power ports located on the control panel to power your cellular device, tablet or a small fan or mini air conditioner for those September games in Baton Rouge or Gainesville Florida or even a small heater for the games in Madison Wisconsin in December.
There is a “Snack Tray” as well as three drink holders located on the control panels and also a small non descriptive “Fan Button” on each model that once pressed will play a variety of brief motivational sound bites to fire up any college football fan!
The University of Tennessee prototype you see before you here plays “Rocky Top”, there is a brief voice over of former Tennessee Coach and now Athletic Director Phil Fulmer saying “We are working like Heck!” and of course “Dueling Banjos” from the theme from the movie Deliverance. .
The titanium tubular design also can be “accessorized” to affix a miniature cooler as seen here in the artist rendering or even a “recyclable bin” for cans, bottles and the empty Golden Flake Potato Chip bag.
The sturdy wheel design can support any and all size fans and with its knobby all terrain wheels can traverse over any surface, be it broken pavement of gravel.
So there you have it……
U FITE!
Soon to be available for each and every college football teams across the country.
Now I know what many of you are saying right now….
But I speak for myself and my fellow inventor when I say, we don’t like words like..
“Genius”
“Revolutionary”
“Masterful”
We do this for you the fans to enhance your college football game day experience.
Also too we want to be filthy stinking rich.
Soon to be available U FITE!
Preorder yours NOW!
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD