The Last Bowl Picks of 2017

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Due to small, minuscule, scheduling error Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator “nearly” had the Bowl picks out tomorrow rather than today.

The results of such an oversight I recognize would have been catastrophic.

It’s enough to make one choke on a leftover popcorn ball from Christmas.

I shudder to think what would have happened “IF” I hadn’t had the Picks out for such Classic Bowl games as the “Foster Farms Bowl” and God forbid I would have missed the “Walk-On’s Independence Bowl”.

Fortunately disaster has been avoided.

Enjoy Your Bowl Picks

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

We interrupt the normal “Weekend Rewind…” and other college football news for some “Breaking” college football news, that I am sure you are already talking about.

As I am sure you know by now……

“The Longhorn Network” which is conveniently associated with every ESPN “sports” package on satellite or cable, primarily because they cannot make any money as a stand alone channel, has broken the barrier this Holiday season with a four hour program on Christmas Day entitled (Wait for it!)

“BEVO, Home for the Holidays!”

EDITORS NOTE: “Yes” I am serious…..

For those of you who may have been far too busy on Christmas Day to have enjoyed such enjoyable programming, that was I might also add, “Fun” for the whole family, let me describe what this incredible program entailed.

The program was four straight hours (Without commercial interruption!) of the University of Texas mascot “BEVO” walking around in a field, pooping, licking his hoofs, rubbing his be ole head on a tree and all to Christmas music!

EDITORS NOTE: It was the dumbest damn thing I have ever seen….

FOUR HOURS!!

Just a big ole Longhorn walking around, hence the title……

“BEVO, Home for the Holidays!”

Dare I say the individuals that came up with such an endearing programming from the Longhorn Network are Brilliant!

This ingenious programming idea, like all great ideas where quickly copied through the sports programming networks on Christmas.

GEORGIA: “Merry UGA Christmas”

Here is a brief thumbnail of the excitement of watching UGA enjoy his Christmas while listening to Burl Ives sing “Silver and Gold”.

THE OHIO STATE: You certainly aren’t going to catch the Buckeyes napping unless it’s an away game at Iowa! The “smart” people in Columbus quickly had three hours of programming which consisted of a watching a “Bowl of Nuts” while listening to “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”

EDITORS NOTE: I understand in the interest of “diversity” they included other nuts in the bowl as to demonstrate “inclusiveness.”

WISCONSIN: You think the Land of Cheese wasn’t paying attention?

Wrong!

Quicker than you can say “microwavable cheese” the good people in Madison had their programmers set to watching this block of Velveeta while listening to festive tunes.

SOUTH CAROLINA: The Gamecocks of South Carolina came up with perhaps one of the most ingenious twists on this idea, by programming several hours inside a commercial poultry house with a call in contest to “Guess which ones are Roosters”.

TEXAS A&M: The Aggies of College Station, which I like to refer to now as “Texas East Campus” were apparently so angry by the Longhorn Network’s programming of
“BEVO, Home for the Holidays!”, that they immediately called all the local television affiliates in their local area had had them run “Lassie Comes Home” on a loop.

Not the whole program, just the segment when Lassie saves Timmy from the well.

I also understand this “segment” was accompanied by the Holiday favorite of dogs barking out “Silent Night”

COLORADO: Often times when others try to copy “Genius” it falls flat, as was the case with the University of Colorado Buffalos.

In an effort to “copy” the University of Texas, the folks in Boulder had three hours of televising Wynona Judd having her back shaved and her hoofs painted while “Grandma got run over by a Reindeer” playing in the background.

FLORIDA: With all the upheaval in the Gator Athletic Department as of late with “Deaf Assassins” and threats against Santa Clause, all they could afford apparently was running “Geico” Insurance commercials on a two hour loop.

EDITORS NOTE: Like we couldn’t tell the difference between a lizard and an alligator

Shameful….

At least the “Cowboys” of Wyoming showed John Wayne movies….

TENNESSEE: Perhaps the worst attempt to “copy” the University of Texas Holiday programming came from none other than Knoxville, where most people think “ingenuity” is something you can order at an Italian restaurant.

I won’t provide any pictures here, because as you might understand it would be too disturbing for the younger readers. But using their dog mascot “Smokey” in the promotion is wrong in so many ways.

“Smokey Buttchugging for the Holidays”

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Hey Alabama Man!

We heard you were down in Georgia for Christmas!!

Is that true?

(GO DAWGS!)

Bulldog Brad – Athens, Georgia

A: No I didn’t Brad, and in case you were wondering…..

Charlie Daniels already wrote a song about the last time I was in down in Georgia

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

Do you have any “New Years Resolutions” that you care to impart on us?

Thank you for all the great picks this year and stories!

Sincerely

The Parker Family – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: Thank you so much for the kind email Parker Family.

I think New Years Resolutions should be goals that are easily achieved.

Too many people have goals and aspirations for the new year that are simply not achievable, which can invariably lead a person to “give up” and quit the pursuit of those goals altogether.

That is why Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator has “New Years Resolutions” that are well thought out and determined to be “achievable.”

For Example:

The coming year I will NOT, under any circumstances circumcise any rabid raccoons.
(So DON’T Ask)

I will NOT bring a Polar Bear into my house, “Yes” that also includes Wynonna Judd in a white coat, I’m not going to do it; Period.

I will try very hard this year NOT to run around my yard naked making whooping crane noises and flapping my arms when I get liquored up

(Just for the record, that’s only during college football season)

This year I will be kinder and less sarcastic, unless this spring we have the program on the Longhorn Network entitled, “BEVO; Dropping Easter Eggs for the Holidays”

Then all bets are off, I’m just saying….

This coming year I won’t be an extra in the “Hillbilly Game of Thrones”

(Thank God)

This year I want to forgive quicker, and love more

Before you ask, even “IF” I only get the last two of these right in the next year.

It’s a win

THE LAST BOWL PICKS OF 2017

Wednesday 27 December

Walk-On’s Independence Bowl
Southern Miss and Florida State
I’m not really quite sure what they are promoting here…..
Is it a “walker”?
Then why not couple that with a tennis ball manufacturer?
Doesn’t matter….
It will always be the Good Ole Weed Eater Bowl to me!
SEMI COLONS 24-21

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Iowa and Boston College
This bowl game is located in the Bronx, New York…..
To be honest….
“IF” they really wanted this bowl game to be accurate, then call it what it is…
“The Car Jacking, Drug Dealing Sex Trafficking Bowl”
HAWKEYES 34-17

Foster Farms Bowl
Arizona and Purdue
I’m not familiar with “Foster Farms”
But I do know that the fine family of “Boones” Farm makes some delicious wine to be enjoyed by adolescents and underage drinkers everywhere.
RICH CATS 41-31

Academy Sports and Outdoors Texas Bowl
Texas and Missouri
The “ASOTB” game as it has come to be known…..
Has an interesting trivia associated with it
Are you aware that “ASOTB” in Latin means
“Smell my Hands”
I don’t know where I was going with this one, never mind
LONGHORNS 38-34

The Gravy Bowl, sponsored by Golden Corral
This horrific mess of a bowl game will feature Tennessee against Themselves
I understand at halftime “Fat” Phil Fulmer will gorge himself on gravy at some unknown Golden Corral, which in Tennessee qualifies as “Quality Entertainment.”

Thursday 28 December

Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
Virginia and Navy
In case you were wondering……
Hell no I won’t pick against the Midshipmen!
GO NAVY 34-28

Camping World Bowl
Virginia Tech and Oklahoma State
Let me clarify this bowl game for you all…..
In a “world” where there is nothing but “camping” is known as “Homeless”
You are Welcome
COWBOY UP! 41-24

Valero Alamo Bowl
Stanford and Texas Christian
Regardless of where I am…..
Every morning….
The first (or second in most cases..) thing I do is…
“Remember the Alamo”
HORNED DOGS 28-24

San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl
Washington State and Michigan State
Another of the misnamed Bowl games for you…..
This game is in San Diego California which to be fair should be called…
“The Wildfire, Mudslide Gridlock Traffic Taxed to Damn Death Bowl”
Just saying…..
PIRATE MIKE’S CATS 31-24

Friday 29 December

Belk Bowl
Wake Forest and Texas A&M
Don’t they mean “Belt” Bowl?
You can’t hold your trousers up with a “Belk”
This is stupid……
GIG EM AGGIES 34-21

Hyundai Sun Bowl
North Carolina State and Arizona State
I cannot support a Bowl game sponsor that helped bomb Pearl Harbor
Sorry….
WOLFPACK 34-31

Franklin America Mortgage Music City Bowl
Kentucky and Northwestern
I don’t often guarantee a pick on a Bowl game…..
But consider this one a guarantee
Believe it
WILDCATS 28-24

Nova Home Loans Arizona Bowl
New Mexico State and Utah State
(See the above rationale for this bowl pick, I’m on a roll)
AGGIES 31-28

Goodyear Cotton Bowl
Southern California and Ohio State
If this bowl game was in Iowa I would pick something different
BUCKEYES 38-17

Saturday 30 December

Taxslayer Bowl
Louisville and Mississippi State
The mere mention of “taxes” makes me want to vomit in my trash can……
BOBBY’S BIRDS 34-14

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Iowa State and Memphis
I do love me some Memphis bbq…..
Sorry I was distracted by what I remember where heavenly smells of smoking pork
CYCLONES 41-38

Playstation Fiesta Bowl
Washington and Penn State
I really wish I cared, but I don’t understand how a ‘Play Station” can be a Fiesta?
Maybe if you played in Juarez Mexico while dodging gunfire and drug cartels..
That doesn’t sound much like a Fiesta to me, just saying
HUSKIES 28-24

Capital One Orange Bowl
Wisconsin and Miami
Well, at least the Hurricanes didn’t have to drive far to get their asses kicked.
MEN OF CHEESE 34-17

Sunday 31 December

WHAT? NO BOWL GAMES ON NEW YEARS EVE!!!!!!

This is egregious!

Monday 1 January 2018

Outback Bowl
South Carolina and Michigan
I couldn’t pull for Michigan if they were playing against North Korea
GAMECOCKS 33-24

Chick Fil-A Peach Bowl
Central Florida and Auburn
Don’t count out the Golden Knights in this one….
You have been warned
WAR DAMN EAGLE 31-28

Citrus Bowl Presented by Overton
Notre Dame and LSU
Notre Dame please see my thoughts on Michigan above and apply them to yourselves.
Thank you
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-17

Rose Bowl Presented by Northwestern Mutual
Georgia and Oklahoma
There is no point discussing my rationale here other than to simply say two words
“Baker Mayfield”
BOOMER DAMN SOONER 34-28

Allstate Sugar Bowl
Clemson and Alabama
Although I am entirely uncomfortable with this pick, I am under some obligation as an alumni in good standing with “my” university to make this pick; enough said
CRIMSON TIDE 34-31

Next Week….

After my third liver transplant of this college football season, I hope to return next week for the “Championship” Picks that will include James Madison and North Dakota State.

For those of you that are suffering through this college football season and perhaps even those of you that have had a difficult holiday season there is an article on Mikerights.com that is all about “Hope”.

I hope you will take the time to read it

There is more (Maybe) next week….

So Stay Tuned…

One More Thing….

Thank you all once again for riding along with me through yet another college football season. I hope that I got a giggle or two out of you throughout the season and occasionally gave you something to pause and think about.

On behalf of My Black Lab “Doc” and I, we thank you all wish each of you a joyous, healthy, happy 2018 New Year.

God Bless You All

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD