Ladies and Gentlemen –
As you have come to expect from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator, there is “One Stop” shopping here from Bowl Picks, Holiday safety messages, gift ideas and the always enjoyable and slightly disturbing “Night Before Christmas” with Hootie Snitch.
So wherever you may be this Holiday Season
Happy Hanukkah
Merry Christmas
Krazy Kwanzaa
Or a Randy Ramadan
Enjoy Your Bowl Picks…….
Weekend Rewind….
I could use this forum to describe yet another phenomenal first week of picking college bowl games and playoff games by Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator, but I can’t because my disappointment is too great.
You might be saying…..
“The CFB Wizard was over 90% last week! What’s to be upset about?”
I’m not disappointed with my percentage last week; I had something larger, more important within my grasp that slipped away with the ticking of one particular game clock.
It was one of those opportunities that only pass by once a generation.
You see, although I picked the James Madison Dukes to defeat the South Dakota State Jackrabbits last week in the semifinals of the FCS Playoffs that was NOT what I wanted the outcome of the game to be, although sadly the Dukes did in fact win the game.
Why you may ask?
Because in my mind I had the greatest (greatest) headline in all of college sports prepared for this weeks edition. It would have made headlines across the sports landscape and solidified my place in college football journalism history.
The headline I had prepared for the Jackrabbits upset over the Dukes…..
“The Jacks off the Dukes in the FCS Playoff”
EDITORS NOTE: I know that I am a naughty genius you don’t have to remind me.
But sadly that wasn’t too be, so I missed my place in college football journalism immortality, damn it.
Damn it…….
I was so close too.
THE CFB WIZARD CHRISTMAS (HOLIDAY) SAFETY TIPS
This Holiday Season is a wonderful time for everyone and can be enjoyed by young and old alike; it’s just a matter of taking the proper precautions.
As a noted Southern Author, College Football Prognosticator and Semi-Celebrity it’s important that I give back to the community, as was noted in the recent court documents for service to the community or whatever the legal mumbo, jumbo thingy said.
Anyway……
I have provided a brief comprehensive list of “Holiday Safety Tips” that should not only enhance your holidays but give you that peace of mind so the joy of the season will fill your hearts.
VISITORS……
If you didn’t learn your lesson at Thanksgiving from eating your Aunt Debbie’s “Ten Bean Chinese Ham Surprise Casserole” then you deserve another week of dysentery.
Do I need to remind you about the half eaten Cheese Ball that your neighbor retrieves from the freezer every year and brings over to your Christmas party?
Enough said, if you poop on yourself, I’ve warned you.
Additionally…..
“IF” your guests have pets they should be limited to dogs; period.
Now before you start crafting an angry email to me let me explain.
Cat’s can take care of themselves and let’s face it; they don’t like you anyway and will be happy to enjoy the peace and quiet of your absence. Also too this will allow them free access to poop in your grandmother’s urn.
Rodents are not pets: Hamsters, their fat ass little cousins (Guinea pigs), Ferrets, squirrels or anything else are NOT pets. That also includes your Cousin Elisha’s boa constrictor.
Be honest and tell Elisha, that you don’t care that she is trying to “find herself”, because the truth is unless she is trying to be a Britney Spears impersonator or an “entertainer” at the “club” near the truck stop on the interstate she has no business bring that damn snake into your house.
Remember when your grandmothers Chihuahua “Tootles” disappeared last Christmas after Elisha brought that damn big snake into the house?
Let’s not do another “I think Tootles ran away” story again this year, ok?
The subcategory for this visitors section is a vital one: “Significant Others”
I felt many of you cringe when you read that and I understand, just relax.
It’s important to remember this is the Season of Peace on Earth…..
So with that in mind, provide those annoying ass relatives with their aggravating significant others with directions to the local Holiday Inn or you won’t have any peace.
And lastly……
In the event you are shopping in your local mall for last minute gift ideas and you are approached near the Pepperidge Farms store by what would appear to be a “little person” in an Elf costume reeking of cheap bourbon, cheese and wet pancakes please don’t make eye contact with him.
And certainly do not engage him in conversation.
And just to be perfectly clear so there is no misunderstanding
When the drunken elf asks “If you want to see some summer sausage”
Contact Law Enforcement immediately
And before you ask, “NO” I don’t want to talk about it
HOOTIE’S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
It’s time once again to hear from “The Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet” who, as you know by now, is none other than Mr. James “Hootie” Snitch from Baneberry, Tennessee.
As you have come to expect, Hootie’s Christmas stories are as entertaining as they are mentally traumatizing, but always enjoyable as he details the Tennessee Volunteers season.
How he manages to wrap that in one package, is still a mystery
So without further interruption I present….
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
FROM THE SNITCH FAMILY!
Bout a month a’fore Christmas, and up on the hill
You could see all the flames, comin’ up from Knox-ville
A.D. Currie’d been hung from the campus with care,
In hopes that our team’d have a new coaching heir
The fans were all wishin for big a big name to come,
The “Grumors” were rampant, National Champs we’d become!!!
With mama in her orange, checker-board over-coat
We’d just settle in, Gruden’s name in our throat…
Then just down the road, there arose such a fuss,
All the people were swearin’, and started to cuss
I grabbed my shotgun, and flew out the door
But my P.J.’s got caught by a nail on tha floor
Now, I could see plain, as I ran in the night
Looked like a spook, got the people to fight.
But as I got closer, in the midst of this brawl
Was the ghost of Butch Jones, with his crew cut and all
He was laughin and grinning and smiled ear to ear
And he said “HEY, I got sumpin’, that you need to hear!”
He danced and he pranced and he giggled and screamed,
“I gave you a season, that you all never dreamed”
“I had all the slogans, and symbols, and sayin’s
I sure as hell felt, that I would be stayin.
I gave you the bricks and a turnover can,
A Life Championship, it was part of my plan!”
Then we got attention from ESPN,
When we started losin, they gave us some spin.
It just didn’t matter how hard that we rowed,
Our season was headed straight down the commode
So ya’ll got impatient, wanted me to just bail,
But instead I hung in, couldn’t miss this fire sale,
You jeered and you sneered and left Neyland half empty,
Fired me late in the season, then you lost to Vandy,
But, I got my buyout, a cool thirteen mil
Kick back with a beer, throw some steaks on the grill.
And when it’s all over, when your Vols they lose ten,
You’ll think back on me, and say “Butched agin!!!”
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!
HOOTIE – GO VOLS!
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard
Do you have any last minute gift ideas for small children or toddlers?
I need some help!
Thank you so much!
Paula – Hazard, Kentucky
A: Paula, you came to the right place.
I noticed that you are from Hazard Kentucky and I believe, as I’m sure do as well, in providing gifts to children and toddlers to prepare them for their future.
It’s important that they learn early in life what future is before them and the possibilities that are awaiting them as they grow into adulthood.
Might I suggest one of these two fine gift sets….
These gifts are alson available in East Tennessee, but sadly I understand the “Toddler Meth Playset” was already sold out, sorry.
Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
So as the Bicycle Elf for Santa Clause, I have a question.
Do you ever get to use Santa’s Sleigh for deliveries or just take it out for a spin?
(We have a bet in the office on this one!)
Thanks!
Merry Christmas!!
Lynn – St Joseph, Missouri
A: Merry Christmas to you Miss Lynn!
Unfortunately due to what was reported as an “Alcohol Related Incident” with Santa’s Sleigh I am no longer allowed to take it out and or use it in my official capacity as “The Bicycle Elf.”
But in all fairness it was Donner that wanted to go by the liquor store, that’s all I’m saying. That’s it, I won’t say any more, other than Cupid is a snitch. That’s it.
Q: Question Sir!
I enjoyed your Bicycle Elf story a year or so ago when you were hoping to be Santa’s “Employee of the Month”, any shot of that this year?
Just wondering….
Barbara – Comanche, Texas
A: Thank you so much for the kind email Miss Barbara
Yes I was in hopes that this year I could “Break the Glass Ceiling” for Larger than Normal Sized Elves, but sadly I don’t see that happening and I will tell you why.
Marty the Elf is a kiss ass. There I said it.
Marty is always criticizing the curl in the other Elves shoes and their level of “Holiday Cheer” and the like, all the while kissing Mrs. Claus’s butt.
You know the type……
“O’ Mrs. Clause have YOU lost weight this year?”
He is worse than Elf Rick if that’s possible……
The only way Rick got his job was because his fat ass “married” into the “business”.
Never mind, sorry I mentioned it.
I don’t want to be on probation again
Q: Dear Sir
I am a bit of a writer myself and I have created a most wonderful Christmas story written just for young children, it’s titled
“The Mouse with the overbite Touches the Monkey”
Would you be willing to publish my story on your website?
Thank you most kindly
The Reginald – Boston, Massachusetts
A: O’ HELL NO
Q: Dear Dumbass
You must live in some sort of a Dream World, because your articles and the like are ridiculously stupid. You are the kind of guy that probably believes in Unicorns.
Sincerely
Anonymous – Chattanooga, Tennessee
A: I’m sorry, are you saying there is no such thing as Unicorns?
Then explain this…..
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard!
Hey what is your “All-Time” favorite Christmas or Holiday movie?
Just Curious!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Colorado Tammy – Golden, Colorado
A: Thank you so much for the wonderful email Tammy
Merry Christmas to you and yours as well!
I happen to have several favorite Christmas movies…..
But my favorite is….
THE DIRTY DOZEN: It’s like “It’s a Wonderful Life”, but with Lee Marvin and Charles Bronson.
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard of College Football!
So what do you have on your list for Santa this year?
Inquiring minds want to know!!!!
Have a Great Christmas and an Awesome New Year!
Bill – Huntington, West Virginia
A: Thank you for the kind email Bill
My desires and wants are simple this year and I don’t require much from Santa.
My brief list for Christmas this year is as follows:
I perfect my Christopher Walken impression. (I’m almost there…)
Nebraska goes back to running the triple option. I miss it.
Due to her ever increasing size, Wynonna Judd becomes the 51st State
Fox Sports Commentator Gus Johnson and ESPN’s Beth Mowins will “commentate” the entire 2018 college football season using nothing more than American Sign Language.
More people take the time to visit the Beautiful Stony Brook Chalets, in Gatlinburg.
It will take your breath away. www.stonybrooklodging.com/index.htm
Check them out you will be glad you did. (Not so shameless plug)
The University of Indiana sports teams receive a corporate sponsor and rename their team the “Hooters”. (That would be so awesome)
The University of Iowa sports teams receive a corporate sponsorship from a renowned fried chicken franchise and re-name their team the “Popeye’s”.
Peace on Earth. Except in Obknoxville and Auburn….
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard
My wife (Deidra) and I were discussing several Christmas traditions and were in hopes that you could answer a question for us pertaining to this festive time of the year.
What is the origin of the phrase “Ho-Ho-Ho!” this time of the year?
And a follow on question if you please..
How should this phrase be used appropriately this time of the year?
Thank you and happy Holidays!
The Macdonald Family – Piscataway, New Jersey
A: The origin of the phrase pertains to jolly old Saint Nick
(That’s Santa Claus, “not” the Saintly Coach of the Crimson Tide)
As to the “use” of the term
It really depends on where you live
For example: In Chicago, shouting “Ho-Ho-Ho!”
Has an entirely different meaning
THE BOWL GAMES PART II
Thursday 21 December
Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl
Temple and Florida International
The title of this Bowl game is as confusing as it is disturbing.
What are “they” trying to push here?
A convicted felon on a lawn mower, drinking a Gasparilla?
So the picture of a convicted felon getting all liquored up and mowing down the hedges is a “good idea” for a Bowl game? I don’t get it….
HOOT OWLS 28-24
The Cubic Zirconium Bowl
Gypsum, Nevada
This bowl game is reserved for two teams that shined so brightly when the season began, but proved to be cheap imitations as the season wore on.
Tennessee and Baylor
Friday 22 December
Bahamas Bowl
Alabama Birmingham and Ohio
This bowl pairing seems all wrong to me…..
Shouldn’t a bowl game in the Bahamas have two teams, say like…
The Miami Hurricanes and the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes in the game?
I’m just saying….
BLAZZZZZERS 31-28
Famous Potatoes Bowl
Central Michigan and Wyoming
I would be far more interested in the Bowl game if it was called….
“The Famous Potato Salad Bowl”
Not only is that tasty dish delicious, but the bowl game has a nicer ring to it too.
COWBOY UP! 34-24
The Kenny Rogers Gambler Bowl
Nashville, Tennessee
This bowl game is reserved for two teams that gambled all season long, and had some really bad plastic surgery along the way to where you can’t recognize them.
Brigham Young and California
Saturday 23 December
Birmingham Bowl
Texas Tech and South Florida
Legion Field….
“The Football Capital of the South”
My how I miss that wonderful place…..
NO BULL 41-38
Lockheed Martin Armed Services Bowl
San Diego State and Army
I would watch this game, but Santa is having his yearly “Mission Brief” at the same time.
Sorry….
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 31-21
Dollar General Bowl
Appalachian State and Toledo
What I wouldn’t give to be in Mobile Alabama for Christmas….
Ladd- Peebles Stadium in Mobile is simply incredible.
I need to stop; I’m getting teary eyed
MOUNTAINEERS 38-34
The Preparation H Bowl
Chicago, Illinois
This game is reserved for those two teams that have been a magnificent pain in the backside to their fans, alumni and viewers at home.
Kansas and Oregon State
Sunday 24 December
Hawaii Bowl
Fresno State and Houston
With all the changing bowl games, venues and sponsorships I was a bit surprised that this game is now being held in Las Cruces, New Mexico.
MAJOR’S COUGARS 34-31
Tuesday 26 December
Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl
Utah and West Virginia
I can’t wait to return to Dallas again….
I love that town
Sadly that won’t be until next year due to some statute of limitations thingy that happened on the Dallas West End.
Miley Cyrus can dance around naked with some power tools and a wrecking ball but just try that at Hooter’s and see what happens.
Forget I mentioned it….
MOUNTAINEERS 34-17
Quicklane Bowl
Duke and Northern Illinois
I’m sorry, a what?
“Quick Lane”
Since when does an express lane at the grocery store get its own bowl game?
This is just stupid….
SOMEBODY 28-24
Cactus Bowl
Kansas State and UCLA
I’m not quite sure…….
But I “think” this bowl game maybe named after a woman I dated once.
You couldn’t get close to her without getting a scar of some kind
She wasn’t a good conversationalist…..
Always smelled funny…
Couldn’t take her anywhere and she never wanted to go out….
Gosh I miss her
BILL’S CATS 31-24
Quang Chang Do Dang Chinese Bowl
San Francisco, California
I was going to pick this game, but after seeing the advertisement for the Bowl, I could have sworn I saw a flea collar in the Shrimp Fried Rice, so no…
Next Week….
Next week we will have the remainder of the Bowl Picks, along with the Picks for the Playoffs, to include James Madison and North Dakota State.
And as you have come to expect….
Leading up to Christmas you will have some of your favorite Christmas stories on this website and on Mikerights.com
So Stay Tuned…
One More Thing….
Whatever you celebrate this holiday season, be good to those around you….
(“Yes” even crazy old Aunt Ellen, that thinks she’s a bird)
And be good to yourselves.
One last thing…..
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD