The First Bowl Picks of 2017

December 14, 2017

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I will apologize in advance for this week’s “2017 Bowl Game Picks Part I”

As you may or may not know….

I am the “Bicycle Elf” this time of the year for the Big Oak Ranch in Alabama

(Don’t make me send you a picture of my pointed ears to prove it)

Each year has its own unique challenges and this happens to be the week the Bicycle Elf is picking up and staging all the bicycles from Santa’s Workshop (K Mart) and separating them and categorizing them at Santa’s Warehouse (The RTR Farm).

(“Yes”, I am running slightly behind schedule this year, don’t remind me)

So, in the meantime….

Enjoy Your Bowl Picks…….

Weekend Rewind….

Let me say this as a statement of fact.

I am the least mechanically inclined male on planet earth, it’s true and I can give references to support that bold claim.

I am reminded of this simple fact as I attempt to type up this week’s extravaganza of College Football Bowl Picks with swollen knuckles and a bloody index finger from putting together “Big Wheels” and some variation of bicycles with training wheels.

In case you were wondering…..

After several hours and five tourette’s attacks and three new cuss words I invented in Hebrew they all were finally put together.

EDITORS NOTE: Just a little note for the fine people that put together the instructions for the assembly of “Big Wheels.” I think you are all from the Devil.


Q: Hi! My name is Timmy and I am six years old.

I am writing you to ask you a question about being an Elf of Bicycles.

How do you like working for Santa Clause?

Thank you and Merry Christmas

Timmy – Franklin, Tennessee

A: Thank you for the wonderful email Timmy, I really appreciate it.

The pay isn’t that great, but at least the experiment to outsource Elf jobs to Pakistan never panned out after complaints from parents in Houston Texas when all their children got miniature Slushy machines for Christmas one year.

The Elf Health plan sucks thanks to you know damn who and we no longer have a 401K plan due to some stock that took a tumble in 2014.

Mrs. Claus isn’t too bad to work around when she isn’t in a rage with her menopause and I typically hang out down at the reindeer barn when I am not working. And I will tell you something else, that Rudolph is a laugh a minute and the best practical joker I have ever been around.

Rudy will sneak up on an Elf putting something together in Santa’s Workshop and ask…

“You need a light?”

Then he will blaze that red nose of his ON and scare the hell out of the Elf!

Don’t get me started about him “Cold Nosing” someone!

I am taller than any of the other Elves, so there is that.

So it’s not too bad, at least we Elves haven’t gone union yet.


Friday 15 December

The Playoffs…..

Mount Union at Mary Hardin Baylor
I have on good authority that Mary is, how should I put this….
So I am going with…..

Sam Houston State at North Dakota State
The Bison are hitting their stride and the “Fargo Dome” is one of the toughest venues to play in all of college football. You know who I am picking here….

Saturday 16 December

The Celebration Bowl
Grambling and North Carolina A&T
I think Cool and the Gang said it best…..
“We are going to celebrate and have a good time”
(Great now that damn song is stuck in my head)
TIGERS 28-17

R & L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Troy and North Texas State
Why don’t they just call this the “New Orleans Bowl” and be done with it…
Have a communicable disease as a sponsor seems wrong to me

AutoNation Cure Bowl
Western Kentucky and Georgia State
I’m confused here…..
Are they trying to “cure” us from driving and having automobiles?
Can you drive and cure something, while you are driving?
What are they wanting to cure?
If you drive a pickup truck are you still in the AutoNation?
I just gave myself a headache….

Las Vegas Bowl
Boise State and Oregon
The name of this Bowl game says everything you need to know…..
Which is far better than the earlier name for the Bowl
“The Legalized Prostitution and Gambling Bowl”
I am going “Upset” Here…
BRONCO’S 33-31

Gildan New Mexico Bowl
Marshall and Colorado State
Isn’t a “Gildan” another name for an infected wart?
That’s just disgusting

Raycom Camellia Bowl
Middle Tennessee State and Arkansas State
I think it’s nice that Ray and Camellia have their own Bowl game…
But they don’t need to brag about it

The Playoffs…..

South Dakota State at James Madison
I’ve always been a big fan of the great John Wayne…..
DUKES 31-28

West Florida at Texas A&M Commerce
Little known college football fact……
When “The” Texas A&M University broke the bank to buy Coach Fisher from Florida State last month, they were forced to sell several satellite colleges such as Texas A&M (Commerce). Pending final approval of the sale of Texas A&M (Commerce) to the Chinese, they will be known next year as….
“Pung Chong Chang (Commerce) and they will be affectionately known as the…..
“Fu Dang Po Chung Su Wongs”
Which if my Chinese translation is correct means….
“Monkey who touches rabbit”
(I can hardly wait to see the “new” on field mascot next year)
AGGIES 28-27

Tuesday 19 December

Cheribundi Tart Cherry Boca Raton Bowl
Akron and Florida Atlantic
O.k. I’ll say it……
What in the hell is a “Cheribundi” and a tart cherry, what?
I would be far more intrigued if this Bowl game was called….
“The Rubber Dog Turd Bowl sponsored by Hasbro”
OWL UP 41-21

Wednesday 20 December

DXL Frisco Bowl
Louisiana Tech and Southern Methodist
Is this Bowl game sponsored by a railroad or a tasty corn chip…..
I’m confused

Next Week….

As promised last week…..

Next week we will have the prestigious 2017 CFB Wizard College Football Awards, along with Christmas “Safety Tips”, more Bowl games and other CFB Wizard stocking stuffers to keep you entertained and in the Holiday Spirit.

Leading up to Christmas you will have some of your favorite Christmas stories on this website and on

So Stay Tuned…

One More Thing….

Speaking of….

I have one of my favorite Christmas stories on the site from last year entitled “Tommy” that I hope you will truly enjoy.

It’s time for the Bicycle Elf to “Roll”, more later….

Happy Hanukkah My Friends



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