Ladies and Gentlemen –
Yes my friends, its October and we are halfway through the college football season.
It’s also time for all the exciting rivalry games in the Big Ten (Twenty four…whatever) Conference! This week….
(Wait for it)
We have the game for the “Freedom Trophy”!
EDITORS NOTE: Who doesn’t love Freedom?
Then we have “The” instate rivalry game for the “Paul Bunyan Trophy”!
I’m giddy with excitement, so let’s get started!
Enjoy……
Weekend Rewind….
Week five (5) of the college football season started out well enough……
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator delivered your “Upset Special” with Washington State over Southern California and then……
The wheels came off…….
Well sort of…..
The CFB Wizard was a rather dismal 44 and 7 or 86% but to make matters worse…
My Black Lab “Doc” is still depressed over the Mississippi State – Auburn game “Upset” pick he made.
Even a trip to Dairy Queen didn’t help his general demeanor.
To be honest…..
I haven’t seen him this upset since I told him all the “Lassie” shows on TV Land were reruns.
Thus far the 2017 College Football season we stand at 220 and 33 or 87%; all things considered, it’s not too bad.
As you have come to expect, my good friend from Birmingham, Alabama Jermaine “Funnymaine” Johnson has his own unique perspective on last week’s games.
I do however respectfully disagree with my friend on one observation….
Alabama did not “run it up” against Ole Miss on Saturday
It wasn’t Alabama’s fault they couldn’t stop the fifth string offense
But that aside…..
Enjoy his video update.
I Love this guy….
Enjoy…..
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
ALABAMA: This past week, legendary Coach Gene Stallings had a heart attack…..
He is currently resting comfortably at home.
I Love you Coach
I’m Praying for You
MISSOURI: Traditions are apart of the rich pageantry of college football…..
Some traditions just “happen” like the Iowa Hawkeyes recently started of “waving” to the Children’s Hospital between the first and second quarter of every home game.
It’s beautiful….
Other traditions are borne from adversity…..
Take for example the Missouri Tigers…..
They have taken a rather dyslexic view of the West Virginia Mountaineer tradition of burning their couches after every “win” to burning the Port-o-John’s around the stadium after every loss.
ESPN: I don’t know if any of you readers had the opportunity to see ESPN’s self appointed know it all Todd McShay last weekend. But the once 120 pound self absorbed “expert” on all things football, appears to be pregnant with twins.
Congratulations to Todd and his daddy-mommy or mommy-daddy, whatever.
SEC NETWORK: For those of you prone to “drinking games” while tailgating at the games or in the privacy of your own homes, I have a warning for you.
Please take note……
DO NOT PLAY THIS DRINKING GAME!
If during any ESPN telecast that Jesse Palmer is “commentating” do not take a drink every time he says “Trick-er-ation”, nor should you play the same game with any SEC Network telecast with Jordan “My Brother Plays for the Green Bay Packers” Rogers when he says “Physicality”.
IF you play this game I want to assure you that you will be drunker than “Damn It” by the end of the first quarter and miss whatever game you were prepared to watch that day.
You are Welcome America
LOUISVILLE: I know, I know its Basketball, but it’s still funny
OLE MISS: Unfortunately there were no “Hail Mary’s” in this game to save the day…..
It was just an old fashioned ass kicking
But if it makes you Foam Rubber Black Bear Rebel Fans feel better
I do have a “Proud Mary” for you….
Who doesn’t love Tina Turner?
I hope this helps
LSU: Hundreds of Tiger fans have written me this week asking…..
What the Hell was Coach O thinking last week?
I think this explains everything….
LSU PART DEAUX: I think this sums up your problem Tiger fans…..
Think about it….
COMMERCIAL OF THE WEEK
I had no idea this was a damn problem in America
But this is disgusting
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Told you so……
You are Welcome
MISSISSIPPI STATE: Although “Doc” and I are officially off the Bulldog Bandwagon
(Please note neither of us hurt ourselves jumping off said bandwagon)
But in the future when “Doc” and I “Pick” you to “win”
Please, help our collective average by obliging us with a victory
Thank you
But in the meantime
You need more Cow Bell
TENNESSEE: Sooner or later it was bound to happen….
You can’t hardly turn the television on or read a newspaper without some “celebrity” taking a naked picture of themselves and putting it on social media for the world to see.
So it’s no wonder that this same behavior would take place at the University of Tennessee with the most talked about addition to their football program.
I’m talking about (of course) the Tennessee Volunteer “HTB Trashcan”
Apparently he too has gotten into the act of texting “nude selfies”
WARNING: This is a NUDE Picture of the Tennessee “HTB Trashcan”
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Dear Mister Wizard
This past weekend my family and I drove from Mississippi to take in our first ever Ole Miss – Alabama Football game. I have to say I think “you people” take your football a little too seriously in Alabama.
Does everyone in Alabama take their football that seriously?
Thanks
The Jennings Family – Oxford, Mississippi
A: This was the actual sign on the Methodist Church for game day located on Bryant Avenue, so I will respond with…
You Think?
Q: Dear MR. CFB Wizard
First I want to say we LOVE your weekly picks and look forward to them each and every week. Secondly we LOVE your book “Sunnyside Up” and hope it is selling well.
My favorite story is about “Taco Tuesday” and I can’t tell you how much I have laughed over that one. But I have to ask, do you still enjoy “Taco Tuesday’s”
Thanks again and keep the picks coming!
Williams Family – Mobile, Alabama
A: Thank you so much for the kind and considerate email, I truly appreciate it.
I currently live in rural Tennessee (I Know….)
And any attempt to find decent food of any sort is difficult at best and virtually impossible when given the choices available. So sadly the “Taco Tuesday” days are gone forever I fear.
However being a “Semi-Famous” author I have upped my game if you will….
Q: DearMizzerColligeFootballman
I aintbeendoin sa good down heresin BAtonRouge enI thinkIgot a salution for disproblem I mek. I’mma thinkinI just packma bagsupan head fo Knoxvulle causedey seemlike dey lookinfer a hetcoahch upin da Rocky Top too.
Seediswut ahmthankin ratcheer. I beena hellubalot betta intrim coahch dan ahbenna good hetcoahch soif’n da Voluntirs decida far da BootchJones fella tellum ta jescall me an I’ll come on updair an be dair coahch fer da res a dah seahsin.
Whatchu tink boutdat plan Collige Man?
EdOrgerin
EllEshYou Heahd futball coahch
A: I will get back with you, just as soon as I find my gibberish dictionary
Q: Dear Sir
Although I know that you’re a Alabama alumni, I’ve always felt like you have been very generous of your assessments of Tennessee Football.
You’re not like the rest of the media with their fake stories and news and things like that. I mean, I said last week that this has been some of the best Volunteer Football that you’ve probably seen in the last 20 years.
While I know that you probably don’t watch much Volunteer football, then, that means that statement was probably factually correct. And let me tell you what, before anyone says ANYTHING about the Georgia game.
Believe it or not, we were only 6 or 7 plays away from beating them!!! I mean, those 6 or 7 plays ended up with them getting about 41 points, but, if it wasn’t for those key plays, we’re a winner! So, you can encourage people to be negative or you can tell the truth.
But, the simple truth is this. We’re undefeated in our hearts.
Go Vols!!!
Butch Jones
Head Coach
Tennessee Volunteers
A: I’m with you coach….
Go VOWELS
THE GAMES
Wednesday 4 October
Arkansas State at Georgia Southern
I have never been more sure of anything in my life….
RED WOLVES 43-25
Thursday 5 October
Louisville at North Carolina State
It’s going to be close…..
Really Close
BOBBY’S BIRDS 41-38
Friday 6 October
Memphis at Connecticut
The Tigers are one of the teams I can’t seem to get right this year…..
That changes Tonight
(I hope…)
ELVIS’S TIGERS 34-28
Boise State at Brigham Young
Things are so bad at Brigham Young…..
I haven’t even seen anybody riding bicycles wearing ties lately
(That’s just an observation)
BRONCO’S 41-24
Saturday 7 October
Wake Forest at Clemson
Someone called me the other night from Durham North Carolina saying….
“The Demon Deacons are going to upset Clemson!”
(This was followed by some whopping and hollering)
Celebrate while you can, I always say…..
DABO’S TIGERS 41-17
West Alabama at Delta State
I know the Boy’s from West Alabama have a fine football team…..
But I don’t want to anger the Okra
FEAR THE OKRA 34-28
Iowa State at Oklahoma
The Cyclones won’t generate enough wind in this game to be classified as a decent crawfish fart. Believe it….
BOOMER DAMN SOONER 44-14
Hamline at St. Olaf
Much like M. C. Hammer, the greatest urban philosopher of the 1990’s once said…..
“It’s Hammy Time”
HAMMY TIME 31-14
Penn State at Northwestern
This game is going to be uglier than dollar steak night at the nursing home…
NITTANY LIONS 49-10
Harvard at Cornell
Nope, I don’t care and neither should you
Bye Week at Tennessee
You can never overlook the mighty Bye’s when they come to Rocky Top….
I fear this isn’t going to end well
BYE-BYE 41-0
Georgia at Vanderbilt
Don’t get me wrong….
I love Lionel Richie and the Commodores….
But these Dogs are a “Brick House and they are mighty-mighty letting it all hang out”
(I know that song is in your head now and you are welcome)
SMART DAWGS 38-10
Harding at Ouachita Baptist
I’m afraid my Baptist will be getting re-Baptized this Saturday….
Don’t forget to hold your breath…
HARD MAN 34-28
Ole Miss at Auburn
Let’s get straight to the point….
The Foam Rubber Black Bear Rebels will last about as long as a squeaky tennis ball does with My Black Lab “Doc” and in case you were wondering, that would be 1.5 seconds.
WAR DAMN EAGLES 49-10
Illinois at Iowa
This old Big Ten (Sixteen?) Conference rivalry is played for the coveted…
“Dr Seuss Spam I am Bowl sponsored by Armor Meat Products”
After all who doesn’t love Spam?
HAWKEYES 34-14
Texas Tech at Kansas
I am convinced the Jayhawks of Kansas couldn’t beat two midgets and a sock monkey….
Which oddly enough is exactly who they invited to play them at homecoming next week.
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 51-6
North Dakota State at Indiana State
It’s going to be close Bison Fans….
MIGHTY BISON 34-31
Duke at Virginia
I don’t really care, but whatever….
CAVALIERS 21-17
Pittsburgh at Syracuse
(See Above)
PANTHERS 28-24
Mercer at The Citadel
Either “Doc” wants a treat or he wants me to pick…..
(I think its both)
CAROLINA DOGS 33-17
Furman at Chattanooga
I can appreciate that Chewbacca made all that money on the “Star Wars” movie franchise
But to have his “own” college?
That’s ridiculous
MIGHTY MOCS 34-17
Central Michigan at Ohio
I believe in Coach Frank…..
FRANK’S CATS 34-31
West Virginia at Texas Christian
This is going to be a shoot-out…..
“Doc” said go with the “Horned Dogs” in this one…
(I didn’t have the heart to correct him)
HORNED “DOGS” 41-38
Miami at Florida State
Ironically there is yet another Hurricane brewing in the Gulf of Mexico….
I take that as a sign….
HURRICANES 34-24
Notre Dame at North Carolina
The Tar Heels lost two weeks ago to Duke….
Enough said….
FIGHTING IRISH 33-17
LSU at Florida
It’s like LSU’s Coach “O” said this week in preparations for the game…
“Shama Lama Ding Dong Gonna Foots Ball at Da Shama Lama Gators”
Whatever….
MIGHTY GATORS 28-17.
Minnesota at Purdue
Another of the Big Ten (Whatever…) Conference rivalry games….
(These games are SO exciting!)
This one is played for the “Purdue Sphincter Cannon”
Please note…..
Don’t get behind that thing when it discharges…
Just saying….
BOILERMAKERS 34-28
Air Force at Navy
No disrespect to my beloved Air Force brethren….
This is just business….
MIDSHIPMEN 34-28
Portland State at Montana State
I still believe in the Big Sky Country Cats….
BIG CATS 34-33
Yale at Dartmouth
I would rather stare at an empty fish bowl for three hours than watch this game…
Charleston Southern at Indiana
It must be “Homecoming” in the distant mythical land of Hoosier…
Whatever the Hell that means…
HOOSIERS 41-21
Maryland at Ohio State
I don’t have the words to say how ugly this is going to be….
BUCKEYES 55-17
Oregon State at Southern California
It’s sort of like what Mr. Clever said to Wally on one episode of “Leave it to Beaver”
“You’ve been a little hard on the Beaver lately”
Enough said…..
TROJANS 44-14
Arkansas at South Carolina
It’s going to be close……
GAMECOCKS 28-17
Marshall at Charlotte
Poor Charlotte…..
Getting run over by a Thundering Herd…..
It’s sad really
WE ARE MARSHALL 38-17
Army at Rice
I can’t believe I am making this pick….
I’m not even drinking (yet)
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 34-17
Southern Methodist at Houston
I hate to pick against my beloved Ponies….
I really do…
MAJOR’S COUGARS 34-24
Kansas State at Texas
Please don’t make me invent swear words this weekend….
Thank you
LONGHORNS 28-17
Baylor at Bye Week
I’m afraid the Bears are over matched by the Bye’s this weekend….
Sorry…
(But not really)
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 44-0
Southern Miss at Texas San Antonio
I haven’t gotten a single game correct with the folks from Hattiesburg all season….
Come on….
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-28
Alabama at Texas A&M
Despite what you may read….
This game is going to be closer than what you might think
CRIMSON TIDE 34-17
Virginia Tech at Boston College
These Hokies are NO Turkeys…..
Believe it
HOKEY POKEY 34-14
Michigan State at Michigan
This big instate rivalry near the Arctic Circle is played for the always coveted…
“Paul Bunyan Trophy”
I can’t help but wonder how the ax got planted that close to the guy without hitting him in his private business. It’s a reasonable question.
Never mind….
WOLVERINES 33-24
Missouri at Kentucky
I wish I cared but I don’t…
Sorry….
BLUE CATS 34-31
Valdosta State at West Georgia
I think the Blazers need to go to “The Men’s Warehouse” for another fitting…
If you know what I mean…
FIRE ANTS 41-28
Arkansas Tech at Arkansas Monticello
Go Bo…..
Go Bo……
BO WEEVILLS 34-31
Wisconsin at Nebraska
Who doesn’t love freedom?
(Well unless you are some Islamic knucklehead)
But other than that….
Here you go…
This game is played for the “Freedom Trophy”
MEN OF CHEESEE 38-14
Washington State at Oregon
I still believe in the diabolical Pirate Mike…..
MIKE’S CATS 38-34
Central Florida at Cincinnati
I no longer have any faith in the Bear of Cats from Gold Star Chili Town
Sorry…
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN KNIGHTS 41-24
Arizona at Colorado
I don’t know about you…..
But when Wynonna Judd leads the Buffalos onto the filed before the game….
I often wonder….
How did they find those shoes to fit her hoofs?
BUFFALOS 38-34
Carson Newman at Limestone
In honor of the late great Coach Ken Sparks…..
SPARK’S EAGLES 44-38
Florida Tech at North Alabama
My once proud Florence Lions are playing like kitty cats….
I still believe (Sort of…)
FLORENCE LIONS 31-28
Stanford at Utah
This one is a toss up…..
It could go either way
Believe it
CARDINAL 34-31
California at Washington
My Black Lab “Doc” was rather insistent about this pick…..
HUSKIES 38-21
San Diego State at UNLV
This is best game on television at 0200 Eastern Standard Time….
And as a side note….
“IF” you are still awake to watch this game then you are clearly an amateur tailgater
Just saying…
AZTECS 44-24
Next Week….
Your Week 7 College Football Picks will be on the wire next Thursday and “Doc” and I will try and get a few other things out on the wire to keep you going throughout the week.
However it’s worth noting that Doc pointed out that I have been woefully deficient in performing my CFB Wizard duties as of late and I intend to rectify those deficiencies this week.
To include competing a “new” story on Mikerights.com for next week’s edition.
So Stay Tuned…
One More Thing….
Thank you all (again) for reading The CFB Wizard and Mikerights.com
On behalf of My Black Lab “Doc” and Myself….
We truly appreciate it.
Be good to yourself and to those around you this week and enjoy your weekend…
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD