College Football Picks Week 5

September 28, 2017

Ladies and Gentlemen –

You may not be aware of this….

But tomorrow is St. Michaels Day

(Before you ask….”NO”, it is not named after me, I assure you.)

I mention this day because along with the usual content that you have come to enjoy, I have a commentary for you today, that I hope will give you a moment to pause and think and remember.

Let’s get to it…..


Weekend Rewind….

One of my many faults (And I have a lot of them)…..

Is that I have moments when I don’t pay as close attention as I should….

And just to be clear, I was in fact distracted talking with My Black Lab “Doc” when I mistakenly used the Preparation H instead of my toothpaste.

But in all honesty my smile has never been brighter, even if my breath smelt like crap.

But that’s not what I am referring to here.

During last week’s prognostication I mistakenly thought “Doc” had referenced the “Bully” Dogs in the Mississippi State – Georgia game, when in actuality he had belched.

I apologize to the UGA Bulldog Nation for my egregious error.

Also too, “Doc” insisted I take Texas Christian last week, even though I didn’t….

He was under the misunderstanding that I had said “Horned Dogs” instead of “Horned Frogs”. I should have been paying more attention to him last week.

That being said Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 40 and 10 last week or 80%. Overall for the 2017 season The CFB Wizard is 220 and 33 or 87%.

I would be remiss if I didn’t “Thank” the following teams for screwing up my average last week:

ARMY: I don’t blame you; I have no idea what the hell I was thinking….

NORTH CAROLINA: You lost to Duke…..Enough said

CARSON NEWMAN: Damn it, just damn it…..

MARYLAND: Now I remember why I hated the Ninja Turtles, thanks

My good friend from Birmingham, Alabama Jermaine “Funnymaine” Johnson has his unique perspective on last week’s games. I love this guy, he makes me laugh.



OKLAHOMA STATE: Cowboy down…

KENTUCKY: I read an article last week by a thirty something reporter from “Kentucky Sports Radio”, who stated:

“As long as I’ve been alive there has NEVER been this kind of excitement over Kentucky football!

EDITORS NOTE: You are “maybe” thirty years old, that’s not saying much…


ESPN: Last week the Walter Camp Football Foundation presented ESPN’s Coach Lee Corso with their award for 2017 “Distinguished American” for his contribution to college football.

Speaking for college football fans everywhere…..

You deserve it Coach…..

College Football Game Day Saturday’s wouldn’t be the same without you.

ESPN PART II: One the topic of ESPN…..

In the era of knucklehead 100 pound bleach blonde women in their 20’s “attempting” to talk about college football, it’s comforting to know that we still have the beautiful and knowledgeable Holly Rowe.

Holly gave more insight into the Mississippi State – Georgia game in five minutes than twenty talking heads did all morning.

She is still recovering from cancer, which goes to show how damn tough she really is..

And might I say…..

She isn’t hard to look at either.


Much like you, about all I’ve heard this week is “Fire” this Coach and “Fire” that Coach!

Let’s be honest with each other here, shall we?

Many in the Gator Nation want to “Fire” Coach Mac……

Here’s a tip for you….

He has the same SEC record that Coach (Saint) Steve had when he was at Florida during the same time frame. I know what you are saying…..


Butt nothing, be quiet and let the man do his job.

Razorback fans are up in arms because “their” team isn’t doing well and the coach has a 15 million dollar buyout clause.

You will never win a National Championship…..

That’s right you heard it hear first so why not let the man coach?

He wants to win, believe me he does….So get out of his way.

Texas A&M Aggies……

(See Arkansas Above)

My Beloved LSU Tigers…..

The Athletic Director in Tiger Land fired Coach Les Miles…..

He was only took them to two National Championship Title games…

Winning one….

While posting one of the best records in LSU History in the process…..

Now you got Coach “O”……..Noooooooooooooooooo

How’s that working out so far?

Then there are the Tennessee Volunteer Fans……

You will get your wish and Coach Jones will be gone this year.

I hope you will be happy with Coach Bobby Petrino from Louisville

Because he is on his way….

(Hide the interns and take his motorcycle keys away from him, I’m just saying)

What am I saying here?

Too many fans, alumni and others have unrealistic expectations…..

That’s right I said it…..

Some people wanted to “Fire” Coach Mason at Vanderbilt halfway through the season last year, seriously?

Did Ole Miss really think they would win a National Championship with Mr. Freeze?

The Nebraska Cornhuskers……

You did that too yourself when you fired Coach Frank and hired Bill Callahan….

Now you are riding the lightening for those decisions.

We are only five games into the season, relax…..

It’s no time to panic….

Take a deep breath

Well, unless you are Baylor, then it’s totally time to panic.


On the subject of coach’s

I Miss Coach Lou Holtz on Saturdays

Sure I miss him “always” picking Notre Dame to beat, well, everybody…..

But mostly I miss him getting madder than hell at Mark May in the ESPN studio.

Coach Lou getting really (really) excited and spitting on Mark May….

Good Times…

VANDERBILT: Many of you have emailed me and asked me, “What were the Vanderbilt players doing raising four fingers at the start of the fourth quarter?

The answer is simple my dear readers….

They were ordering two hotdogs and two cokes from the stadium vendors..

TENNESSEE: Coach Jones “may” be under fire…..

But he is still awesome on television game shows…..

LSU: You Tigers dang near choked on your Orange Cupcake last week….

OREGON: Here I go and put my faith in you…..

And much like my Doctor’s recently, you are nothing but a bunch of damn Quacks.

MISSISSIPPI STATE: I will tell you what you already know……

You needed more Cow Bell between the hedges in Athens last week

Bring it this week to Auburn

Here is a little motivation for you

WAKE FOREST: I never thought I would live to see an “Undefeated” Wake team play a winless Seminole team. The world is upside down…..

But on a positive note…..

The Fans and students at Wake are expecting another “huge” turnout for the game, just like they had last week

BAYLOR: I was serious earlier…..

It’s time to stomp on the panic button

MISSOURI: (Please see Baylor Above)

It’s so bad at Missouri that even their mascot had a breakdown last Saturday

CBS SPORTS: I said it last week…..

And I got a ton of hate mail from it….

But I seriously don’t understand the “new” CBS Sports intro video with Jason Aldean

I tried to listen to the stupid song again this past Saturday to try and understand what the hell he was saying…

All I got was something about…..

“A Dream”….

Or maybe it was…..

“Something fell out of my spleen”

It kind of sounded like, “I have a rip in my jeans”

I don’t know

I still don’t get it


Q: Hello Wizard
Yes, I am the Victor and I come to America from Albania.

See picture of the Victor here

I want to be the Rock of Roll singer from Albania

I try and change words to sing “Sweet Home Albania” but it no good

Victor no understand the word and change to make Albanian’s like it.

Muscle of Shoals and Swampers, Victor no understand

Can Wizard help the Victor?

Thank and You

Victor – New York City

A: Victor, please don’t send me another recording of you singing (butchering) my beloved “Sweet Home Alabama”. I mistakenly played it without ear phones and “Doc” howled for half an hour.

Q: Hey Mister Wizard

I have a serious question for you.

My two daughters (ages eight and ten) are REALLY into cheerleading and my husband and I go to numerous competitions each year. We are new to this, so despite their young ages they are always asking me,

“Mommy, what does it take to be a college cheerleader?”

Can you help us Mister Wizard?

The Lipinski Family – Madison, Wisconsin

A: Funny you should ask…..

I assisted a local youngster with his homework just the other day and helped him answer a similar question, I hope this helps.

Q: Dear Sir,

I hope you were paying attention to the Tennessee Volunteers after our great, great victory over the University of Massachusetts. This hard fought victory “should have” propelled us up the polls but apparently, nay-sayers abound among the voters.

Be that as it may, I also wanted to point out, in case you missed it, that this game was also a celebration of our 1967 National  Championship team!!!

Yes, the prestigious Litkenhous National Championship award was presented to the Tennessee Volunteers that year OVER 2 other prestigious programs DESPITE the fact that we had 2 losses!!! It takes courage to present an award like that to a program like ours in spite of the apparent voter bias which is always present when you’re competing against undefeated teams.

With that being said, I don’t think that our Coach, Butch Jones, realized that we were declared ‘Champions of Life’ back in 67 and last years award was not our first. So, keep your eyes open because the Tennessee Volunteers will once again vie for that prestigious award IN SPITE of what our record says!!!

John “Cutie Pie” Currie
Athletic Director
University of Tennessee
Champions of Life ’67, ’16

A: How very proud you must be. Go Vowels

Q: Good Afternoon Mr. CFB Wizard

Let’s say that I’m a hypothetical football coach for a major university and I have a problem that I’m wondering if you’d help me with.

Let’s say that another certain hypothetical coach at a hypothetical school came up with some really cool and catchy slogans and phrases and stuff like that. And, let’s say that every time he did this, the dang media and fans from other hypothetical schools in the conference made fun of him and his team.

I mean, even though they didn’t really amount to much success wise on the football field, they were catchy none the less and the coach’s hypothetical players just loved the imagination. Well, let’s say this hypothetical coach needs another slogan for a big game coming up next weekend.

What would you think of this? Picture a running back wearing red and black with the ball. Picture a hypothetical defensive player wearing orange smashing the running back and knocking the ball loose with his hand and recovering the fumble.

Now, the best part. Picture that defensive player running over to the sideline and celebrating by….. Wait for it…. Wait for it….

Jumping and hoisting himself up on a STRIPPER POLE!!!! He spins and twirls around having a good ole time, the fans go crazy, and the whole stadium is totally motivated!!!

Get it? Strip the ball… Stripper pole???? So, what do you think Mr. Wizard? Have I found the totally most AWESOME gimmick imaginable for our next game? I told everybody after that last game that I was going to work hard and danged if I haven’t!!!

Utch-Bay Ones-Jay
Ennessee-Tay Olunteers-Vay

A: I didn’t think it was possible. But I’m speechless.


Before we get to this week’s games and prognostications for Saint Michaels Day

I have been compelled to give a brief commentary on an issue that has affected us all

As you know by now I typically try and stay out of “politics”

I may write about the “politics” of “politics” but I steer clear of touchy subjects such as that on a College Football Website, because you don’t come here for that kind of tripe.

After all, you can’t read a newspaper, or turn on any television program now, unless it’s my beloved Turner Classic Movies, without being bombarded with “politics”.

But after receiving nearly two thousand emails on this subject, I will respond.

Much like you I have seen the images on television of “professional” athletes and entertainers setting down, taking a knee or failing to show up for the National Anthem.

We have seen billionaire owners of said “professional” teams and others do the same.

As most of you know by now I am not too smart. So let me be sure I have this correct.

When all this shenanigans was done last year by some “professional” athletes it was to draw attention to Black Lives Matter and how horrible the police are to people of color, right?

Now “they” say it’s to “raise awareness” of racism in the United States

Many are now performing this “act of disobedience” to protest the President of the United States and his “opinion” on this particular issue.

Gosh the myriad of reasons associated with this tomfoolery are hard to keep up with, aren’t they?

So let me say this, to the entertainers, celebrities and “professional” athletes that conduct themselves in the “protest” or whatever the hell they want to call it.

You have the absolute right to conduct yourself as such.

Just like I have the right to no longer watch your sports, your television shows or purchase the sponsors products that are subsidizing this cowardice.

Yes, I said cowardice

You can call it a “protest”

I call it disrespect

The news media said this week that……

“The picture of Dallas Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones kneeling with his players before the recent Cowboy’s game was a powerful iconic imagine that we won’t soon forget.”

I have a “powerful” image for you too that I hope you won’t soon forget.

I mentioned Saint Michaels Day earlier for a reason…..

On this Saint Michaels Day eleven years ago in Ramadi, Iraq…..

Petty Officer Michael Monsoor with no regard for his life jumped on an enemy hand grenade to save the lives of three of his Navy SEAL teammates and lost his life in the process.

Because of people like Petty Officer Michael Monsoor and millions of others

Those athletes, entertainers and celebrities have the “right” to be disrespectful

Because of people like Petty Officer Michael Monsoor and millions of others

Remember that…..


Thursday 28 September

Texas at Iowa State
I’m not feeling too good about this pick….
So you know…

Friday 29 September

Miami at Duke
You know we live in an alternative universe when both Wake Forest and Duke are undefeated. But need I remind you, it’s still Hurricane season….

Nebraska at Illinois
I hate to say this……
But this game may very well be closer than this…
Way Closer…

Brigham Young at Utah State
Another installment of…
“The Battle of the Brothers” in the Land of Donny and Marie….
It’s going to be close

Southern California at Washington State
You read it here first…..

Dartmouth at Princeton
Nope, don’t care….
Not even a little bit

Saturday 30 September

Northwestern at Wisconsin
Not even close…..

South Florida at East Carolina
Coach Charlie has the Boy’s from Tampa….
Strong like the….
BULL 33-28

Missouri State at North Dakota State
The Bison are starting to look like a Championship team….

Vanderbilt at Florida
Another close one in the swamp…..

Citadel at Samford
My Black Lab “Doc” doesn’t have a pick in this one…
He say’s it’s
It’s Dog eat Dog….

Houston at Temple
Coach Major Applewhite is the real deal…
Believe it

New Mexico State at Arkansas
I was going to say…..
The Hogs rebound this week….
But I thought that sounded weird.
HAWGS 38-14

Maryland at Minnesota
I cannot believe I am picking the damn Ninja Turtles (Again)
It’s probably due to me right ear bleeding from “The Victor’s” butchered song…

Western Carolina at Chattanooga
I’m still not entirely sure what a “catamount” is…..
But it sounds like something awfully naughty is going on behind the taxidermy shop
That’s all I’m saying..

Rice at Pittsburgh
I love the Texas Rice Festival…..
Rice Pudding….
Rice Cakes….
The football team, not so much

North Carolina at Georgia Tech
The Tar Heels lost to Duke last week….
Enough said…

Syracuse at North Carolina State
“Doc” said go with the Big Dogs in this one….

Central Michigan at Boston College
I am still leaning on “Upset” here…..
It’s going to be close

Indiana at Penn State
Hoosier Daddy?

Georgia at Tennessee
I don’t have to tell you what My Black Lab “Doc” picked here do I?
I didn’t think so…

Murray State at Louisville
If you are a big fan of massacres then you will love this game….

Florida State at Wake Forest
I hope Wake enjoyed their “big” winning streak….
It ends today….

Ohio at Massachusetts
The minutemen looked good for a minute last week….
Reality Check this week….

Baylor at Kansas State
I was going to write…..
“The misery continues this week in Waco..”
But I didn’t want anyone to think I was referring to the Chicken Shack just off campus
To the best of my knowledge they passed their last health inspection

Navy at Tulsa
The United States Navy can sail through any hurricane….
Golden or otherwise….

Connecticut at Southern Methodist
I know that “Doc” is favoring the Huskies here…..
But I have to go with..

Arizona State at Stanford
There is a universal truth when driving anywhere that’s important to remember
It’s the power of the expression….
It’s the power of the bird….

Eastern Michigan at Kentucky
One more “win” and the Wildcats will be in first place in the Mid-American Conference!

Iowa at Michigan State
This Old Big Ten or (Whatever) Conference rivalry is played each year for the coveted…
“Bandoleer of Corn Dogs”
Although it looks rather odd, It’s quite tasty.

Weber State at Montana State
I love my Weber grill…..
The football team, not feeling it…

Miami (OH) at Notre Dame
This is the perfect game to take a nap too before the night games come on….
(One has to be refreshed before their game, I’m just saying)

Mississippi State at Auburn
I wouldn’t call this one an “Upset”……
But it’s sure going to upset a lot of people on the plains

Troy at LSU
Poor Troy……
This won’t be pretty…

Marshall at Cincinnati
This one could easily go either way…..
But I’m picking…

North Texas at Southern Miss
Despite the poor start…..
I still believe

Catawba at Carson Newman
I’m serious Coach Sparks…..
Let’s do this…

North Alabama at West Georgia
This game will come down to the last possession…
Believe it

Air Force at New Mexico
Doesn’t the United States Air Force have a bombing range in New Mexico?
I thought so…

Memphis at Central Florida
I haven’t gotten either of these teams right all year…
It’s time to consult “Doc”….
He’s an Elvis Man….

Arkansas Monticello at Harding
That Harding Boy is tougher than woodpecker lips…

Ohio State at Rutgers
The Scarlett Knights will last about as long in this game as a Nutty Buddy will at a Weight Watchers meeting.

South Carolina at Texas A&M
I am leaning towards the Gamecocks in this one……
It’s going to be close…

Clemson at Virginia Tech
This may very well be the “Upset” of the Week….
But I still have to go with…..

Delta State at Mississippi College
Three very simple words to remember as we go about our daily lives…

Washington at Oregon State
When I asked “Doc” what he thought about the Beavers and the Dogs, he just turned his head like I made a funny farting noise. I take that as a sign….

Oklahoma State at Texas Tech
I find the lack of defense in this game to be offensive…
COWBOY UP! 54-51

Ole Miss at Alabama
Hey Ole Miss, remember that “two” game win streak against Alabama?
Me either..

Colorado at UCLA
These two teams are evenly matched…..
It’s going to come down to the fourth quarter
Believe it

California at Oregon
Trying to pick this game…
Is like trying to decide who to pull for in a War between North Korea and Iran.

Colorado State at Hawaii
Too many pundits talk today about the “travel” of teams and the adverse affect the time zones have on college football teams and their performance in the games.
Yeah like they just “invented” the time zones…..

Ouachita Baptist at Arkansas Tech
This game will be close (Real Close)
But we Baptist have to stick together…

Next Week….

Your Week 6 College Football Picks will be on the wire next Thursday along with what I hope will be several other tidbits to keep you motivated and in the case of Baylor fans, to prevent them from swimming laps around the pool of anxiety.

Also as promised, you will have a “new” story on next week

So Stay Tuned…

One More Thing….

Thank you all for reading The CFB Wizard and

On behalf of “Doc” and I we appreciate it.

Be good to yourself and to one another this week and enjoy your weekend…



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