College Football Picks (For Real) Week 1

August 31, 2017
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

If last week constituted an appetizer to the upcoming college football season, then this week’s schedule most certainly is the main menu.

Editors Note: “Yes” I admit it, last weekend I actually set down and watched the College of Cosmetology of greater Omaha play Winkler’s Pet Grooming Academy from St. Joseph’s Missouri. Before you judge me…..

Those big ole gals from Omaha can play, that’s all I’m saying.

Enjoy Your Picks…

A WORD FROM THE CFB WIZARD

As the “real” kickoff of the college football season looms, it’s important to note that there are thousands and thousands and thousands of our fellow college football enthusiast in the great Republic of Texas that are trying to survive and rebuild during the worst Hurricane to ever hit the Texas Gulf Coast.

Please keep them in your thoughts and Prayers

In any tough time, I always hear Coach Bryant’s voice drift out of my memories and into my conscience thoughts and I hear it now as if I heard it yesterday and I share it with you now.

“I have always tried to teach my players to be fighters. When I say that, I don’t mean put up your dukes and get in a fistfight over something. I’m talking about facing adversity in your life. There is not a person alive who isn’t going to have some awfully bad days in their lives. I tell my players that what I mean by fighting is when your house burns down, and your wife runs off with the drummer, and you’ve lost your job and all the odds are against you. What are you going to do? Just throw in and quit? Well, I want my people to fight back.”

Amen Coach….

Keep Fighting the Good Fight My Texas Brothers and Sisters…..

Keep Fighting

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard

What are your goals and aspirations for this coming college football season?

Thank you

Mandy – Waycross, Georgia

A: My goals and aspirations are the same every year Mandy….

To be as a good a man as My Black Lab “Doc” thinks I am.

Q: Hey Mister Football Wizard!

I know this may sound like a crazy question, but “if” we (Indiana) beat Ohio State this weekend, I think the Hoosier’s have a real chance of winning the Big Ten Championship and who knows “if” we win the conference championship we might even win the National Championship!

What do you think?

Hoosier Football Crazy!

Ted – Bloomington, Indiana

A: Ted, I suppose anything is “possible”

But I would say the Hoosiers of Indiana have about the same chance of beating Ohio State and winning the conference championship as I do of marrying a deaf mute super model who owns her own chain liquor stores.

Q: Hey there Baby….

Somebody sent me the link to your college football website and I saw it….

Thanks for the “shout out” last week and promoting my “new” show here in the Big Easy of New Orleans!!

I don’t know what’s you look like, but I heard you are a “Traffic Ticket”

Cause you is Fine!

Come see us down here….

You can be my guest at the “Big Butt Review Burlesque Show”

Venus Uranus – New Orleans, Louisiana

A: I have to be more careful when I write something I think is cleaver…

I really do…

Q: What the Hell happened to us last week Mister Wizard??

Did you see the Oregon State Beavers get run over, battered and bruised last Saturday?

By damn Colorado State no less!

It was horrible! I have never seen my beloved Beavers more battered and bruised!!

My Oregon State team’s season has already gone into the toilet.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Pete – Portland, Oregon

A: Let me bring a little sunshine into your darkness Pete

Look at it this way….

“IF” the game would have been a “Dance Off” you probably would have won…

Q: Hey there White Devil!!!
I’m Jerome T Lincoln, the local Black Lives Matter leader and I want you to know something. We BLMers don’t pass on nothing discriminatory and just want you to know that your times coming.

But it’s also coming for Grambling State University!!!
Can you believe they went out and got them a WHITE girls soccer coach???

And obviously, you know what he did. He went out and recruited him an almost ALL white girls soccer team!!! Well, we ain’t gone be standin for that!!! I know you gone say that most black folks don’t give a dang about no soccer but you cain’t tell me that Grambling University couldn’t have found them 10 or 15 black girls in this whole country that could kick a dang ball in a net!!!

So, mark this on your calender White Supremacist HATER!!! On September 1st Grambling is playing Nichols State at home and you’re going to see the biggest turnout of discontented folks on the planet protesting this dang RACIST soccer team!!!

I know there’s not a lot of folks down in Mississippi who are with the cause but it’s okay. We’re paying folks from New York, New Jersey, Illinois, California and all over the place to come protest. I’ll bet there’ll be over 3 or 4 dozen so WATCH OUT!!!
 
Jerome T. Lincoln
Black Lives Matter
Seattle Washington

A: I wouldn’t get too worked up if I was you sir….

“IF” soccer was a “real” sport then Frenchmen wouldn’t be able to play it

THE GAMES

Thursday 24 August

EDITORS NOTE: Although I included the Thursday night games on last week’s picks, due to an oversight of The CFB Wizard Staff, we omitted some of the more titanic clashes this evening from teams competing in the league of online universities.

Please accept our humble apologizes.

Full Sail University (FSU) Sails at the DeVry University Devils
If you ask me….
I think the Devils are going to kick the sheets out of the Sails
DEVILS 56-3

Capella University A’ Cappella’s at Strayer University Stray Dogs
My Black Lab “Doc” says….
Go with the Dogs in this one
DOGS 28-17

EDITORS NOTE: Personally I think Doc chose the Dogs because he thought A’ Cappella’s was a type of a squirrel. Which he hates…

Kaplan University Kotter’s at Phoenix Online Firebirds
The Firebirds are looking to repeat as Champions of the Online Geek League this year…
They are loaded with talent in noted Chinese cyber hackers Chin Wang Dang and Fu Chow Dung who can hack and slice into any team’s defense.
They should make easy work of the Kotter’s in this one.
FIREBIRDS 179-3

Friday 1 September

Fordham at Army
The Great Vince Lombardi played at Fordham and during that time they were a force….
The Force is No Longer With Them….
Sorry Luke….
(Yes that was a Star War’s reference, in case you were wondering)
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 44-14

Charlotte at Eastern Michigan
Poor Charlotte….
She is going to get roughed up more here than a coed at a Baylor football party…
EAGLES 38-10

EDITORS NOTE: What? Too soon?

Central Connecticut at Syracuse
Have you ever been to “central” Connecticut?
It smells like wet cat food…
ORANGE 41-10

Navy at Florida Atlantic
This particular pick is rather simple….
The United States Navy against the “Atlantic” whatever…
Navy Wins…
MIDSHIPMEN 38-17

Colorado State at Colorado
This bitter instate Rivalry game comes early….
It’s called “The Rocky Mountain Showdown” and it’s played for the Centennial Cup
I want to go “Upset” here
But I can’t
BUFFALOS 38-34

Washington at Rutgers
There is nothing quite like New Jersey in August…
It smells like..
A baboon’s ass…..
(Please don’t ask me how I know what that smells like; I would rather not talk about it)
HUSKIES 44-10

Utah State at Wisconsin
Say what you will….
But I believe in the Power of Cheese Whiz
BADGERS 41-17

Boston College at Northern Illinois
I was going to watch this game but….
My Parcheesi support group is meeting at the same time.
Don’t judge me
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 41-38

Saturday 2 September

Liberty at Baylor
Note to all Liberty students traveling to Waco Texas….
“IF” you accept anything from a Baylor football player at a “party”…
Be sure it’s a canned Coke, a Coconut or Boiled egg…
(Something they can’t get into, if you know what I mean)
Just trying to keep you kids safe
DA BEARS

Abilene Christian at New Mexico
Let’s be honest here…
I don’t care and neither do you
LOBOS 38-10

Valparaiso at Montana
I thought “Valparaiso” was the name of a famous Bullfighter…
Who Knew?
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZ 41-10

Incarnate Word at Fresno State
The only Incarnate Word My Black Lab “Doc” understands is…
“Biscuit”
(Or so he says…)
BULLDOGS 44-0

VMI at Air Force
These two fine military academies square off in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains…
And that’s about the only view the Boy’s from Virginia are going to enjoy in this game
FALCONS 49-10

Missouri State at Missouri
I wish the Tigers would lose this game….
But they won’t
MO’S CATS 41-10

Ball State at Illinois
Before you start to get fired up for this game remember…
The History of Macaroni is on the Food Channel
(I’m just saying)
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 41-38

Wyoming at Iowa
I think the Cowboys are going to get bucked in this one…
HAWKEYES 34-10

Bowling Green at Michigan State
I know a lot of Wolverine fans are cheering for the Falcons in this one…
Pace your hate my friends, it’s a long season.
SPARTANS 34-17

Akron at Penn State
I find this game to be somewhat inappropriate…
Can you imagine if Jerry Sandusky were still at Penn State?
And they were playing the “Zippers”?
There is so much wrong about that I don’t know where to begin.
NITTANY LIONS 41-17

Newberry at The Citadel
For the love of Andy and Barney, It’s MAYBERRY!
Not “New” Berry….
Just because they got a “new” Pizza Hut and a Bo jangles in town doesn’t make the whole damn town “new”.
BULLDOGS 44-21

Maryland at Texas
This is all have to say about this is….
“They” better win
LONGHORNS 34-17

Kent State at Clemson
Oddly enough….
With the “Golden Flashes” in town this week
There has been an unusually high rate of 911 calls about geriatric nudity in town.
Coincidence? I think not..
DABO’S TIGERS 44-14

California at North Carolina
I thought the California Legislature passed a law forbidding state run universities from traveling to “prejudiced” Southern States, like North Carolina?
Never mind, they needed the “money” I forgot..
TAR HEELS 33-24

Bethune-Cookman at Miami
Rule Number 23…..
Never trust a woman or a college with a hyphen in their name…
I’m just saying..
HURRICANES 44-10

Youngstown State at Pittsburgh
Panthers and Penguins
Say that three times fast after you have been drinking…
PANTHERS 38-21

North Carolina State at South Carolina
Although most national pundits are picking the Wolfpack in this one….
I however am NOT a pundit; I’m Baptist
GAMECOCKS 28-24

Michigan and Florida
Arlington Texas
The Gators have over eleven starters out for this game….
I hate to make this pick
WOLVERINES 31-17

Temple at Notre Dame
Many of you have asked me “Why” the Irish are opening this season with Temple
The answer is simple
It’s because the Molly Magus Hair Extension and Tanning Salon Academy were busy that weekend. Don’t laugh those Irish girls are tough…
FIGHTING IRISH 44-10

Texas El Paso at Oklahoma
O Yeah, this one will be Close…
Not…
BOOMER SOONERS 49-10

Nevada at Northwestern
I don’t care and neither should you…
WILDCATS 28-24

William and Mary at Virginia
As we know ESPN has replaced sideline reporter “Robert Lee” for this game…
In an unprecedented move to satisfy protestors and satisfy “hurt feelings” everywhere, ESPN has also fired anyone whose first or last name is “Ferguson” as well as anyone born near St’ Louis, Missouri.
CAVALIERS 33-17

Troy at Boise State
Poor Troy…..
I hate he traveled all that way to get his ass kicked
BRONCO’S 41-24

Stony Brook at South Florida
Speaking of Stony Brook…..
Did you know that you can have a great (affordable) getaway weekend or a vacation at one of the most beautiful vacation spots in the world? You can…
See my friends at Stony Brook Cabins and Chalets in Gatlinburg
Tell them Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator sent you
NO BULL 44-10

Eastern Washington at Texas Tech
While in Lubbock I like to go to the Buddy Holley Museum…
What says you Peggy Sue?
RED RAIDERS 34-17

Kentucky at Southern Miss
I’m calling it…..
UPSET SPECIAL!!!!
GOLDEN EAGLES 28-24

Charleston Southern at Mississippi State
My Black Lab “Doc” and I went round and round over this one…
(“NO” we weren’t chasing our tails)
Doc says…..
BULLY DOGS 34-28

Western Michigan at Southern California
Isn’t “Western” Michigan Canada?
I’m confused…
TROJANS 41-14

North Carolina Central at Duke
I wouldn’t pull for Duke if they were playing the Taliban….
But this is business
BLUE DEVILS 41-17

Appalachian State at Georgia
Don’t be surprised if this game isn’t closer than the experts think…
I won’t be….
However “Doc” says…
SMART DAWGS 38-17

Miami (OH) at Marshall
Three words…
WE ARE MARSHALL
THUNDERING HERD 33-28

Hampton at Ohio
Since when did Hampton Hotels start fielding a football team?
I have to start getting out more, I really do.
FRANK’S CATS 38-10

Southeast Missouri State at Kansas
You know it’s a small college when their marching band consist of a kazoo, a tambourine and kid playing the spoons. Congratulations Jayhawks on picking your opponent..
JAYHAWKS 6-3

Houston at Texas San Antonio
My Prayers, My Heart and some of my fondest memories are with Houston…
Stay Strong My Friends
COUGARS 41-21

Eastern Kentucky at Western Kentucky
This Old Rivalry in the Commonwealth of Kentucky is called….
“The Battle of the Bluegrass”
It’s always a good one…..
HILLTOPPERS 34-17

Northwestern State at Louisiana Tech
As you might imagine…..
“Doc” the Black Lab was rather insistent on this pick
BULLDOGS 31-14

Stephen F. Austin at Southern Methodist
There hasn’t been a shoot-out like this since the Dallas liquor store robbery back in April.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 41-34

Grambling at Tulane
Call this one a “Feeling”…..
Before you ask, “No” I’m sure the feeling isn’t from a night of ill prepared Mexican food
COACH ROB’S TIGERS 28-24

Central Arkansas at Kansas State
I knew people in Kansas liked cupcakes….
But Come On!
BILL’S CATS 141-3

Georgia Southern at Auburn
Beware Tigers….
Beware
WAR DAMN EAGLE 34-24

South Alabama at Ole Miss
I can’t help but wonder…..
If you need help finding your seat in the stadium for this game…
Do you call an escort?
It’s a legitimate question
FOAM RUBBER BLACK BEAR REBELS 6-3

Louisville at Purdue
The Boilermakers have a football team? Really…..
I’m serious…
I have to start getting out more
BOBBY’S BIRDS 41-14

Arkansas State at Nebraska
By the time the Red Wolves hear….
“And the rockets Red Glare…”
They will be down by two touchdowns….
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 44-17

Jackson State at Texas Christian
Another member of the Big 12 (light) Conference…..
Enjoying a controlled scrimmage on opening weekend.
Rock On….
HORNED FROGS 178-3

Florida State and Alabama
(Atlanta Georgia)
The premier game of the weekend
Two top three teams going into the college football season
It’s going to be a good one
Believe it
CRIMSON TIDE 34-28

Northern Iowa at Iowa State
Seriously…..
You think anybody will be watching this while the Seminole and Tide are playing?
Hardly…
CYCLONES 17-14

Vanderbilt at Middle Tennessee State
This game will be closer than you think….
Way closer..
ANCHORS DOWN 24-21

Southern Utah at Oregon
You and I both know….
We don’t care about this game, let’s just admit it
QUACKERS 247-3

Brigham Young and LSU
(Houston, Texas)
This game that was scheduled to be played in Houston will now be played in Arlington.
And I f I haven’t mentioned it…
I think Hurricane Harvey is a flaming Jackass
But on to the game at hand….
Believe me when I say….
It won’t be close
FIGHTN’ TIGERS 44-14

Montana State at Washington State
I really want to take the boys from Big Sky Country in this one….
But I am going with
MIKE’S COUGARS 38-24

Northern Arizona at Arizona
You may find this tidbit of information of some interest….
At the same time as this game is being televised….
The Animal Planet will be airing “Poop Flinging Monkey’s from the Amazon”
I think the choice of what to watch is quite clear here.
RICH CATS 44-10

Sunday 3 September

Texas A&M at UCLA
This game is going to be a tussle from start to finish….
I will not go against my Texas brothers and sisters in this one
Even if they are Aggies
GIG EM 38-34

West Virginia at Virginia Tech
(Washington, D.C.)
This age old rivalry in Appalachia Mountains is played for….
“The Black Diamond Trophy”
It’s going to be a slobber knocker…
Believe it
(Light those couches!)
MOUNTAINEERS 27-24

Monday 4 September

Tennessee and Georgia Tech
(Atlanta, Georgia)
Although I would have picked an “Upset” in this one….
I am nothing, if not loyal
VOWELS 33-31

Next Week….

If you haven’t taken the time to read the earlier article out Monday from Harley you should, it will bring some sunshine into your life.

And as you might imagine, Your Week 2 College Football Picks will be out next week by Thursday and there will be an article or two out during the week to keep you motivated.

Don’t say it I already know….

I am cool like that

One More Thing….

You have a “New” article on Mikerights.com today that is sure to get a laugh or two out of you, trust me it’s good for the soul.

Thank you all again for supporting both websites and purchasing my little book, “Sunnyside Up”. My Black Lab “Doc” and I thank you.

Enjoy your weekend…

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload CAPTCHA.