THE 2017 COLLEGE FOOTBALL PRESEASON EXTRAVAGANZA

August 3, 2017
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

It’s Time.

You have waited patiently all through spring and summer for this special time.

(“NO” I’m not talking about “Shark Week”)

It’s almost time for kickoff of our beloved college football season.

Have no fear my loyal readers…

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is here to guide you through it all.

Part I of Your 2017 College Football Preseason Extravaganza is ready….

You are Welcome America

Enjoy….

THE CFB WIZARD COMMENTARY

I have been writing this little college football prognostication website that has been ripe with sarcasm, humor and the occasional truth for several years now.

This all started in the Fall of 2000 at Eglin Air Force Base with a simple word document that was sent around by yours truly to like minded college football fans in our little conclave and around the base.

To say that it has grown over the years would be an understatement….

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator has picked thousands and thousands and thousands of college football games over the years while amazingly enough maintaining a 78% winning percentage.

Oddly enough my Black Lab “Doc” has consistently maintained a 92% success rate over the past few years in picking games that involve canine mascots. This only proves more often than not that I’m not as smart as I think I am sometimes, as he likes to remind me.

The various articles and football picks has always been a labor of love and it has been written in war and peace and through death and disease. But through it all, it has been written for you, the reader.

On behalf of myself and my Black Lab “Doc” the greatest canine college football prognosticator in America, thank you for riding along with us for yet another college football season.

Buckle in my dear readers, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!!! (Smiley Face)

Congratulations on your book release!!

That must have been quite a journey!!

I am on my own journey called LIFE thanks to reading Taylor Swifts blog!

(Double Smiley faces)

Taylor Swift is SO Amazing! That blog has helped me with my journey!!

You should read what Taylor Swift has written, it’s AMAZING!!

(Triple Smiley Faces)

Sonja (While on my journey I like to be called “Jade”)
Springfield, Virginia

A: As an underrated wide receiver for West Virginia I was unaware that Taylor Swift was popular enough to have his own “Blog”, but perhaps this is his breakout season for the Mountaineers.

Q: Congratulations Mr. Wizard!

My family and I have thoroughly enjoyed your book “Sunnyside Up”.

Thank you for sharing those stories with us all.

We are looking forward to the College “Picks” this season and your next book.

Roll Tide

The Davis Family – Birmingham, Alabama

A: Thank you for those kind words and the shameless plug, it prevented me from having to do it myself.

Q: Dear Sir,

As the NCAA Chairman of the Committee on Sportsmanship and Participation, I have an exciting announcement to make.

I am pleased to announce that in front of a National Television audience, at the Home Opener for the University of Tennessee Volunteers who will be playing the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, we are going to be presenting the University of Tennessee with the 1st Annual Championship of Life Diversity and Participation award!!!

While Coach Jones did prematurely announce that his Volunteer’s did, in fact, win this prestigious award, it was fortunate that no one in the media took him seriously.

As you can see by the accompanying photos to my letter, this is an impressive trophy which is being awarded to a team who surely deserves it. And, lest I forget, we will be presenting all members of the team some impressive Participation Key Chains to commemorate their involvement in making the Tennessee Volunteers America’s “Inclusive” Team.
 
Congratulations Tennessee!!!
 
Marley Bunting-Hyde-Salami-Westbury-McBride-Delaney
Chairman
NCAA Sportsmanship and Participation Committee
Indianapolis, Indiana

A: It was also reported on a local station that in addition to “Participation Key Chains” the Volunteer coaches and players will also receive a season’s supply of “Life” cereal courtesy of Kellogg and a complimentary “Life” board game sponsored by the Hasbro game company.

They also receive a “Slinky”, just because….

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I recently overheard a conversation at work about some football “league” coming this fall that plays a type of football, that although isn’t very much like what you see on television or nearly as rough or even popular will nonetheless be played in the northeast where I live.

I would have asked the people talking about it, but I didn’t want to appear that I was eavesdropping, that’s why I thought I would just ask you.

Thank you

David – Newark, New Jersey

A: You heard correctly David, there is a “league” playing football in your part of the country this fall, that isn’t as violent or nearly as popular or even worth watching.

It’s called the Ivy League….

However on a more positive note….

I hear they put on a Hell of a Protest March

Q: Hey there College Football “Wizard”
 
You know, you’re title is a stretch at best.

You’re no more a football prognosticator or expert than I am a gynecologist.

You act so high and mighty because you’re a “Bama Man”. Well, whoop-tee-doo. I’m a Notre Dame man and I will tell you something. I am tired of your constant barrage of insults that you constantly hurl towards South Bend.

As a matter of fact, your idol, the Bear, and your current hero are no comparison to the greatest coach in Notre Dame Irish football history. That’s right, I’m talking about George O’Leary.

You know he wasn’t there long but he was UNDEFEATED!!!

How many games did your little pet the “Bear” lose? Huh? Yeah, George would have had the greatest tenure in the HISTORY OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL but somebody decided to bring up something about a dam resume!!!

Are you kidding me???

Nobody cares about Rhode Island except a bunch of ESPN haters who were just waiting for us to take over the college football world so they could TEAR US DOWN!!!

That’s all that was about. HATE!!!

So, next time you want to go spouting off about Nitwit Saban and his national championships, remember this. George O’Leary would have had about 10 and like 99 undefeated seasons before he was finally RUN OFF BY A BUNCH OF OHIO STATE AND MICHIGAN AND ALABAMA HATERS!!!
 
Go to hell,
Father Lucas O’Reilly
Our Loving, Merciful Rectory of the Saints
Southbend, Indiana

A: Sounds like somebody needs to say some “Hail Mary’s” and take a nap….

Q: Hello! Yes and Thanks to you!

I see the question I need the ask, I see on American the television and question, yes please I need to ask: why people against the Muslim Bands?

To you Thank you

Mohammad – Washington, of the D.C.

A: Although it hardly fits the theme of this website, thank you for the email.

Now you may think Muslim Bands are the “Bomb” where you are from…

(Get it?)

But the reality of the situation is simply this….

Their music sucks….

And that goes for Cat Stevens too.

Q: Hey There Mister CFB Wizard!!!

Me and everybody down here in the Ware Eagles Club of Opelika Alabama want to invite you to our Anal Cornhole Tournament! We have it every year on the weekend that’s the season opener of the Auburn Ware Eagles!!

You are being invited officially!!

So come on down Mister Wizard!

Jimmy “Jug” Jemson – Opelika, Alabama

A: I assume you meant ANNUALLY, as in “The event happens every year”

At least I hope that’s what you meant….

However on a more serious note…..

Change the name of that damn yard game, it’s disgusting

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

OKLAHOMA: Recently legendary Sooner Coach Bob Stoops abruptly retired from Oklahoma leaving the university with few options to hire a replacement for such a prestigious post. The university decided to hire Coach Lincoln “What’s His Name” as the head coach, due in part because he was Coach Stoop’s offensive coordinator.

EDITORS NOTE:
Ironically Lincoln was named after a President that was assassinated which will more than likely happen to him as well if he loses to Texas this year.

MARYLAND: Many universities, particularly in the “Power” conferences boast of sixty thousand or more attendance during their annual spring football games.

It gives the fans access to their gridiron hero’s and a chance to connect with other fans.

It’s a love fest for the fans of their favorite college football team.

That being said…..

The Mighty Terrapins set a record themselves during their annual “Red and White” game this past spring with an astonishing crowd of…..

(Wait for it)

175

EDITORS NOTE:
“Yes” you read that correctly….

As in the number after “174” and the number before “176”



EDITORS NOTE:
Don’t be too down trodden Maryland fans…..

Take heart….

You still have the most “Butt Ugly Uniforms” in the Big Ten (Or Twenty Conference)

INDIANA: I may have to retract the above statement….

The “Butt Ugly Uniform” award may be up for grabs this year.

The Hoosiers “New” uniforms look like a barbershop quartet on crack

CLEMSON: The Mighty Tigers of Clemson celebrated their well deserved National Championship recently at the Whitehouse with the President of the United States on the lawn of the Whitehouse.

TENNESSEE: Meanwhile the University of Tennessee recently celebrated their “Championship of Life” at the Stuckey’s conveniently located just off interstate 40 at exit 427. This was followed by their annual “Snipe Hunt” at the Peyton Manning Trailer Park in Strawberry Plains Tennessee.

SAN JOSE STATE: Many people think that college football coaches are so absorbed in the game that is all they know or all they have ever done.

Not true.

The coaches and players surprised Alonzo Carter the running backs coach of the San Jose State Spartans after a spring practice this year, with a “song”

Because the running backs coach was once a back-up dance for M.C. Hammer

I will tell you what you already know….

You can’t touch this…

KANSAS: At the Big 12 (Lite) Media days, Jayhawks Football Coach “Mr. Soon to be Fired” reiterated that Kansas is dedicated to continuing their tradition by sucking all season long during every game.

EDITORS NOTE: I applaud their willingness to stick to their tradition

ILLINOIS: Coach Lovie Smith had this to say about his Fighting Illini football team during the Big Ten (or whatever the number is now) Media Days.

EDITORS NOTE: Never mind, we really don’t care…

AMHERST COLLEGE:

Get ready to cheer for the Amherst College Mammoths!!

The Massachusetts school recently announced that its athletic teams will be known as the Mammoths after a yearlong selection process and vote that involved thousands of alumni, students and faculty.

The selection board said people who suggested mammoths noted they are ‘impressive,’ ‘stupendous and monumental,’ and ‘near mythic.’

EDITORS NOTE: “Yes” I’m being serious…

Backers also noted the school’s natural history museum houses a mammoth skeleton discovered by Amherst professor Frederick Brewster Loomis and brought to the college in 1925.

The process started in January 2016 when school trustees decided the school’s unofficial nickname, Lord Jeff’s, was inappropriate in part because the 18th century British General Jeffery Amherst suggested giving smallpox-infected blankets to Native Americans.

The board initially received hundreds of sometimes whimsical and silly suggestions.
Amherst, later Lord Amherst, who captured Canada for the British in 1760, was said to have advocated using smallpox-infected blankets to wipe out Native Americans during a later uprising.

That revelation prompted administrators to declare in January of last year that the figure of Lord Jeff will no longer be referenced on official college communications or campus symbols.
So it’s out with the Lord Jeff’s and in with the Mammoths!

This change has already created the worst new college pick up line of the year…

“Hi, I am from Amherst and I’m a wooly Mammoth”

MICHIGAN: Speaking of the Politically Correct Police….

Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh has decided to name two “Honorary Captains” for the Wolverine Football team this coming year.

(Wait for It)

Former President Barrack Obama and former First Lady Michelle Obama

Not that most of needed any more reasons to hate Michigan, but thank you Coach Jim for giving us two more.

NOTRE DAME: The Fighting Irish have invited Pope Francis to the homecoming game this season, as many have seen as an effort to counter Michigan’s “prestigious” choice of Honorary Captains for the wolverine football team this season.

However snot nose entitled students immediately began staging a protest when the news leaked out about the potential for the Pope’s visit to the Notre Dame campus.

Their point of contention being….

“The Pope looks like a Klansman with that robe and pointy hat”

Enough said..

MISSOURI: From yet another chapter from the Politically Correct Files…

The University of Missouri is now promoting “an exciting game day experience!”

EDITORS NOTE: Tell me More!

You Tiger fans can now rent a room in one of the seven empty dormitories on campus for the “Full Game Day Experience.”

EDITORS NOTE: Because nothing shouts “Fun” like sharing a shower and a toilet with a group of complete strangers who happened to be intoxicated beyond description.

One last thing on this topic….

Do you know why there are seven empty dormitories on the campus of the University of Missouri? Despite what the New York Times recently reported….

Student admissions to Missouri are down over forty percent this year….

Do you know why?

It’s because NOBODY wants to attend a university known more for campus unrest and protests than academics and certainly hard working parents aren’t going to “support” their children attending a school that coddles and endorses such foolishness.

But the whole “renting” a dormitory on the campus of Missouri does raise one intriguing question; Does the dorm room come with a view of the latest protest on campus?

LSU: Yet another from the Politically Correct Police….

A group of students who prefer to remain “anonymous” have circulated an “online” petition that have (as of this publication) nearly four hundred signatures in an effort to “force” the administration at Louisiana State University to “give up their live Tiger mascot” because they said his living conditions were “inhumane.”

EDITORS NOTE: I wish I lived in an “inhumane” 20 million dollar habitat….

The anonymous group also called for the “renaming” of the LSU sports teams citing the origin of the “Louisiana Tigers” stems from the civil war as their troops were called “Tigers” due to their ferocity in battle.

Their “online” petition is being promoted on Change.org and on the Black Lives Matter website.

EDITORS NOTE: You want to know why the petition is promoted “online”. Because if you walked around Tiger Stadium on game day promoting that crap you would get your ass kicked between your shoulder blades (repeatedly)

Needless to say the fans have responded with their own ferocity towards the anonymous group of delusional idiots, particularly after one of the female participants responsible for circulating the petition said this regarding the “issue” in an interview.

“I shouldn’t HAVE to attend a racist school with a racist mascot”

And….

“It is incredibly insulting for any African American to have attended a school that honors Confederate militants. It is already hard enough to be black at LSU, to walk a campus where white fraternities dominate a racist culture.

We’ve all heard the slurs, we have all participated as minorities. It is impossible for the majority to ever understand life from a minority’s perspective. However, it is much different in Louisiana, due to the years of violence inflicted upon our people by the white majority.”

One letter to the editor in Baton Rouge Newspaper said this…

“Honey, nobody is FORCING you to attend anything. Pack your bags and leave”

Being the master of the obvious that I am, I would have written….

“You aren’t at Amherst Dumbass”

Enough said…

ALABAMA: It’s important to note that we in the Southeastern Conference all have our hallowed traditions (Minus Missouri of course, unless campus unrest counts) and those traditions extend to other activities in our lives as well.

Take for example a beautiful couple tying the knot from Alabama….

The bride just happens to be a former cheerleader for the Crimson Tide as are her bridesmaids.

Enjoy a brief glimpse of the reception…….

Roll Tide

Next Week….

Each and every week right up until the opening kickoff there will be another installment of the 2017 College Football Extravaganza to include prognostications of the various teams and conferences for the upcoming season and a few other items to keep you entertained.

So stay tuned…..

One More Thing….

There is also a “new” story on Mikerights.com today that I hope you will enjoy.

I don’t want the title to misled you…

I won’t be on the upcoming “Dancing with the Stars”

But I have danced with a star…

If it doesn’t get a giggle or an outright laugh out of you, then I can’t help you.

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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