Ladies and Gentlemen –
Your “Part I” of the 2016 College Football Bowl Picks along with the remainder of “The CFB Wizard College Football Awards” are awaiting you on this “Special Edition” from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.
Consider it an early Christmas gift…..
You Are Welcome America
THE CFB WIZARD 2016 COLLEGE FOOTBALL AWARDS
Your last and final awards for the 2016 College Football Season are here…
In case I haven’t mentioned it in over a week, they are very prestigious.
Enjoy…
THE AWARD FOR TAILGATE FUTILITY
We’ve all seen and heard about the stories of the great tailgate experiences from Gainesville, FL to Eugene, Or and all points in between.
But there are some out there who really have a difficult time with preparation and presentation when it comes to the art of the tailgate.
You can’t burn your burgers.
You can’t drop your hot dogs in the dirt.
And when you prepare the artsy desert entrée, it needs to be not only edible, but pleasing to look at.
This year, the competition was neck and neck.
But, alas, only one winner can walk away with the Tailgate Futility Award.
Here we have University of Kentucky alum Hyram “Hey Now” Bohicket, who baked this grotesque U.K. Wildcat cake and to say the decoration went in the wrong direction would be an understatement.
The Wildcat mascot looks like the offspring of a feline suffering from radiation poisoning.
But, after careful consideration, we had to settle on this truly, putrid excuse for a layer cake by Boudreaux “Bo Boy” Pettis from Slidell, Louisiana.
We don’t know what the motif of this hideous entry was intended to be but it looks like a tom cat that wandered out onto I-10 and suffered the consequences of a run in with a Wal-Mart tractor-trailer.
So, congratulations Boudreaux!!! You are this year’s award winner!!!
MASCOT OF THE YEAR AWARD
Let’s be honest. Most mascots for college football teams fall into one of two categories:
One they are either ferocious, yet cute and of the friendly variety. I mean, look at UGA over in Athens. He’s an icon in the state of Georgia and around the SEC.
The warm, cuddly face and the chubby, awkwardness of his canine body makes him a beloved iconic figure in all of collegiate sports.
He’s the epitome of a strong, masculine mascot representing the virtues of loyalty, steadfastness, and faithfulness. He’s the warm and friendly mascot of the University of Georgia….
Until he shows you his fightin’ side…..
EDITORS NOTE: That is still one of my favorite pictures of all time…
Or two they are the absurd but loveable, laughable variety.
Let’s face it. Some mascots are just so absurd they leave you scratching your head in bewilderment wondering “why would an institution of higher education even consider using this monstrosity as their representative for all the world to gawk at.
They kind of fall into the train wreck category.
You just have to stop to stare.
There were many, many (too many, if truth be told) mascots that were considered for this prestigious award.
Artie the Fighting Artichoke representing Scottsdale Community College in Arizona.
The Boll Weevil representing the University of Arkansas at Monticello.
Even Brutus the Buckeye representing THE Ohio State University garnered votes
(A nut represents a CFB Playoff contestant, Really?).
But the unanimous winner this year goes to…..
Keggy the Keg, the unofficial mascot of Dartmouth because nothing, and I mean NO-THING represents the full “college experience” like a keg of your favorite Barley and Hops Beverage….
Congratulations Keggy and Dartmouth!
EDITORS NOTE: I still think he looks like the “Tin man” from the Wizard of Oz with a drinking problem..
THE VERY BEST BAND FROM POSSUM KINGDOM SOUTH CAROLINA
I present my good friends Bear and Bo from Possum Kingdom South Carolina.
For a Christian group they can bring the heat….
Who said we Christians don’t know how to rock?
Enjoy…..
EDITORS NOTE: For those of you under the age of forty please note, in the below video there are people that “actually” play instruments, sing their own music and don’t lip sync or gyrate on the stage with scantly clad dancers.
EMAIL QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard
I have a Christmas dilemma that I desperately need your help with.
Our family rotates houses where our family Christmas is held each year.
This year it’s MY turn and my two sisters than their husbands and four kids are coming to my house along with my mom and dad.
The problem is I am a bachelor and their four kids are between the ages of two and four and I don’t know what the hell to get them for Christmas.
In Christmas’s past I would just send gift cards etc. Now the pressure is on to produce gifts for the little ones and I don’t know what the hell to do!
Do you have any (any) gift ideas for children that young?
Please help me!
Troy – Spartanburg, South Carolina
A: Troy you came to right place after all I am “The Bicycle Elf”
This is the “perfect” gift for children in that age range.
It not only teaches them about life, it prepares them for life as grown ups.
Q: Hello and Holiday Greetings Sir!
My name is Marvin Spellman, but this time of the year I like to be called “Frosty”!
People will walk by me and say “Hey Frosty!”
It’s an incredible feeling to be called Frosty!
I’m sorry I’m rambling in my giddy enthusiasm!
I have invented the most unique gift that your readers will love!!!
So let me ask you kind sir?
Do you have any sweaters in your wardrobe? How about any jackets?
But do you have any “Swackets”?
It’s a combination of a sweater and a jacket!
HELLO! GENIUS!
Here is a picture of me in my latest invention!
I call it “Frosty Goes to Town!”
O’ Yeah and I added the hat I personally decorated for “flair”!
So what do you think, shall I prepare a few samples for your readers as a means of sponsorship for your website?
Thank you and Keep on Swacketing!
Marvin Spellman – Kalamazoo, Michigan
A: Thank you for the unusual and interesting email and gift idea.
However, this is a “family” friendly college football website and any references to “Swacketing” are not authorized by “The CFB Wizard, staff or other employees of the website.
Nice hat thought….
Q: Dear Mister Wizard
My name is Gertrude and I am 91 years young.
I wanted to tell you that we are going to have a real winter in the mountains this year.
I know because my sciatica has gotten inflamed and all swollen up.
Do you want to see a picture of my sciatica?
Gertrude – Cherokee, North Carolina
A: Ma’am if I won’t have any references to “Swacketing” on my website, then I damn sure don’t want to see any pictures of your old inflamed sciatica.
I just threw up in my trash can thinking about it.
Q: Hey Mister Wizard Man!
Hey I got a question for you that you didn’t answer last year.
(No hard feelings)
My mother-in-law is bringing a homemade fruitcake to the house this year for Christmas.
The one she brought last year I use as a boat anchor and a brace for the garage door in the winter. So here is my question, what the hell is in a fruitcake anyway?
Thanks!
Ted – Casper, Wyoming
A: Well, Ted there is “Fruit” and of course “Cake” hence in the aforementioned desert. But it has been my unpleasant experience with the “homemade” variety of fruitcakes that there is also something within the cake itself that has the same consistency of concrete.
I hope you don’t break another tooth this Christmas on your Fruitcake.
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard
My family and I are making the trek this year to visit “her” relatives in East Tennessee and to be perfectly honest this is a bit of culture shock for me and the children and to a lesser extent my wife is a bit disturbed as well. It’s not just because they are die hard Tennessee Volunteer fans either, although that’s difficult to endure.
It’s bad enough that we all have to sleep in her uncle’s basement with their fourteen cats.
We won’t wash our clothes when we get home; we burn them, that’s how nasty it smells.
If that’s not bad enough her aunt’s cooking, is so horrible that former World War II Prisoners of War with the Japanese refused to eat her food at the VFW.
But they also have a strange ritual or “non-ritual” that I hope you can give some clarification on. Her aunt and uncle “warn” us “Not” so say “Ho-Ho-Ho” in or around their house or in public.
I thought that kind of went with “ Ho-Ho-Ho Merry Christmas!”
Are they just “Anti-Santa Claus” or what?
Paul & Sharon – Athens, Georgia
A: Thank you for the disturbing visuals of your upcoming Christmas…
But to answer your question, one must be very careful in or around the confines of East Tennessee and Volunteer fans this time of year.
They are not “Anti-Santa Claus” as you might incorrectly assume.
Any mention or shouting of “Ho-Ho-Ho” may cause any number of women wearing “baby girl” sweatpants to descend upon your location from trailer parks and dilapidated campers from the local KOA Campground.
It’s a just a safety issue, that’s all.
Go Vols
THE BOWL GAMES PART I
Saturday 17 December
The Purina Monkey Chow Bowl
This game is located in semi-scenic Des Moines Iowa…
I really don’t have a lot of information on this bowl game….
I just like saying “Purina Monkey Chow”…
EDITORS NOTE: It’s fun to say even when you’re alone
Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl
Held in the Georgia Dome in Atlanta Georgia….
I am a fan of the great Coach Robinson from Grambling…
This one is for you coach, we still miss you
North Carolina Central and Grambling
ROB’S TIGERS 38-21
Gildan New Mexico Bowl
I don’t know what we have come to in college football…..
When a wart remover is the sponsor of a bowl game.
Shameful
New Mexico and Texas San Antonio
ROADRUNNERS (BEEP BEEP) 38-31
The Medicinal Marijuana Denver Colorado Bowl
Sponsored by Cheeto’s and Pizza Hut
This bowl game celebrating the legalization of marijuana in Colorado is also sponsored by Medical Marijuana, Inc and THCbiz.org, is to be played Denver’s Sports Authority Field, giving new meaning to the term “Mile High” Stadium.
Participants will be screened by physicians to uncover any malady they may have and then given sample packets contributed by the various Medical Marijuana sponsors.
The winner of the competition will receive the Bob Marley Memorial Trophy, which is actually an enormous hookah pipe and will be packed with award winning strains of the smoky substance made famous in Mr Marley’s lyrical expressions.
I just totally forgot who was playing in this game….
Sorry…
Las Vegas Bowl presented by Geico
This game should be renamed “Only the Lonely Bowl”
Because apparently nobody wants to be the head coach of either team..
Houston and San Diego State
COUGARS 38-17
Raycom Media Camellia Bowl
This game is played in beautiful Montgomery Alabama…..
I can almost smell the BBQ smoking on the grills from here….
(Sorry, I was getting a little Christmas melancholy there for a moment)
Appalachian State and Toledo
MOUNTAINEERS 41-28
AutoNation Cure Bowl
I am terribly confused by the name of this bowl game…
We need a “cure” for driving cars in our country?
They lost me…
Central Florida and Arkansas State
RED WOLVES 38-34
The Fleet Enema Bowl
This game is sponsored by Fleet Enemas and Colon Blow breakfast cereal
Ironically it’s played in Hershey, Pennsylvania
This game is reserved for teams that blew it out their butts all year
Oregon and Notre Dame
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Yet another confusing bowl sponsor…..
“R+L”, if that’s another case of the “new” math then I don’t get it
Truth be told I barely got the “old” math and I have grades to prove it too
Southern Mississippi and Louisiana Lafayette
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-24
Monday December 19
Miami Beach Bowl
The sponsorship for this game is rather simple….
“Miami Beach”
The name alone would also indicate that it’s also co-sponsored by at least one major drug cartel and Gloria Estefan.
Central Michigan and Tulsa
GOLDEN HURRRICANES 28-24
The M.C. Hammer Bowl
This game is located in crime ridden Pine Bluff, Arkansas
In the words of that great 20th Century Urban philosopher M.C. Hammer…
“You can’t touch this”……
(Frankly I don’t want too either…..)
Kansas and The entire Ivy League
Tuesday December 20
Boca Raton Bowl
(Please see the description of the “Miami Beach Bowl” above)
Memphis and Western Kentucky
HILLTOPPERS 34-28
The Cubic Zirconium Bowl
Played just off the “sandy strip” in Gypsum, Nevada
This rather prestigious bowl game located just 138 miles off the Las Vegas strip..
Is reserved for two teams that look “real” but couldn’t cut glass all year
Ole Miss and Purdue
Wednesday December 21
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Quite frankly this bowl game has far too many sponsors and is far to confusing for the viewer. Let me simplify this game for you and perhaps give you a more “accurate” portrayal of the bowl game and its geographical location.
This bowl game located in San Diego California should be called….
“The Wild Fire Mud Slide Taxes Higher than a Cats Back Illegal Aliens Diversity Bowl”
I would just call it the “TWFMSTHTACBIADB” for short….
(That kind of rolls off the tongue doesn’t it?)
Brigham Young and Wyoming
COUGARS 38-24
The Wolf Brand Chili Bowl
Sponsored by the regionally famous Texarkana Chili Cook-off Association
Much like the upcoming Vienna Sausage Bowl, you don’t really know what goes into making this delicacy, other than grease, more grease and a pinch of more grease.
But it does look like it’s already been eaten once…
I forgot where I was going with this one…
Tulane Green Wave and Illinois Fighting Pumpkins
The Preparation H Bowl
Played in frigid Chicago, Illinois
This bowl game is unique in the bowl series.
The teams are selected not by their prowess on the football field but rather…
By their fans who are known to be a pain in the ass throughout the season.
Auburn Tigers and Michigan Wolverines
Next Week….
As I begin my transformation into “The Bicycle Elf” this year I don’t want to leave your pre-celebratory Christmas stockings empty, so there will be several Christmas stories on this website and Mikerights.com to get you in the spirit for the holidays.
Also too, your favorite Tennessee Volunteer Fan, Mr. James “Hootie” Snitch will have another of his original “Christmas” compositions next week, which is always as festive as it is disturbing.
And the remainder of the College Football Bowl picks will be out too…
So stay tuned….
One More Thing…
Beginning today there will be several Christmas stories for you on Mikerights.com, some of which you may have read, but there will be a couple of new ones on there for you as well in the coming weeks.
I also wanted to let you know that I have on “good authority” from Santa himself, that by reading both websites, it puts you in “good standing” with the “Big Man”.
I don’t make the rules; I am just telling you what they are
(I told you I was Santa’s favorite Elf)
Enjoy the remainder of Your Week and upcoming Weekend
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD