The Last College Football Picks of 2016

December 8, 2016

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Please don’t let the title disturb you, or send you diving head first into the anxiety pool.

There is still the upcoming 2016 Bowl games and College Football Playoffs to report on, so don’t head to the spiked Eggnog just yet.

Just take a deep breath, settle back in your favorite chair.

The CFB Wizard will keep you informed and entertained until the final whistle sounds on the 2016 College Football Season.

Believe That…

Seasonal Rewind….

During “Championship Weekend” or “Not So Championship Weekend” as it’s referred to in the Big Ten Conference, Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a rather impressive 14 and 5 or 74% for the games.

I know many of you want to lavish praise upon The CFB Wizard for being the only college football prognosticator to pick Penn State over Wisconsin.

And I am humbled beyond words that the kind people in Happy Valley Pennsylvania want to erect a statue of “Yours Truly” for picking the Nittany Lion Championship, or “Not So” Championship.

But this enthusiastic outpouring of love is unnecessary.

So with that being said, The CFB Wizard finished the 2016 College Football Season, minus this weekend, the bowl games and the playoffs, at 632 and 151 or holding on by the hair of my chinny chin chin at 81%.

The above comment was in no way intended as a slight towards people or persons of Chinese ancestry, heritage or ethnicity. I would NEVER say anything hurtful or abrasive towards such fine people, primarily because they all know Kung Fu and they were responsible for the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

It’s hard to believe The CFB Wizard has picked 783 games so far this college football season with more to come this weekend and through the month long bowl season.

I think this says but one thing.

I need to get out more.

Seriously I need to get out more…..


These very (very) prestigious and highly coveted awards for College Football from The CFB Wizard are so sought after that universities and colleges across our great land have petitioned and even gone as far as to offer gifts in exchange for award consideration.

EDITORS NOTE: Who do they think I am Hillary Clinton?

Unlike other “Beauty Contest” sports awards, these awards from The CFB Wizard are based solely upon merit and performance on the field. Well, that and the ability to make a humorous caption from a picture posted online.

But have I mentioned the awards are very (very) prestigious?

Ladies and Gentlemen I present….

The 2016 CFB Wizard College Football Awards

The John Kerry Memorial Flip Flop Award

This prestigious award goes to an individual or group and or university who demonstrated consistent inconsistency on a grand scale.

This year’s winner personified that consistent inconsistency by announcing a top 4 for the College Football National Championship Playoff and defending their selections with evasive and contradictory reasoning.

Yes, after 2 years of defending their “Final 4” selections which tried to keep the Big 12 Conference out of the playoffs and saying that “Conference Championships Matter” and that the 13th game is important…. all of a sudden those 2 important criteria took a back seat to strength of schedule and FPI.

While the Big Ten Conference was in the hunt for the Flip Flop award when their commissioner changed his stance from the greatest consideration being a conference championship, we felt that his efforts were dwarfed when compared to the College Football Playoff Committee since their impact had national implications.

So, Congratulations!

The College Football Celebrity Look-a-Like Award

Without a doubt, this year the overwhelming victor of this award goes to Tennessee Coach Butch Jones for his uncanny resemblance to Sgt Vince Carter of Gomer Pyle USMC fame.

And it’s not just a physical similarity between the two!

Who can forget the hilarious rants that Sgt Carter would go on when tearing into his prize Marine, Gomer Pyle!!! And that, my friends, is Butch Jones when he’s on the sidelines!!!!

I’m sure the Tennessee fans and boosters get a big kick out of observing Butch explode in anger at an innocuous call or an untimely fumble.

So, congratulations Coach!!! You certainly deserve this award!!!



One time semi-professional interim coach and now head football coach for the LSU Tigers Coach Ed Ogeron wins this year’s award when he stated, so eloquently after the Tigers victory over Ole Miss.

“Igg Da Grr And Tha Baa Grrr Wazzzz, say bddddd and tha Reddes say dat too”

EDITORS NOTE: Well said coach, well said.

The Best Reference to the Oregon State Beavers of 2016

Congratulations go to Tulsa Oklahoma’s own KJRH, no explanation necessary.


ESPN’s Beth Mowins has won this award each and every year it has been awarded so the staff here at The CFB Wizard is considering renaming it….

“The Howling Beth Mowins Award for Ear Rape”.

In case you were blissfully unaware and have never heard “that” voice, let me enlighten you here on exactly what she sounds like while commentating a college football game.

Her voice sounds like someone is neutering a possum with a broken Budweiser bottle.


In this age where twenty something anorexic giggling bleached blondes attempt to report something akin to “news” from the college football sidelines it’s important to note that there is one lady that actually does make sense and knows the game of football.

ESPN’s own Holly Rowe

Not only is she smart, insightful, but she actually knows what she is talking about.

Congratulations on your award Holly!

 She isn’t hard to look at either, I am just saying…

The Dumbest University Athletic Departments of 2016

This year the voting for this prestigious award saw a repeat winner from last year.

(This is time for the all delusional fans to applaud wildly!)

In the infinite “lack of” wisdom from the LSU powers that are large and in charge of the athletic program “They” actually thought it was a “good idea” to fire the second most successful coach in their history after the fourth game of the season.

And then, if that wasn’t enough…

(Wait for it)

Then they proceeded to promote Coach “O” to the head coaching position.

That kind of stupidity deserves to be recognized.



There were several worth contenders for this award, there is the famed longhorn mascot “BEVO” of the University of Texas and certainly “UGA” the English Bulldog from the University of Georgia and the great Mike the Tiger of LSU.

But no mascot has stood out this year quite like Wynonna Judd running onto the field for the University of Colorado. Her coat (back hair) brushed and glimmering in the sun, her hoofs painted and buffed, while her horns (calcium deposits) stood out above her beehive hairdo.



Hands down the winner of this award goes to the ESPN College Game Day crew.

From Rece, Kirk, Desmond, David and the Great Coach Lee Corso

College Football Saturday’s are not the same without them

And it won’t be college football without Coach Corso’s headgear selection.

I love those guys


The winner of this award is none other than my Alabama brother Mr. Jermaine “Funnymaine” Johnson from Birmingham Alabama.

And before you start of accusing me of nepotism let me assure you that nothing of the sort influenced my decision on this award. There is absolutely NO WAY nepotism was involved, it couldn’t be; we are both Baptist.

Enjoy Mr. Jermaine “Funnymaine” Johnson’s latest video


Q: Hey Mister Smartass!

Why in the Hell do you think it’s ok to say smart ass things about the great Kenny Rogers?

Gerald – Chattanooga, Tennessee

A: Because I’m a “Gambler”

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

I am so disappointed with the holidays and everything.

To make matters worse, Notre Dame was “supposed” to be in the college football playoff this year, that’s what “everybody” said and they even started out in the top damn ten in the polls.

What happened, please tell what happen to Notre Dame?

Sean – Southbend, Indiana

A: The Fighting Irish sucked, that’s as simple as I can make it for you Sean.

They sucked like a new Hoover vacuum cleaner right out of the box.

Q: Dear Sir,

You know, I don’t really care much for Butch Jones. He’s always crabby and looks like his head is going to explode during every game, and that’s just not cool.

And his Volunteers beat my Gators this year, which was really not cool, huh? But, the Florida Gators won the East and got to Atlanta this year, and that’s pretty cool, right?

But, like I said, I don’t like Butch but I’m willing to recognize pure genius when I see it.

And that whole game of life thing he came up with IS pure genius. I mean, sooooo cool.

So, I was thinking after we got our butts handed to us by Bama, you can’t just say you’re a champion of something unless you played somebody, am I right? And, people are just clamoring for another bowl, right? Well, why don’t we have the “Game of Life Championship Bowl” sponsored by Hasbro Corporation?

Is that not cool? Isn’t that just really cool? I mean, my team is pretty down right here at the end of the season and I KNOW Butch’s team has got to be almost suicidal after getting beat by Vandy. So, why not play this new bowl game and actually crown a real, live Life Champion? What do you think, sir?
Jim McElwain
Head Coach
University of Florida

A: Don’t worry yourself coach, that’s just “Life”


Friday 9 December

Sam Houston State at James Madison
Well Houston defeated my Chattanooga team last week, so I am going Texan…

Saturday 10 December

Navy at Army
I’m nervous with all of Navy’s injuries from last week’s loss to Temple…
That aside…


South Dakota State at North Dakota State
The Bison will stampeded in Fargo on Saturday…
But not by much

North Alabama at Shepherd
“IF” this “other” college had anything to do with Alan Shepherd I would feel different..
But it doesn’t so I don’t

New Week….

There will be your first Bowl picks of the season along with some other CFB Wizard Awards and a few other Holiday inspired items to warrant your attention.

So stay tuned..

One More Thing….

In case you haven’t had the opportunity to see it, there is a story on from last week that you may enjoy and there will be more Christmas stories for you on the website in the coming weeks.

Thank you all for reading both sites, I greatly appreciate it.

God Bless you all


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