Ladies and Gentlemen –
I know that many of you got more “Tricks” than “Treats” last weekend…
Sure, some of you received candy that expired in 1989 and it couldn’t dissolve in a can of gasoline, I get it.
A couple of you may have even chipped a tooth and thrown something at your television.
It was a tough weekend, I understand
Don’t despair
It’s too early to throw in the towel
Well unless you are….
Tennessee
UCLA
Michigan State
Baylor
Houston
West Virginia
Then it’s time to totally stomp on the “despair pedal”
EDITORS NOTE: And just so I don’t get any additional complaints this week, I want to assure you all the “Trick” reference above was in no way referring to or condoning prostitution.
Weekend Rewind….
Before you even mention it….
I know (I know) I didn’t hit any of the upsets last weekend and I missed the ones I picked
If you must know, I bought some “circus peanuts” for Halloween that were out of date and they upset my stomach and quite frankly caused me to spend an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom allowing me to catch up on my reading, if you know what I mean.
I am not proud of it, nor am I proud I forgot to buy toilet paper last week.
And “NO” I don’t want to talk about it any further
That being said, Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a respectable 41 and 9 or 82% last week, leaving The CFB Wizard at 435 and 101 or 82% for the 2016 season.
I remember when I made 82% on Physics test in college once…
Thank goodness that Chinese exchange student didn’t understand the monetary exchange rate for a twenty dollar bill. Or I might have had to take the test myself.
EDITORS NOTE: Don’t judge me, please
THE CFB WIZARD CLASSIFIEDS
As was previously mentioned in other articles, in this tough economic climate even The CFB Wizard has had to resort to other “alternative” sponsors, to include (sadly) classifieds.
Please forgive this brief interruption to your college football picks…
Even Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator has to pay the bills…
EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know what this is “exactly”
All I know is, I’m not drinking it….
EDITORS NOTE: I knew a guy named Jimmy when I was a kid who would poop in a potato chip bag and put it on the teacher’s desk during recess. I never thought he would make a living out of that stunt. Good on him, I guess….
EDITORS NOTE: Sounds like the nickname people gave me after I attended my last West Texas Chili cook-off
PERSONALS
Wanted: “Hello Ladies, My name is Bil (with one “L”) because I’m a Rebel…
Deal with it Haters!
I’m a life long Auburn Fan and I’m nothing but War Damn Eagle!
I like playing CandyLand, living in my grandmother’s basement and petting anything made out of velvet.
I am looking for a female Auburn fan who loves life, the War Eagle Tigers and doesn’t mind a flashlight (candle) lit dinner of beanie weenies and saltine crackers and long walks at the recyclable center (where I work).
Hit me up Ladies, I’m available…
A HILARIOUS SELECTION OF BAD AND BIZARRE TINDER PROFILE PHOTOS HAVE APPEARED IN AN INTERNET GALLERY.
EDITORS NOTE: “Your available”….Of course you are
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
I am going to depart from the normal format for the college football news to introduce a buddy of mine from Birmingham Alabama, Jermaine “Funnymaine” Johnson.
I discovered his YouTube site last week with his “weekly” rewind of the games.
This is the “one” video I watched and I was hooked immediately.
So with all the necessary introductions accomplished, I give you this past weeks “rewind” and college football news by Jermaine “Funnymaine” Johnson.
Subscribe to his channel, you will be glad you did.
Enjoy….
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Hello Sir
My name is Alabaster Saginaw and I received a unanimous tip recently about your college football site. So let me say this…
When Alabaster Saginaw likes something, Alabaster Saginaw really likes something.
And I want to say that Alabaster Saginaw likes your college football website!
In fact my son, Alabaster Saginaw Junior likes your website almost as much as Alabaster Saginaw Senior if you know what Mr. Alabaster Saginaw Senior means.
Thank you for your time
Respectfully –
Alabaster Saginaw – Montgomery, Alabama
A: The CFB Wizard thanks you Mr. Alabaster Saginaw and The CFB Wizard greatly appreciates the kind words and encouragement from Mr. Alabaster Saginaw.
EDITORS NOTE: I have to admit, all that “third person” business was exhausting
But I have to give Alabaster Saginaw this, that’s a fun name to say….
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard
From the most recent questions poised to you from visitors to your beloved South you appear to have quite an in-depth knowledge of Southern etiquette.
So my question is this, what (in your opinion) is one of the most interesting or lesser known habits’ or Southernisms that would otherwise go unnoticed by the majority of us outside the South.
Thank you
Marjorie – Bloomington, Indiana
A: Thank you for the kind email Marjorie
A little known Southern Factoid for you….
Every Southern male over the age of fifty, regardless of race, creed or color will typically end each sentence with some form of a cuss word.
Example….
“Jimmy, how many times have I told you to stay off the wood pile? Damn!”
Another Example….
“Bobby we have been calling you for twenty minutes, where have you been? Hell Fire!”
Certainly there are other examples I could use, but this is a family column.
Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I read and saw last week’s pick and video you conveniently posted at the end of the article. Let me ask you this dumbass.
“IF” God was so interested in college football then why isn’t Notre Dame the number one team in the country?????
Anonymous – Elmira, New York
A: That’s an easy question Mr. Anonymous…
Because God doesn’t like Notre Dame (It’s in the Bible)
THE GAMES
Tuesday 1 November
Bowling Green at Northern Illinois
I have never felt more assured of a pick in my life…
HAIRY DOGS 45-20
Western Michigan at Ball State
I must be in the “zone” with these two picks….
BRONCOS 52-20
Wednesday 2 November
Toledo at Akron
Maybe it’s just a feeling that I am having, but I feel very confident of this pick
RICKY ROCKET 48-17
Thursday 3 November
Buffalo at Ohio
I love those Wings of a Buffalo, their football team…
Not so much
FRANK’S CATS 34-14
Oklahoma at Iowa State
The Cyclones couldn’t generate enough wind at this point in the season to be considered a decent dog fart.
BOOMER DAMN SOONER 38-17
UCLA at Colorado
Let me say this…..
“IF” you haven’t seen the Colorado team led Wynonna Judd onto the field before the game then you don’t know what you are missing. I understand they will have her calcium deposits (Horns actually) polished and her toenails (Hooves) painted and her back hair groomed. No news yet if she will be wearing yoga pants….
WYNONNA’S JUDDS 33-28
Friday 4 November
San Jose State at Boise State
The Bronco’s bounce back this week after being bucked by the Cowboys
BRONCO’S 41-24
Idaho State at Montana
The Big Bears return to Big Sky Country….
Finally…
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-14
Saturday 5 November
Arizona at Washington State
Coach Mike “The Pirate” has something working at State…
I am going with the Apple State Cats in this one..
COUGARS 41-38
Oregon at Southern California
I do believe the Ducks are Quacked Out….
TROJANS 38-34
Carson Newman at North Greenville
Although the Eagles have had an uncharacteristically hard year…
I still have faith..
SPARK’S EAGLES 41-38
Oregon State at Stanford
If the Chicago Cubs can win the World Series…
Then the Beavers can beat Stanford
BEAVERS 28-17
Valdosta State at West Alabama
In case you were unaware, The Men’s Warehouse has compete men’s suits on sale this week, to include a remarkable sale on all men’s….
BLAZZERS 38-34
Washington at California
My Black Lab “Doc” insist I make this “pick”
(And that I get him a treat for doing so. Good Boy)
HUSKIES
Brigham Young at Cincinnati
You and I both know….
We don’t really care about this game
COUGARS 31-24
Alabama at LSU
This is “big boy” football, the way it was meant to be played
It’s going to be a good one
CRIMSON TIDE 28-24
Florida at Arkansas
Honestly….
This one is a toss up
I’m going with
GATORS 24-21
Louisville at Boston College
This game is going to be uglier than a popup throwing chimpanzee in a glitter thong
(Sorry for the Hillary visual)
BOBBY’S BIRDS 49-10
Concordia at St. Olaf
Isn’t Concordia a type of grape?
That’s weird that they have a college named after a grape
ST OLLIE 24-21
Syracuse at Clemson
Death Valley bathed in a sea of Orange on a November afternoon….
It’s going to be a beautiful day..
“IF” you are a Tiger
DABO’S TIGERS 41-17
Virginia Tech at Duke
It’s hard to pick against the turkeys during the month of November…
It feels un-American, if you know what I mean
HOKIES 34-31
Florida State at North Carolina State
Call me crazy, but this one will be a shoot-out and could easily go either way
SEMINOLES 44-41
Georgia Tech at North Carolina
This one will be close…..
Very (Very) close
Hold on to your seats
TAR HEELS 28-24
West Florida at North Alabama
It’s nice to know…..
There can be a shoot-out in north Alabama that doesn’t involve a liquor store robbery.
FLORENCE LIONS 41-38
Pittsburgh at Miami
As far as I’m concerned, it’s still Hurricane season
HURRICANES 31-24
Indiana at Rutgers
This game will be like watching two geriatric guys racing each other in Rascal Scooters
Sure it’s funny at first, then it’s just sad…
HOOSIER DADDY 28-14
Arkansas Monticello at Southeastern Oklahoma
Bo has been nearly perfect at home this season….
Not so much away from the house
But I believe “Bo “Knows” in this one
BO WEEVILS 28-24
Kansas at West Virginia
The Jayhawks are to college football as Kenny Rogers is to successful plastic surgery
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 44-14
Oklahoma State at Kansas State
Some people might categorize this pick as an “upset”…
Not me
BILL’S CATS 34-31
Purdue at Minnesota
I just love these Big Ten (or thirty six) Conference rivalry is played for the….
Highly coveted…
“Yee Yee Monkey Butt Trophy”
(I bet that thing smells, like, well you know…)
O’ SO Very GOLDEN GOPHERS 33-14
Navy at Notre Dame
I am going “Upset Special” on this one….
GOOOOOO NAVY!
MIDSHIPMEN 33-31
Air Force at Army
Despite the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series….
Order is restored to the universe with this game against West Point
Thank you Air Force
FALCONS 38-34
Ouachita Baptist at Oklahoma Baptist
This many Baptist in one location means just a couple of things…
There will be a lot of shouting and hollering….
And the local Hooters will be standing room only
GOTCHA BAPTIST 31-28
Georgia Southern at Ole Miss
The Eagles in the Black Bear Rebels rear view mirror will be closer than they may appear
(I’m just saying)
BLACK BEAR REBELS 38-31
Texas A&M at Mississippi State
The Bulldogs of State need more cowbell if they want to compete in this one….
(As in A LOT More COWBELL)
GIG EM AGGIES 44-14
Vanderbilt at Auburn
Sadly, Lionel Richie and the Commodores will “not” be playing in this game…
Or it might actually be close
WAR DAMN EAGLE 41-10
Wisconsin at Northwestern
This Big Ten (something or another) Conference Rivalry is an old one…
They play each year for the “Danny Doofus Cheese Sombrero”
(Just so you know, that thing smells like hell on a hot day)
THE POWER OF CHEESE 34-21
Michigan State at Illinois
I simply can’t get enough of these Big Ten rivalries, can you?
They all involve such interesting trophies and prizes…
This rivalry is no different
It’s played each year for the “Bacon Slab Sock Money”
( I have heard that trophy is delicious)
SPARTANS 34-17
Texas at Texas Tech
This rivalry in the Lone Star State is played for the “Chancellor’s Spurs”
I don’t feel comfortable with this pick, but sacrifices have to be made
HOOK EM HORNS 44-38
Virginia at Wake Forest
I really don’t care….
CAVALIERS 24-21
Charlotte at Southern Miss
Poor ole Miss Charlotte, another Saturday….
Another Ass Kicking….
GOLDEN EAGLES 51-10
Texas Christian at Baylor
Remember when this game decided who won the Big 12 (Light) Conference?
Yeah, neither do I….
HORNED FROGS 41-38
Fresno State at Colorado State
After Colorado legalized marijuana, I finally understood the phrase..
“Rocky Mountain High”
I get it now, I get it
RAM TOUGH 31-28
Maryland at Michigan
Have you ever noticed that when Michigan’s Coach Jim Harbaugh wears those eye glasses on the sidelines, that he looks like a villain from “Zoolander”?
WOLVERINES 44-10
Texas State at Appalachian State
As an Appalachian-American I am under some obligation to pick my peeps
I’m just saying..
MOUNTAINEERS 41-24
Memphis at Southern Methodist
Would this be considered an “Upset Special”?
Yes, Yes it sure would be…
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 38-34
Missouri at South Carolina
After last week’s game….
There is NO Way I am going against the Mighty Roosters
GAMECOCKS 28-21
Tennessee Tech at Tennessee
The Volunteers hasn’t had a game this easy since they defeated ‘Bye” two weeks ago
Enjoy….
VOWELS 44-10
Florida International at Western Kentucky
Just because “some people” have an International House of Pancakes located near their campus does NOT make them “International”
HILLTOPPERS 34-17
Marshall at Old Dominion
Three words for you….
WE ARE MARSHALL 38-14
Georgia at Kentucky
This game features “Cats and Dogs”
My Black Lab “Doc” says to go with….
SMART DAWGS 34-24
Iowa at Penn State
This game will be too close to call….
But things are “happy” in Happy Valley for now
And they will remain so for another week….
NITTANY LIONS 28-24
Nebraska at Ohio State
I didn’t stutter…..
“Upset Special of the Week”
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-24
East Carolina at Tulsa
We don’t care the Nebraska Cornhuskers are playing, sorry….
PIRATES 38-17
Next Week….
The Week 11 (Marine Corps Birthday Edition) of your College Football Picks will be out next Thursday along with a surprise or two to keep you motivated for the remainder of the 2016 season.
So stay tuned…
One More Thing….
I want to take this opportunity to thank Harley for his outstanding article this week….
If you haven’t taken the time to read it, then you should.
I would also like to thank everyone from the “Eglin Gang” who has kept me motivated and encouraged through trials and tribulations, death and disease and everything in between. I love you guys, thank you for everything. I truly appreciate each and every one of you.
Enjoy your weekend
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD