Ladies and Gentlemen –
This week’s edition of the college football picks may not be Halloween grade “Spooktacular” but they will get your attention nonetheless.
This week you can expect thrills, frights and screams of dismay.
Sort of like the night of my High School Senior Prom but without the embarrassment of realizing you are “Color Blind” and your clothes aren’t even close to matching.
And “NO” I still don’t want to talk about it…
Enjoy Your Picks…
Weekend Rewind….
Despite missing “several” key upsets this past week, none of which am I sad or upset about I might add. I would like to take this opportunity to “Thank” in no particular order; a few teams that refused to give up or read my predictions of their impending defeat:
Penn State….
North Texas…..
Southern Methodist…
Middle Tennessee State….
And with that being said, last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator went a rather astounding 43 and 11 or 80% and for the 2016 college football season the CFB Wizard stands at 394 and 92 or 81%.
All things considered, that is still a better grade than I made in any class in college.
I’m just saying…
SAFETY TIP
As Halloween approaches I feel it is incumbent upon me as the eminent authority of all things college football, a noted celebrity, and a revered columnist to provide safety tips during this season of “Trick or Treat” to you, my beloved readers.
One….
The “Blind Pedestrian” Halloween costume that consists of a large black garbage bag that covers your body from head to toe is not to be worn at “night” as you walk along the busy streets. Unless you live in Detroit or Chicago in which case you should also wear some type of ballistic vest beneath your costume. However, if worn in or around Dearborn Michigan you will be dragged kicking and screaming to a mosque of “your” choice.
Two….
Ensure that whatever house you send your little tikes too, that the owner of the house isn’t wearing an ankle tracker or dressed in a “pedophile” costume.
It may not be a “costume” if you know what I mean..
Three….
Always have a variety of sealed candy and other safe treats on hand for any children that may “spook” their way to your door on Halloween.
I say this…
Because “apparently” passing out candy cigarettes and the small airline bottles of booze is considered “inappropriate” as a “treat” for children even in the mountain area of Tennessee I currently reside.
Four….
Last but certainly not least it’s important to remember that this is the time of the year that former Tennessee football coach Fat Phil Fulmer rises from the pumpkin patch to devour unsuspecting children who smell like sugar or any candy “like” substance.
In the event you are confronted by Fat Phil Fulmer in one of his diabolical sugar highs, there is a very simple formula to repel such a horrible menace that will cause him to waddle away howling back to his pumpkin patch.
Simply whisper or say aloud these three simple words….
“Roll Tide Roll”
You are Welcome America
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
MIDDLE TENNESSEE STATE: This is what I stated in last week’s picks as the Blue Raiders prepared to take on the Missouri Tigers:
“IF” the Blue Raiders of Tennessee beat Missouri…
I am going to roll around on the floor and howl like a lemur monkey on crack”
Let me say I have never enjoyed rolling around on the living room floor howling until I peed myself like I did after the Blue Raiders victory on Saturday. And although I have subsequently changed my undergarments from Saturday, I am still enjoying the victory.
Congratulations Blue Raiders
“THE” OHIO STATE: Seriously….
What’s with the whole “THE” Ohio State University thing, are there other Ohio State Universities we could get it confused with?
O’ Yeah one more thing
“Oops”
TENNESSEE: As you may have read last Saturday the Volunteers had a “bye” week.
Although I didn’t cover it as I should have, It’s my understanding that the Volunteers, although down by two touchdowns against the “Byes” going into the fourth quarter pulled out a miraculous win with a fifty yard field goal as time expired.
Congratulations!
SOUTHERN METHODIST: My Proud Ponies made me Proud…
ARMY: All is right with the world and a potential Armageddon has been avoided….
Army lost last weekend….
But in all honesty, we still have the Chicago Cubs to worry about
“They” win the World Series and we are all doomed
I’m just saying
TEXAS: Well, Hell…….
ALABAMA: If you have ever wondered what the definition is of….
“Getting hit hard enough that your grandmother feels it”
Enjoy this Alabama kickoff against Texas A&M….
LSU: In Honor of Mike the Tiger and the Mighty LSU Tigers…
I present your Halloween video for the year….
It’s a Thriller
Enjoy…
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard
My family and I just moved to Morgantown West Virginia from Philadelphia Pennsylvania and I don’t understand the customs here.
Each and every time the Mountaineers of West Virginia win a game (which has been a lot lately) our neighbors drag their couches out in the yard and set them ablaze!
Their OWN furniture!
Some of our neighbors have asked us why we haven’t burned our couches!
H-E-L-L-O! It’s OUR furniture!
This makes no sense to either my wife or me!
Can you make any sense of this strange and bizarre ritual for us Mister Wizard?
Thanks –
Paul and Martha – Morgantown, West Virginia
A: You know how the old saying goes Paul…
“When in Rome Georgia….”
Q: Dear CFB Wizard –
We are a bit concerned about you over here in Razorback Country
Your opening monolog last week was rather cryptic when you said:
As the song “State I’m In” from my friends in Possum Kingdom South Carolina
“The bright lights they won’t leave me alone, I need a shadow or a hole in the wall because maybe I don’t know, I don’t know what kind of state I’m in; we still got a ways to go”
So don’t get despondent or celebrate too loudly over a single game
We still got a ways to go this season
So hang on tight
Are you alright?
(And thanks for the Razorback Pick over Ole Miss BTW)
Razorback Alumni Conway Chapter, Conway Arkansas
A: Thank you for asking, but I am doing just fine
In an effort to get a “second” opinion I asked my imaginary friend “Shiloh”
He agreed, I am doing just fine
But thanks for checking on me
Q: Hey Mr. College Football Wizard!
My family and I had moved to the “deep south” last year from New Jersey and are confused as to several of the southern euphemisms and expressions.
Can you help educate us on a few of these interesting and quant terms?
Sincerely
The Richardson Family – Fort Deposit, Alabama
A: We Southerners have many interesting terms….
The two terms you need to immediately acquaint yourselves with to avoid any undue embarrassment or unwanted attention are these:
“Bless Her (or His) Heart”
You can say anything (ANYTHING) followed quickly by….
“Bless Her (or His) Heart”
And you as the recipient cannot be offended or are allowed any response in kind.
Case in point
“IF” you were to say something along the lines of
“Marsha sure has been acting like a whore lately”
Then one could and should expect some retaliatory response
However, “IF” the same comment was made using the above example provided then there is no response applicable, case in point….
“Ever since her divorce Marsha has been acting like the biggest whore in town, Bless her heart”
Done, conversation is over
The other Southern colloquialism is similar but is utilized differently.
“Have a Blessed day!”
This saying is used following a tirade and it allows the person using the saying to walk away from a meltdown or a “hissy fit” (We will get to that saying next week) without looking like a complete and total ass.
Example: “IF” you go into a store expecting to pick up something you ordered and you discover that it hasn’t even been loaded onto the truck yet in Des Moines Iowa and what ensues is a full blown angry meltdown, you will walk out of that establishment looking like the biggest butthole in three counties.
However, if you follow your “fit” but saying those four simple words you walk away looking less angry and more Saintly.
Case in point….
“I thought I told you ignoranous #$@%^&* that I wanted the DAMN Brown one, not the $%#*&% BLUE one, I will be back tomorrow and you better get your S&^$ together! Have a Blessed Day!”
You can easily see how much more palatable this is for the listener.
With that being said, I wish you damn Yankees would stop writing me and asking me stupid and ridiculous questions. If you don’t like it “down here” then move your collective fat asses back north, the roads are clear I checked. Also South and Southerners is spelled with a capital “S”, dumbass. Have a Blessed Day!
Q: Dear CFB Wizard
Hey, got a question for you!
In your opinion who are the worse commentators in college football, “Gary and Vern” or Howling Beth Mowins or Pam Ward?
Tom – Butte, Montana
A: I do love my fans from Big Sky County…
To answer your question directly Tom, it’s like trying to decide what smells worse…
A horse turd, monkey turd, a rhino turd or a turd from a Yak.
It doesn’t matter a “turd is a turd….”
EDITORS NOTE: The same logic here applies to politicians
THE GAMES
Thursday 27 October
Virginia Tech at Pittsburgh
The Turkeys surprised more than The CFB Wizard last week…
They throttled the Hurricanes and won big in Blacksburg
I am going with Tom Turkey in this one
HOKIES 28-24
Ohio at Toledo
Another Battle in the Buckeye state….
Both of these teams are good, real good
It’s going to be close (Real Close)
FRANK’S CATS 33-31
Southern Nazarene at Ouachita Baptist
The Baptist got dunked last week by the Bo Weevils but still have enough divine intervention to Baptize the Nazarenes.
GOTCHA BAPTIST 28-21
Appalachian State at Georgia Southern
This game may decide the conference championship….
It’s going to be a tussle from start to finish
Don’t leave your seat
MOUNTAINEERS 34-31
California at Southern California
This is considered to be a “Big” game in the state of California
Zima and Diversity Flags for Everyone!
Yippee!
TROJANS 31-28
Friday 28 October
Navy at South Florida
The beautiful city of Tampa is far to close to the coast to take on the United States Navy. Sorry, but sometimes that’s just how prognostication works
GOOOOOO NAVY 34-21
Air Force at Fresno State
In any “shoot-out” it’s always vitally important to have air cover…
Few do it better than the United States Air Force
(Please see “Prognostication rationale” above)
MIGHTY FALCONS 41-38
Yale at Columbia
Let’s be honest with each other here…
None of us care about this game
Saturday 29 October
Kent State at Central Michigan
This game features “Golden Flashes” and “Chippewa’s’”
I was going to say something clever…
But it sounded naughty and thought better of it
CHIPPEWA’S 38-31
Stanford at Arizona
The once mighty Cardinal have fallen off their perch…
Literally
WILDCATS 38-17
Montana at Eastern Washington
Due in large part to “scheduling” this game at Eastern Washington..
This one will be close..
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 31-28
Arizona State at Oregon
I was going to watch this PAC 12 titanic matchup but I realized…
My flatulence support group meets at the same time on the same night..
Sorry…
(Don’t judge me)
QUACKS 51-48
Valdosta State at Florida Tech
I don’t know If I have taken the time to mention it lately…
But there is a huge sale going on at the “Men’s Warehouse”
Half off…..
MEN’S BLAZZERS 44-17
Kansas at Oklahoma
If you enjoy massacres and other one sided contests…
Then this is your kind of game
BOOMER DAMN SOONER 228-3
East Central at Arkansas Monticello
I have learned my lesson from last week…
“Bo Knows Weevils”
I get it now…
BO WEEVILS 31-17
West Virginia at Oklahoma State
I am going “Upset Special” on this one….
Light those Couches!
MOUNTAINEERS 48-44
Minnesota at Illinois
This Old Big Ten (or thirty six) Conference rivalry is always a good one
It’s played each year for the coveted
“Mason Jar of Grandma’s Spit”
(Don’t worry her teeth aren’t in it, that’s another game trophy)
O’ SO Very GOLDEN GOPHERS 34-17
Michigan at Michigan State
This rivalry has all the right ingredients…
Hatred
Animosity
Bitter Feelings
And Long Memories..
It’s played for the “Paul Bunyan Trophy”
It’s going to be a close one…
WOLVERINES 28-24
Penn State at Purdue
After last week I am not going against the Nittany Lions…
Not going to do it
NITTANY LIONS 28-17
Chattanooga at Western Carolina
Whoever decided to name Carolina the “Catamounts”?
That just sounds nasty to me….
MIGHTY MOCS 41-21
Kansas State at Iowa State
There are few rivalries I like to report on more than this one
This rivalry is between two traditional agriculture universities
And it’s called…
(Wait for it)
“Farmageddon”
(It’s like Armageddon, but with tractors and combines)
BILL’S CATS 28-24
Kentucky at Missouri
This game will be like watching two geriatric guys wrestling over the apple sauce at the assisted living home. Sure it’s kind of funny at first. Then it’s just sad…
BLUE CATS 7-6
Central Florida at Houston
The Big Cats jump back into the fray this week…
COUGARS 41-24
Gustavus Adolphus at St Olaf
St Ollie won the Cereal Bowl AND the Goat Trophy last week
(As was predicted here…you are welcome)
This week they beat Hitler’s cousin…
(You aren’t fooling us by changing the names around Adolph!)
ST OLLIE 28-21
Duke at Georgia Tech
I have no rationale process for making this pick…
Other than the fact the “Varsity”, home to the greatest chili dogs in the world
Is close to Tech’s campus…
O Yeah and I hate Duke
Those are my two reasons
YELLOW JACKETS 41-34
Limestone at Carson Newman
The Eagles have been uncharacteristically poor this year…
Their luck changes Saturday against Rock Hound University
SPARK’S EAGLES 38-17
Louisville at Virginia
Just so you know….
I am not being Cavalier about this pick…
BOBBY’S BIRDS 41-17
Boston College at North Carolina State
I can’t tell if my Black Lab “Doc” wants another treat…
Or he wants me to pick the Wolfpack
(He has a better average than I do this season, so I better listen)
WOLFPACK 28-17
Western Kentucky at Florida Atlantic
Slightly off the subject…
But if you are feeling “bad” about yourself..
Head over to your local Wal-Mart
You will feel like a Heisman Trophy winner by the time you leave
(You are Welcome)
HILLTOPPERS 31-24
Samford at Mississippi State
Finally I pick these Bulldogs and they “win”
“Doc” will be happy…
BULLY DOGS 34-14
North Dakota State at Northern Iowa
This game makes me nervous for the Bison Faithful…
It’s going to be close
Very Close
MIGHTY BISON 31-28
Cincinnati at Temple
The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party is coming on…
So, for lack of a better term
This game is meaningless
Sorry…
BEARKATS 28-24
North Alabama at Delta State
Two of my favorite colleges square off….
Both are hurting…
Both still have a shot at the conference championship
It’s going to be close
FLORENCE LIONS 33-31
Florida at Georgia
Here you go…
“The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”
Jacksonville, Florida
It’s anybodies ball game
GATORS 28-24
Baylor at Texas
I’m afraid the Horns need “Life Alert”
Because they have fallen and they can’t get up…
DA BEARS 34-21
Army at Wake Forest
All is right with the world when I pick against West Point…
I’m feeling better already
DEMON DEACONS 38-17
Miami at Notre Dame
There was a time in college football that this was “The” game to watch…
But “Now” is not that time
Sorry
HURRICANES 28-24
Washington at Utah
My Black Lab “Doc” gave me the turned head look like he didn’t know what a “Ute” was, I understand boy, and neither do the rest of us…
HUSKIES 41-34
Maryland at Indiana
This rivalry is relatively new to the Big 10 (twenty four) Conference
But it is still just as fierce as the older rivalries
It’s played each year for “The Kenny Roger’s Gambler Trophy”
(I’m not sure if any hideous plastic surgery is included)
HOOSIER DADDY 24-21
Texas Tech at Texas Christian
This one is a toss up in Fort Worth…
Hold on to your seats
RED RAIDERS 48-44
Northwestern at Ohio State
The Chicago Cats will get a butt whipping of a lifetime this Saturday…
Believe it
BUCKEYES 181-3
Southern Methodist at Tulane
Come on Ponies! Pleaseeeeeeeeee!
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 33-17
Nebraska at Wisconsin
This Big Ten game (rivalry whatever) is played for….
“The Freedom Trophy”
Let Freedom ring…in Lincoln
CORNHUSKERS 31-24
Marshall at Southern Miss
This won’t be the only shootout in Southern Mississippi on a Saturday night….
Believe that….
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-31
Boise State at Wyoming
I think this game will be uglier than Wynonna Judd without makeup on
You didn’t think I was going to have a Wynonna reference this week, did you?
Shame on you…
BRONCOS 44-14
Tennessee at South Carolina
I wish I had better news for my Carolina Faithful..
But I don’t
VOWELS 41-21
Auburn at Ole Miss
This game is like trying to decide who to pull for…..
In a war between Iran and Syria
WAR DAMN EAGLE 31-28
New Mexico State at Texas A&M
The Boys from New Mexico “might” win this game…..
And I “might” occasionally be mistaken for Brad Pitt…
Neither of which is very likely…
GIG EM AGGIES (The TEXAS Ones) 55-10
Clemson at Florida State
This game will be a great one for the ages….
For a little while anyway, then it’s all….
DABO’S TIGERS 38-21
Tulsa at Memphis
I’m still confused as to what a “Golden Hurricane” is….
As a seasoned veteran of New Orleans Bourbon Street, I’ve never seen one
So I can only “assume” they are referring to someone peeing in the back of a box fan
Which is nothing to be proud of….
ELVIS’S TIGERS 41-38
Washington State at Oregon State
This game will be so very close….
I have my money on the Ole Pirate Coach Mike
Believe it
COUGARS 38-34
Next Week…
Your Week 10 College Football Picks will return at their normal time next week (Thursday) unless I ingest poisoned Halloween candy from my Tennessee Volunteer neighbors.
Don’t think I am being paranoid either
You didn’t “see” the pudding cake they sent me after Alabama’s victory over Tennessee
I swear that thing smelled like moth balls, old peoples feet and burned rubber.
So Stay Tuned…
One More Thing…
There are a lot of people that read this column that either know somebody going through difficult times or are going through the storms of life themselves.
Be an encourager to those people…
You can be their Light in the Darkness
You can help them break those chains that bind them down..
My Arkansas friend Zach Williams says it better than I
Enjoy…
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD