College Football Picks Week 7

October 13, 2016
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I know this past week wasn’t easy for many of you.

Many of you survived quite an ordeal.

Confusion, frustrations and anger

It was hard

It was scary

Because I understand better than most that listening to the “Vern and Gary” Show on CBS every Saturday and to endure the trauma that ensues from such an afternoon of college football is almost unbearable.

I almost forget many of you endured that Hurricane thing too, welcome back my friends.

Enjoy Your Picks

Weekend Rewind….

Before you say anything, I know, believe me, I know

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was a pitiful 35 and 16 or 68% last weekend. Apparently my tried and true method of “Luck Changing” involving strategically placed Velveeta in my shoes while listen to a “Best of Slim Whitman” CD while I write the weekly picks in seclusion was ineffective.

There I admitted it

After last week’s disaster that leaves The CFB Wizard at 306 and 77 or 79% for the 2016 College Football Season.

So with that being said….

I will revert to my “Three” all time favorite excuses for poor performance.

EDITORS NOTE: These are “Universal” excuses that I designed myself that can be used in any situation, so feel free to plagiarize and use them for yourself.

You are Welcome

My Top 3 Favorite Excuses

1. The Sun was in my eyes as I was making the all important weekly picks and was confused as to what teams were playing who.

2. I had a rock in my shoe as I was making the weekly picks and my insole just didn’t feel right, distracting me during important pick making decisions.

3. I don’t make accurate picks while on artificial turf.

EDITORS NOTE: Please don’t question the above logic….

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

WASHINGTON: These BIG Dogs are for real; Believe it….

NAVY: I knew the Mighty United States Navy could sink any ship on the high seas.

But who knew they could sink someone’s college football season too?

NOTRE DAME: I guess the North Carolina State game dispelled any rumors that the Fighting Irish can walk on water.

TEXAS: Damn It……

OHIO STATE:
Congratulations….

This past weekend you had the former Great Coach of the Buckeyes Earle Bruce “Dot The I” with the “Best Damn Band in the Land”.

I can only say one thing other than “congratulations” about that marvelous event…

“It’s about Damn Time You recognized that great coach and fine man.”

“It’s about damn time”

HOUSTON: Oops.

FLORIDA STATE: Apparently the report of the demise of the Seminole’s season was ill timed and inaccurate. Congratulations on a Great win over the Hurricanes..

Now please try and not sexually assault any more students on or off campus

Thank you

ESPN’s HOLLY ROWE: It’s no secret that I don’t like most female sideline reports or the rail thin bleached blonde giggling bimbos in the various sports studios.

And please don’t get me started on the female “commentators” for college football.

But there is one “Lady” that graces the sideline that I have always had mad respect for and that is ESPN’s Holly Rowe.

Not only does she know what the heck she is talking about, she also never (ever) asks any stupid questions or make ridiculous comments just to hear her own voice.

If you saw Holly on the sidelines during last week’s Alabama-Arkansas game then you noticed that her hair was shorn and mostly gone.

It’s because she is fighting cancer.

That’s right; she is on television while not “looking” like her “normal” beautiful self

If that’s not brave then I don’t know what “Bravery” is…

God Bless you Holly, I am praying for you

CBS SPORTS “VERN AND GARY”: If you have had the “displeasure” of hearing these two horribly annoying misfits on college football Saturdays then you already know what I am going to say.

If you look up “Dumbasses” In Webster’s Dictionary it says….

“See Vern and Gary”

ARMAGEDDON or THE END OF THE WORLD: Ladies and gentlemen please pay close attention to this “Public Service Announcement”….

“IF” the following events take place in close succession:

The Chicago Cubs go to and subsequently “win” the World Series….

The Indiana Hoosiers have a winning season and are selected to go to a Bowl game…

The Military Academy at West Point beats Navy and wins the President’s Trophy

Then that will be the end of the world as we know it….

So prepare yourselves and your families

EDITORS NOTE:
Don’t be mad at me, I don’t make the rules; I’m just telling you what the rules are.

LSU MIKE VI: It breaks my heart to report this…

As was reported last week….

Tests proved Big Mike VI cancer was back last week and he was placed in what could only be described as hospice care at the LSU Veterinary School.

Big Mike VI lost his life this past Tuesday 11 October 2016….

There is a lot I would like to write here, but I can’t, not now.

So I will just say…

Rest Easy Big Mike

GEAUX TIGERS

Big Mike

LSU PART II: The below picture deserves comment….

LesandMike

The very fact that the LSU administration (I use that term loosely here) would “fire” such a great football coach, university ambassador and damn fine man speaks volumes of “their” character or lack there of.

I wouldn’t possess the class, grace or dignity to continue to support an institution that had treated me so harshly and unfairly as Coach Les Miles demonstrates in the above picture.

The above picture demonstrates Coach Miles class, grace and dignity in the midst of disappointment, embarrassment and hardship.

And it provides an example for us all as well…

In the midst of trials and tribulations you have two choices…

You can be “Better” or you can be “Bitter”

God Bless You Coach and Thank you

BOSTON COLLEGE: I have two thoughts about the Eagles fan below….

Both observations are rather obvious…

“One” I wasn’t aware Boston College had a fan base….

“Two” if I had to set behind this idiot at a game, somebody would just have to get hurt…

BostonCollege

TEXAS A&M FIGHTING AGGIE BAND:
In case you have missed my subtle and “not so subtle” references to my love of college football traditions, then let me reiterate one for you in case you missed it.

I detest that the network idiots don’t show the mighty college marching bands at half time. In their “wisdom” they are under the misguided opinion that we viewers “need” to watch three of four talking heads in a network sports studio telling us what we already know.

In case you were blissfully unaware, the networks used to show the marching bands at halftime and scroll the scores of other games on the bottom of the television screen.

I assume that was done when people could actually read, but nonetheless….

This past weekend “if” you watched the Tennessee -Texas A&M game then you missed one of the most iconic marching bands in all of college football.

And might I add, “If” you hear them belt-out the “Aggie War Hymn” and it doesn’t stir your soul, then you are dead.


EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard

Allow me to introduce myself; I am Ms. Gloria D. Richardson and I am the President of the “International Wynonna Judd Fan Club” and not only do I and the over five thousand registered fans of the International Wynonna Judd Fan Club take exception to your lurid and inappropriate comments about Wynonna each and every week, but so do millions of her fans worldwide.

For your information, Wynonna is NOT in anyway FAT!

She is ONLY the greatest singer in the HERstory of Country Music!

Stop your ridiculous and outrageous characterizations of Wynonna before we talk legal action against you and your childish website!

Sincerely

Ms. Gloria D. Richardson
President of the International Wynonna Judd Fan Club
Muncie, Indiana

A: Two things here Gloria…..

Are you saying that Wynonna isn’t “fat” that she just has “big bones…”

Then those bones must be Brontosaurus Bones

Two: She actually has FIVE thousand fans? Are you sure about that?

Where did you get that number, from the number of calories she consumes “before” breakfast? Don’t get mad, it’s a reasonable question…

Q: Dear College Football Wizard

We just read that you are going to be a published author (Finally)!

That is exciting news!

We can hardly wait to get our copy of your book!

Our question is simply this, have you done any other writing prior to your current published work and the college football wizard website?

Thank you and congratulations again!

Steve and Wanda – Mobile, Alabama

A: Thank you for the kind words, I truly appreciate it…

More information about the release of my book will be forthcoming.

Actually, “little known fact” about yours truly….

I had a brief stint writing for “Hallmark Cards” once

It’s true

Unfortunately I was “let go” because apparently my “vision” didn’t match theirs regarding writing themes and what “is” and what “isn’t” appropriate for cards.

Here were a few examples “they” sighted as rationale for ending my employment

Sympathy Card:

Rose are Red

Violets are Blue

Your Grandpa is Dead

Now go through his shed and see if he has any playboy’s that he hasn’t read

Birth of a Child:

Say HELLO to Your new baby!

(Picture of the “new” child strategically placed below the above statement)

And GOOD-BYE to any Sleep!

Younger Person’s (generic) Birthday:

Happy Birthday!

You are such a precious joy

Too bad you aren’t as good as your brother Roy

And another one….

Happy Birthday!

We hope this day makes you ponder and think

Because you are the reason Mommy and I drink

Older Persons (generic) Birthday Card

Happy Birthday!

We were going to get you a Ten Year Calendar, but…..

Well, you know

And Another….

Happy Birthday!

We are putting your old forgetful wrinkled ass in a home next week

EDITORS NOTE: Apparently “creativity” isn’t welcomed at Hallmark Cards.

Q: Dear Mister College Football Wizard

Hey man, we got a question for you.

So which female college football commentator is worse?

“Howling” Beth Mowins or Pam “Screech” Ward

Thanks!

Seth – Spartanburg, South Carolina

A: That’s a good question Seth….

I could make an intelligent argument and give illustrated examples to amplify my points, as to which is worse, but suffice to say: Ear Rape is still Rape….

EDITORS NOTE: But to answer your question directly..

I would rather have a drunken amorous orangutan give me a prostate exam than listen to the nasally voice of “Howling” Beth Mowins call a college football game.

Q: Hey CFB Wizard!

Why all the heartfelt writing about the LSU mascot last week?

We have a mascot here at Ohio State that is pretty famous too you know!

You should write something about our mascot “Brutus the Buckeye”!

Later

Reggie – Columbus, Ohio

A: Simply put…..

LSU’s BIG Mike (A beautiful full grown Bengal Tiger) can catch, kill and eat any other mascot in all of college football to include some drunken college kid in a foam rubber nut costume from Ohio State.

I hope that answered your question dumbass

THE GAMES

Wednesday 12 October

Appalachian State at Louisiana Lafayette
Although I have many (many) dear Cajun friends…
Whom I love dearly
And I have roots in many of those bayous on the Gulf Coast
But at the heart of who I am…
I am an Appalachian-American
MOUNTAINEERS 24-0

Thursday 13 October

Navy at East Carolina
Two words for you…
GOOOOOOOOO NAVY
MIGHTY MIDSHIPMEN 38-24

Alderson-Broaddus at Glenville State
I don’t know about you…
But I am sick of all the cyber bulling of Alderson and his Broad Ass
Sure it’s funny, I get it…
But let’s leave Alderson’s eating disorder out of this, shall we?
Thank you
G VILLE 41-21

Friday 14 October

Duke at Louisville
This game will be uglier than Kenny Rogers in a Speedo..
(Sorry for the visual)
BOBBY’S BIRDS 163-3

Memphis at Tulane
What is the mascot for the Tulane “Green Wave”?
A Port-O-John that’s been turned over?
ELVIS’S TIGERS 44-21

Mississippi State at Brigham Young
I have never personally seen a dog get treed by a cat….
But we will this Saturday
COUGARS 34-21

Utah at Oregon State
I am calling this one an “Upset”…..
Deal with it…
BEAVERS 31-28

Arizona State at Colorado
It’s a Home game in Boulder Colorado and you know what that means!
Wynonna Judd will lead the team on to the field before the game!
(And you thought it was a buffalo!)
BUFFALOS 41-38


Saturday 15 October

Lafayette at Army
I can’t believe I am actually making this pick…
Kill Me Now
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 28-24

Shorter at North Alabama
That midget should play football with someone his own size….
I’m just saying…
FLORENCE LIONS 44-21

Vanderbilt at Georgia
I was going to say something “positive” here about Vanderbilt…
Their University….
Their Football Team…
Their Hospital….
I will have to get back with you on that one
SMARTER DAWGS 34-13

Montana State at Weber State
Don’t get me wrong….
I like the Boy’s from the Grill and Smoker College
But the Big Sky Cats are just better
BOBCATS 38-21

North Carolina State at Clemson
This old Atlantic Coast Conference Rivalry is called…
“The Textile Bowl”
It’s going to be a good one…For two quarters
DABO’S TIGERS 44-24

Iowa at Purdue
Don’t you just love these Big 10 (or sixteen) Rivalry games?
I know I do!
They always seem to have catchy nicknames with unusual trophies associated with them
This game is no different…
This “rivalry” game is played each year for the…
“Bacon Sombrero”
(I heard it’s quite tasty)
HAWKEYES 34-17

Augsburg at St. Olaf
Interesting historical fact…
There hasn’t been this many Germans gathered together in one place since their exodus to Argentina in 1945.
AUGGIE 24-17

Kansas State at Oklahoma
The one may be close….
But the Sooners are Rolling
BOOMER SOONER 34-17

South Dakota State at North Dakota State
This Battle between the Dakota’s is played for…
“The Dakota Marker”
It’s going to be a good one
MIGHTY BISON 34-28

West Virginia at Texas Tech
Both of these fine university mascots carries firearms…
But I am going with the Boy’s from West Texas in this one
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 41-38

Illinois at Rutgers
This “Big Time” Big Ten (or thirty six) Conference rivalry is known simply by its very simple acronym. This game is called the “WBS Game”
In case you were wondering…
That stands for “We Both Suck”
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 17-14

Southern Arkansas at Ouachita Baptist
I know a lot of people in Southern Arkansas that have been Baptized…
There will be a few more this coming Saturday
GOTCHA BAPTIST 28-24

Minnesota at Maryland
This relatively new Big 10 (or something or another) Conference rivalry
Is played..For the coveted…
“M&M Trophy” representing both teams beginning with the letter “M” of course
Sadly there is no candy associated with the trophy…
O’ SO Very GOLDEN GOPHERS 38-34

Georgia Southern at Georgia Tech
“IF” I were the Yellow Jackets I wouldn’t take this game lightly…
It’s going to be closer (Way Closer) than you might think…
YELLOW JACKETS 34-31

Pittsburgh at Virginia
I would rather stare at an empty aquarium for three hours than watch this game
PANTHERS 31-10

Eastern Michigan at Ohio
The Cats of Ohio are rolling and the Wheels have come off the Eagles bicycle..
Believe it
FRANK’S CATS 38-17

Western Kentucky at Middle Tennessee State
There are a lot of Rand McNally directions in this game…
I’m headed “West”
HILLTOPPERS 34-31

Wake Forest at Florida State
I think this game will be ugly and fast…
How “ugly” you may ask?
It’s going to be uglier than watching ESPN’s Beth Mowins shave her back
(Yeah, it’s going to be that bad)
SEMINOLES 44-14

Chattanooga at Citadel
This game is going to come right down to the wire…
Don’t blink
MIGHTY MOCS 34-31

Kansas at Baylor
The Jayhawks couldn’t beat a group of first graders….
Who ironically did in fact beat the Jayhawks last week during a controlled scrimmage
DA BEARS 171-3

Alabama at Tennessee
It is….
“The Third Saturday in October”
And that means…
“War”
CRIMSON TIDE 34-31

Southern California at Arizona
I will be far too busy watching the “above” game to concern myself with this affair
Sorry
TROJANS 41-38

West Florida at Delta State
My beloved Okra has been getting fried lately…
They are ready this Saturday
Believe it
FIGHTING OKRA 31-17

New Mexico at Air Force
Doesn’t the United States Air Force have bombing ranges in New Mexico?
I thought so…
MIGHTY FALCONS 41-21

Northwestern at Michigan State
I simply cannot get enough of these Big 10 (whatever the number is this week) rivalries
This old time rivalry is played for the “Feisty Lemur Monkey”
(Be careful, those things are poop slingers)
SPARTANS 34-14

North Carolina at Miami
I really (really) want to go “Upset” Special here…
It’s going to be so very close…
TAR HEELS 28-24

Georgia State at Troy
I don’t believe Ole Troy is going to have a hard time putting the cats in the litter box
I’m just saying…
MEN OF TROY 34-17

Sacramento State at Montana
California verses Big Sky Country…
You know my pick already don’t you?
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZ 41-21

Arkansas Monticello at Henderson State
It’s important to remember the tried and true philosophy on this one…
Weevils don’t wobble, but they do fall down”
REDDIES 34-17

Nebraska at Indiana
One question….
Hoosier Your Daddy?
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 34-13

Virginia Tech at Syracuse
I have no idea why I am making this pick..
Other than the fact Thanksgiving is next month
HOKIES28-17

Missouri at Florida
I hate to sound vindictive….
But will all the ongoing protest about everything in Missouri..
The gators can’t beat them bad enough to suit me..
Just saying
MIGHTY GATORS 34-17

Florida Atlantic at Marshall
There is nothing quite like a fall day in Huntington West Virginia for a football game..
Believe it
WE ARE MARSHALL 41-38

Ole Miss at Arkansas
Last years contest was one of the most exciting games of the season…
And “Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator” picked the “Upset”
I’m going for two in a row…
HAWGS 41-38

Valdosta State at Mississippi College
In case you were wondering there is a sale going on right now…
At “Men’s Warehouse”!
Guess what’s half off?
MEN’S BLAZERS 44-17

Tulsa at Houston
I am still baffled as to why Tulsa is called…
The “Golden Hurricanes”
Listen folks…
Bragging because someone you know peed into the back of a box fan is nothing to be proud of.
COUGARS 44-21

Iowa State at Texas
Please….
In the name of Darrell K. Royal….
Pleaseeeeee
HOOK EM HORNS 38-34

Southern Miss at LSU
Big Mike, this Pick is for You…..
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 38-17

Stanford at Notre Dame
This rivalry between smart kids from elite colleges…
Is played for “The Legends Trophy”
(Temper your enthusiasm, you don’t want to peak before Saturday)
CARDINAL 28-24

Carson Newman at Newberry
For those of you that are either Andy Griffith Fans or leave near Mayberry…
“Newberry” is located near Mt. Pilot…
Just so you know
SPARKS EAGLES 41-38

Ohio State at Wisconsin
There was a time that I thought this was going to be one heck of a game…
That was about six weeks ago…
BUCKEYES 38-17

Colorado State at Boise State
This is going to be one heck of a game….
It may come down to the very last play of the game
BRONCOS 38-34

UCLA at Washington State
This may very well be the “very” best game on television at 0300 Eastern Standard Time
(Sure, it’s the “only” game that’s on at that time, but I’m trying to hype it, ok?)
BRUIN BEARS 34-31

Next Week….

Your Week 8 College Football Picks should be on the wire next Thursday as you might expect, along with some overdue additional articles and few surprises.

So Stay Tuned…

One More Thing….

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement throughout the season…

More news on the release of my book “Sunnyside Up” next week…

Enjoy Your Games

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

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