College Football Picks Week 6

October 6, 2016

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Although we are nearly halfway through the college football season, I would be remiss if I didn’t say my heart and prayers are with my adopted families and friends in Florida, Georgia and South Carolina this week as they brace themselves for the coming storms.

Even though they are all “Southern Tough”

I still worry

It’s what I do

Stay Safe My Friends

Enjoy Your Picks


Weekend Rewind….

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator rebounded from the previous dismal week’s picks faster than Wynonna Judd plowing through a Golden Corral buffet line.

Well maybe not that fast, but you get the idea.

The CFB Wizard finished last week at 46 and 12 or 79%.

Overall Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator stands at 271 and 61 or 82% for the 2016 college football season.

But in all fairness I never thought Indiana could beat anybody much less Michigan State and due to circumstances I can’t explain I picked against the Arkansas Monticello Bo Weevils and to make matters worse…

I was “told” last week, in so many words by my two four legged children to “pick” the Washington Huskies over the Stanford Cardinal, but did I listen to them, “No” I didn’t.

So I could have done slightly better and gotten an “Upset Special” in the process, but all things considered, it wasn’t too bad.


LEADERSHIP 101: Before we get into this week’s college football news let’s take a quick stroll down Leadership Lane.

As of today (Wednesday) Georgia Southern in Statesboro Georgia has cancelled their classes and had already begun their evacuation process, even though their football team is preparing to play an away game at Arkansas State.

Charleston Southern closed their campus yesterday and postponed their game with Albany State scheduled for Thursday night and prepared their campus and students for evacuation in the wake of the coming storms.

Meanwhile across town

At “The” Citadel which is the bastion of military “leadership”….

They couldn’t make up their damn minds about “rescheduling” parent’s weekend that was originally scheduled for this coming Saturday to another date until late (late) this afternoon.

They couldn’t come to any conclusion about evacuation or what to do with the cadets etc.

It just goes to show you that I have been right all along….

You can’t put more than two General Officers in the same room with other senior military officers and ever think you are going to get anything done.

You are Welcome America

MICHIGAN: Congratulations you finally beat a ranked team this year…

MICHIGAN STATE: Seriously, you got beat by Indiana? Indiana….

I got nothing for you…

TEXAS: If Coach Charlie Strong is a “defensive genius” then I’m a Polish Astronaut


LOUISVILLE: Just remember my Cardinal Faithful…

“To Be the Man, You have to Beat The Man”

– Nature Boy Rick Flair

TENNESSEE: Congratulations on the win over Georgia….

But did you really need all eight referees and a replay official to win the game?

It’s a reasonable question….


“IF” I thought the referees incompetence during the Auburn –LSU game was scandalous

(And I did, believe me. They were nearly as incompetent as the Federal Government)

Those bunch of yo-yo’s paled in comparison to the gross incompetence of the umpires refereeing the Tennessee – Georgia game this past Saturday.

Now don’t get me wrong, I whole heartily support hiring people with disabilities

But having two blind guys in the replay booth pushes the envelope of common sense to a new level, if you know what I mean.

On a serious note

That is two weeks in a row that the Southeastern Conference referees cost a team a win.

They better get it together before they become the laughing stock of college football.

And let me say this….

You don’t have much farther to go before you ARE the laughing stock of college football

So get your crap together

LSU: It was reported Monday that LSU’s mascot Mike VI’s cancer has spread….

Mike VI was diagnosed with spindle cell sarcoma this past May and underwent stereotactic radiotherapy on June 1st of this year.

Like so many other times and stories that I and others have written

It looked like Mike had beaten it…

But the cancer is back and it’s aggressive

Mike VI won’t be with us much longer

LSU stated that the search is on for Mike’s replacement….

But I can’t move on from this story

Maybe it’s because of the cancer or maybe it’s because I love that big ole Tiger

Named after “me” by the way, or at least that’s what I tell all my LSU friends and faithful

Maybe it’s hit me so hard because Mike the Tiger is a huge part of the LSU Family.

He isn’t just a “mascot” …

He is family

And if you ever lost a four legged family member, then you know…

You know

You know exactly what I am saying here.


Q: Hey Wizard Man!

Congratulations on the upcoming release of your book!

I know it’s been a long time in the making for you, but I have a question for you that I hope you will be able to answer for me, as I have a dream of publishing my own book one day as well.

What were your goals in publishing a book?

Thank you!

Tammy – Biloxi, Mississippi

A: Thank you for the encouraging email Tammy (and shameless plug) I wish you well in your dream of getting published, it can be a long and bumpy road I will tell you that.

My goals in publishing a book of short stories were simply these….

1. Once I am considered a “published” writer and or author then I can be referred to as “eccentric” and not the current term that is used for me which is…”Crazy as Hell” and or “Crazy as a Texas Road Lizard”.

2. Money is certainly a factor as well; My Black Lab “Doc” needs new chew toys from Tractor Supply and those things aren’t cheap.

3. I want to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show promoting my book so that I can repeatedly refer to her as “Okra” and even when corrected will continue to call her “Okra” and then before the first commercial break be escorted off the stage as her head explodes in frustration.

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard;

I am an English Teacher here in Texarkana Arkansas and I have a perplexing problem brought to me by several of my students that I hope you will be able to assist me with resolving.

I confess that I was unaware of your website and I don’t have any knowledge of college “football” as my husband and I both grew up in Indiana before moving here to accept teaching positions.

That being said my question is this;

As an English teacher I am more than familiar with the term and usage of a “semi colon”

However, several of my students have been discussing the fall of the “Semi-Noles” this past week and I have no basis of knowledge for this English terminology.

Can you help me please?

Thank you

Debbie and Gary – Texarkana, Arkansas

A: Glad to help out…

Up until recently the term “Semi-Noles” was an English legal term synonymous with covering up campus rapes and sexual assaults.

However, currently…

The “Semi-Noles” are known as a football team from Florida State University that has fallen on their collective butts since being highlighted on a cable program on the “Showtime Network.”

I hope this helped….

Q: Hey There Football Wizard!

Hey I got me an idea that is sure to help you get famous with your book!

I done figured out that there is a lot (like a lot) of people that is famous and on the television and they ain’t done nothing more than make them a dang sex tape.

I think that’s what you need to be a doing is to make one of them dang sex tapes!

Then you is going to be famous!

Delia and Reggie – Morgantown, West Virginia

A: To the best of my knowledge they don’t sell “sex” tape at Tractor Supply and even if they did I am not asking which aisle it’s on or what it’s used for.

So, no….

Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard,

You seem to think you know so damn much about football, why don’t you apply for the Head Coaching job at LSU?

You are a dumbass

Anonymous – Auburn, Alabama

A: Thank you “Anonymous” for the heartfelt email….

I am far to busy to apply for the Coaching vacancy at LSU however, I know a 26 year old English teacher at Sardis Middle School in Etowah County Alabama that did apply for the job.

Here is his letter to LSU Athletic Director LSU Joe Alleva;


Dear Mr. Alleva,

I am writing this letter in response to your opening labeled HEAD FOOTBALL COACH FOR LSU FIGHTING TIGERS. I am available immediately and will be happy to coach at 1/4 the salary of your previous coach. I understand money is tight.

As I’m sure you are already aware, I am the 2nd most successful public middle school defensive coordinator in Etowah County. My defense this year has been impetuous, and my style has been impregnable. It is good to have impregnable things when you coach boys going through puberty.

Our defense has been labelled “The Hairless Bears” due to our lack of leg hair and tendency to maul our opponents. We have only surrendered 48 points this year, 28 of which I blame squarely on an inept offensive coordinator. I don’t want to say who he models his playbook after, but it rhymes with Spam Spameron.

I also have impeccable time management. I have managed to be 5 minutes late for work with consistency for the past 5 years.

I will be right at home in Baton Rouge. Although I have lived in Northeast Alabama my whole life, I am a Cajun at heart. I am a regular at a local authentic Cajun restaurant named “Popeye’s” (Pronounced PO-pies). I am a fan of their fresh seafood menu. Their red beans and rice are award winning and among the finest in the world. Just make sure you order your chicken extra mild. The heat is real.

I also put Tony Chachere’s seasoning on everything, including my ice water and communion wafers.

Aside from my culinary expertise, I have also lived a life that helps me fit right into Louisiana. I fell for my common law wife after seeing her expose herself for the honor of plastic beads at Mardi Gras.

Our first child was conceived that night on Bourbon Street. We named him Tabasco to commemorate the occasion. Our second son, Zatarain’s, was conceived in a Krystal’s in January 2012. Thank goodness there was another incident that night that took the attention off us.

I have been preparing for the possibility of this job opening since last year.

My lawn has been carefully eaten the entire summer. I haven’t had a solid bowel movement in 8 months, but I believe that my dedication proves I am the man for the job.

I look forward to hearing from you

Troy Elliott

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t laugh folks…IF the LSU administration is dumb enough to fire Coach Les Miles, then they are dumb enough to hire my buddy Troy.


Wednesday October 5

Georgia Southern at Arkansas State
It must be the low barometric pressure that is causing my intuition to buzz….
I am calling this one an “Upset Special”

Thursday October 6

Temple at Memphis
I am an Elvis Man from way back…
(Thank you, thank you very much)

Western Kentucky at Louisiana Tech
It’s hard to go against the Bulldogs after the week I’ve had…

Friday October 7

Clemson at Boston College
Both of these teams have been the model of consistency all year…
The Tigers have been winning…
And the Eagles have been doing “That other thing”

Southern Methodist at Tulsa
I know that I keep “picking” the mustangs to win…
And they lose
I’m hardheaded, I get it, you don’t need to remind me

Boise State at New Mexico
I think this game has all the potential to be uglier than…
Wynonna Judd at a Chili Dog Eating Contest
BRONCO’S 41-14

Saturday October 8

Tennessee at Texas A&M
The referees for this game better call it straight down the middle…
Texans don’t have much of a sense of humor when it comes to cheaters.

Delta State at West Alabama
I wish there was a fight on “Pay-Per-View” with Okra Winfrey against the Fighting Okra
“Okra verses Okra”
I know that SOMETIMES I wish for too much…
But my money is on the Fighting Okra…

Arizona at Utah
The only thing that would make this game more miserable to watch….
ESPN’s Beth Mowins nasally voice from the depths of Hell calling this game
TWO UTES 31-24

North Dakota State at Missouri State
They say Missouri is the “Show Me State”
The Boy’s from Fargo are going to “show” them a North Dakota ass whipping on Saturday, believe it.

Washington at Oregon
I can’t “right” any wrongs from my picks last week….
But I know my “four legged” kids wanted me to pick the Huskies over Stanford
Here you go kids

California at Oregon State
This game (Believe it or not)
Is too close to call, don’t be surprised if it goes the other way..
I won’t be
O’ So Very GOLDEN BEARS 38-34

Notre Dame at North Carolina State
Let’s be honest with one another here…
We really don’t care about this game

Alabama at Arkansas
I dearly love all my Razorback Faithful…
This isn’t personal
It’s just business

Virginia Tech at North Carolina
The Hurricane is skirting the Carolina Coasts…
I am going with

Florida State at Miami
I wouldn’t necessarily call this “Hurricane” a sign from above for this game
But I will take it

Mercer at Chattanooga
Lord have Mercy! Ole Mercer is going to get his butt kicked!

Cincinnati at Connecticut
As a safety tip….
In the event you are congested with a head cold, please don’t attempt to pronounce “Connecticut” too quickly or you will produce an embarrassing “snot bubble.”
You are Welcome

Arkansas Tech at Ouachita Baptist
My Baptist got dunked in the baptismal last weekend by Harding…
They rebound this weekend
Believe it

East Carolina at South Florida
“IF” this game is played….
It’s going to look like twenty two kids on a giant slip-in-slide
NO BULL 21-17

Texas Christian at Kansas
The Jayhawks are to college football what ESPN’s Beth Mowins is to broadcasting
(Enough said…)

Texas and Oklahoma
“The Red River Rivalry”
It’s them verses us…
It’s oil and water
It’s democrats against republicans
It’s cowboys and Indians
Except, it’s worse

Southern Miss at Texas San Antonio
Don’t get me wrong, I love San Antonio
In fact every morning when I get up, the first thing I do is…
“Remember the Alamo”
But this is business…

Iowa at Minnesota
This bitter old Big Ten (or twenty four) Rivalry is played each and every year..
For the highly coveted…
(Wait for it)
“Floyd of Rosedale”
What it is folks, is a great big ole bronze pig….
(Yeah I know, I was thinking the very same thing)

Maryland at Penn State
Happy Valley isn’t full on Manic Depressive Valley this week…
That full Blown melt down happens next week..

Mississippi Valley State at Montana
Little Known Fact about the Grizzly Bear…
They are the largest Mammal that can stand upright in North America…
Second only to Wynonna Judd

LSU at Florida
This game has been postponed as of the publishing of this Week’s Picks
It’s a shame too…
I was ready for a “Shout-Out” to the “Big Cat”
Hang on Big Mike; I got something for you next week…

Arkansas Monticello at Southern Nazarene
Bo told me last week to go “All Weevil” but did I listen?
I’m listening this week Bo, I am listening..

Auburn at Mississippi State
This matchup is between the “Cats and Dogs”
I am picking this game from my heart….
Not my Prognosticators Mind…
Just so you know
DOGS 31-28

Georgia Tech at Pittsburgh
I really don’t want to pick the panthers over the Yellow Jackets…
It’s a Southern Thing…

Bowling Green at Ohio
Coach Frank’s Cats are for real and they are Rolling…
Call this an “Upset” if you want too…

Houston at Navy
The Midshipmen will keep it close….
For awhile..
Then it’s all….

North Alabama at Florida Tech
I don’t know if this game will be postponed or not….
But it’s going to be close regardless of the weather
Believe it

Iowa State at Oklahoma State
Cyclones and Cowboys….
This week I cannot support any collegiate mascot that is a designated natural disaster.
COWBOY UP! 41-24

Indiana at Ohio State
I just love these Big Ten (or thirty six) Conference Rivalries don’t you?
This rivalry is played for the “Buckeyes Win Again” Trophy….
It’s called that because Indiana hasn’t beaten Ohio State in football since Teddy Roosevelt was President.

Purdue at Illinois
This Old Big ten (or sixteen) Rivalry game is played for the coveted…
“Purdue Cannon”
This is not to be confused with the “Illinois Sphincter Cannon”
Which “Both” teams may win as they each have blown games out of their butts all year

Army at Duke
This game is like trying to decide who to pull for in a war between Iran and Syria

Brigham Young at Michigan State
I have a feeling this game will be closer than the experts might think…
A Lot Closer

Air Force at Wyoming
The Mighty Falcons are undefeated after their victory over Navy last weekend..
Cowboy Down…

Colorado at Southern California
I am calling it here and now….
“Upset Special”

Vanderbilt at Kentucky
This game will be like watching two homeless guys fight each other over a half eaten sandwich. Sure it’s entertaining at first, and then it’s just sad.

Syracuse at Wake Forest
I was going to watch this game….
But it conflicts with my scheduled toe nail clipping
(I’m sorry, life is about setting priorities)

St Olaf at Hamline
In the words of that greatest of all 1990’s urban philosophers “M.C. Hammer”
When he so eloquently stated…
“It’s Hammy Time!”

Texas Tech at Kansas State
This game will close, close, close….
But my money is on Coach Bill’s Cats

Georgia at South Carolina
After this last week of mine…..
I won’t go against the Dogs
I just can’t

Michigan at Rutgers
This relatively “new” Big Ten (or twelve) rivalry is played for the…
“Rooty Toot Toot Trophy”
If you ask me it looks like a Butt Trumpet

Utah State at Colorado State
I think this game is a toss-up as well….
But I am going with the mile high home team in this one

West Georgia at Valdosta State
I still think Valdosta State is missing an opportunity at sponsorship by not taking my idea of accepting the “Men’s Warehouse” as a sponsor…
Just think…
Each pick of the week…
BLAZZERS (Half Off) 38-31

Washington State at Stanford
I think this one is going to turn ugly before the cougars hear…
“And the Rockets Red Glare…”

UCLA at Arizona State
I had every intention of watching this game…
But it’s past my bedtime

Next Week….

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will have your Week 7 College Football Picks out right on time next week. That is unless, Hurricane Matthew decides to head to the RTR Farm, in that case I will be writing your picks from Dear Lodge, Montana.

So Stay Tuned….

One More Thing…

I have a new story I wrote earlier in the week on

It was hard to write…

But I wanted to honor my German Sheppard “Sadie” and do something just for “Her” after everything she has done for me for nearly fifteen years.

“Sweet Sadie” and my Black Lab “Doc” have always been a big part of these picks and in everything I write about, because they are my family.

I hope you enjoy “Her” story


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