College Football Picks Week 5

September 29, 2016
By

Ladies and Gentlemen-

For those of you awaiting either a liver transplant, your prescription depression medication or the insurance adjuster to arrive at your house over the fit of anger and subsequent damage that ensued over last weeks college football games.

Then this article is for you….

But first, please step away from the kitchen knifes and other sharp objects.

Take a deep breath….

And think “happy thoughts”

It’s going to be alright

I promise

Weekend Rewind….

There is no point in trying to “sugar coat” it or put a “Happy Face” on last week’s results from Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.

Let’s just call it what it was….

The results from The CFB Wizards picks last week were uglier than Wynonna Judd’s hammer toes in a pair of open toed sandals.

(Sorry for the visual)

In short….

(And “No” that is not the lead in to a midget joke)

The CFB Wizard posted the worst results (ever) in any Week 4 of any previous college football seasons, as in ever.

(“Yes” it was truly that bad….)

Not only did Your Favorite (or “not so” favorite at this point in the season) NOT get a single “Upset Special” on last weeks picks he also failed to pick the obvious.

(I told you it was that bad…)

That being said Week 4 was a dismal (horrible, terrible, worse ever) 40 and 16 or 71%.

This leaves the shaken and distraught CFB Wizard at 225 and 49 or 82% for the college football season.

Have no fear my beloved readers, It’s time to break out my “lucky” formula to get back on track. In case you were wondering, it involves a brick of Velveeta, my favorite “Best of Slim Whitman” CD and a Sock Monkey.

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t judge me…

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

GOT a SECOND? NOPE….: Did anyone see the last play “live” of the game against the LSU Tigers and Auburn? Not, the “replay’ but “Live”?

Against what many of you may believe or “want” to believe the LSU Tigers did in fact get the last play of the game off before the one second expired.

EDITORS NOTE: Yes they did my friends, yes they did…

You may be saying “NO THEY DIDN’T!”

Listen closely

The play began when the referee blew the whistle to start the clock, correct?

At the sound of the whistle the LSU center snapped the football to the quarterback, you with me so far?

But did you also know…

The referee also waves his arm in a clockwise motion to alert the time keeper, who is also a referee, in the official’s booth to start ‘the clock” because the official in the booth couldn’t hear the whistle to start the clock under the best of circumstances.

Did you know that according to the rule book that the referee’s arm moving to start the clock and the subsequent blowing of the whistle to start the play doesn’t have to be in sync with one another?

You read that correctly, the two actions do not have to be in sync.

Primarily because the waving of the warm takes more time to perform than it does to blow a whistle, are you with me so far?

Essentially, the referees are saying, the delay in between the whistle blowing and or the waving of the officials arm and the ball being snapped to the quarterback rendered the subsequent game winning LSU touchdown null and void.

Then why didn’t the referees and line judge call the game “over” at the snap of the ball?

After all, that is Their JOB, right?

The back judge SOLE responsibility at the beginning of a play is to watch the game clock and the snap of the ball, yet there was no problem, right up until LSU scored.

Right?

Why did they wait until (after) LSU scored the game winning touchdown?

Are we to believe then, that there are no longer anymore one second plays in college football based on this game? Because unless the offensive center is in sync with the referee blowing his whistle (arm waving etc) to start the play, then the play may theoretically be a nanosecond behind the whistle (arm waving etc).

Does that negate the play?

These are questions that need to be answered sooner than later, but one thing is for sure.

The LSU Tigers got screwed out of a victory

One more thing….

How did the Auburn players and coaches know the outcome of the “official review” before the referees announced it?

Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE REFEREES:
I haven’t seen the likes of refereeing in the Conference the past two weeks since the days of the infamous Penn Wagers.

Has the word “consistency” been deleted from the official SEC Referee Handbook?

How about “fairness”, is that gone too?

So targeting on one play isn’t targeting on another play?

Is there one second on the clock or not?

Or does it matter if the other team scores before you “take a look at it”

Have all you referees selected your favorites and or cashed your checks?

These questions need to answered before things get out of control.

Because in all honesty…

You are making me wonder if Penn Wagers is in charge of the conference referees.

LSU: So let me be absolutely sure I have this correct….

You fired the second most successful football coach in LSU Tiger history with a 114 wins and 34 loses, with two (2) National Championship games appearances, one (1) National Championship and two Southeastern Conference Championships all within 12 seasons.

Seriously, after four games into the season, really?

Really?

Have any of you ever taken a look at say….

What happened at Nebraska when they fired Coach Frank Solich?

If not, then you really should….

Or the debacles at Alabama after Coach Stallings retired….

Maybe you should look at what happened at Oklahoma before Coach Stoops arrived

Shall we talk about the University of Texas?

How about what happened to the University of Southern California?

Or about what happened after Ohio State fired Earle Bruce?

Remember the Michigan Wolverines “after” they fired Lloyd Carr?

How did that whole Rich Rodriguez thing work out for the Wolverines?

The list of collegiate administrative screw-ups with coaches throughout college football is legendary and epic in their proportions, so am I to believe you don’t have a “History” Department at LSU?

And you have to give him 11 million dollars (in this economy) because you fired him?

Am I to believe Louisiana State University is an institution of higher learning?

Sounds like you have some damn educated idiots running the place if you ask me.

But one last question….

Do you have any jobs there, where I can be paid a bunch of money if you fire me?

Because I can screw up a two car parade when given the opportunity.

COACH LES MILES: We are going to miss you Coach, thanks for the memories…

NOTRE DAME: You lost to Duke, in football?

Seriously, you lost at HOME under Touchdown Jesus and all that to DUKE?

AND you started out the season in what, the TOP Ten?

I bet I know who voted for the Irish to be in the TOP TEN before the season…

It’s the same idiot who gave Michigan a number one vote although they haven’t beaten a ranked team all season.

Mystery solved

OKLAHOMA STATE: Damn It….

ARKANSAS: Double Damn it…..

FLORIDA: “Note to Self”, please don’t “Trash Talk” unless you can back it up…

I’m just saying…

TENNESSEE: Please note the following…..

Tearing down your own goal posts and digging up your football field after a victory says only one thing…

“We aren’t used to winning”

EVERGREEN STATE UNIVERSITY: It’s about time during this college football season to re-introduce the weirdest and creepiest mascot in all of college athletics.

EDITORS NOTE: And before you ask “Yes” that is their actual fight song…

Evergreen State

EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS

Q: Dang Mister Wizard!

Did you ever suck in your picks last week!

Sounds like you got a little cocky from your recent success and it went straight to your head!

Bob – Panama City, Florida

A: Well, Bob you are partly correct

I wasn’t exactly cocky from the picks a week ago…

The fact is I was still cock-eyed after listening to ESPN’s Beth Mowins, also known as the nasally voice of Satan’s Bride from the previous week and that alone caused me to pick incorrectly on various games as I wasn’t seeing the picks correctly.

(The Doctor’s said it would be week’s before we would know if there was any permanent damage to my ear’s or optic nerves, it’s a waiting game at this point)

Q: Congratulations CFB Wizard on Your upcoming Book!

We were pleased to read about the upcoming release of your book and are really looking forward to it! Thank you so much for keeping us up to date on the book and its release!

Will you sign a copy of your book for us?

Sincerely

The Montgomery Family-Tupelo, Mississippi

A: Thank you so much for the kind and encouraging email…

I truly do appreciate it.

I will be honored to sign the book for you, immediately after you purchase it…

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t judge me, my two four legged kids need new chew toys..

Q: Dear Sir!

I have a rather off-the wall question that does NOT involve college football!

I am considering buying one of the “new” Smart Cars, but my question is simply this; although they espouse to get excellent mileage, etc. They are quite small and rather cramped. So my question is this…

Why do they call them “Smart Cars”?

Thank you and Good Luck throughout the Sports Season

Richard – Richmond, Virginia

A: To answer your question Dick, on why the “powers to be” named that particular vehicle a “Smart Car”…

It involved numerous surveys on consumer feedback and ideas from the automotive industry giants.

The “Smart Car” was given its current name after the original name for the vehicle, although the description and name was more accurate was scrapped…

The original name of the vehicle was “O’ HELL We are ALL Going to DIE” car

Q: What the damn Hell Mister Wizard, what the damn hell???????

William – Athens, Georgia

A: I feel you Big Dawg, I feel you……….

Q: Hey CFB Wizard man!

We was a ll a wondering when the Number One Tennesse Volunteer Fan on the Planet (Hootie Snitch) was a going to give a us a Big Orange Report on the Big damn Victory over them gators last weekend?

Bobby T’s Auto-Garage – Strawberry Plains, Tennesee

A: The self described “Number One Tennessee Volunteer Fan on the Planet”, otherwise known to you readers as Hootie Snitch will return next week.

Apparently in a failed attempt to bring down one of the Tennessee goal posts last weekend, between the third and fourth quarters I might add, Mr. Snitch was tazered by Knoxville Police and is currently convalescing in his doublewide trailer in Baneberry, Tennessee and will return once the “shock” wears off.

THE GAMES

Thursday September 29

Connecticut at Houston
Poor Huskies…
It seems like a long way to fly to get your ass kicked
COUGARS 51-17

Mississippi College at Delta State
I’m an Okra Man from way back….
(Ask anybody)
FIGHTING OKRA 31-28

Kansas at Texas Tech
The Red Raiders have been shooting blanks lately…
Not this Night…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 38-10

Friday September 30

Stanford at Washington
Most prognosticators are calling for an “Upset” here…
Not Me…
CARDINAL 34-28

Toledo at Brigham Young
Believe it or not….
(And after last week, I don’t blame you if you don’t believe it)
This one will be a shoot out
COUGARS 41-34

Saturday October 1

Notre Dame at Syracuse
This game will be nationally televised on NBC….
Which stands for “No Body Cares”
NOT so FIGHTING IRISH 3-2

Chattanooga at East Tennessee State
In case you were unaware Chattanooga is the home of the “Moonpie”
I believe in it’s power…
(It’s magical)
MIGHTY MOCS 34-21

Alcorn State at Arkansas
You know what they say…..
“Even a blind hog can find an alcorn in the woods every now and again”
HAWGS 44-10

Baylor at Iowa State
The cyclones couldn’t generate enough wind to qualify as a good shrimp fart
(I’m just saying…)
DA BEARS 51-17

Stevenson at Misericordia
I have come to the conclusion that you cannot pronounce that last colleges name unless you have a speech impediment.
OLE STEVE 24-14

Cal Poly at North Dakota
This pick is for the NCAA speech and mascot Nazis
FIGHTING SIOUX 28-24

Florida at Vanderbilt
Maybe (Just maybe) the gators won’t blow this lead…
GATORS 31-14

Texas at Oklahoma State
I am incapable of picking against my beloved Longhorns against any team from Oklahoma, sorry…It’s a Texas Thing.
HOOK EM HORNS 38-34

Illinois State at North Dakota State
Two words….”Fargo Dome”
Enough Said….
MIGHTY BISON 34-31

Rutgers at Ohio State
Not that it’s all that important in the context of this game…
But you know what a “fun” word to say is?
“Kombucha”
It’s fun to say even when you are alone…
Never mind
BUCKEYES 44-10

Northwestern at Iowa
The Wildcats should have stayed in the litter box this week…
HAWKEYES 38-10

Central Florida at East Carolina
I know, (I know) I have picked the pirates two weeks in a row and they got smoked like a two dollar cigar. This is their last chance with me…
PIRATES 31-28

Southern Methodist at Temple
Please ponies, just this one time….Please, I am begging you.
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-31

Miami (FL) at Georgia Tech
Coach Mark Richt didn’t lose to Tech much when he was at Georgia..
And he won’t lose this one either
HURRICANES 31-17

Virginia at Duke
If someone tells you that The CFB Wizard watched this game…
You have my permission to call them a liar
BLUE DEVILS 6-3

Moravian at Ursinus
O’ Great….
Morons are playing a college known for an unusual Sinus and Urinary track infection..
Kill Me now…
MORONS 6-3

Montana State at Sacramento State
I was trying to think of something “positive” to say about California…
Let me get back with you on that one
BIG SKY BOBCATS 33-24

Buffalo at Boston College
I would watch this game, I really would….
But my Macaroni Art Class meets at the same time
On an unrelated side note I am making a decorative and tasteful macaroni interruptive rendition of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 38-31

EDITORS NOTE: I know, I know…I need to get out more.

Oregon State at Colorado
This games has “Beavers” and “Buffalos”….
That sounds like a strip club featuring really big women dancing
Sorry, I made my self sick there for just a minute
BUFFALOS 28-24

Navy at Air Force
Two undefeated service academies go to “war” at the foot of the Rocky Mountains…
It’s going to be a good one..
GO NAVY 38-34

Louisiana Monroe at Auburn
Monroe should have taken the time to think about this game before he scheduled it…
He really should have…
WAR DAMN EAGLE 38-17

Tennessee at Georgia
I wish I had better news for my Bulldog Faithful….
But I don’t
VOWELS 34-17

Lenoir Rhyne at Carson Newman
Can’t this college get its name right for once….
It’s LeAnn Rimes, NOT Lenoir Rhyne!
Wait, maybe that’s her sister, let me check on that and get back with you
SPARK’S EAGLES 41-38

North Carolina at Florida State
To be perfectly honest….
This game may be a lot closer than you might think
A Lot closer
SEMINOLES 34-31

Wake Forest at North Carolina State
I can’t help but wonder if the Wake mascot was named after Beth Mown’s father?
(You have to admit the family resemblance is uncanny)

WakeForestMascot

DEMON DEACONS 28-17

Akron at Kent State
I don’t know if this constitutes a “sign” or not, but there was a half naked old man in Tractor Supply when I went by there this morning.
GOLDEN FLASHES 41-38

Oklahoma Baptist at Arkansas Monticello
I would pick the mighty Bo Weevils in this contest….
But I know that Oklahoma Baptist would threaten to drown me in the baptismal.
BAPTIST BISION 28-24

Purdue at Maryland
Honestly?
I would rather watch two possums fight over a sweet potato in a metal garbage can than watch this game.
MULTI-COLORED SEIZURE UNIFORMED TURTLES 5-3

Wisconsin at Michigan
I am calling it here and now….
“Upset Special”
THE POWER OF CHEESE 31-28

Southern Utah at Montana
I consulted my Rand McNally Atlas and discovered that “Southern Utah” is actually Arizona. I cannot (and will not) support any college or university based upon a lie.
Sorry….
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-17

Illinois at Nebraska
It thrills my soul to watch the Mighty Cornhuskers return to their winning ways…
I will be “Happy Happy Happy” this Saturday
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 34-14

Minnesota at Penn State
Happy Valley is more like Depressed and Despondent Valley lately…
O’ SO Very GOLDEN GOPHERS 31-24

Kansas State at West Virginia
The undefeated Mountaineers remain that way through yet another week….
And you know what that means?
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 28-24

Texas A&M at South Carolina
This game is going to be uglier than ESPN’s Beth Mowins nasally voice reciting the alphabet (Yes, it’s going to be that bad)
GIG EM AGGIES 45-17

Oklahoma at Texas Christian
Call this one an “Upset” if you want too….
I still believe in the “Boomer Sooner”
BOOMER DAMN SOONER 34-31

Utah at California
I am sure this game is important to somebody somewhere…
I just don’t know who they are or where they are…
TWO UTES 41-38

Memphis at Ole Miss
I am still confused over this whole Ole Miss “Black Bear” Rebel mascot thingy
What makes their Black Bear a “Rebel”?
He doesn’t get along with the other Black Bears?
Does he smoke cigarettes and comb his hair back?
Does he wear a leather jacket and ride a motorcycle?
Does he listen to alternative music?
I’m confused…
REBEL BEARS 45-28

Ouachita Baptist at Harding
Harding has had the Baptist’s of Ouachita number the past couple of years…
But to paraphrase a Hank Williams Sr. song…..
It’s time Harding” Saw The Light”
GOTCHA BAPTIST 38-34

Kentucky at Alabama
I have some rather strong feelings about this game…
Which I will not share here
I will however, say this…
“IF” the score below was accurate, it still wouldn’t suit me
CRIMSON TIDE 267-0

Rice at Southern Miss
The Owls from Houston will be seven points down before Friday night…
(Yeah, that early…)
Believe it
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-10

Houston Baptist at Western Kentucky
If I were the Boy’s from Western I would be careful…
Those Baptist from Texas carry handguns and know how to use them..
HILLTOPPERS 44-17

South Florida at Cincinnati
These two teams are evenly matched….
(In Prognosticator lingo that means)
Neither of them is all that “good”
BEARKATS 33-24

West Georgia at North Alabama
A correction needs to be made here….
There is no such thing as “North” Alabama, but “Upper Alabama University” just doesn’t have the same ring to it, if you know what I mean.
FLORENCE LIONS 41-24

Western Michigan at Central Michigan
This game between these two fierce rivals is always a good one…
But this year, both of these teams are good, really good.
It should be one heck of a game
BRONCO’S 38-34

Marshall at Pittsburgh
I hate this for the Mighty Thundering Herd…
I truly do
PANTHERS 38-21

Missouri at LSU
Coach Les, this one is for you….
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-17

Louisville at Clemson
This is THE marquee match-up of the weekend
These are two of the Top 5 College Football Teams in the Country
With that being said…
I have two points to make here:
(1) The game is in Death Valley….
(2) In the immortal words of the worlds greatest professional wrestler…
“Nature Boy Rick Flair” when he so eloquently stated;
“To be the man you have to beat the man”
It’s going to be close, But I still believe “the man” is…
DABO’S TIGERS 45-41

Michigan State at Indiana
The Hoosiers couldn’t beat up a snack pudding and a pack of baloney
SPARTANS 41-14

Arizona State at Southern California
This pick may go against conventional wisdom…
However I have never been either “wise” or “conventional”
TROJANS 34-31

Oregon at Washington State
Behind the Music with “M.C. Hammer” is going to be on VH1
Or I would watch this game…
I know what you are thinking…
“I am too Legit to Quit”
QUACKS 44-24

Utah State at Boise State
There will be scoring in this game than Bill Clinton at an Interns Convention
BRONCO’S 45-44

Wyoming at Colorado State
I am leaning towards the Cowboys here….
But it’s going to be close, either way
RAM TOUGH 28-24

Arizona at UCLA
I have often wondered “IF” a “Bruin” Bear is a Bear that brews his own beer.
Why the heck didn’t Ole Miss choose a beer drinking bear instead of a “rebel” bear?
It makes no sense to me…
BRUIN BEARS 38-34

Next Week…

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator will have Your Week 6 College Football Picks out next week on Thursday, as always.

So Stay Tuned….

One More Thing….

You have a “new” story on MikeRights.com that despite the title has nothing to do with zodiac signs or the sign of the times we live in.

It’s entitled “What’s Your Sign?”

I hope you enjoy it and get a good giggle out of it.

There will be more news on the release of my upcoming book next week as well.

And if I have forgotten to mention it lately

Thank you all for your encouragement and support

I truly appreciate it

Enjoy Your Games

RTR
THE CFB WIZARD

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