Ladies and Gentlemen –
I know many of you are already distraught this early in the season.
But it’s no time to start swimming laps in the anxiety pool.
Take a deep breath….
Change into your “lucky” game day gear
(The sweaty old ones, not the new ones with the tag still on it)
Tighten that chin strap….
And Hunker Down….
It’s time to get serious
Enjoy….
Weekend Rewind….
Before we address last week’s statistics and picks…
I would like to think that you know Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator well enough that despite picking a number of significant “Upsets” last week, that bragging is the furthest thing on the agenda this week.
The CFB Wizard is far too humble for such self indulgence.
O’ sure The CFB Wizard was the only College Football Prognosticator to pick the Mighty Cornhuskers over the Oregon Ducks.
(You are Welcome America)
And certainly other than Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator, who would have thought the Bison of North Dakota State would have “Upset” Number 13 Iowa.
(Nobody outside of Fargo North Dakota, except ME that’s who)
Then there was the “Upset” of Western Michigan over Illinois….
The “Upset” and subsequent spanking of Louisville over Florida State
And “Yes” The CFB Wizard even picked the Spartans of Michigan State over the golden gnomes of Notre Dame.
EDITORS NOTE: O.k., I was bragging just a little bit there, I admit it….
But its weekends like the past one that could easily vault me in the top spot for the coveted “Ferlin Husky Southern Sports Writing Award”
(It’s very prestigious, so don’t judge me please)
That aside….
Last Weekend Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was 53 and 11 or 83%
Overall after three weeks The CFB Wizard is a rather astounding 185 and 33 or 85%
And might I add here…
Please control your unbridled enthusiasm and adulation towards The CFB Wizard
I am far too humble and shy for such uncontrolled praise.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
LOUISVILLE: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
TEXAS: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!
(But not for the same reasons as the above)
POLLS and RANKINGS: This should be appropriately titled…
“What’s in a number?”
The College Football rankings came out this past Sunday Afternoon, did you see them?
The Michigan Wolverines received (1) One first place vote….
Really, after they haven’t played a single ranked team all season?
My question is this:
Who is this mysterious voter and why is he (or she) even allowed to vote?
Biased much?
Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?
MICHIGAN: Speaking of the “mighty” Wolverines….
If you saw the Wolverines game last week against the unranked Colorado Buffalos, then you saw the sideline camera catch Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh apparently engaging in a rather bizarre and disgusting “good luck” ritual known in the Michigan Polish community as “Wrangling a Dangler” and subsequently eating it to ward off “bad luck”.
Please see the photographic evidence of Coach Jim the “Dangler Wrangler” below….
EDITORS NOTE: Look folks don’t be mad at me I don’t make the news, I just report it.
TELEVISION COMMERCIALS: I was under the misguided impression that once someone “retired’ from football that we “might” see then again appear in a commercial or two or even be a “guest” in an ESPN segment or be a part of a “special” portion of a studio for a pregame section.
Apparently I was wrong.
Is there any commercial that Peyton Manning isn’t in?
From car insurance to baby diapers to pizza he plugs everything under the sun, all the while with that look on his face like he just smelled a fart in an elevator.
The only product Peyton Manning should promote is Preparation H, because he is still a pain the ass.
VANDERBILT: I have received numerous emails over the last couple of weeks asking this simple question….
“Did you see all the Vanderbilt fans holding up four fingers when the forth quarter begins in last week’s game, what’s that all about?”
The answer is simple my inquisitive college football fans….
The “four fingers” the Vanderbilt coaches, players and fans are displaying at the start of the forth quarter of their respective games has nothing to a sign of dominating their opponents in the forth quarter of the contest.
It is a sign to the stadium vendors that they want “two hotdogs and two cokes”
NORTH DAKOTA STATE – IOWA (THE GAME): For those poor unfortunate souls…
That tuned into this epic game…
Remember that I warned you in advance
And for those of you that may be blissfully unaware of what I am referring too.
I am not referring to my “Pick” of an “Upset” by the Mighty Bison
I am however referring to the “commentator” of the game
The voice of Satan’s Bride
ESPN’s Beth Mowins
I know that you brave listeners who didn’t heed my advice from last week are now suffering through the trauma and mental anguish of being a victim of ear rape.
I am terribly sorry my friends
But I warned you
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Dear Sir,
I am Jennette Reyes Washington Schmidt-Jung il. I have been officially sanctioned by Harvard University to inform you, that the demeaning, derogatory banter you promote regarding teams of lesser talent than Alabama is disgusting and borders on defamation.
It is apparent that you don’t believe in competition for the sake of competition. Events such as football should be enjoyed by all and celebrate the participation of all athletes, no matter what school you represent. These well-built, toned, muscular boys work for months prior to the season. The toil, the sweat clinging to their bulging biceps, their jersey’s clinging to their cut, masculine chests and biceps, should let you know that participation is what should be glorified.
It should be the spirit of competition with their muscular lats, chiselled buttocks, and well conditioned legs churning and undulating on the field of play, swarming and rubbing their bodies against one another, in an attempt to….
Uh, so, uhhhh…. you should ceased and desist all derogatory commentary regarding teams you deem inferior
Jennette Reyes Washington Schmidt-Jung il
Cultural Appropriations Studies
Harvard University
A: You kind of worked yourself into lather there didn’t you Jenny?
Q: Hey College Football Smart-aleck,
I saw what you put on your so-called “website” a week ago.
Ooooooooo, you’re a big man aren’t you?
Putting pictures of me without my shirt on and trying to pull some kids pants down aint exactly cool, buddy. I mean, I stay out of the sun on purpose so that whenever I go somewhere and play some shirts and skins football, I’m ALWAYS skins and my lack of skin tone let’s everybody know where Jimmy “Hardball” Harbaugh is at all times.
And before you start poking away from all the Michigan decommits let me tell you something. Every single one of those kids had a shot at a sleepover with the “Hardaball”.
I mean, I can’t help if their parents thought it was creepy for a grown man to sleep with their boys. But for crying out loud, there was always a pillow between me and the supple, smooth bodies of their kids. So, don’t go blowing anything out of proportion anymore Bama Boy.
I might just be down in your neck of the woods trying to pick up some kids for our “foster roster”.
Jim “Hardball” Harbaugh
Head Coach
University of Michigan
A: Coach the only thing that would make you any creepier would be if you drove an ice cream truck and wore Buddy Holly glasses.
Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard;
My name is P.J. Fleck, and I am the head coach of Western Michigan University. As you might have read recently, two of our players were arrested for armed robbery, possession of a weapon and other offenses which trouble my very soul.
As you can imagine, we in the Western Michigan community were shocked that two of our student athletes would be caught up in illegal activities such as this.
I want you to know, and to convey to the college football world that we are taking measures to ensure that nothing like this happens in the future. I have addressed the team and I told them actions such as this are embarrassing to the team, the University, and to the great state of Michigan.
I mean, look, let’s be honest, we’re not a Notre Dame or Ohio State. We are a responsible institution of higher learning who won’t tolerate such actions. Thank you for the forum.
P.J. Fleck
Head Coach
Western Michigan University
A: Look at the bright side Coach, if they are kicked out of Western Michigan they will always have home at Auburn University.
Q: Dear MISTER Wizard MAN!!!
I ain’t sint ya nothin in a while so I knowed ya missed me and here I am!!! Lemuel from Ludowici!!! Let me tell you something Mr Wilzerd Man.
These here Georgia Bulldawggggs is chompin at tha bit ta git after them some rebel bares from ole Miss. Man, we just know we got a good team cause we aint got near as many players spended like we did under coach Marc Rich. I’m tellin you one thing Mr Wizard, WE AINT GONNA BE MEDIOKRA NO MORE!!! I”m seein a natural champeenionshift run this year so BAMA WATCH OUT!!!
What do ya thank a that MR WITZER MAN!!???
GGOOOO DAWWWGGSSSSZZZ!!!!
Lemuel from Ludowici
A: What do I think?
I think you need to “discover” “spell check” that’s what I think
Q: Dear CFB Wizard;
Let’s say that I am (hypothetically) a head coach of a rather well known team in, let’s say…. the Southeastern Conference. Now, I know it is somewhat unorthodox for a (hypothetical) head football coach to consult a mere college football blog writer for an opinion, but I swear, I don’t know where else to turn.
See, this team which I am intimately familiar with had this plan going into a game on the first Saturday that was from… let’s just say somewhere in South Carolina. And that plan was that, if 2 quarterbacks might give the opposing team fits, then 3 will drive them absolutely crazy.
Well, as you can imagine, the only people it drove crazy was my hypothetical offense and most of the hypothetical fans in attendance.
So my question is, if you were the hypothetical coach of this hypothetical team, which hypothetical quarterback should start next week? I mean, my hypothetical job is depending on your answer
Thanks,
Gustaff Malazonski
Hypothetical U
Hypothetical, Alabama
A: My “hypothetical” recommendation for you coach is to just continue to use the same process you have used for the past two years as seen below.
Q: Dear Collegiate Football Magician,
I have been asked various times about my job.
Tiger Stadium is a great venue as are the coaches and kids that I coach. I have been placed on a plane that I wasn’t on and only know that I will go to work and go to victory.
I want to put this to rest and enjoy my job and my young men I have enjoyed coaching.
No one understands the exquisite pleasure I take in being the LSU coach but it isn’t just about grades or discipline it revolves around projections of victories that our fans can enjoy. I will close with this from Coach Schembechler. “Les, you don’t want to be a coach. Way too hard.”
And I’ve striven to coach like I didn’t want to coach so that’s what I do and will continue to do.
Thank you
Les Miles
Head Coach
Louisiana State University.
A: I’m sorry Coach you lost me, what was your question again?
THE GAMES
Thursday September 22
Clemson at Georgia Tech
This fierce and bitter rivalry within the Atlantic Coast Conference is always a good one..
Tonight will be no exception..
DABO’S TIGERS 31-24
Fairmont State at Alderson-Broaddus
I think it’s terrible that an institution of hiring learning feels the need…
To point out…..
That Alderson has a Broad Ass…
I can’t support this kind of bullying…
Friday September 23
Wyoming at Eastern Michigan
Ride Em Cowboy….
COWBOYS 28-24
Texas Christian at Southern Methodist
As was erroneously reported two weeks ago…
This game is actually the “Battle for the Iron Skillet”
I fear it’s going to be a bad day for my once proud ponies
HORNED FROGS 41-17
Southern California at Utah
O.k. stop me if you have heard this one….
“So Two Utes and a Trojan walk into a bar…”
No wait; that sounded kind of nasty, I’m sorry
TROJANS 34-31
Saturday September 24
Washington at Arizona
I am under some kind of contractual obligation to my Black Lab “Doc” and my German Sheppard “Sadie” to pick “dogs” over “cats’ in any contest outside the Southeastern Conference. Sorry…
HUSKIES 34-31
Mars Hill at Carson Newman
Although the Eagles have let me down the past two weeks and hurt my average
(“Yes” there are times it is “all about me”)
I still believe in…
SPARKS EAGLES 41-31
Georgia at Ole Miss
Call this game what you will….
I am calling it an “Upset Special”
BIG BAD DAWGS 34-31
Nevada at Purdue
For those of you that are looking for a mid-morning game to take a nap too…
This is your game…
Yawn….
BOILERMAKERS 6-3
Samford at Chattanooga
I am calling it here and now….
The Boys from Chattanooga WILL make the Playoffs this year
You herd it here first
MIGHTY MOCS 38-10
San Jose State at Iowa State
This game has the potential to be really close….
Not that, I in any way care, because I don’t
CYCLONES 31-28
Charlotte at Temple
Poor Charlotte, she has been beat up more than Tina Turner was by Ike
HOOTERS 34-10
Iowa at Rutgers
I don’t care, the University of Alabama is about to kickoff…
Sorry……
HAWKEYES 38-17
Kent State at Alabama
Sweet Home Alabama
CRIMSON TIDE 38-10
Montana at Cal Poly
I don’t know if “Polly” wants a cracker, but they will certainly get a Montana butt kicking in this one, believe it.
GIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 38-14
Florida at Tennessee
It’s going to close…
(Real Close)
Don’t leave your seat….
(Well, unless you have to, you know…)
MIGHTY GATORS 28-24
Colorado at Oregon
I am going “Upset” on this one…..
(And “NO” I am not drinking either…)
BUFFALOS 41-38
West Florida at Valdosta State
A commercial for “Men’s Warehouse” just came on television…
I think it’s a sign..
BLAZERS 38-21
Florida State at South Florida
This game is going to be uglier than Wynonna Judd’s hoofs in a pair of sandals…
SEMINOLES 141-10
Colorado State at Minnesota
This game will be way closer than you might think…
Believe it…
O’ SO very GOLDEN GOPHERS 31-21
Wisconsin at Michigan State
This old Big Ten (or whatever…) rivalry is always a fight to the finish
Hang on, this one will be epic.
SPARTANS 31-28
East Carolina at Virginia Tech
O.k. so I missed the Pirates upset of South Carolina last weekend…
I read your emails all of them….
I was wrong, I get it…
It’s an “Upset Special” this weekend
PIRATES 28-24
Ouachita Baptist at Northwestern Oklahoma State
I thought Northwestern Oklahoma was New Mexico?
I’m confused…
GOTCHA BAPTIST 31-21
Syracuse at Connecticut
I would rather stare at an ant farm for three hours than watch this game…
URANGE 3-2
Wagner at Boston College
I will be honest with you…
That vacuum cleaner college football team sucks…
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 44-10
North Dakota at Montana State
This one is going to be a fight from start to finish but in the end….
I am going with the boys from Big Sky Country
BOBCATS 28-24
Garner Webb at Ohio
I think Garner’s parents should be contacted by Child Protective Services…
He has been getting his ass kicked by everybody lately..
I’m just saying
FRANK’S CATS 41-17
Miami (OH) at Cincinnati
This Battle on the Ohio River is for one of the most coveted trophies in all of Ohio
It’s played each year for the “We Wish We Were Ohio State Buckeyes Trophy”
(It’s very prestigious)
BEARKATS 38-17
Boise State at Oregon State
I just have a feeling about this game….
I hope that “feeling” is not from the ill prepared Mexican food I had last night..
(If you know what I mean)
BRONCO’S 34-31
Brigham Young at West Virginia
Nothing says the coming of autumn in Morgantown West Virginia…
Like the smoldering aroma of burning couches…
LIGHT THOSE COUCHES!
MOUNTAINEERS 31-23
Duke at Notre Dame
Before you ask….
“NO” I don’t care
GOLDEN GNOMES 41-17
Shorter at Delta State
I don’t think this Shorter fellow measures up in this contest.
I’m just saying…
FIGHTING OKRA 34-14
Mississippi State at Massachusetts
I know exactly what those boys from Mississippi are thinking while they are in Massachusetts…”Those people up there sure do talk funny”
BULLY DOGS 38-14
Arkansas Tech at Arkansas Monticello
I wish the great Bo Jackson’s middle name was “Weevil”….
Then I would have the opportunity to write a very clear and humorous antidote to this game. I know, sometimes I wish for too much.
BO WEEVILS 28-17
Pittsburgh at North Carolina
This game may be more interesting than the other so called experts think….
It will be close…
TAR HEELS 34-24
Delaware State at Missouri
Well Missouri finally won a game…
Imagine that..
MO’S TIGERS 55-10
Vanderbilt at Western Kentucky
I wouldn’t necessarily call this one an “Upset”
If you know what I mean…
HILLTOPPERS 24-17
North Alabama at West Alabama
This bitter rivalry has gotten worse and worse over the years…
It’s going to be close…
FLORENCE LIONS 28-24
Central Michigan at Virginia
I definitely wouldn’t call this one an “Upset”
And neither should you…
CHIPPEWA’S 28-17
Penn State at Michigan
YIPPEEEEE!
The Wolverines Defeat another unranked Team!
Film at Eleven!
WOLVERINES 34-14
Wake Forest at Indiana
This late afternoon collegiate contest is “perfect” to take nap by…
You are Welcome…
HOOSIERS 3-2
LSU at Auburn
The misery continues on the Beautiful Plains of Alabama….
Sorry Gus…
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-17
Houston at Texas State
“IF” you are big fan of massacres then you will LOVE this game…
COUGARS 63-10
New Mexico State at Troy
Not that it’s all that important now….
But next week I will write my “Helen of Troy Alabama” story
It’s worth the wait, believe me
MEN OF TROY 38-14
Nicholls at South Alabama
I wouldn’t give you two cents for Nickels…
JAGUARS 38-24
Georgia Southern at Western Michigan
This game has all the makings of a shoot-out….
This was in no way a reference to the ever growing crime problem in and around Detroit, just so you know….
SOUTHERN EAGLES 41-38
Louisiana Tech at Middle Tennessee
I missed the Blue Raiders pick last week….
I make up for it, this Saturday
BLUE RAIDERS 41-24
Army at Buffalo
My Dear Friends….
The End of the World is near….
West Point is going to win four games in a row..
(“Yes” I said in a row…)
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 7-6
Missouri State at Kansas State
The Big Cats lick their wounds this weekend before the always difficult Big 12 (Light) conference schedule begins.
BILL’S CATS 41-14
Nebraska at Northwestern
I am officially on the “Cornhusker” Bandwagon….
I just don’t hope I don’t get thrown off this weekend
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 34-14
Oklahoma State at Baylor
No, this is “Not” a Basketball score….
COWBOY UP! 58-56
South Carolina at Kentucky
Common consciences would say that the wildcats will take this game…
I however am unable to pick the wildcats due to circumstances beyond my control
Sorry…
GAMECOCKS 34-31
Stanford at UCLA
I truly wish I cared about this game, but I don’t
CARDINAL 31-17
Louisville at Marshall
My Lord, this is going to be uglier than watching a girl from West Virginia attempt to shave her legs.
BOBBY’S BIRDS 206-14
Bowling Green at Memphis
The Falcons from the Green are Welcomed to Heartbreak Hotel…
(“Yes” I snarled my lip when I wrote that, it’s all a part of being a Prognosticator)
ELVIS’S TIGERS 41-38
Southern Miss at Texas El Paso
Despite missing my pick on the Golden Eagles last week…
I still have faith…
GOLDEN EAGLES 38-17
Arkansas at Texas A&M
I didn’t stutter….
HAWGS 38-34
California at Arizona State
I would be interested in this game BUT, the history of cheese is on the History Channel at the same time….Sorry.
DA BEARS 33-31
Air Force at Utah State
I would call this one a mild upset….
Much like what the ill prepared Mexican food did to my lower intestine last night..
FALCONS 34-31
Next Week…
Your Week 5 College Football Picks will be out right on time next week along with another “new” article for your viewing pleasure on MikeRights.com, so stay tuned my friends
And….
Keep The Faith
One More Thing….
The long (very long) awaited book from yours truly will be out after Thanksgiving of this year by Page Publishing entitled “Sunnyside Up”
Thank you all for your support and encouragement and one last thing…
The book will make an excellent Christmas gift and or stocking stuffer this year for your family, friends and co-workers, and “yes” that was a completely shameless plug.
(But seriously, buy it…I’m serious)
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD