Ladies and Gentlemen –
In the words of that great Texas singer songwriter Willie Nelson..
“I am on the road again”
However unlike Willie I am not traveling in a multi-million dollar bus with a hookah pipe, a Sam’s Club size zip lock bag of marijuana and an oversized bag of Cheeto’s.
But we do have one thing in common….
We are both smoking down the highway as you are reading your picks.
No Need to Thank Me..
It’s How I Roll (Tide)
Enjoy….
Weekend Rewind……….
Before the less that stellar percentages are unveiled from last weekend of Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator, it’s important to note here, not as an excuse, but as a statement of fact, that last weekend The CFB Wizard suffered through perhaps the worse fate known to mankind.
This horribly painful and might I say egregious event affected not only my performance in prognostication, but now my Black Lab “Doc” refuses to chase squirrels and my German Sheppard “Sadie” will not even acknowledge my presence.
Yes it’s that bad….
Perhaps that’s why The CFB Wizard was a pitiful 60 and 12 or 83% last weekend, leaving your once Favorite College Football Prognosticator at 132 and 22 or 86% after two weeks in the 2016 College Football Season.
“I wonder what happened”, you may be asking yourself….
I will tell you what happened…
Painful though it may be (still) I will tell you
Because you need to know
I will tell you because you might be able to save yourself and your family and loved ones from the physical and emotional trauma I experienced this past Saturday.
You see…
I was traumatized, physiologically and emotionally scared, my worse nightmare, my worse fear had come to fruition on Saturday afternoon. It’s like PTSD, except worse…
It’s like PPPTTTSSDDDDDDDDDDDDDD…
Before you ask, “NO” it wasn’t my screw-up over the Baylor / Southern Methodist game; I knew that wasn’t the game for the “Iron Skillet”, but subconsciously that “screw up” can be contributed to the sensing of the coming disaster. I am sure of it…
And “NO”
My Saturday of wailing and gnashing of teeth had nothing to do with the Central Michigan’s win over Oklahoma State, although I think that’s ridiculous that referees can make mistakes that costs teams victories and titles without any repercussions.
NO, it didn’t have anything to do with the fact Northwestern lost “again” to yet another Junior College specializing in Muffler Repair.
NO, it had nothing to do with Kansas losing to a Hair and Cosmetology College, that’s to be expected.
And “NO” it doesn’t have anything to do with Wynonna Judd threatening to attack my vehicle like a runaway Rhino; I get those threats once a week.
Please be patient with me and I will tell this painful story…
My College Football Game day started like any other….
The Alabama Crimson Tide was scheduled to kickoff at 1430 Central Standard Time and I was ready, as a seasoned Tailgater should be. My Black Lab “Doc” and My German Sheppard “Sadie” were in their appropriate places for kickoff.
All was right with the world…
Then it “happened”
The “voice” of the college football commentator came across the ESPN channel…
And then I knew….
I was going to be violently “Ear Raped”
The voice was that of “Howling Beth Mowins” of ESPN
It couldn’t be…
Please Lord; tell me this isn’t happening…
My Black Lab “Doc” yelped like he had been hurt when he heard the sharp shrill voice of Satan’s Bride come through my television and “Sadie” the German Sheppard was already in the process of evacuating the living room, but had time for one long painful howl before she disappeared to the back of the house.
The voice….
Sounded like someone was neutering a cat with a shrimp fork…
Or possibly strangling a possum with a piano wire….
Maybe it was the screeching sound of dying rabbit being devoured by a bobcat
But what it actually was, was the voice of Satan’s Bride
Please don’t think I am in any way over exaggerating.
I am not.
It’s not just the fact her voice could (and does) peal paint for a thirty mile radius, or the fact she won’t shut the hell up for two damn seconds.
EDITORS NOTE: WE CAN SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING ON TELEVISION! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL US DUMBASS!
Certainly all of these things are indeed horrible.
But you couple her “voice” with never shutting the hell up for two seconds with her innate ability to weave the most nebulous facts throughout her “commentary” (if that’s what you want to call it) and how she over-pronounces the letter “R” like a demented Spanish Teacher on crack cocaine then you have an afternoon of hell like you never imagined.
If you think I am in any way over exaggerating or being sensitive to this horrible (egregious) here is an actual exchange that took place during last Saturday’s game in Tuscaloosa.
MOWINS: The CRRRRRRRimson Tide are lining up with RRRRRRRRichardson as the slot receiver in the formation. RRRRRRRRRRichardson also likes to eat fruit roll-ups and is enrolled in spoRRRRRRRRRRts management classes.
EDITORS NOTE: Meanwhile the play is fifteen yards down field and she is STILL talking!
MOWINS: That play was good for fifteen yaRRRRRRRRRRRRRRds and a FiRRRRRRRRRRRRRst down for the Alabama CRRRRRRRRRRRRRimson Tide.
EDITORS NOTE: KILL ME RIGHT DAMN NOW!
MOWINS: Alabama’s HaRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRis is bRRRRRRRing in a play from the sidelines, his favoRRRite ice cRRREam is staRRRRRawbeRRRRY sheRRRRRbuRRRRT and his motheRRRRR works in his high school cafeteRRRia.
EDITORS NOTE: I have NEVER advocated violence towards women…EVER.
Except in this case….
So please don’t make the same mistake I did…
“IF” the sound of Beth Mowins ever enters the sanctity of your home
Hit the mute button, unless you want blood to pour forth from your ears, and other orifices and your family, loved ones and four legged children to be horribly scared for life.
You are Welcome America
THE GAMES
DISCLAIMER: In all fairness, I am still emotionally distraught from last weekend.
So in the event, these Picks are somehow disjointed or don’t make any sense Please forgive me, I have been through quite an ordeal. Thank you for your patience.
Thursday 15 September
Houston at Cincinnati
Not that it’s all that important here….
But my ears are still bleeding from last weekend
COUGARS 34-24
Friday 16 September
Baylor at Rice
The Rice Owls are to college football as Beth Mowins voice is to elevator music
DA BEARS 216-3
Arizona State at Texas San Antonio
I love San Antonio…
In fact….
The first thing I do every morning is…
“Remember The Alamo”
SUNNY DEVILS 44-10
Saturday 17 September
Ohio at Tennessee
Do I think this game will be closer than the experts predict…
In fact, yes I do….
VOWELS 31-17
Delta State at West Georgia
I am not a fan of that talk show host “Okra Winfrey”
But other than that I like every kind of Okra on the Planet
Even the Fighting Kind…
FIGHTING OKRA 31-28
Iowa State at Texas Christian
The Cyclones couldn’t generate enough wind to be considered a decent popcorn fart
HORNED FROGS 41-24
Akron at Marshall
Three words for you….
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-17
New Mexico at Rutgers
The truth is….
Nobody cares about this game….
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 7-3
Middle Tennessee at Bowling Green
I am not particularly proud to say this….
But I think the Boy’s from Ohio will give the Blue Raiders the Bird in this one
FALCONS 38-34
South Carolina State at Clemson
The Mighty Tigers of Death Valley will unveil the offense that has been MIA for two weeks, Believe it….
DABO’S TIGERS 41-14
Carson Newman at Catawba
What kind of name is “Catawba”?
It sounds like something you hack up after a lung infection…
SPARK’S EAGLES 41-24
Florida State at Louisville
Doctor Joe, this “Upset Special” is for you….
BOBBY’S BIRDS 33-28
Temple at Penn State
Neither of these teams resemble themselves from last year…
It’s all too confusing
NITTANY LIONS 28-14
Kansas at Memphis
I doubt very seriously that the Jayhawks could beat the Breaux Bridge Vietnamese Hair and Nail Salon. Never mind, they got beat by them last weekend…
Sorry…
ELVIS’S TIGERS 38-10
Augsburg at Gustavus Adolphus
There are two things you can count on when this many German’s get together in a confined space. (1) There will be a great deal of alcohol consumed..(2) There is a good possibly that Poland will be invaded before the afternoon is over….
GUSSY 24-21
North Dakota State at Iowa
I am calling it here and now….
“UPSET SPECIAL”
MIGHTY BISON 24-21
Georgia State at Wisconsin
Behold the Power of processed Cheese Products!
CHEESE MEN 44-10
Miami (FL) at Appalachian State
I often wonder when the weather people “downgrade” a Tropical Depression, doesn’t that mean the weather system has a low self esteem, it’s just depressed occasionally, what???
Tell us something!
(I’m sorry, I took that topic way too seriously)
HURRICANES 34-14
St Olaf at St John’s
I recognize, that I often pick St. Olaf to win and they subsequently lose…
I pick them for one very important reason…
The name makes me laugh…
And before you ask…
“YES” I am that easily amused
ST. OLLIE! 24-21
Vanderbilt at Georgia Tech
“Smart Kids with slide rules play football, Film at Eleven…”
YELLOW JACKETS 44-14
Virginia at Connecticut
I don’t care and neither do you….
Somebody 17-10
Idaho at Washington State
Another week for Idaho and another week getting their potatoes mashed
Yippee
COUGARS 38-10
Florida Atlantic at Kansas State
Before the toss of the coin, the Florida boys are going to be down two touchdowns..
BILLS CATS 41-17
UNLV at Central Michigan
In their native tongue, “Chippewa’s” means….
“Win game, last second by tossing ball around and make big wampum”
Ironic to say the very least…
CHIPPEWA’S 34-17
San Diego State at Northern Illinois
I wish I could say that I cared, but that would be a lie…
YANKEE DOGS 28-24
Colorado at Michigan
Before this game we will all have to endure countless (countless) replays of when Colorado beat Michigan with a last second Hail Mary pass to win the game 25 years ago.
This one won’t be nearly that exciting….
As in “Not at All”
WOLVERINES 41-17
North Alabama at Valdosta State
I know many may consider this an “upset” pick
I will be upset if the Lions don’t win..
So there you go..
FLORENCE LIONS 38-34
Oregon at Nebraska
Before you even ask or send me any emails about this pick…
“NO” I don’t consider this one an “Upset”
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-24
Alabama at Ole Miss
The Rebel Black bears of Oxford have defeated Alabama two years in a row..
This one is going to be close…
So Very Close…
CRIMSON TIDE 34-31
James Madison at North Carolina
Poor Jimmy, he is going to get his ass kicked…
I hate that, because his wife Dolly makes the best little mini donuts
TAR HEELS 41-14
Pittsburgh at Oklahoma State
The Cowboys got screwed last week by the Zebra’s…
(Sorry, that sounded like a dirty Disney movie)
No such luck this week
COWBOY UP! 38-17
South Florida at Syracuse
This game is a toss up….or a throw up, take your pick
URANGES 31-28
Arkansas Monticello at Arkansas Tech
I’m with the great Bo Jackson on this one….
And you know what “they” say…
“Bo Knows Weevils”
BO WEEVILS 28-24
Boston College at Virginia Tech
Despite the fact the turkeys blew a fourteen point led last week…
I still believe….
Primarily because Fall Turkey season is right around the corner…
(Please don’t attempt to question my logic here)
HOKIES 28-14
Western Michigan at Illinois
I’m sorry I had to change the cotton balls from my ears…
Damn Beth Mowins and her screeching voice from the depths of Hell
BRONCO’S 31-28
New Mexico State at Kentucky
I wish the Aggies could slip by the Cats, I truly do….
There are times I just wish for too much
(Like when I wish Beth Mowins would contract a deadly form of laryngitis)
KITTY CATS 7-6
California Davis at Wyoming
My Hero’s have always been Cowboys….
COWBOYS 38-14
East Carolina at South Carolina
To my Beloved Gamecock Faithful readers, fans and friends…
I’m sorry…
PIRATES 28-24
Northern Colorado at Colorado State
I have a good friend that just bought a Dodge pickup truck…
I think this is a sign from above
RAM TOUGH 44-21
Western Oregon at Montana State
Wait, isn’t “western” Oregon the “Pacific Ocean”?
These people are liars; I can’t and won’t support them..
BOBCATS 33-17
Old Dominion at North Carolina State
In an effort to rebound from last week’s embarrassing loss, the Wolf Pack are planning on beating up a geriatric guy named “Dominion”. That’s despicable
WOLF PACK 34-17
Louisiana Monroe at Georgia Southern
This game will be a tussle in Statesboro until the fourth quarter then it’s all…
SOUTHERN EAGLES 34-21
Delaware at Wake Forest
Thinking of the Wake Forest mascot just reminded me….
ESPN’s Beth Mowins is a Demon from Hell
(It’s just word association folks, that’s all it is…)
DEMON DEACONS 31-24
Maryland at Central Florida
I wish Beth Mowins would stare at the Maryland uniforms until she had a seizure and couldn’t speak again, as in ever…
What? Too Harsh?
MULTI-COLORED SEIZURE TURTLES 41-38
Navy at Tulane
Question….
“Are Green Waves too difficult for the United States Navy to navigate upon?”
The answer is…
Are you kidding me?
GO NAVY 44-14
Liberty at Southern Methodist
The great Patrick Henry once stated so eloquently….
“Give me Liberty! Or Give me the Mighty Mustangs!”
I will take the Mustangs….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 34-17
South Alabama at Louisiana Lafayette
You are probably thinking I am going to make some reference about what makes “Cajuns” “Raging”….It’s Beth Mowins voice, mystery solved.
JAGUARS 31-24
Louisiana Tech at Texas Tech
I do love mascots that carry firearms….
It’s Americana at it’s very best
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 44-21
Troy at Southern Miss
Poor Troy….
He is about to get introduced to a South Mississippi ass whipping
GOLDEN EAGLES 34-17
Mississippi State at LSU
Nothing says a good old fashioned backyard brawl like a fight between…
“Cat’s and Dogs”
I’m Going with Mike in this one..
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 28-24
Chattanooga at Furman
Who names a college in the South “Fur Man”?
What, was the guy some explorer, trapper?
I don’t get it…
MIGHTY MOCS 31-17
Texas A&M at Auburn
There will be rumblings in Auburn’s Jungle when this one is over..
GIG EM AGGIES 34-28
Army at Texas El Paso
“IF” Army wins three games in a row….
It will be the first time since the Spanish American War….
(Don’t be mad at me, it’s a historical fact)
MINERS 28-24
Texas State at Arkansas
WHO Picked the Mighty Razorbacks to Beat the Horned Frogs last weekend?
Only, Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator, that’s who!
(In case you were wondering…Yes that was a shameless plug)
HAWGS 41-10
North Texas at Florida
The “Mean Green” will be reduced to a “Grumpy Lime” before the first quarter is over..
(Not a bad analogy for a guy that’s colored blind)
MIGHTY GATORS 38-10
Michigan State at Notre Dame
This Old Big 10, something or another regional thingy rivalry is played for the coveted…
“Megaphone Trophy”
In case you were wondering….
It looks like a road construction road cone attached to a block of wood
Yipeee
SPARTANS 31-28
Georgia at Missouri
Interesting factoid…
Missouri is known as the “Show Me State”
And I am guessing they get “Shown” a Georgia Ass Kicking on Saturday
BIG SMART DAWGS 34-14
Ohio State at Oklahoma
This is “The” Game of the week…
And ironically this is also the first time that the “mighty” Buckeyes have played a ranked team since last year.
BOOMER DAMN SOONERS 31-21
Duke at Northwestern
This game would be a lot more interesting if they compared SAT Scores…
I’m just saying…
BLUE DEVILS 24-14
Southern California at Stanford
As I understand it, this is some sort of rivalry in the “land of the fruits and the nuts”
I think they are playing for a sack of (all natural) Trail Mix…
CARDINAL 28-24
Portland State at Washington
My Black Lab “Doc” and my German Sheppard “Sadie” are insisting I make this pick
HUSKIE DOGGGGGS 44-10
UCLA at Brigham Young
I have a feeling on this one…
I just hope that “feeling” didn’t come from that hot dog I ate at the gas station an hour ago….If you know what I mean
COUGARS 31-24
Utah at San Jose State
I love the “Two Utes” jokes, don’t you?
Ok, so Two Utes walk into the ESPN studios and kill Beth Mowins…
Stop me if you have heard this one before…
TWO UTES 41-38
Texas at California
I am really hoping this is the final score in this game…
Just like I am hoping Beth Mowins husband is a deaf mute and she is unable to reproduce
HOOK EM HORNS 38-21
Hawaii at Arizona
Typically I make a reference to “Dog the Bounty Hunter” when Hawaii plays…
Today I just want him to arrest Beth Mowins for Ear Rape…
WILDCATS 38-10
Next Week…
After I complete my perscribed therapy, my bleeding ear drums heal and I take all my medication for the trauma that I experienced last week, I will have your week 4 college football picks out next week, as you would expect.
One More Thing….
If I haven’t thanked you loyal readers for taking time out of your busy schedules to read The CFB Wizard and MikeRights.com this year I need too.
Thank you for your readership, comments, encouragement and the occasional disagreement. I write this for you, all of you….
Thank you, Thank you all
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD