Ladies and Gentlemen-
The Days are counting down until the opening kickoff of the 2016 College Football Season and in case you were wondering…it’s 44 days away until the first game of the season.
The Hawaii Rainbow Warriors kickoff against the California Endangered Species (due to climate change, global warming and reruns of “The Golden Girls”) Golden Bears
Now if that doesn’t excite you…
Maybe the third installment of “The Best of The CFB Wizard Part III” will get you moving.
Enjoy….
PREGAME SPEECHES
We all enjoy hearing the motivational pre-game speeches
This pre-game speech of yesterday has always been one of my favorites.
If this doesn’t get you motivated, then nothing will……….
“Your fathers and your grandfathers are the ones who fought their fathers.
These men playing against you today are soldiers.
They are the Long Knives.
You are Indians.
Tonight, we will know if you are warriors.”
Glenn “Pop” Warner, Head Coach of the Carlisle Indians, pre-game pep talk to Jim Thorpe and the Carlisle team before the game with the Cadets of West Point.
The CFB Wizard’s Football Etiquette 101
Since we had such a rousing response last week examining collegiate fight songs, we will take a last look at a few more.
GEORGIA TECH – “White and Gold”
There really isn’t anything quite like singing about ritualistic murder to get a crowd all lathered up during the big game, as in the first stanza of “White & Gold”.
“We will drop the battle axe on Georgia’s head, CHOP! Down on the farm there will be no sound..”
GEORGIA TECH (continued) – “Ramblin Wreck”
I am not exactly sure why someone would want an engineer that professes to be a drunken wreck; it certainly didn’t work for the captain of the Exxon Valdez. But in the first couple of lines in the “Ramblin Wreck”, we learn that,
“Like all the jolly good fellows, I drink my whiskey clear, I’m a ramblin Wreck from Georgia Tech and a Hell of an engineer.”
CLEMSON – “Tiger Rag”
Two-dollar words and an interesting review of South Carolina geography is discussed in this motivating fight song in the very first stanza;
” Long ago way down in the jungle…”
EDITORS NOTE: This must be close to Savannah….
“Someone got an inspiration for a tune and that jingle came from the jungle…Though it’s just the growl of the tiger ..It was written in a syncopated way.”
EDITORS NOTE: Syncopated? What does a foot fungus have to do with anything?
TEXAS A&M – “The Spirit of Aggieland”
We learned last week that a disturbing trend in mispronounced words and animal gurgling sounds are used in A&M fight songs, but this particular tune boasts the rather unusual image of overall clad warriors marching to battle, in the last stanza of the fight song;
” Farmers Fight! Farmers Fight! Fight-Fight! Farmers, Farmers, FIGHT!”
I have a hard time picturing the cast of “Green Acres” marching off to war.
TENNESSEE – “Rocky Top” Part II
I want to close this chapter one last time to address this illiterate vowel favorite, where the last stanza, which was the inspiration for the movie “Deliverance”, Boasts;
” Once two strangers climbed old rocky top, lookin for a moonshine still, strangers ain’t come down from rocky top, reckon they never will.”
You wonder why I caution you all not to drop your wallet anywhere near ObKnoxville.
MASCOTS and FIGHT SONGS
TENNESSEE
Before we unveil the “new” University of Tennessee dog mascot it is important to do a quick review of the universities current mascots.
In no particular order the University of Tennessee mascots:
Mountain Man: Despite the fact they are neither the “Mountaineers” nor the “Mountain Men” this hasn’t stopped the University from having a student dressed like Fess Parker as Daniel Boone running along the sidelines with a musket.
Orange: Although the only fruits that are grown in the state of Tennessee are more of the “two-legged” variety, we all know, the university doesn’t have an official nickname after this tasty citrus fruit, but it hasn’t prevented the University from having a student arrayed in a foam rubber “Orange” costume to delight the crowd on the sidelines of Volunteer football games.
Student (Male) Smokey: Even though the universities athletic teams aren’t called the “Bulldogs”, “Pluto’s” or “Hound Dogs”, the university has a lucky student in a foam rubber costume of a dog leading the crowd in cheers at all the university athletic events.
Student (Female) Smokey: Please see description above…
As an added note: the University was concerned what the perception of having a “single” Foam Rubber “male” dog might look to the alumni and fans so they decided to have a “female” counterpart Foam Rubber Dog costumed mascot to accompany the male.
EDITORS NOTE: This idea replaced the first idea of an accompanying mascot…
The First Idea was to neuter the male foam rubber costumed mascot….
I understand there is a pending lawsuit…
Now Ladies and Gentlemen….
The Winner of the “new” Tennessee Dog mascot is…..
A tie…..
The three hounds pictured below were selected, as was described by the University of Tennessee Athletic Department, as having….
“The Look of the Tennessee Volunteer Fan Base….”
Enjoy….
COLLEGE FOOTBALL FANS “DO’S” AND “DON’TS”
There appears to be some confusion as to my recent articles concerning what one should and should not wear on college football game day.
So I want to take a moment to address the proper etiquette relating to game day attire
This may save some of you a lifetime of embarrassment and ridicule…
So please pay attention….
Gentlemen….
“IF” you are considering going without a shirt and painting your chest for game day
Please follow the flowing guidelines
Take off your shirt and look in the mirror….
Ask yourself; “Do I look like a female Shar Pei that just had a litter of puppies?”
If the answer to that all important question is “yes”….
Then just say “NO”…
Please see the picture below of an Oklahoma State Cowboy fan that clearly didn’t heed my advice.
NCAA and COLLEGE MASCOTS
Last week we identified a number of mascots that should be eliminated due to their being so horribly hurtful or offensive. I don’t want to rehash them all, it’s just too painful. But what about those mascots that are just plain ridiculous or stupid? Shouldn’t they be examined and scrutinized as closely as their offensive counterparts?
Let’s take a quick look at some of them, shall we?
WILLIAMS COLLEGE is known as The PURPLE COWS.
Now, this college is in Massachusetts, which may go along way to explain why they think a Purple Cow would frighten an opponent.
PRESBYTERIAN COLLEGE is known as the BLUE HOSE.
If you think I am going to take this opportunity to make some references to scantly clad women walking the streets in cold weather, well, you are wrong. I just won’t go that low, at least not until late in the season. But I bet their cheerleaders really stand out on the sidelines.
WHITTIER in Southern California is known as the POETS.
Yeah, you read it right the first time: The Poets. Only in California could you cause a stampede by yelling, “Everybody RUN! Here come the POETS!”
Other confusing university mascots of note include….
LEHIGH UNIVERSITY: BROWN and WHITE
This particular “mascot” if you will, is an illustrated example of northern colleges without any imagination.
Either that or it is in reference to the President of the Universities underwear after a night of ill prepared Mexican food.
(Sorry for the visual)
CAMPBELL UNIVERSITY: CAMELS
The best I can determine after a number of hours of research, this mascot is a reference to their Homecoming Queen of 1915.
EDITORS NOTE: To make matters worse the name of the mascot is “Gaylord” the Camel. You read that right the first time.
COASTAL CAROLINA UNIVERSIY: CHANTICLEERS
Honestly, I don’t know why a university would choose to name their team after something that sounds like a form of herpes.
WILLIAMS COLLEGE: EPHS
I am not entirely sure, but I think “Ephs” is a reference to a form of epilepsy.
If you’ve ever seen them play football this explains a lot.
KENT STATE: GOLDEN FLASHES
The Kent State mascot is an embarrassing reference to the Senior Citizens Home located adjacent to the football stadium were disoriented senior citizens would wander over during games and disrobe.
EARLHAM COLLEGE: HUSTLIN’ QUAKERS
Despite evidence to the contrary I am convinced this mascot is a reference to the preponderance of televangelist that grew up in the surrounding area.
In case you were wondering how I derived at this conclusion, it’s because their mascot looks like Jimmy Swaggart after a weekend bender.
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Help! My son is showing signs of anti-social behavior and is beginning to exhibit signs that he is becoming of all things an Auburn Fan!
I don’t know what to do! Can you please help?
Steve – Baton Rouge, Louisiana
A: I have compiled a list of a few books that I hope will help with your situation.
“Understanding Mental Retardation” by Patricia Ainsworth
“Primer for Parents of Slow Children” by Jackie Wright
“Forced Exit: The Slippery Slope from Assisted Suicide to Legalized Murder” by Wesley J. Smith
Q: Dear Mister Wizard
If you could have one wish, would it be for “World Peace” or “Ending World Hunger”?
Flower – Coronado, California
A: Neither….
It would involve a Deaf Mute “Super Model” that owns her own chain of liquor stores…
Q: Dear Sir –
What is with naming the Iowa football team the “Hawkeyes”?
Is naming a football team after an animal body part something new?
I’m just wondering
Thanks
Jerry – Jefferson City, Missouri
A: This is nothing new Jerry.
For example, Tennessee decided to go with “Volunteers” because they felt “Possum Rectums” was too hard for the fans to spell…….
Also, the University didn’t want the fans producing “Cook Books” on how to prepare their own mascot….
Which would be in bad taste…
No Pun Intended.
Q: Dear Mr. College Football Wizard Person;
Sir, as a High School Teacher in Southern California, I can tell you that your characterization of the Aztec’s mascot last week was inaccurate and insulting.
The Aztec’s “may” have resorted to human sacrifice, but only after being driven to that despicable act by White American Males who killed their Penguins, started the Vietnam War and began the terrible tradition of leaving toilet seats up all around the world.
Ms Davis – Marshall – Johnson – Diaz – Los Angeles, California
A: I think you forgot to mention how we enslaved the Panda’s, melted the Polar Ice caps and killed all the unicorns….
Q: Greetings Kind Sir!
My name is Dusty and I am part of what I believe is the first and only Conch Shell Barbershop quartet in America!
We are called Conchelicious!
We perform such favorites as “How Dry I am” and “Workin on the Railroad,” But instead of singing those classics….the four of us play the notes on Conch Shells!
People Love it!
Last week we performed at the Beautiful Life Assisted Living Center and they went nuts!
There may have been a bra thrown our way, we’re not really sure what it was, but it had lace on it.
Anyway, my question is this…
Do you think there is ANYWAY that Conchelicious could play the National Anthem at a Georgia Tech Home game this year?
Just give it to us straight…
Dusty and the Boys – Atlanta, Georgia
A: I’m sorry, what?
Q: Dear Sir –
I have a question that I hope you can help me with.
I recently bought this lawnmower that says it’s “Worry Free”.
Yet I STILL worry ALL the time, about all kinds of things, like whether sippy cups are really safe, the GNP of Liechtenstein and the number 81.
My question is this, should I take the lawnmower back? I am STILL worrying!
Does this mean the lawnmower is defective?
Thanks!
Chip – La Jolla, California
A: And some of you readers actually wonder why I think all things California are “weird”
Q: Dear CFB Wizard-
When you aren’t writing what do you enjoy doing?
Just wondering!
Thanks!
Holly – Biloxi, Mississippi
A: Thanks for asking Holly….
I enjoy long walks on the Beach…
And poking dead things with a stick….
Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
We are studying American Indians in school!
What would you say your American Indian name would be?
Thanks a lot!
Sharon – Victoria, Texas
A: Good question Sharon…..
I would have to say my American Indian name would be…
“Runs with Beer”
Q: Helloo! I want you know that I enjoy article here!
I read each week!
You inspire me to follow my dreams!
I inspire to be the FIRST Asian Ghost Buster!
YES!
So I go back to Hong Kong and follow my dream!
Chang – San Francisco, California
(Hong Kong!)
A: SOOOoooooooooooooooo………….
Who you gonna Crawl?
Q: Dear Mr. Wizard –
I have a question for you…
Why do they call Pittsburg State the “Gorillas”?
Thanks!
Chuck – Abilene, Kansas
A: Have you ever seen their Cheerleaders?
I rest my case….
Q: Hey, I got me a question!
My sister has what the doctor calls “Web” feet.
Does that mean if we hook her up to a computer, that
We is gettin our own “Web”-“site”?
GO VOLS
Stu – Pikeville, Tennessee
A: So Stu…
How close do you live to the Nuclear Power Plant?
Just wondering…
Q: Dear Sir –
Since Coach Phil Fulmer has left the University of Tennessee, could you please find it in your heart to relay a “good” story about Tennessee Volunteer fans?
Please?
Melanie – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee
A: Sure Melanie…
One afternoon a University of Tennessee student was given a ride by a guy in his big Lincoln Continental…
The student noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and he asked..
“What are those things for?”
The guy said, “They’re to hold my balls while I drive.”
“Damn!” exclaimed the Tennessee student…
“These Lincoln Continentals have Everything, don’t they?”
EDITORS NOTE: This never gets old for me…
Q: Dude, do you think this is the year USC will go undefeated in the PAC 12 and win the National Championship?
Thanks Bro
Jelly – Santa Clarita, California
A: USC isn’t in the PAC 12 dumbass…..
That is the University of South Carolina and they are in the Southeastern Conference
And in case you were wondering…
USC was an established university when still Mexicans ran California….
(I guess some things never change)
One more thing…
What kind of damn name is “Jelly”?
Q: OMG! You know Matthew McConaughey? Like for real?
You said he was your friend! Like OMG!
Can you please, please get me his autograph?
I LOVE him!
Please!
Tammy – New Orleans, Louisiana
A: Matthew warned me this would happen….
Q: Dear CFB Wizard –
You strike me as a philosophical man….
So I have to ask you…
Is the Hokey Pokey what it is really all about?
Thanks….
Ryan – Washington, D.C.
A: Well Ryan, it all depends on what your definition of “Hokey Pokey” is…
However, I will tell you….
Be careful using that term if you are traveling in or around the San Francisco area…
It takes on a whole different meaning there…
And as an added safety tip….
If you drop your wallet in that city, I would suggest you kick it to Reno Nevada before you pick it up…
Q: Hey there young Man!
I am 87 years young…
And I live at the Sunset Rest Retirement Village here in Tallahassee.
All of us enjoy your college football website and love catching up on all the various stories you write.
When we aren’t reading your column we enjoy the many activities they have for us here.
Most all of us go to the recreation area and exercise while watching “Sweating it Down with Coach Bobby B.” That darn Coach Bowden even talks us through some kind of dance they call “Popping and Locking”, I believe it’s something they call “break dancing”.
Anyway, It’s time for exercise class…..
Thanks Again!
William – Tallahassee, Florida
A: Thank you for the kind letter….
But I feel obligated to say this…
William at your age you don’t want to do any dance with the word “Break” in it…
And as a side note….
“Popping and Locking” may very well lead to “Cracking and Snapping”….
Q: Dear Mr. Wizard
I think I may be able to help you and our readers with a vexing problem.
I recently conducted a lecture on Dielectrophoretic Manipulation of Nanoparticles,
And it occurred to me….
The sycophantic arguments on the College Football Championship format can easily be disproven utilizing a mathematical theory similar in structure to the theory of Hydrodynamics.
What do you think about my hypothesis?
Dr. Timothy – John Hopkins University
A: Honestly….
I didn’t understand a damn thing after “Dear Mr. Wizard…”
Q: Dear sir –
I took exception to your characterization that “all people up north” dress like Nanok of the North for football games. For your information we have four seasons in North Dakota and we don’t always dress in winter clothing.
Sincerely –
Rob – Bismarck, North Dakota
A: I would have expected a letter like this from somebody in Columbus Ohio…
But from someone in NORTH DAMN DAKOTA, are you kidding me?
You don’t have four seasons in North Dakota, you have TWO seasons.
Winter and Fourth of July….Enough said…
Next Week…
Have no fear my loyal readers there is more on the way next week as we countdown to kickoff of the 2016 College Football Season, so stay tuned…
There is a lot more on the way
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD