The Very Best of The CFB Wizard

June 30, 2016

Ladies and Gentlemen –

In all fairness I didn’t think I had been gone “That Long”…

But apparently I had been gone longer than I thought

It seems just like yesterday people knew which bathroom to use.

People knew when they woke up in the morning if they were a man or a woman.

And the Pope still pulled for Notre Dame.

Evidently a lot has happened in my absence.

That aside, as we prepare for the 2016 College Football Season, it’s time to take a look back over the many years of some of The CFB Wizard’s finest moments.

The next few week’s I hope you enjoy the “Best Of” The CFB Wizard.

Kickoff is right around the corner….


How to Make College Football Better….

Before we get started I have a few Ideas I would like to share with you..]

Now I know what you are thinking….

“Here we go again…..”

Hardly my dear friends and fellow college football fanatics…

I am not here to institute “Change”…..

But only to solidify those traditions in the game that we have lost or are losing

I have composed a brief list of those things I would like to see to make our beloved College Football Season better…

We don’t need a room full of talking bobble head doll commentators to tell us what we ALREADY know, nor do we NEED them to hype a college football game for us…



2. Introduce the football players before the game.
Or better yet, let them introduce themselves, like they did “back in the day…”

I want to know…

Where they are from, what year they are in college and what they are studying…


Because some of these kids are the ONLY people in their family to attend college or the ONLY people from their towns that ever went off to college.

Those kids and their families and those little towns deserve that recognition.

3. Believe it or not there is nothing wrong with having an invocation before a football game. In fact asking the All Mighty to keep anybody from getting killed during the football game does not constitute “an endorsement of religion” despite what the gibbering idiots on the Supreme Court want you to believe.

EDITORS NOTE: Case in Point….

IF you were playing for the Eastern Idaho Fertilizer Distributors Academy and you were playing the mighty Ohio State Buckeyes wouldn’t you want some assurance that you wouldn’t end up in the hospital before the fourth quarter?

In case you were wondering…

I believe that game is scheduled in October as part of the “brutal” Buckeye non-conference schedule.

4. Show the College Marching Bands at half-time.

You can run the scores of other games along the top and bottom of the screen if you want to or if the viewer has an itchy remote trigger finger, he or she can switch to one of the other 100 channels and catch another game.

Those kids in the Marching Bands are a part of the rich tradition and pageantry of College Football and those kids put as much time on the field practicing as the football teams themselves.

As a side note…

If you are a male over the age of ten and you really don’t want to see the LSU Golden Girls or the beautiful University of Alabama Crimsonettes, then you have some serious issues. Enough said….

5. Make the College Football Referees and Umpires accountable.

Let’s be honest here….

These guys make 180 to 250K for working a 6 month job.

Not that I have a problem with that….


Where are the background checks on these guys?

Are we to believe that “they” are all above reproach?

Shouldn’t they be held to some sort of standard in this “profession”?

What is the punishment when they don’t meet that standard and cost a team a game or a shot at a Championship? Where is the almighty NCAA in that discussion?

If you think this doesn’t matter; ask any Oklahoma Sooner Fan about the Oregon Duck game a few years ago. They will tell you…..

6. We don’t need the BCS nor do we need any college football playoffs.

Listen closely….

IF you are a big time college football program that wants to play for the National Championship..

Then drop the Division III Vietnamese Hair and Nail Salon Beauty Colleges from your respective schedules and play OTHER big time college football programs DURING the season. There is your play-off system ladies and gentlemen…..

Problem solved…

7. Only “One” college transfer for the cry baby college football player that wants to transfer to another college because he isn’t getting enough playing time.

Clearly these knuckleheads have forgotten about the “team” sport concept and the advantage of getting a college education.

8. The “politically” correct Nazis at the NCAA should stay out of the College Mascot business. The North Dakota “Fighting Sioux” isn’t raciest, nor was the Newberry College “Indians”. If you are “offended” by these mascots let me break it down for you….

You are a spineless idiot that roams the earth in search of something, anything that “in your” perverted view of life can be viewed as offensive.

I pray that you haven’t reproduced and are so offended by this statement that you drink the “Jim Jones Cool-Aide”.

9. The NCAA actually does what it was actually designed to be…

Which is an organization designed to establish standards of collegiate athletics.

Steal images of college football players and make millions from EA Sports video games.

Show favoritism in compliance of the application of the NCAA rules…

Negotiate television revenue and manipulate universities revenue streams…

Partner with other unethical organizations to punish southern universities and colleges.

Ignore State and Federal laws in an effort to further your own arrogant financial agenda.

Have I made my point?

10. The Southeastern Conference, the Atlantic Coast Conference and the Big 12 should secede from the NCAA and form their own College Sports Conference and break the backs and financial stranglehold the NCAA has on college athletics.


As I have attempted to illuminate in the past….

There is a big difference between college football in the Deep South and the college football culture of California.

But for you that still need an illustrated example this brief comparison is for you…

I hope this helps



California: Woodstock 1960’s vintage hippie chic’ (no bath or shower or deodorant)

Down South: Designer duffel or purse with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), cell phone and a bottle of Perrier. Wallet not necessary-that’s what dates are for……


California: College football stadiums hold 40,000.

Down South: Most High School football stadiums hold 20,000


Los Angles Memorial Coliseum and the Rose Bowl neither of which belongs to the respective schools playing in them.


California: O.J. Simpson (Murderer) and Reggie Bush (Lost his Heisman trophy due to fraud)

Down South: Hershel Walker, Bo Jackson, Earl Campbell, Billy Cannon, Kenny Stabler and Joe Namath


California: Rain, Earth Quakes, Mud Slides and other disasters of Biblical proportions.

Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the thirties.


California: Expect their daughters to understand the spirit of “Diversity” and the complications associated with the O.J. Simpson Trial.

Down South: Expect their daughters to understand the Wishbone and the Spread Offence as well as the difference between the 4-3 and the 3-4 defenses.


California: Male and female alike: Dread locks and flip flops standard.

Down South: Male – Pressed khakis, oxford shirt, hat with frat and or college team logo.

Female – Ankle or knee length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.

EDITORS NOTE: Girls in the south can make a mans heart flutter with a smile..
How in the hell does that work in California with dirty ass 1960’s clothes and dread locks?

It doesn’t, that’s the point.


California: Take prospects on sailing trips to Catalina Island to discuss the joys of diversity and the complexities of the O.J. Simpson Trial.

Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their junior year.


California: Statues of Johnnie Cochran

Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners and National Championship Coaches.


California: Also a major in ethnic studies with a minor in “feel bad about myself”.

Down South: Also Miss USA.


California: Johnnie Cochran

Down South: Paul “Bear” Bryant, Bobby Bowden, Steve Spurrier, Darrel Royal and the LSU Chinese Bandits.


California: 15 minutes before the game you can walk up to the ticket counter and purchase tickets while negotiating through the protest for the “Rights of Tibet”.

Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.


California: Students and Professors are planning a protest against one of the following:
1. The Republican Party
2. People Wearing Fur
3. People that eat meat
4. The Republican Party
5. Anyone against Same-Sex marriage

Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class on Friday.


California: An hour before the game the university opens the campus for game parking.

Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday afternoon for the Saturday’s Game festivities.

EDITORS NOTE: The real faithful in the South begin arriving on Tuesday.


California: A few students party in the dorm and talk about the complications of the O.J. Simpson Trial while celebrating diversity and same sex marriage.

Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from out west who wonder why Game Day is never broadcast from their campus.


California: Enjoying Zima and tofu while listening to local a radio station covering the protest of the lack of rights for Hispanic immigrants.

Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn…..

Cooking accompanied of a live performance by Lynyrd Skynyrd who came over during breaks and ask for a couple bottles of beer.


California: You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?”

But first you must negotiate through the crowd protesting outside the stadium for the Rights of Tibet…

Down South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it.

On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city…..

Believe it…


California: Drinks served in a decorative recyclable paper cup filled to the top with caffeine free soda.

Down South: Drinks served in a 24 oz plastic cup with the home teams mascot-filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.


California: Excellent opportunity to stage another protest…..

Down South: 95,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.


California: The putrid aroma of sweaty ass permeates the air because nobody bathes before the game in order to save the whales and the environment and lower their respective carbon footprint.

Down South: Fireworks with a twist of beer and or fine Kentucky bourbon is customary.


California: “I still believe O.J. Simpson is innocent”

Down South: “Block some-body damn it!”


California: “I still believe O.J. Simpson is innocent.”

Down South: “Tackle some-body damn it”


California: The stadium is empty before the game ends; because the next “big” protest begins at 10:00 pm.

Down South: Put another rack of ribs on the smoker….

While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more beer and bourbon while planning begins for next week’s party.

EDITORS NOTE: I hope this helped…


Q: Dear Sir

Are you aware that last season The Ivy League had an UNDEFEATED Team in Penn and that Harvard had only ONE loss?

Biff Pumpernickel III– Cambridge, Massachusetts

A: Are you aware that there is a lady at my local Dollar Store that has a large mole on her neck that she has named Bridgette?

Q: You suck! Why don’t you just quit writing all this bull crap!
Anonymous – Charleston, South Carolina

A: Thank you “Anonymous” for taking time out of your busy day to send me this email.

I considered your request…..

And then a quote came to me from the greatest urban philosopher in the 20th Century.

M. C. Hammer when he said….

That I was…

“Too Legit to Quit”

(That song is in your head now isn’t it?)

No Need to Thank me….

Q: Dear Mr. College Football Wizard

As the Commandant of the Naval Academy here in beautiful Annapolis Maryland I want to second the letter last week from former Chair (person) of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Martin Dempsey and echo his charge for diversity within the military in general and in the military academies more specifically.

Certainly the “call for change” hasn’t been easy nor has it been easy preparing women as leaders for combat roles. I mean give me a break, none of them can read a map or use a compass and it takes 2 extra hours on field exercises when they “stop and ask for directions” to the objective.

And don’t get me started about them trying to “color coordinate” the camouflage uniform, face paint etc. with their eye shadow and nails. I have had three petty officers and two gunnery sergeants on staff threatening suicide over the whole thing.

But I digress….

We here at the Naval Academy have already changed our fight song to make it more “inclusive” by adding lyrics that salute the gays and lesbians and tri-gendered persons and any other fruit rollups the government so identifies.

Of course it’s hard for the marching band at the Naval Academy to keep up with the changing lyrics and the changing of the times, but to combat this bastion of maleness we have followed the lead of West Point by instituting a “zero tolerance” policy for any and all heterosexual behavior in the ranks.

It hasn’t been easy, but something as worthwhile as diversity is a battle worth undertaking.

At least until I can retire next year with thirty years of service and 100% retirement.

But that being said, this policy has been slow to implement.

The Midship-person’s (we changed the name of that too…)wanting to go into the SEAL community are quickly identified and forced to listen to Kenny Chesney records and attend Corndog Eating Contests.

We aren’t sure that it is having the desired effect as they tend to laugh a lot at our suggestions.

Nothing can stop our implementation of this diversity policy or as we like to say
“We are Full Steamin’ Seamen Ahead”

Thank you for your service
Vice Admiral Joseph “Fighting Joe” Buttsniffer

A: Thank you Admiral for confirming what I had thought for years……….

You have to be a Butt Sniffer in order to be promoted to the rank of General Officer

Q: Mister Wizard what the Hell is the President of Georgia (Mike Adams) trying to do now by moving the Florida – Georgia game to Atlanta?


Mark – Gainesville, Florida

A: Well first things first Mark….
President Adams has done so many ridiculous things I don’t know where to begin

But when he tried to change the name of the game between Georgia and Florida, that has always been known as the “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party”…

To something “less offensive” and something that doesn’t “glorify” alcohol use.

That ranks right up there with his dumbest “suggestions”

In fact when President Adams was in the process of attempting to change the name of the game he refused to accept “any” of my suggestions for the game….

My Top Three Choices to replace the name of the Florida – Georgia football game.
1. Mike Adams Can Kiss My Ass Party.
2. The Day Mike Adams was murdered in his sleep
3. Cinco De Mayo

So to answer your question Mark…

It’s hard to know what goes on in the mind of an idiot

Q: Dear CFB Wizard –

I have a question for you sir; do you know where I can buy lingerie for a pig?

Gary – Carthage, Tennessee

A: Try, Fredericks of Auburn

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!

Hey when are you going to give an honorable mention in your weekly article to the Northern Illinois Salukis? The Saluki is an awesome mascot! You should really write about the Salukis! If you haven’t seen the Salukis you don’t know what you are missing!

Chet – Rockford, Illinois

A: First of all Chet, I don’t want to see anybody’s Saluki and that includes yours, that’s just nasty. If I want to see a Saluki I will look at my own.

Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard –

I suspect my daughters boyfriend of being a Tennessee fan, is there anyway I can tell?

Robert –Bowling Green, Kentucky

A: If your daughter is not related to this young man in anyway, then the chances are remote that he is a vowel fan. However, there are a few noticeable signs if he is a Big Urange fan that will alert you and your family to any danger.

1. He or his family has been on Television more than five times describing the sound of a tornado.
2. He likes to stop at the convenience store to see if the new Dale Jr. Budweiser wall clock has arrived.
3. Your daughter has ruined her panty hose rubbin up against the dried boogers on the front seat of his truck.
4. He thinks “Saved by the Bell” is an educashunal program.
5. His Dad is also his favorite Uncle.

Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard

This upcoming season we are really excited here in Minnesota!!!

We are looking for a new catch phrase to get our fans excited about the upcoming prospects for Gopher football, do you have any ideas that may help us!1

Thank You!!

Go Gophers!!

Gretchen McKinney – St. Paul, Minnesota

A: I think I have just the phrase that will not only raise excitement for Gopher Football but demonstrate state pride as well, here you go….

“Ever Vigilant Minnesota: Keeping Canada at bay since 1873”

Q: Mister Wizard –

Who (In your opinion) do you think is the biggest offensive lineman in the country?

Paul – Camden, South Carolina

A: Wynonna Judd

Q: Dear Sir-

I am single and have been dating a nice gentleman for several weeks, yet he refuses to name his favorite college football team.

What should I do in the face of his lack of commitment?

Martha – Columbia, South Carolina

A: I can assume that he is either from California or is in this country illegally. Either way, a man that is unable to commit to a college football team, particularly in the South, must either be here illegally or is a Frenchman, so please contact the FBI immediately.


As the ever vigilant staff of The CFB Wizard prepares for yet another college football season, there will be a “Best of” Series on the Website for your reading enjoyment and entertainment every week up until kickoff of the 2016 season.

And in case you were wondering….

I finally got that “Book Deal”; it should be out just in time for Christmas this year.

I will provide more details on the book, the publisher and the release date in the coming weeks and in case I have failed to mention it…

Thank you all for your encouragement

Through death and disease, war and everything in between you have been there encouraging me all along the way.

Thank you All

I truly appreciate it


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