Ladies and Gentlemen –
My tuxedo is out of the cleaners and I’m ready for “Lights, Camera, and Action”!
It’s time once again for the 2015 CFB Wizard Awards!
We also have a couple of Championship games to discuss too, don’t we?
But I am ready for my crimson carpet moment and this year’s awards program.
I just hope they get pictures of my “good side” this year
Last year I asked the photographers to get pictures of my “good side” on the celebrity carpet and they took pictures of my butt.
Don’t laugh, that was very hurtful
Enjoy Your Championship Picks….
Championship Week Email Q and A
Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
So what are your New Years resolutions for the year 2016!
Enquiring minds want to know!
Thanks man, you rock!
Glenda & Paul – Rock Hill, South Carolina
A: Thank you both for your very kind email….
I believe that the reason too many New Years resolutions fail is because they are unrealistic. For example, too many people want to lose an excessive amount of weight in a ridiculous and unrealistic amount of time.
The same goes with resolutions concerning eating better, stop smoking or stop drinking etc.
I think it’s important to set goals for the new year that are attainable and reasonable.
That is why my New Years resolutions for this year are the following:
I will not give any Polar Bears an enema during the coming year, not going to do it
(So DON’T Ask)
And when I am all liquored up sometime this year…..
I will no longer attempt to call friends on my television remote control
(This may explain why I couldn’t complete some calls last year)
I won’t attempt to make sense from the National Geographic Channel
(Although the monkeys throwing poop is not only entertaining but educational as well)
Nor will I order any “new” and “improved” revolutionary items from infomercials late at night this year.
EDITORS NOTE: One afternoon last year I shot the garden hose ten times that I ordered on an infomercial that rolls itself up. Yeah I did that….but I swear it was an anaconda.
EDITORS NOTE II: But on a positive note the “hair in a can” I bought has been a lot of fun and believe it or not, I blend quite well when I shop at Wal-Mart.
Don’t you dare judge me….
Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I can’t even watch some segments of ESPN anymore that include Joey Galloway.
My God he makes Mark May actually sound intelligent!
What do you have to say Mister Wizard?
Matt – Austin, Texas
A: You might want to read the rest of this week’s article Matt, but suffice to say and to simply it for the folks at home reading this:
Joey Galloway not only doesn’t know anything, he doesn’t even suspect anything either
THE 2015 CFB WIZARD COLLEGE FOOTBALL AWARDS
DUMBEST COACHES QUOTE(S) OF 2015
This is a very special moment in the history of this prestigious award….
For the first time since the inception of this award, one coach has tied “himself” for the dumbest quote of the year by making not one, but two ludicrous statements.
Let’s examine each one shall we?
Here is what Coach Urban Meyer of “the” Ohio State Buckeyes said in an interview with ESPN prior to their game with the rival Michigan Wolverines.
“We had a good week of practice this week. Former President Bill Clinton came by practice and talked with all the players.”
EDITORS NOTE: I wasn’t aware that discussing lying under oath, marital infidelity and being impeached by congress would “motivate” a football team, but whatever.
Coach Meyer went on to say….
“The President discussed how his foundation helped a third world fishing village to have access to the internet and how that had helped improve their quality of life and fishing business.”
EDITORS NOTE: I’m sorry, what? So, these people are selling fish on the internet?
You lost me there….
Then there was this quote last week on ESPN before the Buckeyes Bowl game….
“I tell our players that they are elite warriors and elite warriors always complete their mission and on one of those few times they lose, like we did this year, the elite warriors pick themselves and go on to the next battle.”
EDITORS NOTE: What the hell did you just say?
Let me break this down for you Coach Dumbass; because you are clearly not too damn bright.
This is a picture of a bunch of college kids, student athletes, whatever that play football.
This a picture of Elite Warriors
Let’s go over this again, because you aren’t too damn sharp
This a picture of you and your football players doing a poor imitation of the Village People’s hit song “YMCA”
Below is a picture of Elite Warriors
Get the picture dumbass?
One other thing Coach, isn’t it about time you fake another heart attack?
WORST COLLEGE FOOTBALL COMMENTATOR
ESPN’s Beth Mowins has won this award every year since the morons at ESPN put her in the booth as a college football commentator, if that’s what you want to refer her by.
I prefer to think of her as a serial ear rapist
But in case you were blissfully unaware…
Her voice sounds like someone is neutering a cat with a potato peeler
WORST COLLEGE MASCOT
There was a great deal of competition for this award this year. However through careful deliberation by The CFB Wizard staff, they have determined that once again the winner of this prestigious award goes too….
The Evergreen State Geoducks
EDITORS NOTE: You don’t have to tell me, I know what “it” looks like
2015 FLIP-FLOPS OF THE YEAR AWARD
Auburn: Was “supposed” to win the Southeastern Conference
Oregon: Was “supposed” to win the PAC 12 Conference
Florida State: Was “supposed” to be unbeatable
Notre Dame: “See Above”
The Big Ten Conference was “supposed” to rule this year
EDITORS NOTE: Oops….
The We No Count So Good Award
This year’s award winner sponsored by the Heritage Math Club and the Math-letes from West Chester Junior College will be a shared title by two deserving conferences.
The Big Ten Conference: With twenty four or so teams, actually they don’t even “really’ know how many teams are in their own conference.
The Big 12 Conference: While the “Big Ten” can’t count to twenty-four, the Big 12 somehow tells themselves that ten equals twelve.
EDITORS NOTE: Mystery Solved…
Now we know where the people who do the Federal budget come from….
THE 2015 “PLEASE SHUT UP” AWARD
We certainly don’t have the time, effort or the budget to pass out all the trophies for the winners of this award, because frankly there are far too many recipients.
However, in no particular order the “winners” of the 2015 “Please Shut Up” Award are…
The protestors, select football players and the many dumbass liberal faculty of the University of Missouri who allowed “the inmates to run the prison”
Along this same subject, I got a big surprise for you spoiled rotten, bunch of mentally deficient, self entitled jackass’s.
All lives do actually matter, not just yours.
Well, unless you are an unborn child, right?
Yet I digress, the other winners of the “Please Shut Up” Award are….
Everyone’s favorite spoiled rotten entitled Ohio State Buckeye football player, self-described coach, and unaware motor vehicle operator Ezekiel Elliot.
We understand that he has already signed an endorsement contract with “Burger King” as everyone in the college football world knows that he likes everything “His Way”.
And lastly we want to pass out a few trophies for this award to the players, coaches and fans of the Baylor Bears in recognition of their delusional perception that the Bears actually play a “tough” out of conference schedule.
Let’s quickly recap the Baylor Bears 2015 out of conference schedule….
The Myrtle Beach (12 and under) Tumble and Dance Academy
The Ladies from Chang Wang’s Hair and Nail Salon in Abilene Texas
The surviving cast and crew of the 70’s sitcom “What’s Happening!”
Alvin and the Chipmunks
The three chunky elves from the Keebler Cookie factory
Congratulations to the recipients of this award, you are all, well, something
Now Please for the Love of God Please Shut The Hell Up!
The Best Internet College Dating Web Site
Although this may qualify as a regional award winner, I think we can all agree it’s a “winner” nonetheless.
EDITORS NOTE: Tennessee fans look on the bright side for a change…
At least I didn’t mention your habit of butt chugging
THE 2015 GIBBERING JACKASS AWARD
This year’s award winner went the extra mile to distance himself from the competition.
Never in the history of ESPN have they had such a raving idiot like our winner this year.
ESPN college football “analyst” Joey Galloway is this year’s award winner.
It’s hard to imagine a head shaped like a peanut M&M could house such absurdities, but he continues to amaze us all with his ridiculous views and insights.
“Big Ten players are just tougher because they play in colder weather”
EDITORS NOTE: I can’t comment because I am laughing too hard at the moment
Following Alabama’s loss to Ole Miss the “winner” of our award had this to say
“Alabama’s season is over, I would be surprised if they finished the season at 6 and 6”
And the former Buckeye player had this too say about his alma mater in November..
“The Buckeyes are the best team in college football, period. I think they could beat most of the NFL teams playing today”
EDITORS NOTE: I wasn’t aware that the Michigan State Spartans were a professional team, who knew?
Congratulations Joey, you gibbering jackass, you truly deserve this award.
The Best Sideline Reporter of the Year
In this age where twenty something anorexic giggling bleached blondes attempt to report something akin to “news” from the college football sidelines it’s important to note that there is one lady that actually does make sense and knows the game of football.
ESPN’s own Holly Rowe
Not only is she smart, insightful, but she actually makes sense.
Congratulations on your award Holly!
EDITORS NOTE: She isn’t hard to look at either, I am just saying…
Dumbest University Administrators of 2015
This year the voting for this prestigious award ended in a virtual tie.
So without further ado the “Co-Winners” of this award is….
The administrations of LSU and Georgia
(This is time for the all delusional fans to applaud wildly!)
In the infinite “lack of” wisdom from the LSU powers that are large and in charge
“They” actually thought it was a “good idea” to promote the idea of firing their most successful football coach in the history of their program. How did these cowards in the university go about implementing their “master plan”?
By “leaking” the information of the potential firing to various media outlets.
You know so “they” could get a feeling for what people would think about it.
EDITORS NOTE: Cowards, each and every single one of them.
But like so many ideas that originate from academia this one backfired on them too, over and over again and on national television…..
EDITORS NOTE: You have to admit attaining that level of shear stupidity is impressive
Then we have the “know-it-alls” from the administration in Athens Georgia.
Seriously, you “fired” your head football coach for averaging over ten wins a season in a twelve game season, for what, over fifteen seasons?
The best Football Coach you ever had, as in ever?
EDITORS NOTE: I bet the University of Georgia administrators think Hillary Clinton actually makes sense too.
2015 BEST FIGHTER AWARD
This years award goes to Mountain Brook Alabama resident and LSU Fighting Tiger Fan Sid Ortis who bravely and courageously fought a rare form of cancer.
Most people write these words when such a battle nears its final salvo
“He lost his battle with cancer….”
Sid and others like him didn’t “lose” to anything
They took cancer with them
They killed it
And they left something else behind them as well
Memories, loved ones and inspiration in a “real” fight for life
In Sid’s case, he left us with memories along with this prayer he wrote
“Dear Lord, thank you for everything you’ve given me and these wonderful friends who have been there with me through the fight. And let them all live prosperous lives once I’m gone, and let everybody stay on the path of righteousness and not get away from You. Amen.”
If that isn’t a damn fighter, then I don’t know what one is..
BEST COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAMEDAY PROGRAM
Hands down the winner of this award goes to the ESPN College Game Day crew.
From the opening music, to Rece, Kirk, Desmond, David and the Great Coach Lee Corso
College Football Saturday’s are not the same without them
I love those guys
BEST COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAMEDAY OPENING MUSIC
A “Tip” of the ball cap to West Virginia Native Son and Country Music Singer Brad Paisley for this motivating song that embodies our college football heritage.
Well done Bradley
THE CHAMPIONSHIP GAMES
Saturday 9 January 2016
The Championship Game
Jacksonville State Gamecocks and North Dakota State Bison
Although I am all about the Mighty Bison and follow them religiously.
The Gamecocks are from Jacksonville Alabama.
This is “not” the weekend to be breaking ranks with my peeps
(If you know what I mean)
Monday 11 January 2016
The Championship Game
This one is for all the marbles….
Alabama Crimson Tide and Clemson Tigers
As you may very well by now, I do love both of these fine teams.
I have some dear and wonderful adopted Clemson Family members.
Some of the very best days I have ever had have been hooting it up with Brad and Ben, Christie and Margaret and their beautiful families.
So with that being said I love you all, no matter which way this game goes.
(It’s going to be close)
CRIMSON TIDE 28-24
One More Thing….
Thank you all for riding along with me for another college football season.
Thank you for reading both websites, for your comments, for your encouragement.
It means a lot to me, and I truly appreciate it.
I will have a wrap-up article next week following the Championship Games and then I will take a short break to try and figure this whole “Book Publishing” business out.
But in the meantime, take care of yourselves and be good to one another
God Bless you all
THE CFB WIZARD