Ladies and Gentlemen –
As you finish your up last minute or not so last minute shopping this week in preparation for either Christmas, Hanukkah or that other holiday thingy that starts with a “K”.
It’s important to take a breath, count your blessings and realize what’s “really” important.
As in…Part I of the 2015 Bowl Picks out for your entertainment
Please no crazy applause or drum roll….
(You know I embarrass easily)
Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished the 2015 College Football Season
(Wait for it…)
At 719 and 152, while picking all the games (yes, all the games…) correctly last weekend
That leaves the CFB Wizard at 719 and 152 or 83% for the season
O.k. I was just joking….
Applaud wildly and make noises like a lunatic just released from the asylum
EDITORS NOTE: Unless you are at work then “don’t” do the “above celebration” I refuse to be responsible for someone getting fired before Christmas
CHRISTMAS SAFETY MESSAGE
This joyous time of the year is full of wonderment, excitement and hope of the coming year. Adults and children alike are giddy with excitement holding fast to dreams and expectations of this magical time of the year.
The Christmas music, the sights and smells and the decorations are all apart of what is described as “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”
But it can also be dangerous
So in the event you are shopping in a mall for any last minute gift ideas and you are approached near the Pepperidge Farms store by what would appear to be a “little person” in an Elf costume reeking of cheap bourbon, please don’t make eye contact with him.
And certainly do not engage him in conversation.
And just to be perfectly clear so there is no misunderstanding
When the drunken elf asked me “If I wanted to see some summer sausage”
I thought he was talking about the Pepperidge Farm variety
And before you ask, “NO” I don’t want to talk about it
Christmas Email Questions and Answers (Part I)
Q: Dear Mister Wizard –
We have an office bet going this year on some holiday questions for you!
There is a lot riding on it, so here goes!
What are your top three favorite Christmas movies of all time….
And…What is your favorite Christmas song!
Cynthia and the girls in the office – Savannah, Georgia
A: Thank you for your wonderful email Cynthia
Like most men my age I am a “traditionalist” when it comes to this time of the year.
In no particular order my three all-time favorite Christmas movies are..
1. “Smokey and the Bandit”
(If you look deep enough it has a Christmas theme)
2. “The Dirty Dozen”
(This one is Christmas “like” but with Lee Marvin in World War II)
3. “It’s a Wonderful life”
(Jimmy Stewart, is the man…enough said)
And as to music, there is so much to choose from this time of year…
But I would have to say my favorite is…
“Sweet Home Alabama”
I hope that answered your questions
Q: Dear Sir
You appear to be a worldly man, so with that in mind I have a question that I hope you will be able to assist me with.
I am having one heck of a time (pardon my language) at my current job.
My co-workers ridicule me and my boss torments me continually over the fact I cannot pronounce the letter “R”, as well as my ingrained fear of all dairy products.
Also too I am petrified by frozen yogurt.
My question is this sir, would it be appropriate this holiday season to attach a garnish of mistletoe on my back belt loop at work to indicate to my co-workers and boss that they can kiss my dirty place?
Thank you sir and Happy Holidays
Chip –Washington D.C.
A: Sounds like you work for the Department of Homeland Security Chip
Q: Dear Mister Wizard
I am so depressed and despondent I don’t know where to turn.
I have been in this deep dark depression since last Saturday.
So I have to ask, so that you can give me a glimmer of hope for the future.
Will Army ever beat Navy?
Lieutenant D. Morris (West Point Class of 2014) – Fort Hood, Texas
A: Does the term, “When Hell Freezes Over” mean anything to you?
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard
My wife (Deidra) and I were discussing several Christmas traditions and were in hopes that you could answer a question for us pertaining to this festive time of the year.
What is the origin of the phrase “Ho-Ho-Ho!” this time of the year?
And a follow on question if you please..
How should this phrase be used appropriately this time of the year?
Thank you and happy Holidays!
The Macdonald Family – Piscataway, New Jersey
A: The origin of the phrase pertains to jolly old Saint Nick
(That’s Santa Claus, “not” the Saintly Coach of the Crimson Tide)
As to the “use” of the term
It really depends on where you live
For example: In St Louis, Missouri “Ho-Ho-Ho!”
Has an entirely different meaning
I’m just saying….
THE 2015 BOWL GAMES (PART I)
Friday 19 December
Air Force Reserve Celebration Bowl
Alcorn State and North Carolina A&T
I am confused here on two points…
(One) Neither of these teams are from any of the Military Academies
(Two) Isn’t that supposed to say “AT&T”?
This is dumb; I am not picking it…
The We Protest Everything Bowl, sponsored by Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson
This bowl game features “teams” of like “character” or lack there of….
Missouri and a mob of unemployed disgruntled protestors from Black Lives Matter
Gildan New Mexico Bowl
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Arizona and New Mexico
Isn’t “Gildan” a wart remover?
I think this sponsorship thing has gone too far..
Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl
Las Vegas Nevada
Brigham Young and Utah
Two teams of Mormons in “Sin City” Las Vegas…
Am I the only one that thinks this is funny?
TWO UTES in a CASINO 34-17
Raycom Media Camellia Bowl
Ohio and Appalachian State
Little known factoid…
I know where every good BBQ joint is in Montgomery Alabama..
FRANK’S CATS 28-24
San Jose State and Georgia State
O.k. I will ask what you are all thinking….
The Flu? The Common Cold? Cancer? Gingivitis?
They should have named it….
“The What the Hell Bowl”
R&L Carriers Bowl
New Orleans, Louisiana
Arkansas State and Louisiana Tech
I’m not to sure about the name of this sponsor…
It sounds like Ron and Lucy are flu carriers to me
The Purina Spider Monkey Chow Bowl
On the banks of the toxic Rock River and played near the Rockford Semi-International Airport, this bowl game is reserved for two teams that stunk it up all year.
West Point (Army) and Illinois
Monday 21 December
Miami Beach Bowl
Western Kentucky and South Florida
This won’t be the only shoot-out in Miami tonight
The Global Warming Bowl, sponsored by Al Gore and the Hollywood Elite
Sadly the two teams picked for this game will not be allowed to travel, nor play as it has been determined that too many people in one location increases the carbon footprint and depletes the ozone layer. Sorry
The Velveeta Cheese Bowl
This delicious cheese like substance melts in the heat…
Just like the two teams selected for this game
Kentucky and Colorado
Tuesday 22 December
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
Akron and Utah State
Let’s be perfectly honest here…
The “mascot” for this bowl game looks like a turd in a sock
The Cubic Zirconium Bowl
This rather prestigious bowl game located just 134 miles off the Las Vegas strip..
Is reserved for two teams that look “real” but couldn’t cut glass all year
Florida State and Oregon
Marmot Boca Raton Bowl
Boca Raton, Florida
Toledo and Temple
Isn’t a “marmot” that little gopher looking thing that runs around in Africa?
What the hell is it doing in South Florida?
I don’t get it…
Wednesday 23 December
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
San Diego, California
Boise State and Northern Illinois
Not only does this bowl game have a lengthy name, but it is misnamed.
It should be called…..
“The Gibbering Idiots, gridlock traffic, Wildfires, Mudslides, Gang Crime, Out of Control Taxes (State, Local, Corporate and Property), Save the Earth, protest everything, transgendered, transsexual, diversity for everyone, ban the military, police hating, legal marijuana, Zima Drinking, Reality television Bowl”
It will be known by it’s acronym….
“The GIGTWMGCOOCT (SLCP) STEPETTDFEBTMPHLMZDRT Bowl”
EDITORS NOTE: After re-reading that acronym, it hit me…
I think that was the actual name of my last proctologist…
Quang Chang Do Dang Chinese Bowl
San Francisco, California
Due to a paid sponsorship from this bowl game we will reproduce the promotional introduction for this game in it’s entirety. Thank you
“Chang Do Dang! I say to Him!
Me Chinese me make joke, I put pee-pee in your Coke!”
EDITORS NOTE: Now I forgot who was playing in this damn thing
The Subway Sandwich Pedophile Bowl, sponsored by “Jared” in Cell Block “D”
Illinois State Penitentiary, Joliet, Illinois
EDITORS NOTE: Too Soon?
Go Daddy Bowl
Georgia Southern and Bowling Green
My beloved hometown of Mobile Alabama….
What I wouldn’t give to be at the Flora-Bama lounge tonight
SOUTHERN EAGLES 43-41
Thursday 24 December
Popeye’s Bahamas Bowl
Middle Tennessee and Western Michigan
Really, a bowl game in the Bahamas?
O’ Yeah, those seats will be full….Not
BLUE RAIDERS 34-17
The Lounge Lizard Bowl
This bowl game is reserved for the teams and fans with fake tans, gold plated chains, bad toupees and even worse hygiene.
Duke and Indiana
The Kenny Rogers Gambler Bowl
This bowl game is reserved for two teams that gambled all season long, and had some really bad plastic surgery along the way to where you can’t recognize them.
Boston College and Nebraska
The Preparation H Bowl
This bowl game is unique in the bowl series.
The teams are selected not by their prowess on the football field but rather…
By their fans who are known to be a pain in the ass throughout the season.
Georgia and Ohio State
San Diego State and Cincinnati
If this was called “The Dog the Bounty Hunter Bowl” I would be into it…
It isn’t, so I’m not…
As I begin my transformation into “The Bicycle Elf” I don’t want to leave your pre-celebratory stockings empty, so there will be several Christmas stories on the website to get you in the spirit of the holidays.
Along with your favorite Tennessee Volunteer Fan, Mr. James “Hootie” Snitch with his “original” composition of “A Night before Christmas”
Before the year is over and the bowl games begin in earnest, we will have the season ending “2015 CFB Wizard Awards” along with the remainder of your bowl picks and the Championship picks too.
So stay tuned….
One More Thing….
Beginning this weekend there will be a few of my favorite Christmas stories for you on Mikerights.com, some of which you may have read, but there will be a couple of new ones on there for you as well.
I also wanted to let you know that I have on “good authority” from Santa himself, that by reading both websites, it puts you in “good standing” with the “Big Man”.
I don’t make the rules; I am just telling you what they are
(I told you I was Santa’s favorite Elf)
Enjoy Your Weekend
THE CFB WIZARD