College Football Picks Week 5

September 30, 2015

Ladies and Gentlemen –

We certainly didn’t need any reminders that this is the wildest and craziest college football season in recent memory. But for those of you that still doubt that….

Let me present this as exhibit “a”: West Point “won” a football game

Enough said..

Weekend Rewind….

Before we get into last week’s games….

I feel under some obligation to remind you all that if you haven’t begun working on your survivalist bunkers or stockpiling food stuffs, then you should do so immediately.

When “army” actually wins a football game; that’s a sure sign that Armageddon is right around the corner. I know this because it’s in the Bible.

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator picked two “Upsets” last week with Utah over Oregon and UCLA over Arizona. The fact I didn’t pick any of the other upsets from the week, but seemingly “got” all the PAC 12 games correct disturbs me greatly.

But that aside, The CFB Wizard was 54 and 12 last week or 82%

This leaves Your Favorite Prognosticator at 253 and 39 or 87% for the season.

Not too bad all things considered….(If I do say so myself)


Greetings from the Heart of SEC Country!!!
Our Boys in Blue traveled over to Injun Country Friday night to take on the Rajin’ Redskins of Irwin County in an important 2A matchup. Our Gladiators of the Gridiron got off to a good start as they took a 21-14 lead into the half. Everything was going better than planned until the wheels fell off in the 2nd half as the Indians scored two unanswered touchdowns to go up for good and take a hard fought 35-28 win. Larion Hamilton had some nifty runs and punched in a TD to go with Brandon “The Bull” Mackey’s hard fought yardage but it just wasn’t enough to get us over the top. Next up for the 2-3 Trojans is a visit from the Patriots of Wilcox County in an important 2-A matchup as we attempt to get our first region win of the year. Let’s all pack the Coliseum down on South Third this Friday and show our support for the Trojans!!!
As was expected, the Cow College proved to be an inhospitable environment for the Jaguars of Southern University on Saturday. Nick Chubb had another banner day as he had over 100 yards for the 12th time and tied Herschel Walker’s record for consecutive hundred yard rushing days. The Offense was stellar, the Defense was stout, but the Hounds Red Coat band was no match for the “Human Jukebox” marching band. Despite the win, the enthusiasm was somewhat tempered as Southern WR Devon Gayles injured his neck while blocking on a kickoff return. We wish all the best for Devon and hope he has a full, speedy recovery. 

Elsewhere, the Ramblin Wreck limped out of Durham following a 34-20 loss to the Blue Devils. Duke jumped out to a 19-3 lead after the 1st quarter and never looked back as they throttled the vaunted Trade School running attack to the tune of only 173 yards on the ground. It doesn’t get any easier down the road as the Bees sport a 2-2 record and face some teams that all of a sudden look a bit more difficult after week 4’s results.

The Blue Birds of the ‘Boro flew the coop and took a trip west to take on the hooligans of the Kibbie Dome in Moscow, Idaho on Saturday. It proved to be a fruitful trip as the Raptors swooped out of Idaho with a 44-20 win and a great start to their Sun Belt schedule. Once again, Matt “The Mauler” Breida carried the mail for the Eagles as he tallied close to 180 yards rushing and two TDs. Chipping in were QB Kevin Ellison who ran for 130 yards of his own and added two more scores. Coach Fritz has got the Birds ready for the meat of the schedule, which continues Saturday with another road trip to Monroe, Louisiana to tangle with a bunch of angry Warhawks who are just itching for a win after losses to Georgia and Alabama in the early weeks of the season. Let’s go Eagles!!!
Things I think:
Auburn – It went from bad to worse last week. After succumbing to pressure, Gus Malzahn started redshirt Freshman Sean White. After that expirement derailed, the Feline faithful want Johnson back.
Georgia – The biggest game of the season which has meaning of monumental proportions comes to the Hedges on Saturday. I’m nervous.
Bama – Primed and ready to play…. Spoiler? That’s a role reversal
Oregon – That was pitiful. Just pitiful
Florida – With every game they win, they get a little better and a little more confident. Might be interesting in Jacksonville this year
South Carolina – Spurrier played musical quarterbacks on Saturday and it paid off for him. Yes, it was UCF but the youngster, Nunez, didn’t look too bad. Plus he’s from the Atlanta area. Can’t be too bad if he’s a Georgia boy.
Tennessee – What a wild thrill ride are the Vols. The pendulum has swung from the “Butch Jonessssssss!!!!!” side to “FIRE BUTCH JONES!!!!”
SEC Coaches – Where else can you go from the most popular person in the state, kissing babies, and being revered to having a fanbase ready to run you out of town, being looked upon with as much disdain as a child molester, and being reviled in 4 short weeks?
Michigan – I guess the reports of your demise may have been greatly exaggerated.
State of Georgia Rushing Title – Chubb had 131 yards and 2 TDs. Breida had 179 and two scores. Just saying…..
Ohio State – I’m not going to harp on the schedule. Buckeyes can’t help that the Big 10 can’t field any competition outside of the states of Michigan and Ohio, but man, you don’t play anybody until…. November?
Big 10 – Change the name. Change it now. It should be the “Big Two or Three Depending on How Nebraska and Penn State Does”.
Pac 12 – I really don’t see how some pundits are calling this conference on a par with the SEC. They’re as top heavy as we are but there’s more disparity between the top of that conference and the rest of the pack.
LSU – Run, Leonard, Run!!!!!
Polls – Things will shake out by the time the end of the season approaches. The thing that concerns me is that at 4, 5, and 6 you have three teams that don’t play conference championship games (Notre Dame, TCU, and Baylor). The thing that really concerns me is that the CFB  committee might decide to make up for last year when they left out TCU and Baylor. 13 games is greater than 12 no matter how you slice it.
Well, That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth



The Honoree of this week’s award goes to none other than ESPN’s….

Mark May

Why you may ask?

Because he’s Mark May


Q: Dear Mister Wizard

We done got ourselves one hell of a problem.

We was a watching the Tennessee and Florida game and was getting excited towards the end of that damn thing (Before the Gators started cheating) and we was a hooting and hollering for them Vol’s and then it happened!

My boy Bobby has got him this pet squirrel he named “Peyton” (after Peyton Manning) and he was a holding it and a petting it for good luck and we got to hollering and that damn squirrel done went and bit Bobby’s nipple clean off and now that damn thing is a hiding in the double-wide somewheres.

Can you help us?


Troy – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Troy, thank you for the unusual email…

I would suggest renaming the squirrel “Hannibal Lector” and wait for the little rascal to come out of hiding after he gets over last week’s loss to the Gators.

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

I have got a stupid question for you…

What’s the difference between a yard gnome and a midget?

Tommy – Butte, Montana

A: Answer: about three inches in height, a bad haircut and a pair of funny shoes.

I will let you decide what goes with whom…

Q: Hello my name is Mambo and I come from Somalia

I love America and enjoy American College Football

My understanding is not so good, but it is good to watch

Life is good in America; many people do not know how good it is here

I have business here in New Jersey of America

Life in Somalia was very hard

I had one brother killed by a lion

I had one brother that was killed by a water buffalo

My other brother was killed by a seal

It was a Navy SEAL, but then again he was a Somali pirate, but that is another story

Thank you to The CFB Wizard of College Football, I enjoy this site very much

Mambo – Newark, New Jersey

A: You know life wasn’t always easy in this country either my friend

Immigrants such as yourself came to this country and worked hard and sacrificed

And if they didn’t pay insurance money to my Italian friends in Jersey

They burned their business down….Welcome to America Mambo

Q: Dear Sir –

I live in a damn apartment outside of Augusta Georgia and I can’t enjoy my damn college football games for all the loud “Beeping” “Beeping” going on outside the apartment!

It’s probably somebody moving in or whatever but it’s driving me crazy!

Thanks for letting me vent

Cliff – Augusta, Georgia

A: A lot of loud “Beeping” you say? Like something “Big” was backing up?

Have you checked to see if Wynonna Judd was having a concert in town last weekend?

It’s a reasonable question…

Q: Dear Mr. College Football Wizard

We the undersigned of the Native American Tribes of North America respectfully request that you refrain from using the racist term of “The Fighting Sioux” in regards to the University of North Dakota, as well as other such derogatory language with outdated college mascots and nicknames.

Sincerely –

Johnny “Blue Dove” Trimble – Minot, North Dakota

A: For your information sir, I happen to be 1/160th Choctaw Indian.

My “Native American” name is “Che-No Wa –Do – See”

Loosely translated this means “A flatulent show pony”

So there….

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

You have made no mention of it, but I was wondering if you were excited that Pope Francis was visiting the United States? I think it’s awesome!


Annette – New Orleans, Louisiana

A: Actually Annette I was excited and then somewhat disappointed.

You see, Pope Francis was “supposed” to come to the RTR Farm as a part of his tour but for a variety of reasons had to cancel that part of his trip. Here is a brief transcript of our recent phone conversation:

POPE: Michael how are you my son?

ME: Doing well Frank, how’s the trip going?

POPE: I have asked you to please call me Holy Father or Your Imminence

ME: And I have told you before your Vatican-ness that I am a Baptist. We don’t recognize you as a deity, but don’t feel bad we don’t recognize each other in Hooter’s or the liquor store either.

POPE: The trip is going well, so many people in need to see here.

ME: So are you coming down here to hunt? Because if you do you are going to have to drop the white gown thingy you are wearing or we won’t see or kill anything. Drop the pointed hat too. I have enough problems without people seeing me with some guy in a sheet in a pointed hat running around the farm, if you catch my drift.

POPE: Like calling yourself the “Wizard” is a good thing, however I doubt that I can travel to your farm on this trip my son. But I do have a question for you.

ME: Fire away Frank…

POPE: Why are you always picking against my beloved Notre Fighting Irish?

ME: I thought you were from Argentina?

POPE: Don’t dodge the question my son or you will not receive absolution.

ME: Well I don’t drink Vodka, but suffice to say I won’t be picking them this week. 

POPE: That disappoints me my son, I have to run, peace out.

EDITORS NOTE: He’s a cool cat when you get him away from the Pope Mobile.



I know that many of you are still upset over last weeks games…

You are upset that your team “should have won”

Some of you (most of us actually) will be even more upset as the season unfolds

Let me remind you all of one very important “Life Lesson” before you start calling for your head football coach to be fired and the athletic director to be burned at the stake.

Life isn’t about “winning”

It’s all about “Losing”

Everyone wants to win, but it’s how you handle losing that defines who you are

That’s a Fact

I am afraid the once mighty Hokies are real Turkeys.

ARMY: I am still stunned you actually won a football game…
I do however believe that when the opposing team from last week

(The Horticulture and Lawn Grooming Academy of Poughkeepsie New York)

Continued to trip and get tied up in your reflective PT Belts….

Well, that should have been a penalty

KENTUCKY: “Yes” I did actually pick you to win last week and you delivered

Now I don’t feel so stupid

Congratulations Wildcats

ARKANSAS MONTICELLO: Speaking of “Feeling Stupid”…

I pick the Bo Weevils every damn week and every damn week you “Lost”

Bo Jackson is upset too, just so you know

ST OLAF: (Please see Arkansas Monticello “above”)

MICHIGAN: I know I didn’t pick the Wolverines last week…

(Thank you all for reminding me)

But that was an impressive win


SOUTHERN METHODIST: Damn it Mustangs…Damn it

UTAH: Thanks for making me look like a damn genius last week…

I am guessing the Oregon Ducks are glad you only brought “Two Utes” to the game or that ass whipping would have been even uglier.

AUBURN: My War Eagle faithful this is no time to panic…

I would wait two more weeks if I were you

TENNESSEE: I recognize that this will fall on deaf ears for most Volunteer fans…
But I am going to say it anyway..


TEXAS: Sorry Charlie, but you ain’t the guy…..


Thursday, October 1

Miami (FL) at Cincinnati
I recognize that Hurricane season doesn’t officially begin until November 1st
Close enough…

Friday, October 2

Memphis at South Florida
I know I wrote this last week…
But I seriously do a phenomenal Elvis impersonation..
(I even curled my upper lip to one side when I wrote this pick)

Temple at Charlotte
I don’t really give a Hoot about this game…
OWLS 34-17 

Connecticut at Brigham Young
It seems like a long way to travel for the Huskies to get their ass kicked..
That kind of makes me sad…

Saturday, October 3

Ole Miss at Florida
“Upset Special”…..
I didn’t stutter 

Arkansas at Tennessee
The Razorbacks will make this game closer than you think…
Don’t blink
(I’m serious)
VOWELS 28-27

Mississippi State at Texas A&M
The Aggies are for real….
There I said it

North Alabama at Valdosta State
This game is going to be a fight from the opening kickoff until the final whistle..
Believe it

St. Olaf College at St. Thomas (MN)
A word of wisdom for the “O” and 4 German “Saint Ollie”
Play a little more football and a little less planning on invading Poland
(Thank you)
OLLIE 24-17

Florida Tech at Delta State
There is absolutely nothing I don’t like about Okra
I like it fried, I like it anyway, even “Fighting”
Well unless it’s Okra Winfrey, I think she is a worthless jackass.

Arizona at Stanford
I have a philosophical question….
The “wildcats” of Arizona….
Isn’t all that sand in Arizona like a big litter box?
(I don’t know where I was going with this one)

Arizona State at UCLA
If you are still “up” at midnight Eastern Standard Time…..
Then this is the game for you!!
(Unless you like infomercials on growing hair)

Pittsburgh at Virginia Tech
I am afraid these Turkeys are roasted….

South Carolina at Missouri
I still have faith in Coach Steve…
Not a lot, but enough for this pick

Purdue at Michigan State
This Old Big Ten (Sixteen..) rivalry is played each year for the coveted..
“Commode of Ode”
(I think it’s a toilet that once belonged to some Swedish guy)

Minnesota at Northwestern
Don’t you just love these Big Ten (sixteen or eighteen) rivalry games? 
I know I do!
This one is played each year for the “Potted Meat Sombrero”
(I bet that damn thing smells like ass and old peoples feet)

Iowa at Wisconsin
Here we go (yet) again….
This Big (Something or another) Conference “rivalry” is played for
 “The Heartland Trophy”

Nathaniel Greenbaum

Nathaniel Greenbaum


EDITORS NOTE: What the hell does a “Golden Bull” have to do with the “heartland”?

Army at Penn State
The cadets of West Point “might” win two games in a row…..
And I might….
Marry a 29 year old deaf mute supermodel that owns a chain of liquor stores

Kansas at Iowa State
I am convinced that “IF” the Jayhawks of Kansas scrimmaged themselves…
They would still lose

West Virginia at Oklahoma
A Brief Public Service Announcement
There will be no burning couches in Morgantown on Saturday Night….
That is all…

Texas at Texas Christian
Damn It Longhorns….

Central Florida at Tulane
I was honestly trying to remember why I was supposed to care about this game
Then I remembered that I didn’t

Houston at Tulsa
I will say it again in case you weren’t paying attention
These Cats are for real…
COUGARS 38-24 

Louisville at NC State
There was a time that I pulled for the Carolina Wolfpack…
I just don’t remember when that time was

Ohio at Akron
This Big Rivalry in the Buckeye State is played for the….
“Interstate 70, 71, 75, 76, 271(Interchange), 275 (Bypass) Exit 321 Trophy”
(Basically the trophy is a large orange construction road cone)

Washington State at California
I won’t be up this late….
I’m just saying
DA BEARS 33-24
Wyoming at Appalachian State
As an Appalachian- American….
I have to go with my fellow hyphenated American’s in this one
(Don’t Be Hating)

Air Force at Navy
The Midshipmen will win the Commander in Chief’s Trophy this season…
Believe it

Florida State at Wake Forest
Last week the Demon Deacons Lost to the Hoosiers of Indiana
Enough said…
North Carolina at Georgia Tech
The truth is….
Both of these two teams are playing like Hoover vacuum cleaners…
They suck
Boston College at Duke
When you sue the John Wayne Estate over the term “Duke”
Then I am going to hate on you….
It’s how I roll pilgrim
Ursinus at Moravian
This game confuses me….
When did they combine “Urology” with the “Sinus Department”?
(That seems really gross to me…)
MO-RONS 24-17

Susquehanna at Muhlenberg
I haven’t picked either of these gals all year….
They have both been working out getting ready for this rumble
They are scheduled to meet between the monkey bars and the swing set at the trailer park
(No shanks or razors allowed ladies)
SUSIE Q 24-17

Arkansas-Monticello at Oklahoma Baptist
Damn it Bo…..
IM OK 41-17

Alabama at Georgia
I don’t feel too confident in this pick…
But I Only Roll One Way

Texas Tech at Baylor
The Red Raiders came close to making my “Upset Special” last week a reality…
Let it Ride…

Nebraska at Illinois
I would watch this game but…..
VH1 “Behind the Music” on Slim Whitman is on….
(I have priorities too you know)

Ohio State at Indiana
Somewhere, somebody is going to try and make a “case” that this is a matchup….
“Of Two Undefeated Titans”…..
Yeah, good luck with that one…

Old Dominion at Marshall
There are fewer places on planet earth prettier than Huntington West Virginia in the Fall
That’s a Fact

Western Kentucky at Rice
Important nutritional facts…
Two things are known to definitely help anyone lose weight
1. Rice Cakes
2. Any pictures of Lean Dunham in her underwear
(Glad I could help)

Mississippi State at Texas A&M
It’s not that the Bully Dogs are a Bad Football team, they are NOT..
But the Aggies are just better..

Kansas State at Oklahoma State
I don’t know if this qualifies as an “upset” or not
Unless you are a Cowboy’s fan….

San José State at Auburn
Let’s speed this along….
Give Jose’ his damn check and beat his ass so Auburn fans will shut up for a week

Mississippi Valley State at Jacksonville State
This one is going to be uglier than a pole dancing midget…
And more entertaining too….
(Unless you are into that kind of thing; I’m not judging you)

Montana at UC Davis
It’s against my religion to pull for any team from California…
Sorry (But not really)

North Dakota at Portland State
I was unaware that the “Vikings” sailed all the way to Portland Oregon….
Talk about getting lost

Grambling State at Jackson State
This may not be the “best” football played on Saturday…
But they damn sure have the best bands
Don’t leave your seat at halftime

North Dakota State at South Dakota State
This rivalry between the “Dakotas” is played for the “Dakota Marker”
Two Words for you…

East Carolina at Southern Methodist
Come on Mustangs…

Georgia Southern at Louisiana Monroe
I do love those folks from West Monroe…
But these Boys from Statesboro are for real

Colorado State at Utah State
I just have a “feeling” on this game….
I hope that feeling isn’t from that chili I made last night
AGGIES 34-31

South Alabama at Troy
This is going to be a South Alabama Tussle….
It’s going to be a good one
Hang On

Eastern Michigan at LSU
This game is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton’s polyester pant suits.
(If that was even possible, but “yes” it will be….)

Vanderbilt at Middle Tennessee
Before last week’s game I wouldn’t have made this pick
But now it’s Anchor’s Down..
North Texas at Southern Mississippi
I can almost smell that Hattiesburg BBQ smoking from here….

Louisiana Lafayette at Louisiana Tech
The Cajuns aren’t so Rajun this year….

Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky
For the second week in a row I am picking the Wildcats
(I know, I can hardly believe it myself)

Notre Dame at Clemson
If you guessed that this was your “Upset Special”
Then you would be correct

Montana State at Northern Arizona
This one is too close to call…
But I am going with the boys from the Big Sky Country

Carson-Newman at Lenoir-Rhyne
For the last damn time…..
It’s spelled “Leann Rimes”!!!!!!!
Can’t you people get anything right?

Becker College at Norwich
Even though the cadets haven’t won a game all damn year….
I cannot pull for a school that sounds like it’s full of rich yankee snobs
CADETS 28-21

Harding at Ouachita Baptist
This game is going to be full of fire and brimstone…
Then Harding gets Baptized

Michigan at Maryland
Let’s get this straight…
I pick the Wolverines to “win” and they lose
I pick them to “lose” and they win
Now we are back on track…

New Mexico State at New Mexico
This rivalry in the land of sand and cactus was once called…
“The Battle for I-25” but is more commonly referred to today as..
“The Rio Grande Rivalry”
It is played for the coveted “Maloof Trophy”
(In case you were wondering it looks like a gorilla paw attached to a shoe)
LOBOS 31-17

EDITORS NOTE: Don’t feel bad, I don’t understand that “trophy” either

Oregon at Colorado
The Ducks got plucked last week…..
The Quack is Back on Saturday
(My rhyming skills impress even me)

Hawaii at Boise State
The Rainbow Warriors are racking up some fantastic air miles this season…
At least they have that going for them
BRONCO’S 55-10 

Next Week…..

Your Week 6 College Football Picks should be out at the same time next week….
Just as you expect, so stay tuned

One More Thing….

We are going to briefly depart from the serious subjects of late on

There is a “new’ story on there waiting for you

If it doesn’t get a giggle out of you, then I can’t help you

Enjoy your weekend


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