Ladies and Gentlemen –
The full menu of college football begins this week and there is a virtual plethora, a veritable cornucopia of commentary, college football news and the first picks of the 2015 season to get you ready for game day.
EDITORS NOTE: In case you were wondering I discovered those “power words” in a thesaurus, which until recently I thought was a dinosaur with a speech impediment.
Enjoy…
A BRIEF COMMENTARY BY THE CFB WIZARD
I think I speak for everyone reading this site at the moment.
This time of the year, the excitement builds for two very obvious reasons.
One, it’s time for the kickoff of the college football season.
Two, David Hasselhoff has a new music video out
I know, I can hardly contain myself either
SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS
Greetings from the Heart of SEC Country!!!
Football season has once again mercifully descended upon us, putting an end to months of anticipation and anxiousness regarding our favorite teams. The South Third Gang made the short trip to Alamo to take on the Canines of Wheeler County and they did not disappoint. The Boys in Blue put up a score in every quarter and headed back to McRae with a resounding 27-6 victory. Cam Smith hauled in a TD pass from Ian Blankenship and Brandon Mackey chipped in a scoring jaunt of his own to highlight some of the scoring. And here’s a little secret: Ian Blankenship is the real deal. The defense was also stout, led by the one-two punch of Tyrese Ellis and Turner Flint who were instrumental in the near shutout of the Mutts. Next up for our Gladiators of the Gridiron is a trip to Wrightsville to take on the silver clad Trojans of Johnson County.
Let’s have a good turn out because this season’s looking good!!!
The college season started on Saturday as Montana hit the upset button against the Bison of North Dakota State. It continues Thursday as the Pullets of the Piedmont of South Carolina take on the Sheep of North Carolina in Charlotte.
But, what I’m interested in is the lineups on Saturday.
Up in Athens, the Red Clay Hounds will welcome in the Warhawks of Lousiana Lafayette and try to get the season off to a fast start. Nick Chubb should have a field day and enable whoever lines up a quarterback for the Dawgs to just sit back, relax, manage a win, and get ready for the following week.
Over in Hot’lanta, the Slide Rule Jocks have a warmup of their own, taking on the Braves of Alcorn State. The Jackets seem primed to make a run for the ACC Crown this year and this game should get the season started on the right foot.
And the Big Blue Machine of Statesboro makes the long trip to West Virginia to take on the Mountain Men of Morgantown in a game that just got very difficult for the Birds. If they’re going to make any noise and get the season started on a winning note they’re going to have to do it without starting QB Kevin Ellison. It’s going to be a tall order, but hopefully they can get the job done.
As I said earlier, the Chickens of Columbia take on the Tarheels of North Click on Thursday in a game that could definitely determine whether the Yardbirds have got things turned around on D and whether they’re going to have to play revolving quarterbacks as they try to keep up the momentum from the Dylan Thompson era.
The Tide of Tuscaloosa travel to Big “D” to take on the Badgers of the Cheese State in a game that could set the tone as to whether the SEC is still the Big Bullies on the Block or have had their title belts removed permanently.
And the Plainsmen of Auburn travel to the Dome in Atlanta to take on the Redbirds of Louisville in another inter-conference skirmish which might reveal whether those ACC teams are still the 98 pound weaklings of the Power 5 group or are ready to fight back against the Big Bad SEC.
Florida, Tennessee, and the rest of the conference have warm up games as they open their seasons and attempt to get their seasons started on a positive note. Stay tuned, because the conference fireworks still have another week or two to sizzle before the powder keg gets ready to be ignited.
Well, That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.
Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth
EMAIL QUESTIONS and ANSWERS
Q: Dear Dumbass
I can’t believe I wasted thirty minutes of my life reading your crap.
Your website looks cheap and amateurish and frankly you haven’t a clue to what you are talking about!
You don’t know anything!
Anonymous – Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
A: Should I call you Anon or Anon ‘O Mous?
EDITORS NOTE: That name sounds rather exotic to me…
Nonetheless you are correct I know very little about a number of topics
For example:
I am not sure why in the famous song “Everybody was Kung-Fu Fighting”
Why were they fighting?
Was “everybody” Kung-Fu fighting?
Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting, really?
Not just some people, but everybody?
That seems highly unlikely to me
Were they really, as the song says “Fast as Lightening”
(Because that’s pretty fast)
What was the disagreement that made “everybody” fight?
So many questions and so few answers there
Also too….
I don’t know why someone would name their child after something that sounds like a venereal disease or a foot fungus medication.
Q: Dear CFB Wizard –
I heard you have been sick lately, are you ok?
Toni – Biloxi, Mississippi
A: Thank you so much for asking Toni…
It’s this time of the year I typically get an extreme case of Boogie Fever that usually turns into Rocking Phenomena and the Boogie Woogie Flu…
I hear it’s going around.
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard –
Do you have any words of wisdom to share with us before the season kicks off?
Thanks!
Greg – Atlanta, Georgia
A: Yes I do and thank you for asking
Never trust a grown man over thirty years old that still uses a nickname like
“Skip” or “Chip”
Q: Hey listen, I got a question I need answering right damn now!
How far can you stick a Q-Tip in your ear?
Roy – Chattanooga, Tennessee
A: Sir, you have sent your question to the wrong website.
Please send your question my other website…
“Turn your head and cough with Dr. Mike”, thank you
Q: Hey there Mister Wizard Man!
We is a getting ready for the big ole tailgate around here cause it’s Football Time in Tennessee!
So here’s my question, my wife and I have a been to every IGA and Piggly Wiggly in the area and we can’t a find what we is looking for.
We knows they make Tuna Helper and Hamburger Helper, but do them folks make Muskrat and Squirrel Helper?
GO VOLS!
Roy and Trudy – Johnson City, Tennessee
A: I just threw up a little bit thinking about that, sorry
Q: Hey Mister CFB Wizard
My boy Tommy Junior is ten years old; we just call him “Junior” because he’s named after me.
Well, he has ten toes on each foot, that boy swims like a dolphin!
But here is my question; do you think he would make a good football player?
He has got a lot of extra traction, if you know what I mean.
What do think?
Tommy (Sr.) and Debbie and Tommy (Jr.) – Paducah, Kentucky
A: First question, is “Junior” growing up around power lines?
Q: Hi my name is Timmy and I am seven years old. I am in second grade.
My Daddy let me use the computer to ask you a question, ok?
We live in Columbus Ohio
I go to the Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes Elementary School here.
I make good grades too!
My Mommy and Daddy are Michigan Wolverine fans and they said to ask you if I should wear my Wolverine jersey to school this week, is that ok?
Timmy – Columbus, Ohio
A: I love hearing from the children.
They are so precocious and full of wonderment
Listen closely Timmy…
Tell your Daddy to enroll you in a private school immediately before you get the living hell beaten out of you and the other kids treat you like a dirty rag at a Jiffy Lube
Q: Hey Mister CFB Wizard
I know you are big tailgater, so you got any big plans this weekend to start the season?
Troy – Jackson, Tennessee
A: Troy, as you must have heard by now I am rather famous in the world of tailgating.
The preparations for this coming weekend’s festivities have begun, but not without a few glitches. For example:
The “Earth Wind and Fire” cover band I had hired from the nearby nursing home didn’t work out as planned. “Lionel “Fred Williams” Richie” broke his hip while tripping on his sequin jumpsuit while rehearsing “Brick House”. So they cancelled.
I hired a James Brown impersonator from the local assisted living facility and I came to find out he actually went by “Jorge’ (Rodriguez) Brown” and he has a prosthetic leg.
When I called him to audition over the phone he said, “I feel bad”
I replied, “That’s not how the song goes”
More on The CFB Wizard’s epic tailgate event in another article…
Q: Dear Sir Wizard Man!
Thank you so much for publishing your recent emails about gender related issues.
You have no idea how enlightening and refreshing that is in today’s world!
When I saw your first letter from the perspective Clemson football uniform designer, my hands went into the air to thank my nonexistent superior being I like to think of as a multi-sexual gender neutral spirit I like to refer to as “obo”.
Now that the discussion is open how does a person or persons (In your opinion) determine which gender they associate with on a daily or weekly basis? Thank you!
Paul or Paulina – Piscataway, New Jersey
A: “IF” for whatever reason……
You wake up one morning and you don’t know what gender you are, look in your pants.
Problem Solved
You are Welcome America
DUMBASS OF THE WEEK
This week’s winner is well deserved.
Recently as parents were dropping their sons and daughters off at Old Dominion University for the start of the academic year, one fraternity thought it would be a “good idea” to hang hand painted sheets from their fraternity house directing parents to “Drop Your Daughters Off Here”. This message was followed by some rather foul and crude messages of what would happen to their daughters once they arrived at the fraternity house.
So let me be sure I have this correct
So there wasn’t “one” person in the entire fraternity that said “Hey, maybe this isn’t a good idea”
Not one…
And there wasn’t a single administrator that saw those crude and disgusting signs and thought
“Maybe we need to have those dumbasses take those signs down”
I am guessing Old Dominion doesn’t offer a degree in “Common Sense”
SAFETY TIP OF THE WEEK
This weekend ESPN College football “commentator” and serial ear rapist Beth Mowins will verbally and physically assault someone’s ear canal.
Don’t let it be you.
Always have the remote control handy and be prepared to hit the “mute” button.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
AUSTIN PEAY: I don’t know if this is the “best” college football promotional video of the year
But it’s Close
DELTA STATE: It’s that time of the year to remind you all…
Fear the Okra
COLLEGE MARCHING BANDS: The other day I heard a couple of people discussing college marching bands behind me in my local grocery store and one person said something about a trumpet players “embouchure” and I thought they said “Amish Whore”.
I can’t believe those two people got so mad at me when I asked for clarification.
I guess they never heard of the old adage….
“There is no such thing as a dumb question”
THE BEST EVER
Each and every time around this year…
I miss the college football commentary team of….
Keith Jackson and Frank Broyles
The very best there has ever been (Ever)
Amen
ARMY: The Army Chief of Staff, General Martin Dempsey and West Point Military Academy recently announced…..
“Army will be far too busy with other stuff to play Navy this year; that is all”
TEXAS A&M: If Texas A&M doesn’t honor the Great John David Crow this season who passed away on June 17th of this year, then there is no religion in Aggie Land.
ILLIONIS: Nothing like starting the season without your head football coach.
There goes that big two win season you all were counting on.
THE GAMES
Thursday, September 3
North Carolina at South Carolina
One of the best games on the menu to start the season….
Carolina verses Carolina
GAMECOCKS 34-17
Florida International at Central Florida
So what’s “International” about Florida International?
Never mind…..
I just remembered there is an International House of Pancakes, just off campus.
GOLDEN KNIGHTS 44-21
Fort Valley State at Delta State
Three words…..
FEAR THE OKRA 33-24
Cumberland College at Carson-Newman
I knew some people that constantly bragged that they graduated from “Cumberland”
Most of them were first class turd sniffers….
SPARKS EAGLES 44-17
Ouachita Baptist at East Central
I get this question all the time….
“What is a Ouachita Baptist”?
Let me dispel some rumors right now
“NO” they don’t handle any snakes…
“NO” they will not recognize each other in Hooters
“NO” they will not recognize each other in the liquor store.
(I hope that has cleared up any misunderstanding)
GOTCHA BAPTIST 33-24
Northwestern Oklahoma State at Arkansas-Monticello
This Week, The Great Bo Jackson made this pick for you
“Bo Knows Weevils…”
Enough said….
BO WEEVILS 28-24
Fort Lewis at Montana State
The Bobcats of State continue the Wild Week in Big Sky Country
BOBCATS 44-21
Oklahoma State at Central Michigan
O’ Yeah this one will be close…
COWBOY UP! 89-3
Elon at Wake Forest
I wish I cared, but I don’t…..
DEMON DEACONS 48-10
Alcorn State at Georgia Tech
Seriously “Alcorn” State….to start the season?
Gee Whiz…
YELLOW JACKETS 102-3
Western Kentucky at Vanderbilt
Don’t be surprised if this isn’t the first “Upset” of the season
I’m serious
COMMODORES 24-21
Michigan at Utah
The Wolverines will win this game if my name isn’t “Jedidiah Hoopastank”
(Don’t judge me, that’s my Amish Rock and Roll name..)
WOLVERINES 28-21
Texas Christian at Minnesota
This game will be a lot closer than you think…
Believe it
HORNED FROGS 44-34
Ohio at Idaho
Famous Potatoes gets mashed…..
FRANK’S CATS 33-17
Duke at Tulane
I was trying to remember why I “cared” about this game…
Then I was reminded that I actually “don’t”
BLUE DEVILS 41-24
Texas San Antonio at Arizona
Seriously?
ROD’S CATS 54-10
Abilene Christian at Fresno State
This one is going to be uglier than Hillary Clinton in a bikini…
(Sorry for the visual)
BULLDOGS 77-10
Colorado at Hawaii
Little known fact: The Florida State Seminoles refuse to play Hawaii..
Do you know why?
Because they are afraid “Dog the Bounty Hunter” would round up three quarters of the team before kickoff, yeah it’s like that
BUFFALOS 41-38
Friday, September 4
Michigan State at Western Michigan
I was planning on watching this game until I realized….
It’s “Sea Monkey Week” on the Discovery Channel!
SPARTANS 41-21
MIT at Worcester Polytechnic
This particular game presents a bit of a dilemma for me…
On one hand I like the Mississippi Institute of Technology…
And I like Worcester Sauce, but was seemingly unaware that it now comes in a polytechnic bottle.
Decisions, decisions….
MAGNOLIA MISS 28-24
Fordham at Army
Be All You Can Be…..
THE (Former) BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 3-2
Baylor at SMU
My Poor Ponies, damn it
DA BEARS 114-24
Rhode Island at Syracuse
I cannot in good conscience support, nor cheer for a team whose entire existence is based upon a lie.
Rhode “Island” is NOT an island; it’s an isthmus you lying bunch of jackasses. ORANGE 41-10
Weber State at Oregon State
Those Weber people make one heck of grill and a smoker….
I’m just saying…
MIGHTY BEAVERS 54-10
Kent State at Illinois
I wonder why they don’t have “Sea Monkeys” at Sea World
It just doesn’t seem right….
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 21-17
Washington at Boise State
I wouldn’t call this one an “Upset”…
But my Black Lab “Doc” would
BRONCOS 31-27
Saturday, September 5
Louisiana Monroe at Georgia
This one is going to over before you hear….
“O’ Say can you see…”
BULLDOGS 51-14
Worcester State College at Salve Regina
Now I’m confused…..
Didn’t we just “pick” Worcester Sauce (above)?
And this other college is clearly misspelled
It’s supposed to say “Rico Suave”
(Picking these games isn’t as easy as it looks folks)
WORCESTER SAUCE PART II 28-21
Harding at Oklahoma Baptist
For those of you wondering what an “Oklahoma” Baptist is….
They wear cowboy boots to church and carry guns
Just so you know….
CARRY OKIE 31-28
Miles and North Alabama
The Mighty Lions of Florence will Roll, Believe it
MIGHTY LIONS 44-17
Tennessee-Martin at Ole Miss
Before the obvious questions begin let’s address them here.
Ole Miss is playing this “particular” team from for a very good reason
The Tupelo Dance and Tumble Academy was already booked….
BLACK FOAM RUBBER BEARS 68-2
Stanford at Northwestern
I only have one hour left of “Sea Monkey Week” on the Discovery Channel…
Sorry…
CARDINAL 38-17
Colgate at Navy
The kids from Toothpaste University are going to get the paste stomped out of them
Believe it
MIDSHIPMEN 41-13
Norfolk State at Rutgers
I don’t feel bad about not watching this game…
Even the people at the game won’t be watching the game
SCARLET KNIGHTS 44-7
South Dakota State at Kansas
Don’t be surprised if the Jayhawks go down in this one…
Yes, I am serious
JAYHAWKS 27-24
Illinois State at Iowa
There are more creampuffs in this week’s schedule than there are at Krispy Kreme HAWKEYES 49-10
Richmond at Maryland
Seriously, I don’t care….
MULTI-COLORED EYE CHART TURTLES 3-2
Wofford at Clemson
Who sends their kid to a college that sounds like a symptom of tuberculosis?
DABO’S TIGERS 44-10
Maine at Boston College
Both schools are ten miles from the arctic circle, so I don’t care
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 88-3
Portland State at Washington State
Any more creampuffs and I am going into sugar shock…
MIKE’S COUGARS 51-10
Brigham Young at Nebraska
I don’t feel particularly confident in this pick…
Just so you know..
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 28-24
Sam Houston State at Texas Tech
Please take note here Peggy Sue…
When in the beautiful city of Lubbock, don’t forget to see…
The Buddy Holly Museum
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS 49-21
Penn State at Temple
I still miss seeing Jo Pa on the sidelines….
NITTANY LIONS 44-10
Wagner at Rice
I was completely unaware that the famous vacuum cleaner company had a college?
Who knew?
HOOTERS 38-7
Florida Atlantic at Tulsa
Please note….
“IF” you have friend over tailgating who is getting liquored up….
And they say…
“Who wants to see a Golden Hurricane!”
Stop them immediately!
They are about to pee in the back of your box fan and “NO”….
I don’t want to talk about it…
GOLDEN HURRICANES 33-24
UTEP at Arkansas
The Boys from El Paso drove a long way for an Arkansas ass whipping….
RAZORBACKS 41-14
Louisville at Auburn
Believe it or not, this one could go either way….
Hang on to Your Seats Folks, this one may be wild
WAR EAGLE 41-31
Virginia at UCLA
I was wrong….
There is thirty more minutes on “Sea Monkey” Week on the Discovery Channel
(I have my priorities in order)
BRUIN BEARS 28-17
Morgan State at Air Force
Prepare to be Carpet Bombed….
FALCONS 34-10
Presbyterian College at Miami (OH)
I know, I know….
I have never understood the mascot of Presbyterian College
“Blue Ho’s” really?
Then I saw a part of some Miley Cyrus video….
I get it..
THE CRADLE OF COACHES 31-28
Howard at Appalachian State
I have some bad news for Howard…
That Ole Boy is going to get his ass kicked
MOUNTAINEERS 41-3
Savannah State at Colorado State
There is some good news here….
They boys from Savannah will enjoy the beautiful view of the mountains…
While they are getting their collective asses kicked
RAM TOUGH 77-0
North Dakota at Wyoming
Cowboys and Indians….
That’s the way to start college football season…
FIGHTING SIOUX 24-21
Bowling Green at Tennessee
Following this game The “Vol Nation” will declare themselves…
“National Champions” of Upper Northwest Ohio”
VOWELS 51-24
Southeast Missouri State at Missouri
I wonder what Curley and Larry thought of Mo’s opening opponent.
MO’S TIGERS 107-3
Southern Illinois at Indiana
We don’t care do we?
Of course we don’t…
HOOSIER DADDY 3-2
Grambling State at California
(Please see the pick above for clarification)
BEARS 6-3
Bethune-Cookman at Miami (FL)
Isn’t that a school of culinary arts?
I mean it has “Cook Man” in the name, right?
This is just stupid…
HURRICANES 55-10
Troy at North Carolina State
Sometime this season I will be forced to tell my “Helen of Troy” joke (again)
It still makes me laugh…
Never mind I drifted there for a minute
WOLFPACK 31-17
Towson at East Carolina
Doesn’t “Towson” make Cookies?
No wait, that’s “Tollhouse”
Never mind, sorry…
PIRATES 104-2
Akron at Oklahoma
This game is going to be uglier than your great-grandmother getting drunk and doing a strip tease in front of your friends on your thirteenth birthday party.
(I am deeply sorry if this conjured up any painful memories for any Auburn fans)
BOOMER DAMN SOONERS 235-3
Missouri State at Memphis
The Boy’s from Memphis have got this one in the bag..
Thank you, thank you very much….
(“Yes” I curled my lip when I wrote that)
ELVIS’S TIGERS 44-10
Florida A&M at South Florida
This game is some bull…
DA BULLS 41-31
Alabama A&M at Cincinnati
Coach Tommy of Cincinnati….
Let me say something “nice” about him here
He has the personality of a jackass eating a mouth full of briars
There you go..
BEARKATS 51-10
Southern at Louisiana Tech
My German Sheppard “Sadie” and Black Lab “Doc” made this pick..
BULL DAMN DOGS 41-10
Arizona State at Texas A&M
Call me crazy, it’s nothing I haven’t heard from mental health professionals
GIG EM AGGIES 38-28
Louisiana Lafayette at Kentucky
This is the first step in the Wildcats…
Making a determined run at the Conference USA title this year…
Good Luck
WILDCATS 31-28
South Dakota at Kansas State
You aren’t going to “surprise” the Wildcats for one very good reason
There isn’t anything Coach Bill Snyder hasn’t seen…
To include but not limited to:
Watching Moses part the Red Sea….
Signing the Declaration of Independence
And…
Charging San Juan Hill with Teddy Roosevelt
BILL’S CATS 44-10
Texas at Notre Dame
Although I am not confident in this pick
It is against my religious beliefs…
To pick against the Longhorns when playing Notre Dame
(It’s in the Bible)
HOOK EM HORNS 28-24
Georgia Southern at West Virginia
The Southern Eagles will make this a better game than you think…
It’s going to be close
MOUNTAINEERS 34-31
McNeese State at LSU
The Cowboys have the same chance of winning this game…
As I do of meeting a 28 year old deaf mute super model who owns her own chain of liquor stores
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 143-3
New Mexico State at Florida
Slightly off the subject of this game….
I have noticed that the only difference between “New” Mexico and “Old” Mexico is…
“New” Mexico has better roads, drinkable water, and more Mexicans.
GATORS 216-0
Wisconsin at Alabama
This game is going to be a lot tighter than most people think..
A Lot Tighter
CRIMSON TIDE 28-24
Texas State at Florida State
Ironically the Seminoles scheduled this game because they were under the misguided impression that “Texas State” was somehow associated with the “State Penitentiary” system in Texas.
Thereby considering this game a part of their “student – athlete exchange program”…
CRIMINOLES 54-10
Eastern Washington at Oregon
Do you know what is a fun word to use?
“Guadalupe”
As in: “I have to leave work early today because my Guadalupe is swollen”
QUACKERS 89-17
Northern Iowa at Iowa State
Since none of us care about this game; so it’s time for a fun fact about “The CFB Wizard”
Although I am known as “Rascadango” the “Action Movie Star” throughout Latin American
My use of the Spanish language is somewhat questionable.
Case in point:
Recently I asked a waiter at a local Mexican restaurant where the bathroom was located. He pointed towards the corner of the cabana where the mariachi band was playing and said something that sounded like “Banjo” to me.
Soon after urinating in one of the musical instruments I was escorted out of the building.
I guess they didn’t recognize me……..
CYCLONES 28-24
Tennessee Tech at Houston
If I was in Houston I might care about this game…
I’m not, so I don’t…
COUGARS 41-24
Mississippi State at Southern Mississippi
There is one thing the State Bulldogs will not be lacking this year…
“More Cowbell”
BULLY DOGS 49-14
Arkansas State at Southern California
Sadly this contest will not be decided by a “Dance Off”..
Or it might be more entertaining..
(Also too I wanted to be able to include the phrase “Pop N Lock” in this week’s picks)
TROJANS 58-10
Sunday, September 6
Purdue at Marshall
I Believe….
WE ARE MARSHALL
Monday, September 7
Ohio State at Virginia Tech
Lightening doesn’t strike in the same place twice, even in Blacksburg
Sorry….
BUCKEYES 44-24
Next Week…
Providing of course we all survive the opening week of college football, your Week 2 Picks will be out next week for your entertainment and enjoyment. Along with a surprise or two to keep you motivated.
So stay tuned…
One More Thing…
I truly appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedules to read this college football website and Mikerights. I derive a great deal of pleasure knowing I can get a giggle or two out of you, even at a distance. Thank you all,
Enjoy your games
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD