Your PC Introduction to 2015 College Football

July 30, 2015


Let me take a moment to introduce myself

I am Dr. Ima Big A. Hole PhD of Harvard University and I am the Chairperson for the federally mandated program of the Department Under Mass-media Bias Against All Southern Society (DUMBAAS)

As you may know we are federally mandated to provide public awareness on several pressing issues of social significance, thus we have temporarily commandeered this college football website that has violated our guidelines in political correctness more times than we can count.

Please do not be alarmed, this isn’t a government “takeover” of the CFB Wizard. On the contrary, this is nothing more than a public service, to raise your awareness and social conscience about this government’s organization’s proposed changes to collegiate sports this upcoming football season.

I think we can all agree that perhaps the biggest social injustice that prevails in America today is..

Racist sports team’s names and mascots

These hurtful, spiteful and insensitive names are a stain on our national character and have cast a long shadow upon us as a nation that demands justice.

I am proud to announce that DUMBAAS’s in the Federal government, with the cooperation of the NCAA, have conducted a vigorous review of this long neglected social issue within college athletics and submitted our findings and recommendations to the Department of Justice.

Our comprehensive, common sense suggested reforms will address the cries begging for social justice.

Below are a few of the most heinous and hurtful offenders in college athletics…

Alabama – “Crimson Tide”

Clearly this disgusting “nickname” is in reference to a woman’s menstrual cycle.
This horrible name is not only demeaning to women everywhere, but gives one the impression of women being subjugated and enslaved by men who want to keep them, barefoot and pregnant while chained to a hot stove.

Auburn – “War Eagle”

Although our committee has nothing negative to state about the term “Eagle” as an endangered species and the symbol of our nation that has committed atrocities across the globe, we do however take exception to the use of the word “War”.

We will simply state from the famous 60’s protest song….

“War, what is it good for, absolutely nothing”

There is nothing that can’t be solved by open and honest dialog. There is never a need for war.

We have strongly suggested that Auburn University begin using the term..

“Peace Eagle”

Ole Miss – “Rebels”

Although none of the committee from DUMBAAS has actually been to the south we have however watched “Mississippi Burning” twice and therefore have become acquainted with and are experts on the culture and customs of the vile white racist southerner.

The term “rebel” does nothing more than illicit visions of confederate flags and the Klu Klux Klan.

In fact we feel so strongly about this disparaging “term” that we have contacted Turner Classic Movies and Warner Home Entertainment to strongly encourage them to change the title of the James Dean classic “Rebel without a Cause” to

“Transgendered Person of Color WITH a Cause”.

We think it has a nice social justice ring to the title.

Florida – “Gators”

Why don’t the people from the University of Florida have the courage to just say it?

By the term “Gay-tors” what they are actually saying is they want to kill all gay people.

A change in Gainesville must be made immediately to something to atone for this injustice.

The DUMBAAS committee suggests the university adopt the nickname of..


South Carolina – “Gamecocks”

We will not grace this vile, disgusting and homophobic mascot with a description, other than to say it needs to be changed immediately.

In place of this horrible mascot, we suggest a simple phrase as a nickname that will honor a valuable member of the NAACP who resigned because of hurtful and unfair claims by conservative media outlets.

We suggest:

“Spray Tan Lives Matter”

Arkansas – “Razorbacks”

As we all know a “razorback” is essentially a rather large breed of a wild pig.

This mascot is so offensive to Muslims it makes one’s eyes fill with tears at the thought of the hurtful image this portrays across the television screens on Saturday afternoon. To add insult to injury we have learned that even the fans of said university make noises during the game to emulate the sound of a pig.

This type of insensitive behavior constitutes a verbal lynching of the Muslim community and it must cease immediately. “Yes” we said “verbal lynching”.

Frankly the DUMBAAS committee was far too distraught over this mascot to offer any alternatives at this particular time.

Texas – “Longhorns”

Not only are any form of cattle usage as mascots insensitive and demeaning to Hindu’s, after all they could be someone’s mother, but for those individuals that are lactose intolerant these “types” of mascots are a constant painful reminder of their shameful disability.

North Carolina – “Tar Heels”

This is perhaps one of the most egregious mascots on the list.

What color is tar? Black right?

What color are African American’s heels?

We rest our case.

This nickname does nothing more than leave one with the impression of a subservient barefooted slave walking away from his white master to return to work in the hot fields.

The committee couldn’t come to a unanimous decision on an alternative nickname for North Carolina.

However, “White People Suck” seemed to strike a chord with many on the panel.

Our studies were not confined to just universities and colleges in the southeastern region, although I think we can all agree the bare foot, banjo playing, cousin loving racists in the south are by far the worst offenders.

Other universities and conferences throughout the nation were also singled out for their gross negligence of maintaining insensitive and racist nicknames and mascots.

Ohio State – “Buckeyes”

The committee was stunned to find that such a prestigious university in the north was harboring such a racially insensitive mascot and nickname. Let’s take a closer look at this nickname, so that our rationale can be more easily understood.

The term “Buck” was a derogatory and despicable term used in the south for a male African American slave and the term “eye” is equally as demeaning to blind people and for those people that have other disabilities related to their eyesight.

Please do not attempt to defend this vile mascot as a “nut”. That “word” should be condemned as it is a derogatory term used to demean persons with mental disorders.

Oklahoma State – “Cowboys”

We are all well aware by now that the cowboys of the old west raped Native Americans, stole their land, destroyed the buffalo, intimidated gay people and began the process of what we now know as global warming.

This moniker cannot be tolerated for another moment.

The committee strongly encourages a nickname that would indicate some contrition on the part of Oklahoma State for this astounding oversight of insensitivity.

Something along the lines of “The Apologies”

Wyoming – “Cowboys” (Please see Oklahoma State above)

Nebraska – “Cornhuskers”

The committee will state the obvious here in the form of a question.

Who gave the white settlers “corn”? The Native Americans, correct?

By bragging about “husking” said “corn” Nebraska might as well call themselves the

“Indian Rapists”

This offensive term must be changed immediately.

Indiana – “Hoosiers”

The DUMBAAS committee couldn’t determine what the term “Hoosier” actually meant and additional research into the matter was inconclusive. However, the committee was unanimous in its belief that the mascot must have a racist past as white people first settled Indiana and therefore it is reasonable to assert that they used this term to demean and degrade gays and transgendered citizens and persons of color.

The committee suggested a nickname change that would showcase the humanity of Indiana.

We determined “The Humans” would be an excellent choice.

As in any study there were however some noteworthy mascots and nicknames among the colleges and universities across this country. The DUMBAAS committee singled these universities out for their particularly insightful and culturally sensitive mascots.

Tennessee – “Volunteers”

Certainly finding a mascot so enlightened in the south was quite a shock to the committee, however encouraging America’s Youth to “Volunteer” on any number of key social and progressive issues was one of the bright spots found in this lengthy 100 million dollar DUMBAAS government study.

There hasn’t been a more important time in America to volunteer than today, especially on the issues related to gay marriage, transgendered and transsexual awareness.
The committee was however somewhat confused on seeing a particular t-shirt on-line that stated.

“I Volunteer for a Butt Chugging”

Southern California – “Trojans”

This progressive mascot from Southern California is particularly noteworthy as it promotes “Safe Sex” and “Responsible Partnership” as well as acceptance and unity with their bold stand for safe sex between consenting adults of multiple genders, races and disabilities.

Hawaii – “Rainbow Warriors”

This universities choice of mascot not only garnered our admiration, appreciation and affection but was so progressive that it moved many on the committee to openly weep for joy.

For a major university to state emphatically for the world to hear

“We are oiled up Gay Warriors with big hair, Deal with it!”

This is simply awe inspiring!

The DUMBAAS committee also suggested a number of rule changes to college football this season

Such as;

Dispense with a “coin toss” before the game, but instead engage with a “sharing” of the coin to determine who will receive the football to start the game. This way everyone will feel like they have a choice in determining their own destiny before kickoff.

As we stated earlier, there is nothing that can’t be solved by open and honest dialog.
Secondly, we determined that no actual good comes from keeping score of the game when you consider half of whoever is watching the contest will feel bad and or depressed over the eventual outcome.

We purpose that the teams take their time and play for four quarters and then before time expires in the contest that the coaches, players and fans engage in some meaningful dialog about social events such as transgendered acceptance amongst the linebacker corps of said teams, etc.

With the above change there is no longer a need for “playoffs” or “bowl games”
We suggest everyone at the end of the season receive some type of participation trophy in diversity awareness.

And lastly we strongly encourage all universities and colleges across the country to actively recruit transgendered, transsexual, lesbians and various women of color to play football.

This Neanderthal ideal of the “fastest” and the “strongest” is simply not in keeping with today’s virtues.

Nor is this “sport” in keeping with the progressive view now taken by American’s across the country.

Working hard, preparation and dedication in an effort to be “Number One”, what does that prove?

Thankfully this has been replaced with inclusiveness and acceptance with a healthy dose of diversity and understanding of all people and certainly a powerful lobby of wealthy people with a radical agenda has helped this transition to become reality.

The DUMBAAS committee will now turn its well funded sights on professional sports team’s nicknames and mascots.

Can you imagine a team called the “Cleveland Browns”?

They might as well call themselves the Cleveland Illegal Aliens or Dirty Mexicans!

And please don’t get me started on the repulsive Washington “Wizards”!!

They might as well be wearing hoods and burn crosses before games!!

I hope this public service program has elevated your awareness for inclusiveness for all


Dr. Ima Big A. Hole PhD
Harvard University
Department Under Mass-media Bias Against All Southern Society (DUMBAAS)

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One Response to Your PC Introduction to 2015 College Football

  1. ant on July 30, 2015 at 11:12 am

    Dr. Hole
    You suck!
    All Lives Matter.
    And we don’t give a rat’s a$$ how you do it up there…

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