Ladies and Gentlemen –
I warned you all before the 2014 season started that it was going to be a wild one
Call it “Prognosticator’s Intuition”
We have a lot to discuss this week, so let’s get to it
Enjoy…
Weekend Rewind…..
In Week 5 of the College Football Season Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator was an absolute dumbass going 38 and 12 or 76%
I should have known better (And actually I do know better)
Seriously…..
I picked Army, Indiana AND Duke to win all in the same weekend?
What the heck was I thinking?
However I want to assure you all that I am not doing drugs as is suggested in one of the emails this week, at least I think that is what is being inferred by the email, I simply was struck by a case of momentary “Dumbass-ness”; which at this point I pray is neither terminal nor contagious.
Currently The CFB Wizard after 5 weeks is a subpar 233 and 56 or 80% for the season
And if you think you are upset by these latest numbers….
When tallying my total for the weekend I cried like Bret Favre on his fifth retirement
EMAILS OF THE WEEK
Q: What the Damn Hell is a wrong with you Wizard Man?
Are you smoking Math before you go and make them picks?
I never seen such a bunch of messed up football picks in my damn life!
Just say NO to Math!
Herbert – Chattanooga, Tennessee
A: I recognize all too clearly that most people in Tennessee just say “No” to “math”….
But I wasn’t aware you could smoke it
Q: Dear Sir
I am the President of the Dyslexia Awareness Foundation of America
We have seen several references to this habilitating illness in your college football articles, and frankly we are not amused at your attempt to make light of such a difficult and oftentimes stigmatized handicap.
In the future we would sincerely request that you refrain from making such references in your articles and take into account the ever growing children and adults that struggle this illness daily.
Sincerely
Ms Dorothy Simpson – Williamson
Chicago, Illinois
A: saabmud sM siht daer nac uoy fi rednow I
Q: Hey Mister Wizard!
That article last week on Mikerights.com was hilarious!
Are you planning on returning to that pharmacy anything in the near future?
Thanks for the laughs!
Roll Tide!
Melanie – Tuscaloosa, Alabama
A: Well, Melanie I would say that all “Depends”
EDITORS NOTE: If you didn’t read the article last week on Mikerights.com then you won’t get the joke here and you don’t know what you missed, unless you flip over there now and read it.
Q: Dear Mr. CFB Wizard
As a rather famous alumni of the Military Academy at West Point, I am deeply concerned by your posting in College Football Picks Week 5, when you stated that “if” Army didn’t defeat Yale that the institution would “feel your wrath”.
Sir, we are not threatened by your amateur and childish statements.
There are other more important things to concentrate on at West Point Military Academy other than a silly game of football. We produce Leaders, as I am sure with your vast array of experiences is Joint Commands would attest too.
There are no finer leaders in the world than those of West Point
Sincerely
(Name withheld by request) – Washington, D.C.
A: I will make this brief….
The “Best” Commander I ever had in a Joint Command or otherwise command from the United States Army was a graduate from the University of Nebraska, he could run circles around you bunch of yo-yo’s without even breaking a sweat.
In fact I haven’t served with anybody from West Point that wasn’t borderline retarded, which may be some indication of why your football team is the laughing stock of the entire country.
I am making this official….
West Point’s new Delta Tau Delta name is….
“West Pansies”
As in…………
“Did you hear that Bobby was accepted into the West Pansy Military Academy?”
SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS
Hello from the heart of SEC Country!!!
Well, folks, it was a long night for the Boys in Blue down on South Third last Friday as a bunch of Wild Indians stormed into the Coliseum and scalped the Trojans by 48-21 score. The massacre got ugly quick as the Redskins scored early and often in taking a 41-0 score into halftime. But, as usual, the homestanding Gladiators refused to roll over and scored 21 second half points to make the score somewhat more respectable. As Coach Burleson put it, “Look, we’ve still got a lot of young kids on the roster and it’s going to be up and down at times. We’ve got a Freshman quarterback that’s only 15! You can mark my words, we’ll bounce back.” Keep up the good work, Coach.
On Saturday, the Red Clay Hounds had their hands full with a bunch of Orange Clad Mountain Men from Knoxville, intent on playing the spoiler between the hedges. But, in the end a healthy dose of Todd Gurley and his 200 plus yards proved to be the proverbial “Hob-nailed” boot that sealed the deal for the Cow College along with another late, untimely fumble by the Pumpkins. Next up for the Dawgs is a matchup with the Sailors of Nashville as Vandy comes to town looking to right the ship after a 17-7 loss to the Kitties of Kentucky.
Up in Atlanta, the Trade School took a well-deserved rest after snatching a “W” from the Gobblers of Va-Tech. The Wreck are no doubt preparing a special game plan for the Sea Gulls of South Beach as they look to improve on their 4-0 record.
And up in the friendly confines of The Prettiest Little Stadium in America, Coach Willie Fritz’s Angry Birds of Prey welcomed fellow Sun Belt newcomer App State to Statesboro and showed them what Big Boy football is all about to the tune of a 34-14 demolition. The Raptors Kevin Ellison had over 200 all-purpose yards, 151 and a TD which come via the run and 73 yards and another TD through the air. Matt Breida kicked in another 135 rushing yards and also pushed in a TD for good measure. Next up for the Blue Birds of Prey is a trip to Las Cruces to take on the Agriculturalists of New Mexico State to try to add to their 3-2 record.
Things I think:
Tennessee – Worley came back about 3 minutes too late. Thank goodness moral victories don’t count in the standings
South Carolina – How do you let someone rip your hearts out like that? Been moving up and down in the polls like an elevator
Kentucky – Congrats on the SEC win.
Arkansas – Big Ten football with speed?
Ole Miss – Game Day in the Grove. That should be a sight to see.
Discipline – I was up in Macon at a Wal-mart and heard this from a young man who was addressing his four year old, “You made a bad choice so I have to punish you.”
Call me old fashioned but why would a parent give anyone under the age of 15 or 16 “choices”? From the perspective of this old country boy, you have to be directive in nature when dealing with young children. By telling them what is right and what is wrong and directing them on the right path, parents give their children a basis from which to make good choices when they are old enough to do so. Remember, when you say your child made a bad choice, you’re actually pointing the finger at yourself indirectly by implying that you didn’t teach them good lessons early on from which they could base making a good choice. But that’s just me.
Well, That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.
Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
UNIFORMS: I want to make a point here….
“IF” some universities are intent on using these absurd new uniforms, then how about…
(At the Very Least)
Utilizing your team colors in the scheme, that’s a novel approach isn’t it?
In Kentucky they love to shout “Go Big Blue!”
I have never heard someone yell “Hi Ho Silver Away!”
“Silver” isn’t one of the team colors dumbass, so at least stick to your school colors
The same goes for but not limited too….
Texas Tech…….
(Your uniforms last week looked like somebody vomited on the helmets and pants)
Missouri……….
(What the Hell was that emblem on the side of your helmet last week a large intestine?)
ARMY: Why the entire West Pansy football staff hasn’t been taken out behind the football field and shot is beyond me…..I guess this is the “new” army strong
INDIANA: I still can’t believe I picked you last week…..
I must be smoking Math
DUKE: (See above comment)
TEXAS A&M: It was nice that you brought your own referees to the game against Arkansas last week; I don’t think that’s going to fly all season
Just so you know
SOUTH CAROLINA: What the Hell……..
ESPN COLLEGE GAMEDAY (SOUTH CAROLINA): Who thought it was a “good idea” to have Kenny Chesney as the “Guest Picker” on Saturday?
He isn’t from South Carolina or Missouri….He just has another one of his nasally whatever the hell that was records coming out soon (Yippee)
So let me say this…..
“IF” that guy with his nasally, whiney voice can sell a record then I am going to start recording my farts, because compared to him my butt sounds like Frank Sinatra
COLORADO STATE: The Mighty Rams defeated Boston College last week…
(“Yes” the same Boston College that whipped Southern California)
Great win Coach Jim
NORTH ALABAMA: The Lions of Florence Alabama hit a 54 yard field goal with no time remaining to defeat Valdosta State last week; that was one heck of a game…..
Congratulations Lions
ARKANSAS MONTICELLO: Congratulations to the Mighty Bo Weevils on their first win of the season last week
(It’s about time I pick you guys every week)
TENNESSEE: The Volunteers are a lot better than advertised (A LOT Better)
And their quarterback, is maybe the best in the entire conference; That’s a Fact
UCLA: DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
PENN STATE: Damn It………….
THE GAMES
Thursday, October 2
Central Florida at Houston
Someone wrote me last week asking…
“Are these college football picks available in any other languages?”
My answer is “yes”….This particular pick is available in Chinese
“Ching Chang Sung Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”
O’ So very GOLDEN KNIGHTS 31-24
Arizona at Oregon
I just ordered a new subdivision for my ant farm or I would watch this game…
Seriously I would…
QUACKERS 41-33
Delta State at Florida Tech
I like my okra fried, boiled and pickled, but my favorite type of okra is…
FIGHTING OKRA 33-24
Friday, October 3rd
Louisville at Syracuse
The Orange will get juiced in Ithaca on Friday Night…
Believe it..
BOBBY’S BIRD 34-17
Utah State at Brigham Young
This is one of the games in the state of Utah for “The Beehive Boot”
I think second prize is a collection of Donny and Marie albums
(Which is nice…)
COUGARS 41-14
Saturday, October 4th
Alabama at Ole Miss
This one may be to close too call…
I am serious
CRIMSON TIDE 28-24
Utah at UCLA
O.k. here goes….
Two Utes walk into a bar that has a bear for a bartender
You heard that one too?
BRUIN BEARS 33-17
Arizona State at Southern California
This game should be played for “Multiple Personality Awareness”
Because I am completely aware that both of these teams have multiple personalities
TROJANS 31-28
Southern Methodist at East Carolina
My Poor, Poor Ponies……
PIRATES 44-10
Iowa State at Oklahoma State
I have on good authority that the Cyclones will be changing their names this week to..
“The Popcorn Farts” because that’s about all the wind they are able to generate
COWBOY UP! 41-24
Marshall at Old Dominion
Three words for you here….
WE ARE MARSHALL 34-17
Memphis at Cincinnati
I am going with the boys from Chili Town in this one….
BEARKATS 33-10
Kansas at West Virginia
The smell of smoldering burning couches on Sunday morning….
Smells like…Victory in Morgantown
You may now begin lighting your own stuff on fire, enjoy
MOUNTAINEERS 44-14
Montana at North Dakota
I knew this game is going to be close….
But then I saw Wynonna Judd wearing a fur coat on a television commercial..
(That’s a prognosticators omen)
GRIZZZZZZZZZZZZ 31-24
Texas A&M at Mississippi State
Don’t be surprised if this score is reversed….
I won’t be
GIG EM AGGIES 34-31
Mars Hill at Carson-Newman
The song is called “Blueberry Hill” not “Mars Hill”
Can’t those people get anything right?
SPARK’S EAGLES 33-31
Ohio State at Maryland
For those of you concerned about the scheduling of this contest…
The Ohio Quilters Club of America had a prior engagement so…….
The Buckeyes were forced to play the Maryland linoleum colored turtles instead
Sorry for the confusion
BUCKEYES 34-21
North Dakota State at Western Illinois
Let the Stampede Begin for Another Title for the Mighty Bison
Believe it….
MIGHTY BISON 35-17
Florida at Tennessee
In the words of that great 20th Century professional wrestling poet…
Nature Boy Rick Flair when he said……
“To be the man you have to beat the man”
I haven’t seen the Volunteers “beat the man” in some time, this one will be a tussle
GATORS 31-28
Purdue at Illinois
This Big Ten (or Sixteen) Rivalry game is played for the coveted…
“Purdue Cannon”
Which should be renamed the “Sphincter Cannon”
Because both of these teams have blown it out of their butts all season
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 17-10
Southern Miss at Middle Tennessee
The Golden Eagles are going to make a game out of this one…
Don’t be surprised if there is an “Upset” here
BLUE RAIDERS 24-17
Ball State at Army
It’s no wonder terrorist around the world think they can whip the United States….
They have been watching army play football
CARDINALS 245-0
Virginia Tech at North Carolina
The only reason I am picking the Hokies in this game……
Is because Turkey Hunting season starts here in nine days
HOKIES 24-21
North Texas at Indiana
I cannot believe I am making this pick….
I must be smoking Algebra
HOOSIER DUMBASS 28-24
(Probably going to be me after this pick)
Tulsa at Colorado State
After the dismantling of the Chestnut Hill Eagles of Boston College last week….
I have no choice but to go with Coach Jim’s Boys here
RAM TOUGH 41-28
Wake Forest at Florida State
O’ Yeah this one is going to be close…….
Not…
CRIMINOLES 141-3
Oklahoma at Texas Christian
This one will be close for two quarters then it’s going to be all…..
BOOMER SOONERS 41-17
Baylor at Texas
In case you were wondering….
“Yes” I am making this pick with my heart and not my prognosticators insightfulness
(Don’t judge me)
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 34-31
Stanford at Notre Dame
This “rivalry” game is played for the “Legends Trophy”
If you haven’t seen the “trophy”….
It looks like a Sock Monkey with a funny sequin cowboy hat on its head and a shillelagh in its little hand……
(I hope that’s a shillelagh…)
CARDINAL 28-24
Wisconsin at Northwestern
Simply put….
The Wildcats are still in state of shock over winning last week’s football game to be adequately prepared for this particular matchup.
THE INCREDIBLE POWER OF PROCESSED CHEESE SPREAD 41-17
North Carolina State at Clemson
This one will be close……
But I have faith in the power of Death Valley
DABO’S TIGERS 34-31
Southwestern Oklahoma at Ouachita Baptist
This game is interesting to me….
I wasn’t aware anything lived in Southwestern Oklahoma; much less have a college there
GOTCHA BAPTIST
Navy at Air Force
I have all but lost faith in my Naval brethren, it breaks my heart…
But at least they aren’t “army”
FALCONS 38-34
Ohio at Central Michigan
Although I am leaning towards the Midget Chips in this one….
I am going with Coach Frank’s Bobcats; call it a feeling…
(I hope that “feeling” isn’t from smoking trigonometry)
FRANK’S CATS 28-24
New Mexico at Texas San Antonio
This is an AWESOME match-up……
Wolves (similar to coyotes) against Road Runners, just like the cartoons…
Guess who always won those contests?
ROAD RUNNERS (BEEP-BEEP) 33-31
Vanderbilt at Georgia
In the words of that Greatest of Commodores…..
Lionel Richie, when he wrote these words in the song “Sail On”
“Yes I’ll be on my way
I won’t be back to stay
I guess I’ll move along
I’m lookin’ for a good time
Sail on down the line
Ain’t it funny how the time can go on a
Friends say they told me so
But it doesn’t matter”
(I have no idea what the heck that is supposed to mean, but it’s more entertaining than just saying Vanderbilt is going to get the living hell beaten out of them on Saturday)
BIG DAWGS 41-10
Western Oregon at North Alabama
Funny…..
I thought “Western” Oregon was the Pacific Ocean
Welcome to Ala-Damn-Bama you non-map reading jackasses
FLORENCE LIONS 33-17
Oregon State at Colorado
I was a bit surprised this past week….
I can actually see the Beavers on a Pay-per-View channel that I have…
(NOT those channels, I am talking about the PAC 12 Network, some of you have dirty minds, I’m just saying)
BEAVERS 31-17
LSU at Auburn
This one will be too close to call, so don’t leave your seats…
In the case of Auburn fans, that means you will be peeing in a peach can near the recliner
WAR DAMN EAGLE 31-28
Montana State at Sacramento State
I was trying to remember what I liked about California for this pick….
Yeah, I got nothing
BOB’S CATS 41-24
Texas Tech at Kansas State
Maybe the Red Raiders would play better if they didn’t wear uniforms that looked like somebody vomited on them. It’s a legitimate question…..
BILL’S CATS 34-28
Michigan at Rutgers
This game will be like watching two people argue in a nursing home….
At first it’s kind of funny, and then it’s just sad
WOLVERINES 6-3
South Carolina at Kentucky
I don’t believe the Wildcats will win two SEC games in a row….
But they just might if Carolina decides to play like they did last weekend
GAMECOCKS 24-17
Pittsburgh at Virginia
Last week I picked the Panthers of Pittsburgh…..
They lost to the Roy McAdams Taxidermy and Wildlife Display Academy
I won’t make the same mistake this week
CAVALIERS 28-17
Miami (FL) at Georgia Tech
These two teams have more personalities than my third grade teacher Mrs. Crowder
She just wasn’t the same when they made her stop drinking at work…..
HURRICANES 28-24
Nebraska at Michigan State
Yes, This is your “Upset Special”……..
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 41-38
Arkansas-Monticello at Arkansas Tech
I believe Bo’s Weevils will make it “two in a row”
BO WEEVILS 28-21
Georgia Southern at New Mexico State
In honor of the greatest rock and roll band to ever live….
What song is it you want to hear?
FREEBIRD 44-17
Boise State at Nevada
This rivalry of sorts between two “sort of” rivals has been played each year since 1971
It’s played for something or another that doesn’t have an actual name but looks like….
A petrified monkey turd
(Yippee)
BRONCO’S 41-38
California at Washington State
I want to be as gentle as possible here….
“If” you actually plan to stay up and watch this game
You really need to get a hobby, seriously
COUGARS 38-35
Next Week….
Your Week 7 College Football Picks will be out next week along with something extra to boost your morale during these difficult and frustrating college game days.
So stay tuned…
One More thing…
Parents….
Please remember that this is now the month of October and as Halloween approaches it’s important to be aware that former Tennessee football Coach Phil Fulmer will be prowling about looking for children that smell like Krispy Kreme donuts and bear claws that he will devour.
So please take the proper precautions this time of year….
Always know where your children are at all times and have a tranquilizer gun handy
You’re Welcome America
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD