College Football Picks Week 5

September 25, 2014
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

I haven’t seen a weekend as wild and crazy as this last one…

Since I convinced Jimmy Coleman that he could fly and he took a running leap off the roof of a three story hay barn back in September of 1970

In all fairness Jimmy did “technically” fly for a brief moment

But that’s another story for another time

Enjoy Your Picks…..

Weekend Rewind…..

There is no point trying to sugar coat the numbers last weekend for Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator, who was a disappointing 35 and 15 or 70%

You are probably wondering how I could have missed so many games

That being said…..

I would now like to officially unveil my three excuses for this disappointing and subpar effort by yours truly last weekend.

1. I had my chin strap on far too tight while making the picks, and frankly if my helmet isn’t setting just right on my head then my hair isn’t going to look right all day.
2. I missed my Macarena lesson last week (Don’t judge me)
3. Due to an impromptu celebration in mid-week in honor of national cheeseburger day, I found myself the following morning smelling like onions, stale beer and gunpowder. (Seriously, Don’t judge me)

So that leaves the CFB Wizard at 195 and 44 or 82% after four weeks in the season…

I better get this chin strap adjusted, or it’s going to be a long season

EMAIL OF THE WEEK

Q: What in the Hell do you think you are doing Wizard Man?

Me and everybody down here been a looking at them picks last week and we didn’t see one damn thing about the Tennessee Volunteers playing them Bye Week’s last Saturday!

Then we tried to find the game on the radio cause it weren’t on the television and it weren’t on the damn radio neither!

Are you running some kind of cornspiracy against us!!!!!

Damnit we are a wanting to know!

Todd Cabbage – Strawberry Plains, Tennessee

A: Todd, It is my understanding that a “cornspiracy” can only take place in the state of Nebraska and involves what can only be described as “naughty pranks in the cornfield”

However, as to your earlier question….

I apologize for not picking your team last week….

As you may know by now the Tennessee Volunteers beat “them Bye Week’s” last Saturday in double overtime, congratulations and let the butt chugging begin.


SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the Heart of SEC Country!!!

It was a great weekend for football here in South Georgia as The Blue Clad Gladiators of South 3rd made the trip to Ashburn, Ga for a skirmish with the unruly Rebs of Turner County. It didn’t take long for the Trojans to wear out their welcome as they reeled off 20 unanswered points to go into halftime with a 20-0 lead.

Both teams traded touchdowns in the second half as the Confederates succumbed to a stifling defense and potent offense in the 34-13 Telfair win. Freshman QB Ian Blankenship was 9 of 16 for 171 yards and THREE TD’s through the air, while Senior Drew Williams carried the mail for 92 hard earned yards on the ground.

Seniors Kelvin Clay and Roy Pound each have receiving TDs to go along with Sophomore Cam Smith’s 40 yard end zone romp. Coach Burleson has taken a cautionary approach to the success of the Trojans saying, “Look, we’re still a pretty young team. But the youth is mixed with a lot of good experience so we’re still trying to find out who we are.” Next up are the Indians of Irwin County in the friendly confines of the South 3rd St Coliseum. Let’s make sure we all show up and help send these Redskins back to their teepees wearing an “L”.

There was a slaughter of the innocents this past Saturday between the hedges. The Cow College gave a rude welcoming to the Trojans of Troy, Alabama to the tune of a 66-0 beat down in a warm up game before taking on the Orange Clad Mountain Men of Knoxville. Todd Gurley started things off with 73 yards on only 6 carries and backup Sony Michel came in and racked up over 150 yards on 10 carries and 3 touchdowns. This game was over before the coin flip as the Hounds notched over 500 yards of total yardage in the route.

Next up is a border skirmish with the Volunteers of Tennessee who have a lot of confidence in the form of a 2-1 record with the only blemish coming at the hands of the #4 Sooners of Oklahoma.

Up in Blacksburg, the Slide Rule Jocks pulled off the upset in defeating the Gobblers of Va Tech by a 27-24 score. The Hokies imploded on themselves with 3 I-N-Ts and the Wreck capitalized in the final moments with a field goal with nothing left on the clock to seal the deal. Next up for the Trade School are the Hurricanes of Miami sporting a 2-2 record and itching for a win after a loss to Big 10(?) rep Nebraska.

Over in Mobile, the Big Blue Birds of Statesboro swooped down and picked the carcasses of the Swamp Cats of South Alabama to the tune of 28-6. Coach Willie Fritz’s Raptors got their historic first win in the Sun Belt Conference and look to extend their streak with a big Thursday night matchup against the Mountain Men of App State. Don’t miss this “must see” game at 7:30 on ESPNU.

Things I think:

 Telfair County Trojan Football – 4 and 0 with a Freshman quarterback. Is this real?

 Georgia – It’s not over ‘til it’s over

 Mississippi State – Wow. Where did that come from?

 Missouri – a little help against the Pullets from the Piedmont would help.

 Will Muschamp – I’m thinking his days are numbered in Gainesville

 Paul Finebaum – He needs your video rants, phone calls, tweets, and facebook posts to make himself relevant. Always remember this: Just because you live in the South doesn’t make you a Southerner.

The Wizard – In case some of you were wondering, the CFB Wizard does not write this part of his post. I am a real person, alive and well and from the state of Georgia.

I have known this man for a number of years.

When I first met him, it soon became apparent that we shared many  common interests.

Andy, Barney, College Football, the military, and a love for the South.

Not so long ago he revealed to us that he had developed a slight problem that required surgery at Vanderbilt University. He survived this ordeal and I had the privilege of visiting him not long after. He’s maintained an upbeat attitude throughout, but I know the situation has taken a toll on him, as it would anyone. In a way, surgery is the easy part.

It’s the recovery that is a grind. I just want to tell you that despite his positive disposition and postings on this site, he still needs your prayers.

So, Mr Wizard, keep fighting the good fight and keep pushing that rock.
 
Well, That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

LSU: Ce que les Tigres de l’enfer ?

SEC NETWORK: It’s time that The CFB Wizard steps into help with a very serious issue plaguing one the SEC Network commentators….

I am talking (of course) about former Florida Gator quarterback and current college football commentator: Jesse Palmer

Its becoming abundantly clear as each week passes and Jesse talks over everyone in the booth and continues talking at a hundred miles an hour like a five year old hopped up on fruity Pez that he needs an intervention.

I am starting the “Ritalin for Jesse” Campaign

More details on this vital issue in the coming weeks….

FLORIDA STATE: Let me make this one real simple for you all….

When the Head Coach of the Football team can’t control one of his players or even know that they are “dressing out” for a game in which they are suspended in then that “coach” is no longer in charge of the football team.

So here is the question for Coach Fisher….

When you are made a laughing stock on national television by one of your players during a pregame warm-up, what are you going to do?

I can tell you what Coach Paul W. Bryant would have done

NATIONAL SPORTS MEDIA: You all confuse me…..

You go on and on and on about the criminal behavior of some football players…

You decry the sense of entitlement and lack of discipline by some football players…

But yet many of you lampooned Tim Tebow’s Christian beliefs and ethics and still do

So what exactly do “you” in the National Sports media want in a person anyway?

VIRGINIA TECH: I have examined the Hokies losses the past two weeks closely

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator has identified the one central “issue” associated with those two stinging losses

The Hokies need to get their big Wang on the field

EDITORS NOTE: I am talking about their big offensive lineman David Wang…

So stop giggling

AUBURN: Many Tiger fans have emailed me this past week asking ….

“Why didn’t we play better against Kansas State?”

The answer is simple my friends….

It’s difficult for many members on the Auburn team to play “high” on the road when they have to pass thru TSA at the airport

AUSTIN PEAY STATE UNIVERSITY: This segment isn’t about the football team…It’s a bout a fraternity on the campus of Austin Peay State

The Alpha Phi Alpha fraternity on campus saw a segment on a Nashville television program about a young mother dying of ovarian cancer.

Savannah Cashman Morgan has been given just weeks to live….

Time is short, but Savannah, who has composed more than a dozen cards for her daughter, for every birthday, graduation and even a card for her wedding day, says just being able to prepare her daughter with messages and memories is a gift in and of itself

But before she dies she wants her daughter Hannah to be able to go to Disney World

That’s it, that’s all she wants

The President of the Fraternity saw the segment and he and few other members of the organization made the drive to Nashville to donate $1500.00 dollars to her cause, allowing Savannah to reach her goal in raising enough money for her daughters trip.

In case you were unaware….

The Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity is an all black male fraternity

Ms Savannah Cashman Morgan is white

In times such as these, it’s important to remember….

There are good people out there, doing all the right things without any fanfare, regardless of what you may see on television or read in the newspapers.

God Bless you gentlemen, you did good

CBS SPORTS: In years past I have had a lot to say about CBS Sports on College Football Saturday and not much of it has been good, to include my comments about the team of Vern and Gary in the booth.

But I want to say this concerning last week’s telecasts…

Thank you for talking about the Great Joe Namath and the anniversary of the 1964 National Championship team that was on campus for the game against Florida.

There will never (ever) be another Joe Willie Namath, he was born a cool cat

One more comment is necessary here as well…

CBS Sports provided a brief segment during halftime on the unveiling of Alabama’s Champions Plaza

It highlights the University’s Championships in Gymnastics, Golf and Softball and of course football

This project was a dream of my coach and University Athletic Director Mal Moore

Thank you Vern for mentioning Coach Moore, I miss him dearly

CHARLIE STRONG:
I want to talk about Charlie Strong for a moment…

Not the Coach of the Mighty Texas Longhorns…

Sergeant Charlie C. Strong United States Marine Corps

He doesn’t have a weekly television program and he isn’t discussed on ESPN

In fact he wasn’t mentioned at all last week on any of the national media outlets

Sergeant Charlie Strong lost his life in Afghanistan on September 15th fighting in a war that nobody, including the politicians wants to talk about or discuss anymore

Before you ask….

I didn’t know Sergeant Strong, but I know a lot of people just like him

He left behind a beautiful young wife who is expecting the couple’s first child in December of this year

Remember him and others like him as you enjoy your college football weekend

THE GAMES

Thursday, September 25

Texas Tech at Oklahoma State
If you like a lot of passing and very little defense, this is the game for you
COWBOYS 51-49

Appalachian State at Georgia Southern
As an Appalachian-American I am conflicted in this game…
On one hand I feel under some obligation to support “my people”
But on the other hand, the Eagles are just that damn good
SOUTHERN EAGLES 34-17

UCLA at Arizona State
I would call this one an “Upset” if I actually cared…
But I don’t
DEVILS IN THE SUN 28-24

Friday, September 26

Fresno State at New Mexico
There are a lot of dogs in this game….
And I’m not just talking about the cheerleaders here either
BULLDOGS 38-21

Middle Tennessee at Old Dominion
In case you were wondering….
Murfreesboro Tennessee has one of the best old time hamburger joints in the entire country and they have hand cut French fries just like the Good Lord intended for them to be made.
BLUE RAIDERS 34-21


Saturday, September 27

Florida State at North Carolina State
I wonder if Coach Fisher knows who’s dressing out for the game this week…
CRIMINOLES 41-14

Arkansas vs. Texas A&M
“Upset Special”……..
(Yes, I am serious….)
RAZORBACKS 41-38

Stanford at Washington
I would watch this game but my macaroni macramé class is meeting at that time…
Sorry….
CARDINAL 28-21

North Carolina at Clemson
Honestly….
It’s not going to be this close
DABO’S TIGERS 31-14

Northern Colorado at Montana
The Mighty Grizzlies played the North Dakota Bison tough last Saturday
The will roll in Big Sky Country this week
GRIZZZZZZZZZ 41-24

North Dakota at Montana State
I have a feeling that the Fighting Sioux of North Dakota are closer than they may appear in the Bobcats rear view mirror….
In case you were wondering, Custer had the same feeling.
BOBCATS 24-17

Central State at Delta State
The only kind of Okra I don’t like is Okra Winfrey
FIGHTING OKRA 34-17

Maryland at Indiana
I had every intention of watching this game but…..
The History of Hand Puppets is going to be on the History Channel
HOOSIER SOCK MONKEY 24-21

Haskell Indian Nations at Quincy
The Greatest Athlete of the Twentieth Century (or maybe ever) once attended Haskell..
Jim Thorpe got his start at the Haskell Indian Nations College before he went on to fame at Carlisle Indian School. I thought you should know….
THORPE’S BOYS 31-28

Carson-Newman at Catawba
Maybe it’s just me…..
But I can’t say “Catawba” out loud without coughing up something in the back of my throat.
SPARKS EAGLES 34-28

Valdosta State at North Alabama
State took a hard loss last week to the Fighting Okra of Delta State…
This week may be “do or die” for the Boys from South Georgia
FLORENCE LIONS 31-28

UTSA at Florida Atlantic
As promised to my dear Alabama friend living in the Great State of Texas….
Lee, this one is for you sir….
ROADRUNNERS (BEEP-BEEP) 28-24

Duke at Miami (FL)
Yes, actually I am serious….
BLUE DEVILS 34-31

Wyoming at Michigan State
It’s a little early for “another” Homecoming Game in East Lansing isn’t it?
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 41-10

Tennessee at Georgia
It’s like they say in OBKnoxville…..
“No Win – No Butt Chugging”
Sorry Kids….
BIG DAWGS 38-21

South Florida at Wisconsin
I wonder if it’s proper etiquette to go into a Cheese store in Wisconsin and ask…
“Who Cut the Cheese in Here?”
(Yes I am that easily amused..)
CHEESE CUTTERS 55-0

Ouachita Baptist at Southeastern Oklahoma
Someone emailed me the other day with this question….
“What kind of car should a Christian drive?”
I answered “Honda; because as I read it….”all the disciples left in one Accord”
GOTCHA BAPTIST 33-31

UTEP at Kansas State
Say what you will about Coach Bill Snyder of K-State….
He can sure Coach some College Football
BILL’S CATS 41-14

Vanderbilt at Kentucky
This game may very well be a shoot-out….
I am serious
BLUE CATS 34-31

Texas Christian at Southern Methodist
This Age Old Rivalry is played for the coveted “Iron Skillet”
My Poor Ponies…..
HORNED FROGS 38-14

Tulane at Rutgers
I think Rhett Butler said it best….
“Frankly Scarlett I don’t give a Damn”
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 3-2

Northwestern at Penn State
Coach Franklin’s Lions are the team to beat in the Big Ten…
Believe it
NITTANY LIONS 28-17

Iowa at Purdue
This rivalry in the “big” Ten or sixteen (whatever)…
Is played for the highly coveted “Bucket of Saliva”
And the container of warm spit goes to…..
HAWKEYES 14-7

Colorado State at Boston College
This one will be uglier than Hillary Clinton without any make-up…
(I am sorry, that was incorrect….Nothing is uglier than that)
CHESTNUT HILL EAGLES 38-17

Western Michigan at Virginia Tech
I wonder if David Wang for Tech is related to Wang Chung?
(I know, sometimes I wonder too much)
WANG CHUNG TURKEYS 41-17

EDITORS NOTE: Damn it, now that song is stuck in my head….

Army at Yale
Listen Closely Cadets of West Point….
If you don’t beat these Godless Communist from the Ivy League…
Then you will feel my wrath next week
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 24-14

Akron at Pittsburgh
I really don’t care and neither should you….
PANTHERS 41-17

Eastern Illinois at Ohio
Frank’s Bobcats are indeed the “real deal”…..
FRANK’S CATS 24-17

Southwestern Oklahoma at Arkansas-Monticello
I know the Bo Weevils have lost three straight…..
You don’t need to remind me
BO WEEVILLS 31-28

Kent State at Virginia
I don’t mean to appear too Cavalier about this pick….
CAVALIERS 41-10

Western Kentucky at Navy
Simply put….
GO NAVY
MIDSHIPMEN 38-34

Minnesota at Michigan
Another Big Ten (or something) Game and that means “Rivalry”
This rivalry game is played for the “Little Brown Jug”
Yippee…….
O’ SO VERY GOLDEN GOPHERS 28-17

Wake Forest at Louisville
Don’t be surprised if this is the halftime score….
I won’t be
BOBBY’S BIRDS 44-10

Louisiana Tech at Auburn
Homecoming on the Plains….
I can’t wait to see the Parade of Lawn Mowers
WAR DAMN EAGLES 51-10

Texas at Kansas
The Longhorns better start hitting their stride now….
The Mighty Sooners are right around the corner
MIGHTY LONGHORNS 38-10

Colorado at California
I would rather watch nursing home residents on a “Slip and Slide” than watch this game…
In case you were wondering….
When that event is held at a nursing home it’s called a “Hip Buster”
(Don’t ask me how I know that, it’s not important)
DA BEARS 6-3

Cincinnati at Ohio State
The “mighty” Buckeyes continues their “Beat Every Little School in Ohio Tour”
Next week….
The Buckeyes take on the Ohio School for the Blind
BUCKEYES 141-0

New Mexico State at LSU
There are few things in life meaner than an angry Tiger….
This one will be ugly
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 44-0

Missouri at South Carolina
“IF” a team loses to Indiana, I am under some obligation to pick against them the following week; it’s a rule…..
GAMECOCKS 38-21

Rice at Southern Miss
You’ve got to have some faith Hattiesburg…..
GOLDEN EAGLES 31-21

Boise State at Air Force
Damn it Falcons….
BRONCO’S 33-31

Memphis at Ole Miss
These two rivals (of sorts) are in close proximity of each other…
Yeah that’s about as exciting as I can make this matchup, sorry
FOAM RUBBER BLACK BEAR REBELS 41-10

Baylor at Iowa State
The “cyclones” of Iowa State can’t generate enough wind to classify as a crawfish fart
BEAR DOWN 44-21

Notre Dame vs. Syracuse
This rivalry between these two wonderful institutions of higher learning is played for….
“The Orange Shillelagh”…..It looks like a stick with a nasty rash
FIGHTING IRISH 38-17

Washington State at Utah
Stop me if you have heard this one before….
“Two Utes, a Rabbi and a Duck walk into a bar…”
TWO UTES 34-31

Illinois at Nebraska
Actually…..
It’s not going to be this close
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 38-14

Oregon State at Southern California
Don’t be a surprised if the Trojans are upset in this game
I won’t be
TROJANS 31-28

Next Week….

The College Football season is full swing next week with your Week 6 Picks…

So Stay Tuned….

One More thing….

We will take a brief respite on Mikerights.com in the series “High Crimes and Good Times” to provide you all with some very important and useful information in a story appropriately entitled “Color Me Bad”

If it doesn’t get a laugh out of you, then I can’t help you

Have a Great Weekend

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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One Response to College Football Picks Week 5

  1. ant on September 25, 2014 at 10:42 am

    All you Gator fans out there… a simple word of advice. Do not, under any circumstance, tune into either the NC State or the Boston College games this weekend. Focus instead, all of your energies, on the similarities between your coach Muschamp and team Big Blue – their coach and team. They both look ridiculous on the sidelines with their pleated khakis, tennis shoes and exposed spare tires. Their seats are both hotter than a tin roof on a black tobacco barn. They have developed similar thousand-yard stares as if totally confused on the sidelines. And they have both decided to Die Hard with quarterbacks who are simply not getting it done. Think on these things…

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