Ladies and Gentlemen –
Last weekend there were thrills and spills and pivotal seasonal games in the balance.
There were tears of disappointment and shouts of joy and exhilaration
Dear readers, your emotional rollercoaster is just beginning…
Tighten those seatbelts; it’s going to be a bumpy ride
Weekend Rewind….
Last Week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished Week 1 of the 2014 College Football Season at 62 and 9 or 87% while picking the “Upsets” of North Dakota State over Iowa State (Go Bison), Penn State over Central Florida and the Mighty Warhawks of Louisiana Monroe over Wake Forest, while just missing the Georgia Southern – North Carolina State “upset” by a single last minute field goal.
Did I mention that the LSU-Wisconsin score was predicted right on the money?
(Yes, yes it was….)
In the immortal words of Elvis and Richard Petty
“Sometimes it’s good to be the King”
Enjoy Your Picks
EMAIL QUESTION(S) OF THE WEEK
Q: Hey there Mr Collige Football Butthole,
Guess what?
MY DAM KENTUCKY WILDCATS BEAT THE DAM UNVERSITEE OF TENECEE!!! That’s right we beat em fair and square and we’re gonna win us a national championship to go along with our besketaball champpeonships!!!
I hate you cause you make fun a my team but YOU CAINT DO IT NOW!!!!
So you and yore dam Ablama Crimpson Tides can GO TO H-E-DOUBLE LL!!!!
What cha think about that Mister Smartie Paints???
Anonomous – Lextington, Kentucky
A: I love hearing from my former employer…articulate, delusional, yet entertaining
Q: Dear Sir,
I am the IT Director at the Internal Revenue Service and always on the lookout for improvements that will make YOUR IRS a better, more thoughtful government agency.
I was wondering if you could guide me in this highly technological pursuit of ours.
I read an article in the newspaper that noted that the Vanderbilt Commodores were about to be penalized for having an unauthorized logo on the back of their jersey during a football game over the weekend. However, they escaped said penalty by “pulling up a past email” from the SEC Director of Officials stating that they were authorized by that office to wear this logo.
That is one of the most amazing things I have ever read.
I had no idea that you could actually find and access old emails, much less pull one up and actually print it!!! To say that we were both stunned and amazed at this turn of events would be an understatement.
This would have saved us tons of trouble if we had known about this during previous Congressional hearings involving Ms. Lerner. Could you please provide me with the email address of the IT professionals at Vanderbilt who could show us how to perform this new and innovative feat?
Thanks you,
Auburniqua Barner
Interanl Revenue Service.
A: I’m sure this won’t shock anyone when I tell you….
Somehow I’m not surprised
SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS
Greetings from the heart of SEC Country!!!
What a great 1st week of football!
We had the Dawgs biting, the Jackets fighting, and the Eagles flying.
And on top of that the Boys in Blue got off to a great start by beating Wheeler County by a 34-20 score. Coach Burleson has these kids focused and in the zone. It was back and forth for almost 3 quarters but our Gladiators of the Gridiron pulled it out with 14 fourth quarter points for the big win. Next up for these warriors is a visit from another bunch of Trojans from Johnson County next Friday. Get there early because it’s going to be a war!!!
Up in Athens, a no holds barred death match took place between the homestanding Red Clay Hounds and the Cats from Clemson. These denizens from between the hedges were smarting after coming up short in Death Valley last year, so revenge was on their mind.
After a close first half which ended up tied at 21, the Cow College poured it on with a healthy dose of Todd Gurley to come away with a big 45-21 win. The cocktail party was a little bit north and not on the typical date on Saturday night as students, fans, and alumni alike celebrated the start of what could be…… I’m not going to say it. I will say this: Gurley. He’s an animal.
In Hot-lanta, the Slide Rule Jocks went into halftime with a 10-9 lead over FCS representative Wofford, but in the end pulled out a 38-19 win with 28 second half points. QB Justin Thomas started for the first time for the Wreck and racked up over 350 yards of total offense. FBS versus FCS shouldn’t be that close at the half, but I’ll take the “W”.
And the Angry Birds of Statesboro made the trip to Raleigh to take on the Wild Dogs of NC State and try to get a fast start to their inaugural season in FBS. Unfortunately, they came up a point short as they lost 24-23. With a 17-3 halftime lead, and a 20-10 lead in the 4th quarter, it looked like the ghost of Erk was present and the Birds of Prey were going to feast on the carcass of the Pack. But with 11 minutes left and a chance to go up by 17, they fumbled on the goal line and the game turned at that point. Congrats to new Coach Willie Fritz and the Eagles in a valiant effort; which would give Coach Russell reason to smile.
Things I think:
There was a train wreck in Columbia, SC and the Pullets were deep fried by an A&M team that was hungry and breaking in an untested quarterback. Wow.
LSU struggled a little before finding themselves and beating the Big “something or ‘nother” rep Wisconsin on Saturday. S-E-C!! S-E-C!!!
After wondering what in the heck Mark Richt was thinking by having Todd Gurley on return teams, my question was answered
Clemson – The same defense that gave up a gazillion points a game last year and had a ton of starters returning…. gave up a gazillion points
Florida – Hated to see the rainout on this one. Heard some good things were happening in Gainesville. Let’s see what happens next week.
Alabama – West Virginia wasn’t supposed to be a world beater this year but played the pachyderms close. That T-town D needs to step up.
SEC Network – Amazing. Love it. Watched the intro on the first night. Watched SEC Storied. Watched SEC game replays. Watched SEC Nation. Watched Paul Finebaum. Love it. If you can’t get it or haven’t watched, you’re missing out.
And last, but certainly not least.
For those of you who still have your mamas around, go see her. Call her on the phone. Give her a big ole’ hug. Had to get my mama into an assisted living facility and I knew she didn’t really want to go. But who would?
Isn’t consenting to that move akin to saying “Okay, this is the last stop before….” You know it is. But I will say this, if you’re lucky enough to find one that loves their residents, treats them like their own mamas and daddys, and takes good care of them, give those people a hug too. There’s a small, private facility in Marshallville, Ga called The Oaks, that is just that.
Mama loves it there and I love them for making her feel like that.
Well, That’s it for now. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.
Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth
COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS
COACHES QUOTE OF THE WEEK: This week’s Coaches Quote of the Week comes from Tennessee Volunteer’s Coach Butch Jones before their matchup with the Aggies of Utah State when asked about the leadership of his young Volunteer football team.
“We need the mature players to be more mature and the players that aren’t as mature to be more mature; together as a team raising the maturity level to what it needs to be for a mature football team”
EDITORS NOTE: Ah…What?
TEXAS A&M: I’m sorry…..Johnny Who?
SOUTH CAROLINA: I know it was only the first game of the season Gamecocks…
But I have an old spaghetti colander that doesn’t leak as bad as your defense
SEC NETWORK: For the love of God will somebody please take the snorkel out of “commentator” Jesse Palmer’s butt so he can take a breath and shut the hell up for one second during a telecast. That boy has got a bad case of diarrhea of the mouth
EDITORS NOTE: Sorry for the visual….
NORTH DAKOTA STATE: I want to Thank the Mighty Bison of North Dakota State for making me look like a damn genius last weekend, thank you and Go Bison!
COMMERCIALS: Just when I didn’t think television commercials during college football game day could possibly get any stranger, guess again….
Note to makers promoting anything with “High Fiber” …..
You don’t have to have theme music “Rock You like a Hurricane” for your Moose Shoe “High Fiber” breakfast bars, we get it. How about telling us something useful, like…
“If you eat one of these on the way to work, you might want to have a leaf bag handy to wear around your waist all day”
Where did all the Lawyer Commercials suddenly come from?
“Have you been injured in an accident?”
“Let the Law Offices of Floyd, Goober and Bass turn your injury into a check!”
“Call US Now!”
EDITORS NOTE: After a few beverages I called that number and explained that I had injured “myself” and that I wanted a seasoned litigator because I intend on suing myself for an undisclosed amount to cover pain and suffering and metal trauma.
I am going to court next week….
I can’t wait to see the look on my face when I face myself down in court
Note to other Attorneys and their respective television Commercials…..
“IF” you are going to have a television commercial in the South ensure that the person doing the voice over has a Southern accent and pronounces words the way we are accustom to hearing them, case in point….
It’s pronounced “ASS-BEST-US” not “ASH- BESTO-SIS”
And please don’t use the word “mesothelimoa” during a commercial anymore either
I called Papa John’s thinking that was some sort of game day “specialty” pizza
And Lastly….
The Life Insurance Commercials…..
“At Infidelity Life there are no medical examinations or prescreening questions….”
“You don’t want to worry or have the burden on your family for costly funeral expenses”
If this wasn’t bad enough, they showed several group pictures of young families throughout the commercial, and they were all grinning and smiling as if to say….
“Hey kids Grandma’s kicked the bucket! Lets cash that check and head to Panama City!”
THE GAMES
EDITORS NOTE: Due to a recent endorsement for The CFB Wizard I am under a contractual obligation to pick a portion of this week’s college football games utilizing EA Sports College Football 2014 with a game consol they provided me and actually playing a few of those respective contests on the schedule this week in a series of “mock” games.
I will provide periodic updates throughout this week’s picks on those “games” and the subsequent scores and progress of my experience with EA Sports College Football 2014
Thursday September 4
Arizona at UTSA
Although the United Tennis Sissy Association defeated the Houston Cougars last week in their new stadium, I do believe they have met their match with Coach Rich Rod’s Cats.
ROD’S CATS 44-21
Edinboro at Carson-Newman
I’ve been to Edinboro once…..
Surely these boys don’t think they can play football in kilts do they?
SPARKS EAGLES 41-17
EDITORS NOTE: O.k. how do I turn this damn game thing on?
Friday September 5
Pittsburgh at Boston College
I wish I cared about this game, but I don’t….
PANTHERS 24-17
Washington State at Nevada
I know Coach Mike and the Cougars were surprised last week by the Scarlett Knights
But Lightening doesn’t strike a Pirate twice in two weeks, it’s a rule..
PIRATE’S COUGARS 31-28
EDITORS NOTE: Doesn’t this stupid game system come with instructions in English?
Saturday September 6
Florida Atlantic at Alabama
It’s going to be High Tide in T Town on Saturday afternoon
Believe it…
CRIMSON TIDE 38-10
Oklahoma at Tulsa
I understand the great country and western singer Don Williams is re-releasing his hit…
“Living on Tulsa Time”, but for the purposes of this contest it will be changed to….“Oklahoma Ass Kicking”
BOOMER SOONERS 44-17
Western Illinois at Wisconsin
The Badgers aren’t happy after that whipping by the mighty Bayou Bengals last week…
Prepare to be shock and amazed by…….
THE POWER OF CHEESE WHIZ 51-10
Kansas State at Iowa State
They say “There isn’t anything Coach Bill Snyder hasn’t seen at his age…”
Including but not limited too…
The Dinosaurs…
Noah’s Ark….
Common Sense in Washington D.C.
BILL’S CATS 35-17
EDITORS NOTE: I think the game system is on, it’s all lit up, now what happens?
McNeese State at Nebraska
The only thing better than corn this time of the year in Nebraska is cupcakes…
CHILDREN OF THE CORN 41-10
Delta State at Fort Valley State
I don’t care if it’s pickled, fried or fighting…
I love me some Okra
FIGHTING OKRA 31-27
Missouri at Toledo
Just for the record I have never seen a “tiger” in Missouri…
I have on the other hand seen the North Korea dictator Kim Jong Un II, Dog the Bounty Hunter and Kenny Rogers in a Wal-Mart in Kansas City once, I can’t recall if they were together or not.
MO’S TIGERS 34-14
EDITORS NOTE: This can’t be that difficult because kids play it right?
So the game disk goes in here, what are all these buttons on this controller for?
SMU at North Texas
Despite the embarrassment suffered last week at the hands of the Baylor Bears..
I still believe….
MIGHTY MUSTANGS 31-21
Western Kentucky at Illinois
I am really leaning towards “Upset Special” here, I really am….
FIGHTING PUMPKINS 28-24
Akron at Penn State
I was right last week about the Mighty Lions and I will be again this week too…
Believe it……..
NITTANY LIONS 38-10
EDITORS NOTE: There is nothing on this stupid controller that says “Start” button…
Central Michigan at Purdue
O.k. so the Boilermakers didn’t lose last week as I had predicted….
I don’t think I will miss this one
MIDGET CHIPS 28-17
Howard at Rutgers
What the hell is poor ole Howard thinking?
Bless his heart…
SCARLETT KNIGHTS 41-3
Buffalo at Army
Believe it or not this game could go either way…..
I’m serious
BLACK KNIGHTS OF THE HUDSON 3-2
Arkansas State at Tennessee
The Volunteers are on track to win the Sun Belt Conference Championship with this win
Congratulations..
VOWELS 38-17
EDITORS NOTE: Note to self…..
Push a bunch of buttons on the controller and something finally happens….
South Carolina State at Clemson
Clemson’s Death Valley on a Saturday Afternoon……..
There aren’t any prettier places in the entire country
Believe that
DABO’S TIGERS 51-10
Navy at Temple
Two words for you here…
GO NAVY
MIDSHIPMEN 34-31
EDITORS NOTE: How in the hell is this video game supposed to be fun????
If I wanted to be this frustrated I would go out and play a round of golf…..
UAB at Mississippi State
This may be the only team in the State of Alabama the Bulldogs will beat this year….
So Enjoy the moment..
BULLY DOGS 35-10
Fresno State at Utah
I was wavering on this pick….
But yesterday when I went “into town” and I saw Two Utes walking a Dog…
(Sometimes it just comes to me like that)
TWO UTES 38-34
Sacramento State at California
This pick is relatively easy for me….
Since the Hornets haven’t won a game since Truman was President
DA BEARS 38-10
Eastern Washington at Washington
I can’t help but wonder if….
All the Washington players have to shop in the “Husky” section at K-Mart?
It’s a legitimate question…
HUSKIES 28-10
EDITORS NOTE: Ok I didn’t mean to press “that” button, how do I go back and choose the right teams? Gee Whizz this is giving me a headache….
I hate to drink this early, but…
Southern California at Stanford
Call this one an “Upset Special” if you want too….
It’s going to be close
TROJANS 28-24
Richmond at Virginia
This one might end up being uglier than Wynonna Judd at a Golden Corral Buffet
CAVALIERS 54-10
Missouri State at Oklahoma State
My Hero’s Have Always Been Cowboys….
COWBOY UP! 44-10
Ball State at Iowa
Really Hawkeyes, Was Delaine’s Cabbage Patch Doll Emporium busy this Saturday?
HAWKEYES 31-24
EDITORS NOTE: This might be a good test run for me…..
The LSU Fighting Tigers against the Bethune-Cookman Wildcats
Middle Tennessee at Minnesota
Yes, I am serious…..
BLUE RAIDERS 31-28
Northern Illinois at Northwestern
I am still serious……
HUSKIES 28-24
Ohio at Kentucky
One more win within the MAC or Ohio Valley Conference and the Wildcats are eligible for the “at large” bid to the Vienna Sausage Bowl in Scranton Pennsylvania
BLUE CATS 35-17
EDITORS NOTE: You got to be *&^% kidding me, there is NO damn way the damn Bethune-Cookman Wildcats could score two touchdowns on the LSU Tigers if they played for a decade!
This game is Bull Crap…..
Georgia Tech at Tulane
I am surprised that neither of these teams has changed their mascot to an Owl…
Because the truth is neither of them are worth a hoot
YELLOW JACKETS 34-17
Eastern Michigan at Florida
The weather delayed the Gators game to nonexistence last Saturday…..
The Eagles of Michigan won’t be so lucky
MIGHTY GATORS 33-17
Central Washington at Montana
The Mighty Grizzly’s fell short last weekend….
But I am still Believing
GRIZZZZZZZZZZ 31-28
Nicholls State at Arkansas
The Hogs bounce back this week by beating the sense out of Nicholls….
(Get it, “sense” and “Nicholls”…..Never mind)
RAZORBACKS 41-0
EDITORS NOTE: No wonder American kids are so damn fat they set around playing this stupid game crap all day long, get outside you bunch of jelly rolls and play some football for real!!
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
I wonder what makes the Ole Miss foam rubber black bear such a “rebel”?
Does he not get along with the other foam rubber black bears?
Could he be a racist foam rubber black bear?
Maybe he wears more outlandish clothes than the other foam rubber black bears?
Too many questions and not enough time, more on this later…
BLACK BEAR REBELS 38-10
Old Dominion at North Carolina State
Since I picked against the Wolf’s Pack last week I am under some obligation to pick them this week, it’s the Prognosticators Code.
WOLFPACK 21-17
Savannah State at Georgia Southern
There will not be a last second field goal to break the Eagle’s Hearts this week…
You can take that one to the Bank…
SOUTHERN EAGLES 35-17
EDITORS NOTE: This “game” has got to be the dumbest damn invention since reversible polyester suits. And to think some people thought I was crazy when I turned “Candy Land” into a drinking game in college….I was a damn genius.
Michigan State at Oregon
I know what some of you might be thinking about me with this pick..
And I don’t give a Quack
GO TELL THE SPARTANS 33-31
San Jose State at Auburn
I have a philosophical question here…..
The Auburn football team has a had a number of their players arrested as of late on marijuana charges and their mascot “aubie” looks strikingly similar to the cat on the Cheeto’s bag….
Coincidence?………I think not
WAR DAMN EAGLE 54-17
East Carolina at South Carolina
If the Roosters didn’t learn how to tackle and play defense this past week….
This could be a long day…
GAMECOCKS 33-21
Arizona State at New Mexico
Last week….
The Lobo’s played like Hobo’s with a broken Yo-yo in Soho…
(I could do this all day…..)
DEVILS OF THE SUN 77-0
Duke at Troy
This one may be closer (a lot closer) than you might think….
BLUE DEVILS 33-17
EDITORS NOTE: I need six more fingers to work this stupid controller….
And am I supposed to believe that I can’t kick a damn twenty yard field goal?
Murray State at Louisville
Didn’t I tell you last week that the Cardinals would beat the Hurricanes?
Well I am telling you again….
BOBBY’S BIRDS 44-17
Florida A&M at Miami (FL)
Hurricane Dolly is moving across the Atlantic….That’s a sign
HURRICANES 28-17
Southeast Missouri State at Kansas
There is only thing worse than Jayhawks football in Kansas…
No Wait..
I was wrong there isn’t anything worse, sorry for the misinformation
JAYHAWKS 10-7
Louisiana Tech at Louisiana-Lafayette
This Bayou Rivalry is a fierce one…..
It will come down to the very last crawfish, believe me…
RAJUN CAJUNS 31-28
EDITORS NOTE: If this game system wasn’t loaned to me by the sponsor..
I would take it outside and shoot it…..repeatedly
Rhode Island at Marshall
I cannot in good conscience support any team whose entire identity is based upon a lie..
Rhode Island IS NOT a damn ISLAND!
WE ARE MARSHALL 38-10
Alcorn State at Southern Miss
The Boys from Hattiesburg better get it together or it’s going to be a long season….
GOLDEN EAGLES 24-21
Idaho at Louisiana-Monroe
Famous Potatoes get’s fried in the Louisiana Humidity….
WARHAWKS 34-14
Citadel at Florida State
Here is the only good news for the Bulldogs in this game…
They didn’t have to drive all that far to get their asses kicked
SEMINOLES 48-10
Northwestern State at Baylor
The Bears have so many cupcakes scheduled….
I would be worried about them contracting diabetes….
DA BEARS 54-0
EDITORS NOTE: There is no damn way LSU could ever (ever) lose to the Bethune-Cookman Wildcats. I hate this stupid game….
Who invented this damn thing, Asian Satan?
Sam Houston State at LSU
This is no stupid video game….
Welcome to the “real deal”
HEY FIGHTN’ TIGERS 41-10
Michigan at Notre Dame
Yes, I do believe it’s time for the tables to turn…
WOLVERINES 24-17
Lamar at Texas A&M
This game is going to be uglier than watching Hillary Clinton eat corn on the cob
(Sorry for the visual)
GIG EM AGGIES 216-0
Towson at West Virginia
People of Morgantown….
You may begin lighting your couches upon reading this pick…..
Enjoy….
MOUNTAINEERS 51-10
Brigham Young at Texas
This game will be a slugfest until the second half…..
Then the Cougars will get a big dose of..
HOOK EM HORNS 34-17
Virginia Tech at Ohio State
This contest may be a lot closer than you expect….
Not that I care in any way….
BUCKEYES 28-24
EDITORS NOTE: How in the hell is this “video game” supposed to be fun?
And why is it smoking……o.k. this can’t be good
Memphis at UCLA
This may very well be the best game on television at midnight EST….
Yes, I am serious…
BRUIN BEARS 34-14
East Central at Arkansas-Monticello
I will keep this simple…..
I know Bo Jackson and Bo knows Weevils
Enough said…
BO’S WEEVILS 28-24
Air Force at Wyoming
I know, the Cowboys bucked the Grizzly Bears of Montana last Saturday…
But when is the last time they were carpet bombed by the Air Force?
I rest my case…
MIGHTY FALCONS 21-17
Colorado State at Boise State
Believe it or not, this is going to be one heck of a football game…
I like Coach Jim in this one….
RAM TOUGH 31-28
Oregon State at Hawaii
Given the choice of warrior guys in grass skirts and Beavers….
That’s a no brainer for me…
BEAVERS 31-14
Texas Tech at UTEP
I think the miners have collapse this week in El Paso….
Believe it…
GET THOSE GUNS UP!
RED RAIDERS! 41-21
EDITORS NOTE: It would appear The CFB Wizard has lost yet another sponsorship…
Good riddance that is just a stupid waste of time and I’m not alone in that belief
That’s what that fireman said about it too when they came and put the fire out……
Next Week….
I hope you all enjoyed the commentary in yesterday’s posting….
There may very well be a follow up to that post next week
Along with Your Week 3 College Football Picks
So Stay Tuned…
One More thing….
For your continued reading pleasure there is another article posted yesterday on mikerights.com in the continuing series “High Crimes and Good Times”
Although it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life
I am sure it will get a laugh out of you
I hope you enjoy it
RTR
THE CFB WIZARD