Get To Know Your CFB Wizard

August 22, 2014
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Many of you have written me over the years wanting to know more information about Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator; your wish has finally come true…

I have included an upcoming “sneak peek” of an interview with The CFB Wizard with a rather prestigious publication within the ever expanding rural and tractor community

I hope you enjoy it…

Farming and Tractor Supply Monthly Interview

FTS: Thank you so much for taking the time to be interviewed, do I understand correctly that you live at your RTR Farm with your Black Lab “Doc” and the German Sheppard “Sadie”

CFB Wizard: Thank you for interviewing me; that’s correct those are my precious four legged kids, they are the ones you hear barking at the television in the background; they both love Clark Gable and he has a marathon on Turner Classic Movies this week.

FTS: As a rather famous college football prognosticator may I ask if you have any game day rituals for college football game day.

CFB Wizard: I start out the day much like any others….

The first thing I do every morning is thank the Lord for another day, quickly followed by “Remembering the Alamo” and during college football “game day week” it’s imperative that I listen to “Sweet Home Alabama” repeatedly and then followed by Otis Day and the Knights singing “Shout” before noon and then I begin my “tailgating ritual” on Tuesday afternoon.

Don’t judge me, it’s how I roll

FTS: Is there something that your fans reading this interview don’t know about you?

CFB Wizard: Most people don’t know that I play the guitar, left handed actually and that I know all the words to “Smoke on the Water” and “Amos Moses” and I also know all the classics of Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings and Jimmy Buffet which are not mutually exclusive by the way.

That particular skill got me out of a perspective beating in a bar in a little town in North Dakota several years ago with an impromptu playing of Travis Tritt’s “Lord have Mercy on the Working Man” and Steve Earle’s “Copperhead Road” and Hank Williams Jr. “A Country Boy can Survive” and oddly enough the gospel classic “I’ll Fly Away”

It’s important to know your audience

I was a huge hit that night and I left there with an offer to play the following Friday Night….

Which I plan to show up like George Jones sometime in the near future…

FTS: Was that a metaphor?

CFB Wizard: No I play a Gibson guitar

FTS: Never mind, you recently left the hospital from surgery. Reading your penchant for humor do you have any funny stories related to your stay in the hospital?

CFB Wizard: Well I can tell you there isn’t anything funny about being gutted like a fish and spending some time in a hospital, but I will tell you this much.

Once I was released from the Hospital, I had a Foley Catheter that I had to wear for while.

And by “wear” I mean it was attached if you know what I mean.

If you are unaware of what that exactly is, it’s where urine, blood etc. collects in a bag.

Now, during the day this tube goes from your personal business into a bag attached to your ankle, that way when you have to empty it, so to speak, you just open the valve on the bag and you’re done.

I had a lot of people check on me and several friends stay with me during my initial recuperation period and I thank them all so much for that.

When one of my friends “Jeff” was here and we decided to drive up the road to see Sgt. Alvin C. York’s House and Museum in nearby Pall Mall Tennessee.

By the way, if you haven’t been there, you should go

I needed to get out for a while and Jeff had never been there before and although it was a rather arduous journey for me, we both had a good time.

But towards the end of the day, it was time for me to empty the Catheter.

So before we left Pall Mall I had Jeff stop at a convenience store so I could hit the restroom.

Wouldn’t you know it; the Men’s Room was occupied….

So without a lot of fanfare I walked to the side of the store, bent over and raised the left leg of my trouser up just far enough to release the valve on the Catheter near my ankle and was in the process of emptying the contents when the female owner of the store came out and asked me “Is everything alright, What are you doing?”

Not feeling under any obligation to inform this lady of my surgery etc. I simply said

“Your restroom was occupied and it’s easier for me to pee if I just bend over and go from my ankle”

FTS: How did she react to that?

CFB Wizard: After nearly fainting, she offered me her hand in matrimony, the keys to her new Cadillac and three weeks all expenses paid at her time share in Pensacola.

FTS: This after all is a Farming and Tractor publication do you have any stories you would like to relate to the readers regarding either subjects?

CFB Wizard: I do love my Kubota tractors and they are some of the finest machines built, of that I have no doubt. They can do just about anything, as an example…

Several years ago an elderly couple that I was very close too…

The elderly gentleman passed away after a long illness

He and his family were loved by the community and everyone was at the funeral

When I went to check on “Miss Lucy” a few days after the funeral she confided in me

“They buried Mel in the wrong plot”

Since her immediate family had all returned to their homes after the funeral she asked me if I would go check with the funeral home director who also operated the cemetery to see if they would discretely “move” Mel to the right location.

Well of course I would be glad too.

I didn’t expect such a hostile reception from the Director, after all nobody was upset or angry it was just a simple mistake. But “Mr. Funeral – Cemetery Director” said that there wasn’t a mistake even after showing him the documentation of the correct ownership and location of family plots. In fact he told me, “It wasn’t his problem”

So with that, I took Miss Lucy’s documentation to the local library and did a little research and I found exactly what I was looking for.

The very next morning I loaded my Big Kubota Tractor up with the front bucket onto my eighteen foot trailer and headed to the cemetery.

I was backing the tractor off the trailer at the cemetery when “Mr. Funeral – Cemetery Director” came running up with some other guy screaming “What in the Hell are you doing?”

It was kind of hard to hear them yelling because at the time I needed a new muffler on the tractor and it was loud, as in REAL loud.

I leaned out of the cab and handed “Mr. Funeral – Cemetery Director” some copies I made at the library that simply said….

“Any property purchased, to include cemetery plots constitute real property by the state and the owners of such property cannot be prevented from or impeded from conducting such necessary maintenance as is necessary unless a prior agreement has been reached as to the upkeep and perpetual care of said property.”

After shuffling quickly through the paper work “Mr. Funeral – Cemetery Director” was yelling over the sound of the Kubota tractor as I backed my monster Kubota off the trailer

“What the hell does all this mean?”

Once I again I leaned out of the cab of the Kubota and as calmly as I could over the roar of the tractor said “I am going to dig Mel up and get him in the right hole, now don’t worry I will try and be as careful as I can and not knock any headstones over, because I don’t want you to have to fix those too, since you won’t let me get to my property”

Let me tell you, Ole Mister Director was moving like his ass was on fire and they got Mel where he belonged in no time flat.

I told Miss Lucy the whole story after everything was made right and she laughed so hard her teeth almost flew out of her mouth.

So my point is….

Those Kubota tractors can do just about anything, including making a Funeral Home and Cemetery Director; “do the right thing”.

FTS: I have to admit we don’t hear too many tractor stories quite like that.

So how is your quest going to have your book published? I have read some of the manuscripts you forwarded to us, and let me say that I thoroughly enjoyed them.

CFB Wizard: Thank you so much I appreciate it.

Currently I have been rejected forty nine times by a variety of publishers.

But the good news is that I have yet to reach my record of rejections which is sixty three, which was set in the Mid-70’s while trying to get a date for my High School Senior Prom.

I ended up going to the Prom with a girl nobody else wanted to go with either

Mavis Burch

She had lost a leg in a corn thrasher when she was really young, not to mention she was a tough country girl and she didn’t seem to fit in with everybody else either.

We ended up sneaking a couple of bottles of liquor into the dance in her prosthetic leg and we had a better time than anybody there and let me also say, even with a prosthetic leg that girl could dance her butt off.

So it’s my belief that even with rejection and disappointment it’s important to remember that there is an opportunity in every situation.

FTS: We certainly don’t condone underage drinking here at the magazine and I am sure that your school didn’t either, correct?

CFB Wizard:That’s what Mr. Johnson the shop teacher who was one of the chaperon’s at the dance was trying to make a point about when Mavis threatened to put a knot on his head with her prosthetic leg if he didn’t mind his own damn business.

It’s not wise to ask too many questions when a one legged girl is liquored up and having a good time, it’s a rule.

FTS: Alright then….

How do you go about making your famous college football selections?

CFB Wizard: It’s hard to put into words, but more than anything it’s a feeling.

Sometimes that feeling ends up being just gas and I blow the games out of my butt

FTS: How do you remember all the team’s mascots, even the smaller schools?

CFB Wizard: Simply put, I’m an idiot savant

FTS: Is there any “one thing” you would like to see changed with college football?

CFB Wizard: For the Love of all that is Holy in College Football..

Show the Marching Bands on television at Halftime

FTS: Now for something different, let me ask you this…

When you get to heaven what would you like to hear God say?

CFB Wizard: I wasn’t aware we were “Inside the Actors Studio with James Lipton”

But alright..

I would expect to hear….

“Welcome Home Son, Coach Bryant has been asking for you….Roll Tide”

FTS: Before we wrap this up do you have any inside prognostications on the coming football season that you would like to share with us here?

CFB Wizard: I hate to bust anyone’s bubble or ruin their dreams but the Indiana Hoosiers and the Kansas Jayhawks will NOT be playing for the National Collegiate Football Championship this year and you can take that one to the bank.

FTS: It has been a real pleasure talking with you, is there anything you want to say to the readers before we close?

CFB Wizard: In case the readers were unaware I wanted them to know…..

Despite what you may believe or have heard or read somewhere….

God’s NOT Dead

Roll Tide

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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One Response to Get To Know Your CFB Wizard

  1. ant on August 22, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    I sincerely hope you were honest with the gal at the convenience store… you don’t seem to do very well that whole married thing. LMBO – thanks!

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