Preseason College Football Extravaganza II

August 21, 2014
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Awaiting you in this last installment of the Preseason College Football Extravaganza are the “guest” writers for the upcoming season representing the various Conferences and Independent’s.

The CFB Wizard 2014 Predictions and Prognostications for the upcoming season….

And as you might imagine…

There will be something here to offend just about everyone…

Enjoy..


PRESEASON EMAIL Q and A

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard

Why don’t you have a picture of yourself on the Website?

People want to know what the CFB Wizard looks like!

Enquiring Minds want to know!

Michelle – Gulf Shores, Alabama

A: I receive quite a number of these requests a year

Posting a picture of myself on this or any other website puts me a bit of a quandary

Let me explain….

When I look in the mirror, this is what I “think” I see…..

Burt

The reality of the situation is considerably different

I actually look more like this

billy-bob-thornton-sling-blade

So would you like some mustard with your biscuits?

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

We are so happy you are back!

Some of us heard that you had some rather major surgery; did you go to the Veterans Administration (VA) for your surgery?

We are all praying that you are 100% soon!

RTR

Gloria – Huntsville, Alabama

A: Thank you for your thoughtful email and your prays Gloria

I DID NOT have my surgery at the “VA”……

IF that had been the only route available to me, the plan I formulated was the following:

1. Get liquored up and attempt to perform the surgery on myself, after all I have all the necessary tools and several sets of vice grips. The obvious drawback to this option was getting too liquored up and passing out before I finished the surgery, or worse yet…Waking up in my maintenance bay with my pants off and a set of vice grips attached to something important.

2. I spoke with my four legged children’s (Doc and Sadie) Veterinarian and he agreed to do the surgery after I had my rabies and distemper shots. The advantage to this option is that the level of care and professionalism from the Veterinarian is FAR better than anything available at the VA Administration.

3. I met with my taxidermist and after signing several non-disclosure agreements with him; I wasn’t assured that the surgery would be successful and that I wouldn’t end up above the mantel of my own fireplace.

Q: Dear Wizard!

I got a question and I need an answer!

My cable provider here in Indiana doesn’t have the Big Ten Network.

Do you have any solutions? I want to see my Hoosiers!

Thank you!

Toby – Terre Haute, Indiana

A: Thank you so much for this email Toby!

I needed a good laugh today!!!!

Somebody wanting to “pay” to see the Indiana Hoosiers play football!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

That cracked me up! Thank you for the great laugh!

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

I think you are being overly critical of Coach Rich Rod of Arizona’s wife in the past

I don’t think Rita Rod is an ugly woman, in fact I think she is attractive

Thank you

Stephen – Tempe, Arizona

A: You are certainly entitled to your opinion Stephen

But when your email arrived in brail, I understand that your eyesight may be in question

I’m just saying…

Q: Dear Sir

Your categorization of Native American’s last week was the most offensive article I have ever read in my entire life.

I won’t dignify your ignorance on American Indians with a response, but suffice to say you don’t know anything about Indians.

Sincerely

Running Feather – Yankton, South Dakota

A: You are incorrect in your assumption that I don’t know anything about Indians

For example I know….

The Indians and Pakistanis have single handedly cornered both the Slushy and the Motel 6 market in this country.

Guest Writers and Conference Predictions

After reviewing the submissions of the “guest” writers for this weeks’ column it’s clear to me that I have for the most part mislabeled this particular segment.

It should have been entitled “Delusional and Confusing College Football Ramblings”

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know who on the CFB Wizard staff selected some of these knuckleheads, but I hope to have the issue resolved soon.

Thank you for your patience

Ubutu Tomo Delega

From Eugene Oregon, representing the PAC 12 Conference

“Hello! My name Ubutu!

I am Oregon Duck but I am Kenyan because I come from Kenya

Cross Country I run here for Ducks in Oregon

In Kenya we have no Ducks so I am glad to see Ducks.

Forgive me I not understand Football here, it’s not like Football I know in Kenya with round ball that we kick and put in net.

I try and understand but Ubutu confused why Colorado and Utah in Pacific Coast Conference, maybe caused by Tsunami or earthquake that move them to pacific coast.

Ubutu does not know the answer

NIKE told Ubutu to say Oregon Ducks Number One!

NIKE been very very good to Ubutu!

Thank you!!!
Sincerely
Ubutu

EDITORS NOTE: Strangely enough…..
Ubutu is still the most articulate Ducks fan we have heard from since the inception of The CFB Wizard

Sean McDonald

From South Bend, Indiana
Representing the Atlantic Coast Conference and Independent(s)

Forgive me I hope this makes sense I have been out drinking again tonight and I haven’t checked my email in weeks because I couldn’t remember the password.

My name is Sean McDonald and I was chosen because as a Notre Dame Fighting Irish fan, I will represent Notre Dame, who I guess is now almost in the ACC, but is still an independent.

Sounds like my girlfriend. Sure she wants to “date” me but she still wants to see other people, what kind of crap is that? Am I right? Hang on for a minute I have to go to the fridge and get something cold to drink.

I am glad to have won this contest, although I don’t remember entering it. I was a little tore up that night after another argument with my crappy girlfriend and her stupid roommate Stella.

I haven’t won much lately so this is kind of a big deal for me

My mother is a big mouth idiot from Wisconsin and my father is a pumpkin headed Irishman that thinks he knows everything because he got a new pair of reading glasses.

They both love my little brother more than me even though he has teeth like a demented wolverine and eats like a goblin; it turns my stomach to think of that little monster gnawing on a chicken leg.

I forgot where I was going with this, O yeah, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

Will the Irish do better than they did last year?

I think so, although based on my track record of winning anything I would say they will end up just like me by the end of the season.

Hung over, pissed off, with a crappy girlfriend and parents you can’t stand to be around.

Go Irish
Sean

EDITORS NOTE: Far be it from me to sound sanctimonious here….

But it sounds like someone needs a “preseason” intervention


Roy – Roy Davidson Jr. from Norman Oklahoma


Representing the BIG 12 Conference

It’s R2D2 for the Mighty Damn Oklahoma Boomer Damn Sooners!

They call me R2D2 because my name is Roy – Roy Davidson Jr. get it!

I know that’s awesome as hell isn’t it!

Alright let’s talk some Big Damn 12 Football…

Now I will be the first to tell you that I can’t name all twelve teams in the conference, but it don’t matter because the Oklahoma Sooners are the best damn team in the Conference.

Now here is how it’s going to play out this season…

Other than the damn OSU Cowboys and those annoying ass Baylor Bears I believe we got the Big 12 Championship wrapped up and a shot at the National Championship.

I know, I didn’t mention that damn team from Austin and I will tell you why

I haven’t seen a sunset here in twenty four years because it’s that damn burnt orange color and I don’t give a damn what my wife says either.

She’s from Ardmore Oklahoma which is too damn close to the border of that state south of us, which I won’t name and she can’t be trusted during football season.

Boomer Damn Sooner
R2D2

EDITORS NOTE: If you are keeping score at home….

Thus far for the “guest” writers that’s “one” intervention and “one” paranoid delusional

Bill “Bucky Eye” Tool from Dayton, Ohio

Representing the Big Ten Conference

First Thank you for not only having me here (Bill “Bucky Eye” Tool) representing the Best Damn Conference in ALL of College Football, but for including the picture of myself and my neighbor Tom and his partner Troy in the College Football Extravaganza Last week!

Now for those Buckeyes fans that know Tom and his partner “in crime” Troy…

I just want to say right up front that I’m not gay!

Seriously I’m not gay, I have a wife and kids! I just like to dress up and paint myself!

Sure the three of us horse around and paint each other, but that doesn’t make me gay!

Not that I have anything against it, it’s like we say here in Ohio

“If gay is your way then that’s ok”

I mean Tom and Troy have won the tandem corndog eating championship at the County Fair for last six years in a row since they became “partners”.

I know it’s kind of disgusting to watch them, but just like the Buckeyes they are both wieners!

I meant winners! (please correct this before you publish it, please. Damn autocorrect)

Ok enough of that I just wanted to clear that up so let’s get to BIG TEN FOOTBALL!

Let’s be honest here, THE Ohio State Mighty Buckeyes only have two “real” games this year and I don’t want to hear anybody complain! That’s just good scheduling if you ask me!

We have Michigan State in East Lansing and the Big Ten Championship Game!

That’s it! That’s all we have! TWO games! Seriously!!!!

That practically guarantees the Buckeyes a shot at the National Championship!

And that’s why the BUCKEYES ARE a POWERHOUSE!

The BIG TEN RULES!

GO BUCKEYS!
Bill “Bucky Eye” Tool

EDITORS NOTE: I don’t know what that was, but other than an accurate description of the Ohio State Buckeyes 2014 football schedule, but all I can say to the other is…

I won’t ever look at a corndog the same way again….

Thanks Jackass

Joe Stonehouse from Huntington West Virginia

Representing Conference USA

My name is Joe Stonehouse and I want to thank you so much for selecting me as a guest writer to represent Conference USA. I have never done anything like this so please be patient with me.

I have lived in Huntington all my life and I am a life long Marshall Thundering Herd fan.

So although I have a great deal of respect for our opponents within the Conference and the traditions of their respective schools, I just want to say that there isn’t a more beautiful place on earth than Huntington West Virginia in the Fall for a football game.

So without any great fan fair I want to say I believe this is finally the year the Thundering Herd takes the Conference USA Championship.

WE ARE MARSHALL

Respectfully
Joe Stonehouse

EDITORS NOTE: Finally Somebody I can relate too, nicely done Joe

Robert “Spud” Devine from Boise Idaho

Representing the Mountain West Conference

My name is Robert, but everybody around here calls me “Spud” because my family and I run a twenty acre potato farm outside of Boise Idaho (GO BRONCOS!)

I want to than thank the selection committee of the CFB Wizard for selecting me for this honor to pick the potential champion of the Mountain West Conference this year.

I think we all know the Boise State Bronco’s are the perennial favorites to win the conference title especially since everybody seemingly left the conference! Ha!

So with my obligation to this contest and the selection committee fulfilled, I would like to talk about a subject that is near and dear to my family’s heart.

I want to talk about our Son, Robert Junior or “Spuddy” as he likes to be called.

Robert was born with an extremely rare case of Potato-Cranium-Osmosis

It is very similar to the “elephant man” disease, except Robert Junior’s body has slowly morphed into a potato.

Here is a picture of our “Spuddy” with his Doctors…

Spuddy

As you can imagine it’s hard for “Spuddy” to go out in public without a lot of undue attention, with a lot of finger pointing and pictures etc.

I want to bring attention to this rare and dreadful disease that has impacted more than three families in the state of Idaho over the last hundred years.

Thank you for your time and GO BRONCO’S!

Robert “Spud” Devine

EDITORS NOTE: Not to sound too harsh here….

But speaking of “Attention”…

Maybe “Spuddy” wouldn’t draw any undue attention

If you didn’t dress him in a turtle neck sweater

Then maybe your son wouldn’t look like a turd in a sock; I’m just saying…

Dexter Boudreaux from Breaux Bridge Louisiana

Representing the Sun Belt Conference

EDITORS NOTE: Since the majority of Dexter’s submission was in French I will interpret his letter for you in English.

“I like crawfish, I like Beer, when I’m not watching college football I’m cooking a Deer.”

RAJUN CAJUNS!

“Let the Good Times Roll”
Dexter

EDITORS NOTE: You got to give Dexter credit; he got right to the point.

Mr. James “Hootie” Snitch from Baneberry Tennessee

Representing the Southeastern Conference

Hey yawl it’s Hootie Snitch only the Number Damn One Vol fan on the planet!

Looky here, I ain’t about to write anything about the whole SEC, I am taking this thing over and doing my famous “Big Orange Report” right here and right now.

Hell yeah I just done it!

First things First, I tell you what I like most about Football Time in Tennessee

It just smells right, It smells comforting to me

To me college football season smells like fresh cookies right out of the oven, the inside of a new car setting on the car lot with plastic still on the seats and the inside of my mama’s purse all rolled into one.

Now let’s talk some Big Orange Football, alright!

Now yawl know that we got the only lesbian football coach in the country, right?

And don’t get me wrong, Butch Jones ain’t much to look at as a woman

(He’s kind of like my sister-in-law who work’s on the Baneberry Sanitation Department, she’s goy big shoulders and wears a flat top haircut too)

But let me tell you something about Ole Butch Jones…

That thespian can sure coach some football!

Now the Big Orange got them a hard damn schedule this year, with..

Oklahoma (that is out west somewhere, but they is good)
Georgia, (I can’t stand them damn dog barking cheers)
Florida (Who I hate!)
Alabama (I hate them worse!!!!)
South Carolina (Steve Spurrier is a jackass)
Missouri (Which is out there next to Oklahoma)

I won’t predict a National Championship like I done the past couple of years and I ain’t even going predict each game in the season this year.

But I am predicting that The Tennessee Vols WILL go to a major Bowl game this year!

Yes sir they will!

Then you all better watch out, because you all got a butt chugging coming to you!

HAAAAAAAAAA!

Hootie – Out!

EDITORS NOTE: Ok I think it’s safe to say this particular segment didn’t turn out quite the way I had envisioned it. I’m terribly sorry

2014 PRE-SEASON CONFERENCE PROGNOSTICATIONS

Understanding the rationale of the various conferences and the teams that comprise them can be confusing to some people, and without attempting to justify or rationalize these decisions I will guide you through the 2014 Conference realignment before we make our predictions.

No need to thank me, it’s what I do

Atlantic Coast Conference

This year on the “Atlantic Coast” you have Louisville and the non-committal Notre Dame Fighting Irish, who will also “sort of” stay Independent, while “sort of” joining the ACC.

Now we understand that these two Universities are not on the Atlantic Coast, at least not until the Mississippi River has a flood of Biblical proportions. So although this geographical anomaly may confuse you initially, it is still not the most confusing thing within the American culture.

If you want to see real confusion and idiocy in action I have one word for you: FEMA

This season the ACC Title may very well boil down to one game….

Clemson at Florida State on September 20th

The winner of this game will play the Miami Hurricanes (possibly) for the ACC Championship and undoubtedly win that game to be in the mix for the National Championship.

Who can spoil this possible Clemson – Seminole Championship?

The Louisville Cardinals

That’s Who

Believe it

American Athletic Conference

This conference has been rebranded more times than Bill and Hillary Clinton

But suffice to say the AAC, not to be confused with the “ACC” has now incorporated a number of teams within Conference USA and other smaller conferences to form what you now see as the American Athletic Conference.

Without the Louisville Cardinals in the conference beating the living hell out of everybody, the conference title may well be decided this year between the Houston Cougars with their new and improved stadium and the University of Central Florida Golden Knights.

That’s my selection and I’m sticking to it

But what I wouldn’t give to see my beloved SMU Mustangs win the conference crown…

You can’t blame a man for dreaming

The Big Ten Conference

If you have followed along with the other conferences described above, then you may want to settle in, because this is where it starts to get confusing.

The “Big Ten” conference has “fourteen” teams within the conference

EDITORS NOTE:
I know…It makes you wonder how tough it is to get an accounting degree from any of these schools.

Added this season to the Conference is….

Rutgers and Maryland

Who both got tired of having their respective asses kicked in other conferences and wanted to be abused by other more notable teams within the Midwestern United States.

These two teams will join the other bottom feeders; Purdue, Indiana, Illinois and Minnesota to vie for the title of worse teams in the conference.

There is only one game of note this year on the “Big Ten” Conference schedule

Ohio State at Michigan State

There the Big Ten Championship will be decided

Who is the potential spoiler in the Conference “that can’t no count good”?

The Wisconsin Badgers

The Big 12 Conference

If you followed along with the “new” math in the Big Ten Conference then you shouldn’t have any problem understanding the Big 12 Conference methodology.

The Big 12 Conference doesn’t have “twelve” teams in the conference

EDITORS NOTE:
I know…

The Big 12 Conference only has “ten” teams within the conference, which once again finds us all asking the burning question…

“Who does the math around these places?”

But that aside, The Big 12 (Lite) Conference

EDITORS NOTE: It has all the excitement of a regular conference but with only half the calories

This Conference Championship will come down to the Baylor – Oklahoma game in Norman on November the 8th.

However, I wouldn’t rule out Charlie Strong’s Texas Longhorns as a spoiler this year.

The Longhorns won’t win the title this year, but they are sure going to spoil the party for somebody

Conference USA

With the addition of Western Kentucky and Middle Tennessee State, Conference USA now has thirteen teams within the conference and hopes to be more competitive national wide this year.

Many of the nation’s sports prognosticators are picking the University of Texas at San Antonio (UTSA) to win the conference title this year.

EDITORS NOTE: In all fairness I thought UTSA was an acronym for “United Tennis Sissy’s Association”

My Pick for the Conference USA Title in 2014…..

WE ARE MARSHALL

Believe it

Mid-American Conference (MAC)

I don’t care and neither should you

Mountain West Conference

This conference although boasting of twelve teams within the conference; only has two “real” contenders for the title year in and year out.

Boise State and Fresno State

EDITORS NOTE: Yep, that’s it…..

My take is that (once again) Boise State and their hideous blue football field will win the conference title while making people at home adjust their color and contrast on their television sets in an effort to prevent premature blindness caused by their ridiculous looking football field.

PAC 12 Conference

Now believe it or not, the PAC 12 actually has twelve teams in the conference

I know, shocking right?

This Conference, which is more known for whining about not getting any respect and having their games broadcasted at midnight to three o’clock in the morning East Coast Time, does have some notable achievements going into 2014.

The Arizona Wildcat’s Coach Rich Rod has the most disturbing hair plugs in all of college football and his wife “Rita Rod” has once again won the “Scariest Looking Coach’s Wife” award and in a strange twist of fate has also landed the lead role of “The Wicked Witch of the West” in the theatrical rendition of “The Wizard of Oz” opening in Tempe Arizona on September 1st.

These prestigious awards aside….

The PAC 12 Title will be decided on October 11th in Pasadena California when the Oregon Ducks in their absurd glow in the dark combination uniforms collide with the UCLA Bruin Bears.

My Take…..UCLA

But beware of the Cardinal of Stanford; those smart kids can play some football

The Ivy League

Seriously, nobody cares

Sun Belt Conference

First thought to be decimated by defections by several schools to other conferences, the Sun Belt has bounced back nicely with the addition of Georgia Southern and Appalachian State and in the event you don’t think those little ole colleges can’t field a football team…

Just ask any Michigan or Florida fan about them….

Buy be out of arms length when you ask them, you might get hit in the head with a stick

However, even with these two powerhouses joining the conference I am going with Louisiana Lafayette Rajun Cajuns to win the Sun Belt this year.

The Southeastern Conference

Let’s face it….

There are far too many good teams in the SEC to pick one or two as standouts for a Championship, particularly this early in the season.

But Georgia, Florida and South Carolina will vie for the Eastern Title this year as Missouri’s Cinderella has lost her shoe and will not be attending the Ball in Atlanta.

My take on the Eastern Division title……South Carolina

Tennessee will be better, and so will Vanderbilt but Kentucky won’t be …

Believe it….

Alabama, Auburn and LSU will once again be in the mix for the big dance in Atlanta while we will all be forced to listen to announcers talk about “how much the Texas A&M Aggies misses Johnny Football”

Arkansas will return to a Bowl game this year and Ole Miss just might upset the whole apple cart for everyone in the Western Division and watch out for the Mississippi State Bulldogs, this may their year to make some real noise.

Next week……..

Just in time for Kickoff….

Your 2014 Week 1 College Football Picks will be out next Wednesday…..

And as an extra added bonus, tomorrow morning right here on The CFB Wizard there will be an article entitled “Get to know The CFB Wizard” which is a copy of an upcoming interview with Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.

I hope you enjoy it…..

One More thing….

These College Football Picks of mine have been written for a number of years during war and peace and through death and disease and during a few other disasters in between.

I want to thank you all for coming along with me throughout the many seasons.

It hasn’t always been easy, but it sure has been fun

Thank you all

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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One Response to Preseason College Football Extravaganza II

  1. ant on August 22, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    Remember when you use to print this out and carry it around the office? I sure do love me some College Football! BTW Levi wants to know when you’re heading this way? Cheers!

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