The 2014 College Football Preseason Extravaganza

August 14, 2014
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Much like the late great Country Music singer George Jones

I may be late, but I’m always right on time…

Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator is back for 2014

(I know, I’m kind of surprised myself to be honest)

Set back and relax and enjoy Part I of your 2014 College Football Preseason Preview

The CFB Wizard 2014 Format

Just a few administrative notes before we get started this season

After selecting a thousand or more games over the course of a single college football season and thousands (and Thousands) of games throughout the years it has occurred to me that many of you don’t read some of the lengthy articles (diatribes) or the myriad of games selected each week.

This season I will be selecting fewer games and attempt to keep the articles brief.

This may be difficult for me as many of you know by now that I can be as windy as a bag full of buttholes, but I don’t want this column to drag along for you each week.

The guest writers selected for this season will also keep their comments and articles to a minimum, even Hootie Snitch with his always delusional “Big Orange Report”

I know your time is valuable and some people (most people) don’t have the time or the inclination to read the College Football equivalent of “War and Peace”.

Because I write this for you (the readers) “If” this doesn’t set well with you and you want to see more content and the usual variety of games selected during the weekly picks, then shoot me an email or a message and I will be glad to provide you with whatever you would like to see here.

Just as long as it doesn’t involve any nudity, sock monkeys or rabid possums

Although I must confess, Sock Monkeys are fun even when you’re alone

The CFB Wizard Wide World of Sports

Before we get into your long awaited 2014 College Football Preseason Extravaganza, it’s important to clear up a few perceived misunderstandings that some of you, who may have recently discovered this famously informative website, have about the CFB Wizard.

This is The “College Football Wizard”……….

I don’t write about or comment about other sports, I just write about my beloved college football, that’s it.

But in an effort to clear up any misunderstandings or misgivings you may have let’s address these concerns individually.

WORLD CUP SOCCER

I am not a Progressive Democrat so I don’t try and tell people what they “can” and “cannot” enjoy or how to live their lives so if you enjoy watching soccer for four hours with a riveting score of 1-0 then that’s ok by me.

But you do understand that soccer isn’t a real sport, right?

If it was a “real” sport then Frenchmen wouldn’t be able to play it.

TRACK and FIELD

The only thing more boring than “Track” is “Field”….

Enough said…

NBA BASKETBALL

I cannot support, nor will I watch a “sport” where every team makes the “playoffs”

Also I am convinced that if the NBA ran World War II we would still be fighting the Germans and the Japanese and possibly Argentina.

HOCKEY

Simply put……

It’s a sport that is played in the frozen wastelands of the world and we in the South are absolved for not watching or being interested in anything related to “winter” sports.

That also includes but is not limited too:

Figure Skating

The Broom and a Rock game they play in Canada that’s in the Olympics

Anything to do with a snow sled and any abomination done with water ski’s in the snow

THE NFL

There was a time when there was “Professional” Football…..

(Yes kids, it’s true…)

It was played by tough guys, because the sport was violent

Now it’s played by whiners and the sport resembles flag football.

Enough Said…

CELEBRITY POKER

I have two issues with this “sport” and I use that term loosely….

One….

“IF” playing cards makes someone an athlete then there are millions of “athletes” in a million nursing homes across the country right now awaiting their shot at “the big time”.

Two….

I don’t like the term “Celebrity Poker”

It sounds like something nasty taking place at a cheap hotel with one of those Kardashin women

PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL

I don’t understand why each team needs to play 1,168 games for ten months and they still have to have a seven game series at the end of it all to determine a champion.

EDITORS NOTE: Note to All Professional Sports….

IF your “sport” lasts longer than a normal pregnancy then the season is too damn long

TENNIS

Please see my comments above on “Soccer” and insert the obvious

PGA GOLF

I really enjoy playing golf but I am lost and confused when I see it on television

Not once have I seen a Pirate Ship, a Gorilla or a Giraffe on a golf course on television

Let me ask you….

Have you ever seen the winning shot at Augusta National made into a dinosaurs mouth?

I rest my case…

BOWLING

I respect any “sport” that allows and encourages the drinking of alcohol during the participation of such activity. But I refuse to wear somebody else’s “used” sweaty shoes during the process, that’s just nasty.


2014 College Football Predictions and Prognostications

This 2014 College Football Season you can expect to see…..

There will be a dozen or more talking heads in a television studio (Any Studio) telling us (viewers) what we already know about the game(s) we are about to watch that afternoon or evening.

From these studio “experts” you will hear such pearls of wisdom as……

“If they expect to win this game they are going to have score more points”

“They aren’t going to win if they don’t keep the other team from scoring”

EDITORS NOTE: You may assume correctly that the resume of these “experts” says…

“Master of the Obvious”

You will not see the college Marching Bands at Halftime again this season because the networks feel that it’s more important to listen to the same bubblehead’s in the studio ramble on and on than it is to enjoy the pageantry and tradition of college football.

Sadly this season, the game day cameras will scan the stadium of a game (any game) and you will be forced to see grown ass men painted and dressed in fluorescent colors of their favorite university that they didn’t attend, much to the embarrassment of their immediate family.

OSU Fans

EDITORS NOTE: “IF” you are a grown man that is over the age of 24 and you are still painting yourself and playing “dress-up” for college game day in a variety of “costumes”, then let me break this to you gently.

You need to get a hobby that doesn’t involve embarrassing yourself and your family

This Season….

During a variety of college football telecasts this season you will be subjected to a number of commercials involving medication that will have the following side effects:

Thoughts of suicide

Excessive mood swings

Nausea

Dizziness

Migraine Headaches

Bloating

Strangely enough, those are the same symptoms you get from listening to CBS commentator Gary Danielson and or ESPN’s Paul Finebaum.

This 2014 season you can expect Oklahoma’s Coach Bob Stoops to continue to whine more than a four week old puppy on the subject of….. (Pick one)

Sometime this college football season….

Television “commentator” and “analyst” and former Florida Gator Quarterback Jesse Palmer will continue to mispronounce even the simplest of player’s names this season while later confessing on air that he can’t read the teleprompter but only interrupts “the squiggly lines” that run across the screen.

This college football season we will all be numbed to tears with a seemingly endless array of young women in the college football studio wearing short skirts, spray on orange tans with big poufy hair that know as much about college football as they do about quantum physics.

This season The PAC 12 will once again placed third in the television ratings on the East Coast, in the Midnight to three ‘o’clock in the morning time slot. Ahead of the PAC 12 in the ratings were re-runs of “Friends” and an infomercial entitled “Hair in a Can”.

The Indiana Hoosiers will continue to suck at football….

The Purdue Boilermakers (Please see the above comment and insert your name)

The Kansas Jayhawks (Please see the above comment and insert your name followed by “Really Sucks”)

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services will determine this season that the University of Maryland’s glow in the dark multi-colored uniforms are the leading cause of dyslexia, dementia and premature blindness in young adults.

After a long and exhaustive investigation with over a hundred thousand plaintiffs, ESPN’s Big Ten college football “commentator” Beth Mowins will finally be brought to justice and indicted for “Ear Rape” of those viewers that either do not have a mute button or couldn’t get to the remote control fast enough before having their ear canals violated.

Despite his departure for the National Football League at the end of last season….
We viewers will still be forced to hear numerous references this year about…

“Johnny Football”

EDITORS NOTE: I know……

This season CBS college football “commentator” Vern Lundquist will continue to mix sports metaphors during a college football game with such annoying comments as:

“LSU really got a hole in one with that slam dunk home run!”

EDITORS NOTE: Comments like that is why Vern continues to get death threats….

This season ESPN’s Mark May, in an effort to boost ratings, will attempt to make his predictions on the weekly games utilizing only jazz hands and spirit fingers.

This is season I will still miss the great commentator team of Keith Jackson and Frank Broyles, they were the best there has ever been in college football.

Speaking of the Best…

ESPN”s College Game Day is STILL the best College Game Day program – Period

EDITORS NOTE: And as a side note to the above….

I Love Coach Lee Corso, and you should too

Reading Between the Lines

I know, I know…..

It’s difficult sometimes to understand what some coaches and athletic directors are saying and it’s even more confusing to interrupt what they “really” mean.

That’s why Your Favorite Prognosticator is here….

Take for example the University of Tennessee

The student body, fans and alumni had taken some flak a couple of years ago on a craze that had hit the University of Tennessee campus known as “Butt Chugging”

For those of you that may be blissfully unaware….

This involves ingesting alcohol in your butt thru a tube that is attached to a container filled with an alcoholic beverage.

EDITORS NOTE: I know……

The University had tried unsuccessfully to encourage fraternities and other off campus student parties to rename their events “Nontraditional Drinking Socials”; however the stigma of “Butt Chugging” continued to prevail across Tennessee’s campus.

Now we have this statement from the University of Tennessee before their “big” season opener with perennial powerhouse Utah State.

“The University of Tennessee Vols will open the 2014 season on a Sunday night rather than the traditional Saturday. The Vols and organizers of the Knoxville based “Boomsday” are trading event days. Therefore, the Vols will host its season opener against Utah State on Sunday evening, while Boomsday — the mega fireworks show associated with Labor Day — will take place on Saturday.

University of Tennessee Head Coach Butch Jones told the Vol Network, “It will be an exciting weekend for our city and state with Boomsday on Saturday and the season opener on Sunday. The atmosphere and energy in Knoxville will be unrivaled.”

What did all that really mean?

Let me interpret that for you and break down the subtle meaning behind this statement

“The University of Tennessee Vols will open the 2014 season on a Sunday night rather than the traditional Saturday.”

Meaning: We determined that too many other fans will be watching “real” games on Saturday i.e. (Georgia-Clemson) and (Alabama – West Virginia) and (Florida State – Oklahoma State) and (Wisconsin – LSU) and we didn’t want the stadium to be empty on Saturday night so we moved the game to Sunday.

“The Vols and organizers of the Knoxville based “Boomsday” are trading event days. Therefore, the Vols will host its season opener against Utah State on Sunday evening, while Boomsday — the mega fireworks show associated with Labor Day — will take place on Saturday.”

Meaning: “Boomsday” is code for “Butt Chugging” which I think we can all agree does cause some people who engage in such activity to confuse the after effects of Butt Chugging with “fireworks”.

“University of Tennessee Head Coach Butch Jones told the Vol Network, “It will be an exciting weekend for our city and state with Boomsday on Saturday and the season opener on Sunday. The atmosphere and energy in Knoxville will be unrivaled.”

Meaning: I pray we beat Utah State because I don’t want to be Butt Chugged.

2014 College Football Preseason Emails

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

Welcome Back!

I have a question for you to start the 2014 college football season

“If” the Ohio State Buckeyes are supposed to be such a “powerhouse”

Then why are they starting the season playing Navy?

Thank you

Chip – Wooster, Ohio

A: Thank you for the kind email Chip….

The answer to that question is simple

The Ohio State Buckeyes are starting the season playing Navy because…

Jan’s Cosmetology School of Joplin Missouri was busy that weekend

Q: Dear Sir –

I read your last article (posted in July) and enjoyed it immensely

But frankly I am disturbed that anyone (ANYONE) wouldn’t be supportive of the fight for your health that you have before you.

I don’t know why you haven’t lashed out at such people, their behavior is shameful

Marsha – Birmingham, Alabama

A: Thank you for the email Marsha, I appreciate it

I never try to win over the haters….

Because I remember one very simple rule about myself

I am not a “Jackass Whisperer”

Q: Dear Mr. Wizard

I read last year that my beloved Notre Dame Fighting Irish is joining (sort of) the Atlantic Coast Conference by playing a limited schedule within the conference.

Many Irish fans (like me) feel like this was a mistake from the very beginning.

Why are we only playing Florida State and Louisville and North Carolina if we are supposed to be in a conference?

Craig – South Bend, Indiana

A: Well Craig, the reason Notre Dame is scheduled to play the three schools you mentioned above is because Maryland left the ACC and they couldn’t schedule to play Duke three times in the same season.

I hope that answered your question

Q: Dear College Football Wizard

What do you attribute the recent resurgence in Auburn Football too?

War Eagle!

And

Thank you!

Paul – Montgomery, Alabama

A: Excellent question Paul…..

The resurgence in Auburn football is in direct correlation to the number of players from the University of Georgia and or the University of Florida that have been kicked off or dismissed from those teams for criminal behavior…..
(i.e……Cam Newton, Nick Marshall…etc…etc…)

In other words…..

The more discipline is enforced at those universities the better Auburn is the following year.

These players, much like Salmon during mating season, find their way instinctively to Auburn University following their dismissal from those institutions.

I hope that answered your question Paul

Q: Dear Mister CFB Wizard –

As an Alumni of the illustrious West Point Military Academy and a retired General Officer of the United States Army and I have but one question for you this season.

How will the Army football team look this year?

Lt. General Max Buttlicker USA (ret) – Long Island, New York

A: Are you familiar with “Custer’s Last Stand?”

Q: Dear Sir

I have followed your website for a couple of years now and I have but one question.

Why do you hate and despise people from “up north” as you call them so badly?

Theresa – Grand Rapids, Michigan

A: Theresa, I certainly don’t hate Yankees…

But I have a friend in South Mississippi that does hate Yankees

His hobby is reading the obituaries every morning from the Chicago Tribune and the New York Times

Q: I have read some of your so called “articles” and you are a complete idiot!

YOU don’t know anything about college football or anything else for that matter!

YOU are out of touch!

Anonymous – St. Louis, Missouri

A: That’s true I don’t know too much about anything, and I have learned that I am clearly “out of touch” with whatever is going on today.

Case in point….

Last week I took out an add in the local paper looking for a “used winch” and four women called me looking for a date

I’m just glad I didn’t put a classified add in for a “ditch witch”……

God only knows what would have shown up

WHAT’S IN A NAME

EDITORS NOTE: If you are someone who feels that “Politically Correct” Speech is a “good thing” you may want to stop reading now, because any further reading may make your head explode and your colon tremble.

The same people who brought you the term “Politically Correct”, which is nothing more than “Speech Police”, have also sold the public on the idea to renounce what “they” determine as “Hostile or Abusive” sports mascots and icons.

By now we all know the NCAA has “banned” such hurtful words in athletics such as…..

“Indians”

EDITORS NOTE: Yeah, that’s a “Hostile” word according to NCAA speech police

Now don’t get me wrong…..

I don’t care if you call your team “the fat white trailer trash with bad credit”

It doesn’t bother me, not in the least

Although I would love to see two crossed single wide trailers on the side of a helmet

But I digress….

Universities big and small have been subject to this ruling by the NCAA and have been forced to change their mascot at the cost of millions and millions of dollars to the universities and their alumni.

Such University’s as….

The University of Illinois

North Dakota

William and Mary

Miami (OH)

And even little….Newberry College

Certainly there are colleges and universities that have been in the crosshairs of the “They” at the NCAA on the mascot issue and we know that this same mentality has attacked High Schools across the nation to change their mascots and is now bearing down on various professional team’s nicknames and mascots as well.

I am not quite sure how a select “few” can determine themselves to be the caretakers of what constitutes “Hostile or Abusive” but I do know that there is nothing in the Constitution of the United States that says anything about having “Your Feelings Hurt”

And do you know why?

Because “IF” you live on this planet long enough, you are going to be offended, it’s just that simple. And if you think that preventing people from being offended can somehow be legislated then you are naïve at the very least or worse yet, a damn fool.

But that aside, being The CFB Wizard I am obligated to look at the issues of College Football from different angles and attempt to provide a response, a solution to such vexing problems such as these.

So after careful study and consideration I believe I have found a solution to this issue.

It’s not that the mascots in question are “Hostile or Abusive”…..

It’s that the mascots of the various colleges in question do not accurately reflect the ever changing culture of the 21st Century in relation to the outdated mascots of yesterday.

Case in Point……

North Dakota was once known as “The Fighting Sioux”

We certainly can’t extol accolades on something like a “Fighting Heritage” or a “Warriors Mentality” that is far to masculine and sexist.

I would suggest a mascot that reflects “Today’s” Native American culture

The North Dakota “Casino One Arm Bandits” or maybe even…

The North Dakota “Native American Raging Alcoholics”

And if that description is too strong for you how about

The North Dakota “Drunken Indigenous Peoples”

Or how about……

The Arkansas State “Tax Free Cigarettes” available only at (fill in the blank of your favorite American Indian Casino and Resort)

Certainly we wouldn’t want to limit this philosophy to just Native American Mascots!

Since Northwestern is so close to Chicago and knowing the ever growing power of PETA how about changing them from the “Wildcats” to the “South Side Murderers” or perhaps keep it simple and just call them the Northwestern “Corruption”

If in the event the American Muslim University decides to become involved in athletics why not simply call them “The Bombers”

It just rolls off the tongue doesn’t it?

I think you would all agree….

Once again the CFB Wizard has found the solution for a very difficult and emotionally charged issue plaguing our sports programs nation wide.

You’re Welcome America

RULES LIKE RECORDS…..

The old saying “Rules like records are meant to be broken”…

Has been interpreted by some universities as of late to mean

“Rules are meant to be broken as long as our team is setting records”

Take for example Florida State University or as I like to refer to them

“Free Seafood University”

Heisman Trophy winner and National Champion Quarterback of the Seminoles

Jameis Winston

Prior to last season he was accused of raping a female student

The rules of the university clearly state that “an athlete will be suspended from any and all activity from the team until the matter is investigated and resolved”

But he wasn’t suspended, was he?

Not for a quarter, not for a game and not for a second….

Because the Seminoles were winning with Winston at quarterback

Then we have his theft of crab legs at a local grocery store….

The theft of soft drinks at a local fast food establishment…..

While playing for the Seminoles Baseball team this past spring was Jameis Winston suspended for these petty crimes?

Of course not…..

Will he be disciplined this fall for his misdeeds in the spring?

Not a chance….

Then we have Auburn Quarterback Nick Marshall…..

Dismissed from the University of Georgia for reportedly failing numerous (as in a bunch) of drug tests, before enrolling at Auburn University.

He was recently arrested in Georgia for marijuana possession while being pulled over for having tinted windows on his vehicle that were darker than the law allows.

Interestingly enough….

The only question sports writers and some fans were asking is…

“Will Nick Marshall be suspended in the opening game against Arkansas for marijuana possession?”

The Auburn Tiger head Football Coach Gus said……

Quarterback Nick Marshall and (fellow Auburn Doobie Brother) Cornerback Jonathan Mincy will not start against Arkansas but WILL Play against the Razorbacks in the season opener.

EDITORS NOTE: That’s some pretty harsh discipline there Coach….

No one (and I do mean no sports outlet anywhere) is asking the real question(s) here…..

What about the drug tests Nick Marshall has taken recently?

EDITORS NOTE: Let that one sink in for a minute…

Who paid his $1200.00 dollar fine for marijuana possession?

His Mother, really? Where did she get the money?

And my favorite question of all….

Where did a broke college kid with no credit get the money for a 2014 Dodge Charger and the extra money to have custom tinting installed on the windows?

Nick Marshall Car

Makes you wonder doesn’t it?

It all boils down to this simple formula

When only certain people have to follow the rules, then they aren’t rules anymore.

That applies to football and to life……..

Can I get an Amen?

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO…..

With all the excitement swirling around Columbus Ohio these days over the Urban Buckeyes I couldn’t help but wonder whatever happened to….

Jim Tressel

The Buckeye Football Coach with the little professor’s glasses and the red vest?

Jim Tressel

Remember him?

You will be glad to know that he has recently been named the President of Youngstown State University (“Yes”, I said President of the University)

Would you like to guess what Jim Tressel did before he was named to his newest post?

Prior to this appointment Coach Jim was named “Vice President of Student Success” and “Vice President of Strategic Engagement” at Youngstown State University

Now you are probably asking “What the Heck Does that even Mean?”

I will tell you what that means…

It means a salary of 250 thousand dollars a year (“Yes” you read that correctly)

And that my friends is one of the many reasons why tuition in colleges continues to rise

Mystery solved

You’re Welcome

NEXT WEEK……..

There is More CFB Wizard College Football Extravaganza Next week, along with prognostications and predictions for the upcoming season, so stay tuned….

ONE MORE THING…..

As I convalesce over the next several weeks and months I want to thank everyone who took the time to pray for me or send me messages of encouragement throughout this ongoing fight of mine.

I will never be able to thank you enough

I have a long road ahead of me and other than my faith, that encouragement has and will sustain me during the toughest days ahead.

That being said…

This “down time” has provided me the opportunity to reflect on a number of my legendary shenanigans, mischievous deeds and wayward adventures over the years.

I have determined that it’s time to confess and come clean on a few of these….

(Some, but not “all” due to the statute of limitations and potential litigation)

I will be writing a series on these legendary exploits on Mikerights.com….

The series will be entitled: “High Crimes and Good Times”

This week we will start at the beginning of the story, as they say…

With a “little known” fact about yours truly

Before I became a Marine

I was once in the United States Army….

I hope you enjoy it

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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One Response to The 2014 College Football Preseason Extravaganza

  1. ant on August 16, 2014 at 10:59 pm

    Amen.
    And.
    Amen.
    Please repeat the part about US Army
    and DENY it
    Please
    Thank you
    Levi

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