I Don’t Get it……

February 17, 2014

Ladies and Gentlemen –

There are a lot of things we Southerners “don’t get” or maybe it’s just me…

I don’t know….

I don’t understand why the medication I picked up at the Vet for my German Sheppard “Sadie” (Don’t worry she just had a little infection) came in a “child proof” container.

Don’t get me wrong Sadie and my Black Lab “Doc” are smart, but really?

I don’t understand with all the Hoopla surrounding the NFL and “future Hall of Famers” this and “future Hall of Famers” that why Bo Jackson isn’t in the Professional Football Hall of Fame.

EDITORS NOTE: Let that one sink in for a minute….

The above references aside…..

I have received a flurry of emails the past two weeks (No Pun intended for those of you still digging out of yet another winter snow storm) enquiring as to “why” I haven’t written anything about the Winter Olympics or asking me such questions as “Why” I think the television viewership is “down” in the South and Southwest for the Winter Olympic games and on and on the questions go.

With that being said I have pulled myself out of my Mountaintop Snowy Sabbatical to answer these very simple questions.

Simply put…..

We Southerners don’t “get” the Winter Olympics

Seriously we don’t…..

That’s why we don’t watch them

To be honest I think we are turned off from the beginning….

We Southerners can’t bear watching the opening ceremonies with all the American athletes wearing sweaters that looked like they were knitted by your crazy Aunt Alice who lives in the assisted living center.

EDITORS NOTE: The only thing that could have possibly made those damn sweaters any uglier was have knitted kittens on them.

Maybe we Southerners don’t watch the Winter Olympics because the events themselves don’t make any sense to us.

For example: Why is there “Women’s” Ice Hockey……

EDITORS NOTE: Think about it….

Events in the Summer Olympics are fairly self-explanatory….

100 Meter Dash…..

Hammer Throw…..

200 Meter Swim….

Those events and others speak for themselves, we “get” it and know what the contest consist of and know the athletes who participate in them.

But the Winter Olympics, no such luck…..

The other day there was a television announcement that said….

“The Super G contest will be on next!”

I didn’t even flinch as I turned the channel and would you like to know why?

Because I don’t like Rap music

Then of course there is “Curling”


You carry a broom with you to the Olympics to compete?

That’s great Harry Potter, but that doesn’t make you an Olympic athlete

Then there is the “Luge”

O.k., I like a good spitting contest as much as the next guy but I won’t watch an “event” if it sounds like somebody has to cough up a lung just to compete in the damn thing.

The “Nordic Combined”……

I almost watched this one until I realized it didn’t have anything to do with the Swedish Bikini Team and then I changed the channel.

There is “Ski Jumping”…….

I have a question about this event, if you want to call it that….

How in the hell do you get interested in doing that in the first place, jump off your parents roof with skis on your feet?

I have a suggestion, “if” they want to make that event more interesting then why not have the athletes go down the ski ramp pulling a 12 foot John Boat behind them?

I would watch that, believe me….

If for no other reason that to watch the “landing”

But I digress….

I saw an advertisement for the “Ski Half Pipe” the other day….

I thought to myself as I am sure many of you did as well….

“Why are we encouraging these athletes to smoke crack?”

And of course there is the “Mogul Skiing”

Ah, What?

Let me make this perfectly clear……

We Southerners are known for our wit and our humor, but throwing a mentally handicapped person down a snow covered hill with skis on isn’t funny to us even if they are wearing a helmet.

And I won’t even begin to address “Figure Skating” here…..

But suffice to say when we Southerners hear the television commentators say….

“That was a double axel tummy tuck!”

It only serves to remind us that our pickup truck is still stuck in four wheel drive and we need to try to find an appropriate time to mention to our Miss’s about going in for that plastic surgery she said something about at New Years.

And please dear readers……

Don’t try and encourage me by sending me “suggested” events to watch….

I have been getting those from many of you already…

“Have you seen the skeleton races?”

My answer…..

I don’t like boney women

Maybe we Southerners don’t watch the Winter Olympics because there are some things we simply don’t understand about the games themselves.

For example…

All the Biathlon Athletes (and I do mean all, including the American’s) shoot Anschutz rifles, right?

Don’t get me wrong I own a few of them and they are fine rifles, but why aren’t we American’s using Colts, or Browning or Remington?

EDITORS NOTE: Think about it….

Along these same lines….

One reader asked me this question about the Winter Olympics and the Bobsleds….

“Why is BMW building all the Bobsleds for the Winter Olympics?”

Well first of all there is no need to worry…..

I’m SURE that it’s all fair and above board because after all the German’s aren’t known for tricking people, right?

Well unless you are Jewish, or Polish or Russian or Austrian or…..

Never mind, MY Point here is simply this…..

I am sure that BMW didn’t give any unfair advantage to the German Bobsled athletes in this competition and I set out to prove that very fact, because nothing is too good for you my beloved readers.

I called Deter Von Cheeseburger at the BMW International Headquarters yesterday and had this brief conversation concerning the BMW Bobsleds in the Olympics.

Me: Thank you for taking my call sir….

Mr. Cheeseburger: Zee Pleasure is all mine, Vat can I does for you

Me: Could you please explain the different designs BMW created for the Olympic bobsleds?

Mr. Cheeseburger: Zertainly, zay all aerodynamic, sleek and each ahs been tested to exact specifications and each costs 250 thousand dollars to produce.

Me: Sir then why does the American’s bobsled look like a Dodge minivan?

Mr. Cheeseburger:
It vas vonderful talking vis you, good bye

EDITORS NOTE: Mystery solved……

Then I remembered all those car commercials during the Super Bowl….





So I took it upon myself to call the major American motor car companies to find out why “WE” can’t build bobsleds and each person I spoke with referred me to the same United Auto Workers Union (UAW) representative Tony “Big Pockets” Garbanzo.

My conversation with this gentleman was illuminating….

Me: Thank you for talking with me today sir….

Mr. Big Pockets:
Fo-Get about it, whats on your mind?

Me: Simply put, why aren’t American automobile manufacturers building the bobsleds for the American Winter Olympians instead of BMW?

Mr. Big Pockets: Dats a good question, but it’s what they call not economically feasible.

Me: Why is that?

Mr. Big Pockets: Well first of all each bobsled would costs about 43 million dollars to produce not including the subcontract from the Plumbers and Electrical Unions.

Me: Ah What?

Mr. Big Pockets: Yeah, and that don’t include the sled things on the bottom neither

Me: Ah What?

Mr. Big Pockets: You don’t know a lot about the Unions do you kid?

Me: Evidently not….

So you see there is a very simple reason why we Southerners don’t watch the Winter Olympics, it’s too damn confusing.

But I will say this about the Women’s Biathlon in the Winter Olympics

Chicks with guns are Hot.




You have a new article out on MikeRights.com….

Check it out…

I hope you like it


Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload CAPTCHA.