College Football Picks Part II

December 29, 2013

Ladies and Gentlemen –

The packages are unwrapped and just like that Christmas 2013 is over…..

But thankfully your Cousin Eddie the kleptomaniac has left (finally) with his annoying wife and kids. You know which kids I am talking about here, the ones that left your remote control sticky with God only knows what on it.

The same kids that would make loud donkey noises during dinner…..

The ones that were trying to touch your dog in the “naughty place”

“Those” kids….

The very fact you didn’t attempt to suffocate the entire bunch in their sleep is a victory…

So don’t be too hard on yourself….

Just be thankful they are gone…..

So while your significant other is counting the missing silverware and complaining about your “family” it would be a good time to settle in and read the second part of the College Football Bowl Picks.

But before we get to the all important Bowl Picks…..

I want to thank you all for reading the CFB Wizard this past year….

I hope you got a laugh out of it and that it occasionally gave you pause to think

It’s a labor of love for me to bring you the Picks and articles, it truly is….

Please keep up with me and bookmark the website dedicated to my upcoming book….

There will be stories from the book and information on its status and upcoming release…

I will have a story on there for you before New Years (I promise…)

I look forward to seeing you there…

Thank you all for coming along on the ride with me this year

It’s been fun

God Bless You All…..

The CFB Wizard


Greetings from the Heart of SEC Country!!!

 Well, folks, I guess this will be the last thing I do before the start of the 2014 Football season. It’s been a great year for football down here in Telfair Country. The record for our hometown boys didn’t look so good, but they played their hearts out. After the previous season, I think many of the teams we beat in 2012 were gunning for us this year. Coach Burleson: “We’ve got some mature, experienced guys that have been with us for 2 seasons who will help us turn the corner next year. Strap in, buckle up, and hang on to your hats, cause next year is going to be a good one.”

College football is about to wrap up after the bowls. There are some good match ups. There are some unexpected match ups. Who would have thought Auburn would be playing for the National Championship after a disastrous 2012 season? There’s the Big Cats of Clemson taking on the Brown Nuts of Columbus in the Orange Bowl to answer the age old question, Is it an SEC thing or is it a Southern thing? South Carolina takes on Wisconsin in the Capital One Bowl and Georgia goes up against Nebraska in the Gator Bowl. Can the SEC take care of business?
But we’re coming to the end of the line for 2013.
In light of the fact that the premier college football prognosticator, THE College Football Wizard, is probably the most well versed in making predictions, I’m going to take a stab and make a few of my own.
BOLD (literally) Predictions:
2014 will herald a new era for college football. In another insane move to make football safer, the NCAA will institute the “jump ball” to replace kickoffs to start games. This will have a domino effect in that there will be a recruiting onslaught as coaches go after 6-8” tight ends who have a 33” vertical leap.
In the not so distant future, the NCAA will take things a step further. Contact will not be allowed. Hard shell helmets will be replaced by foam cushioned head wear, but only so that the signature school logo’s and mascots might be featured to distinguish teams. Running plays will be special times, as defensive linemen will line up, hold hands, and shout “Red Rover, Red Rover, send Gurley right over.”
Next year will be a glorious time in South Bend, as Notre Dame finally wins a National Championship…… in field hockey.
South Carolina star Defensive End Jadaveon Clowney will be drafted high in the first round and with his new found riches (and a moment of clairvoyance) will buy himself a brand new…….
Georgia Coach Mark Richt will again be on the hot seat. This time for losing 4 SEC games and 2 nonconference games to Troy and Georgia Tech, due to the fact that in order to reduce the number of off field police blotter incidents, he recruits heavily from church affiliated private schools
After the scoring assaults in which 11 games ended in infinity to infinity ties because of the constant rules changes tipping the scales towards the offense, the NCAA will change the overtime rules to reflect the current NFL method of determining winners.
With the Ohio State Buckeyes leading the way, the Big 10-ish will leave the major bowl conferences and join with the Ivy League to create an “academic” athletic association after they are again humiliated by SEC teams. Urban Meyer will become a legend in Columbus by smashing foes such as Yale and Princeton as he reels off 156 consecutive wins and 12 Academic Athletics National Championships.
Johnny “Football” Manziel will be drafted in the first round of the NFL draft, sign a contract with a huge signing bonus, and have a stellar career as a backup to New York Jets quarterbacks Geno Smith and Mark Sanchez.
The Tennessee Volunteers’ Pride of the Southland marching band woodwind section will be rushed to the emergency room at a Knoxville hospital after halftime of a non-conference game against mighty Georgia State which saw the band play Rocky Top a record 138 straight times as the Vols squeaked out a victory over the Panthers by a 7-6 score.
Harvey Updike, the notorious Toomer Tree Killer, will be found dead 2 months after Auburn defeated Alabama in the 2013 Iron Bowl. Coroner’s findings will reveal a self inflicted overdose of RoundUp.
After another mediocre season, the Southern Cal Trojans will self-impose sanctions, including a record 3 year TV ban, in an attempt to deflect criticism from grumbling alumni and give new coach Steve Sarkisian time to rejuvenate the beleaguered Trojans after the futile Lane Kiffin years.
Well, that’s it for this season folks. Hope you all enjoyed things as much as I did. I look forward to next year and another season of Telfair, Georgia, Georgia Southern, and Georgia Tech football.
And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.
Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth


Monday December 30

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Fort Worth (Home of Chuck Norris) Texas
Middle Tennessee State and Navy
Did I mention that Chuck Norris lives in Fort Worth?
(Yeah “THAT” Chuck Norris…)

That being said I want to provide you with two important Chuck Norris “facts”

1. At Burger King only Chuck Norris can have it his way….

2. Chuck Norris doesn’t shoot guns, he just thinks of a bullet and it fires itself…

(You’re Welcome)

GO NAVY 28-24

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
Nashville (Music City) Tennessee
Ole Miss and Georgia Tech
Due to the failing economy and the plunging housing market….
The sponsors of this bowl game actually considered renaming it the….
“Foreclosure on Your House Because It Sucks to Be You Bowl”
(They kept the original bowl name because they thought the above sounded tacky)
REBELS 24-17

Valero Alamo Bowl
San Antonio Texas
Oregon and Texas
Two things for me here…….
Each and every morning the first thing I do is….
“Remember the Alamo”
(It’s how I roll….)
“IF” The Oregon Ducks were playing Iran I would pull for Iran….
Enough said…

National University Holiday Bowl
San Diego California
Arizona State and Texas Tech
Let me ask you a question…..
If National University was so “Hot” then why aren’t they in a Bowl game?
Because they suck, that’s why….

The Democratic National Committee Obama Bowl
Played in Seattle’s Century Link Stadium, home of the NFL Seahawks….

This All Star game features opponents from opposite sides of the political spectrum.

The “Red” team will be coached by pundits Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly, while the “Blue” team will be led by famous left leaning advocates Donna Brazile and Rachel Maddow. Cheerleaders from the Blues will consist of members of PETA and ACORN and, as a specially selected guest sponsor, will be led by Nancy Pelosi.

On any type of Red scoring plays, the Blue team will blame previous head coach George Bush, attempt to rally the fans in their favor by convincing them that the Reds really didn’t earn their score, and finally, in the event of a disastrous outcome, will deny any knowledge of even participating in the game.

Teams will debate the merits of each play and it is expected that the Reds will filibuster after all blue first downs and scoring plays. Bring a lunch. This one could go on all night

Tuesday December 31

The Spotted Dick Bowl
Terre Haute Indiana


EDITORS NOTE: Get your minds out the gutter it’s an English Sponge Pudding….
You should all be ashamed of yourselves….

EDITORS NOTE II: But it’s funny though isn’t it?

EDITORS NOTE III: I was laughing so hard I forgot who was playing….

AdvoCare V100 Bowl
Shreveport Louisiana
Arizona and Boston College
I liked this game a lot better when it was sponsored by Weed Eater
(I have no idea what the hell a AdvoCare V100 actually is….)

Hyundai Sun Bowl
El Paso Texas
Virginia Tech and UCLA
I have nothing against the fine people at Hyundai…..
I just think it’s wrong that a Korean Car Company sponsors a Bowl game in Texas….
That’s almost sacrilegious

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Memphis Tennessee
Rice and Mississippi State
Have you seen the neighborhoods around the Liberty Bowl?
(Emphasis on “Hood” here)
They should have named this game….
“We are Jacking Your Ride While You’re Enjoying The Game Bowl”
(I know….The Truth Hurts)

Chick-fil-A Bowl
Atlanta, Georgia
Duke and Texas A&M
If you have never enjoyed the wonderful food at Chick-fil-A…
Then you don’t know what you are missing….
(The thought of that delicious chicken made me lose my train of thought)

The Dell Computer Millimeter Bowl
Silicon Valley California
This game pits two juggernauts of the premier Technical Institutes of the country together in a game of the “mill”inneum. Plays are drawn up on the sideline with precision computers calculating everything from estimated distance and elapsed time of each play to the risk factors associated with each spectacular speculative sprint draw.

And as an added bonus, this years contest will have an international flavor as the Massachusetts Institute of Technology will be taking on THE University of Oxford from the United Kingdom. And, if that weren’t enough, the halftime entertainment will combine both teams’ bands in a musical tribute to synthesizers as they play some of the greatest electronic hits of the past including The Clash’s immortal hit “Rock the Casbah” and the classic Lipps, Inc hit “Funkytown”.

In the words of legendary sportscaster Verne Lundquist, a throaty “WOW”

Wednesday January 1st 2014 Gator Bowl
Jacksonville, Florida
Nebraska and Georgia
I have on good authority……
That the Internal Revenue Service plans on auditing each and every viewer of this game..

Heart of Dallas Bowl
Dallas Texas
UNLV and North Texas
For those of you that have written me concerning a “slight” oversight in Dallas…
My statue on Dallas’s West Side has been delayed due to “funding issues”
(I’m not mad…..)

Outback Bowl
Tampa Florida
Iowa and LSU
People in Iowa are heard to say…..
“Is this heaven? No it’s Iowa…”
Those are people that have never been to the Bayous of Louisiana

Capital One Bowl
Orlando Florida
Wisconsin and South Carolina
Have you seen the Wisconsin Badger “mascot”?
That damn thing is creepy as hell….
It looks like a cross between a pedophile and a kid’s party clown….

Rose Bowl Presented by Vizio
Pasadena California
Stanford and Michigan State
This the 100th Rose Bowl Game, believe that?
The Granddaddy of them all…..
Seriously, I don’t care…

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl
Glendale Arizona
Central Florida and Baylor
In the event you enjoy college football with defenses that are equal to the offenses…
Then this game will be offensively offensive to you
DA BEARS 94-91

Amish Yoder Canned Meat and Cheese Bowl
Lancaster Pennsylvania
Mississippi Institute of Technology (MIT) and Rhode Island Institute of Technology
This game in the heart of Amish Country will be played early in the morning verses at night because the fine people there feel that “electricity” is from the Devil.
Also, it will not be televised due to ESPN’s inability to effectively “hook up” to the Amish milking machines to transmit the telecast.

Thursday January 2nd 2014

Allstate Sugar Bowl
New Orleans
Oklahoma and Alabama
I have some bad news for my Sooner Faithful….
The Tide is Rolling in Early this year
Believe it

Friday January 3rd 2014

AT&T Cotton Bowl
Arlington Texas
Oklahoma State and Missouri
(Please see Tostitos Fiesta Bowl above for this games description)

Discover Orange Bowl
Miami Florida
Clemson and Ohio State
I would pick the Buckeyes in this game…..
But frankly they have no idea how many teams are in the “Big Ten”
Not to even mention…..
Some of the Best people I know are Tiger fans….

Saturday January 4th 2014

BBVA Compass Bowl
Birmingham Alabama
Vanderbilt and Houston
The Iron City
Legion Field
Birmingham Alabama…..
“The Football Capital of the South”…..
I have so many wonderful memories of that grand old stadium…

Sunday January 5th 2014

GoDaddy Bowl
Mobile, Alabama
Arkansas State and Ball State
What I wouldn’t give to be at the Flora-Bama Lounge watching this game….
I am a legend in my own mind there didn’t you know….

Armour Potted Meat Bowl
Scrap Meat, Michigan
Kentucky Wildcats and The Daphne Alabama Pop Warner Trojans
In an unprecedented event….
The University of Kentucky Wildcats will be given another opportunity to play in yet another bowl game this season after losing to “themselves” last week.
Sadly this contest will prove more embarrassing than last week’s debacle

Monday January 6th 2014

Vizio BCS National Championship Game
Pasadena California
Auburn and Florida State
This one is it……..
Although I believe the Seminoles will ultimately win the game….
I am going with my Home State….
(Don’t judge me…)

I hope you all have a Health Happy New Year……

Stay tuned my friends there is more to come

God Bless you all



Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments are closed.