Hootie’s Christmas…

December 17, 2013

Hey Yawl!

It’s Hootie Snitch the Number One Tennessee Vol Fan on the Planet!

I have been a asked to write another Christmas porem like I done last year

It’s been some purty bad times up here in these hills and hollers.

Peoples aint got jobs.

Peoples gotta do that new insurence thang with something called Ebonicscare.

And some folks is gonna have a hard time for Chrismas shoppin cause the Walmart burned up over in Baineberry.

You Gotta drive clear over to Newport now just ta git some warshin powder or boxer shorts.

And I won’t even hardly talk about the greatest football team in the world, my Tennsee Volinteers. I don’t know what in the world is goin on over there at Naylor’s Stadium since our greatest football coach that ever walked the planit, Coach Phil Fulmer, left.

Well, I thought it would be bad for us Snitchs too but you won’t believe the Chismas meericle that happened to me an my wife Thelma.

It was so cool I wrote some poertry about it. So get a lookie at this.

Twas the week afore Chrismas, and up in these hills,

All the folks was a grumbling, they aint havin no thrills.

Been workin at Dempsey’s, for three or four years,

But tha recyclin’ dried up, yeah, it left me in tears.

I worked for a spell, with the county you know,

But I messed up their water, said I had to go.

See sumpen got stuck, so I gave it a kick,

Well, next thing I knowed, half the town done got sick.

Well that’s not tha end of my troubles oh no,

Down in Knoxvull, the Vols give my story more woe.

We beat Spurriers Chickens!!! We’d turned it around!!!

But we got killed in 3 straight afore Vandy came to town.

The dang ‘Dores went and beat us, and then Thelma starts ailin,

Ingrown toenails and gout, change in life had her wailin.

It’d be 90 degrees, had the ceiling fan spinnin’

Then she’d holler and fuss, man there wudn’t no winnin.

One minit she’s nice, sweets wont melt in her mouth,

Then she’d sprout out the fangs, everthang just went south.

So, I’m down at the store, at the pump getting gas,

When up ran ole Skeeter, man that boy is fast!!!

He asked me some questions, bout my trucks 4 wheel drive,

Said he needed some help, out at his double-wide.

I said well I reckon, aint got nothing to do,

But I’m needin some money, caint even buy chew.

I shoulda knowed Skeeter, was up to no good,

Cause he lies like dog, and I knew that he would..

Drove up ta his trailer house, out in the sticks

He thought it was purty, said it drew tha chicks.

Got outta tha truck and went round to tha back,

Saw some ole boys, standing out at a shack.

There was Bubba and Buckshot and Weasel and Zee

And Scooter and Shorty was was eye ballin’ me.

Said they had a job, that they want me to do

Take some boxes to Tilley’s, had to be there by two.

Asked em why in the hell, couldn’t they make the trip?

And Ole Scooter yelled out, that his car had a drip.

Ole Buckshot caint drive, lost his liesense in June

Dadgum Bubba was drunk as a skunk and howlin’ at tha moon.

So I said yeah okay, load my truck make it quick

Them dang boxes was heavy, like loaded with brick.

Tha bed a that truck was down to tha tires

Tha axels was bendin could see tail light wires.

Didn’t know what ah’s haulin, but its sloshin and clinkin

Ahs getting real nervous and my eyeballs was blinkin

When what caught my eye when it did appear,

Was a Baineberry cop, what it looked like from here.

Well, knowin ole Skeeter and them boys on that hill,

I figured what ahs haulin would land me in jail.

So I hit the gas, made them rocks start to scatter

I got his attention, he wondered whats the matter.

He hit his blue lights and his siren as well,

He was catchin up fast and got right on my tail

I took me a left, down ole Boney’s dirt road,

Then I took me a right, all most lost my load.

I lost him at Juney’s when I cut through his pasture,

Think he crashed in a ditch but that didn’t matter.

I pulled into Tilley’s, I was scareder than hell

Jumped outta tha truck and I rang the bell.

Tilley came to tha door, she’s tha biggest in town

Just another inch taller and she would be round.

I unloaded that truck, did it quick as a wink

Cause I knowed that po-lice was a raisin a stink.

Now ole Tilley was happy as a dog with two tails,

Said you got here early!!! You on time like tha bells!!!

She waddled inside, and she picked up a rag,

Then she went to tha counter and she grabbed her a bag.

She came up to me, smilin her toothy grin

Said got something for ya, can ya drive once agin?

I took hold of that bag and I ran for my ride,

Jumped hind tha wheel, said no way, much abliged.

Ahs headin for home, felt tha blood in my cheeks

Wondered whats in tha bag, man ah just had ta peak.

I couldn’t believe it, almost ran in a ditch,

A bag full of money, from that ugly ole witch.

I was headed on home, movin fast as a missile

I was happy as hell, and ah started ta whistle,

Yeah ah broke tha law and that wudn’t right,

But I’m gonna have Christmas, celabratin tonight.

So up here in Baineberry, I’m makin this call,

From me and Miss Thelma, Merry Christmas to all!!!!

Hootie – Out!

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