Meet the CFB Wizard

July 22, 2013
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

Before the 2013 College Football Season begins…..

I want to take this opportunity to introduce you all to the incredible CFB Wizard Staff

Throughout the year I receive literally thousands and thousands of emails and letters asking about the staff and crew that put the CFB Wizard together each college football season.

As you might imagine, the CFB Wizard has become a sensation among College Football fans World Wide, and with that popularity has come expansion in not only facilities, but in the CFB Wizard staff as well.

It’s not easy running the “machine” known as the CFB Wizard and frankly I couldn’t do it without the magnificent staff and crew that I have assembled here from the finest corners of the country.

So before we launch into the 2013 College Football Season….

I want to take this opportunity to introduce you all to my magnificent key staff and crew that keep the CFB Wizard “operation” moving throughout the year and let them say a few words to you all; the fans.
As most of you know by now the CFB Wizard’s Headquarters are located in a “semi-secret” location known only to the staff and crew, as threats from the NCAA, Wynonna Judd and the Animal Husbandry Department at Auburn University have forced the CFB Wizard into semi-secrecy.

But that aside

Our new facilities, as you will see below, are a hallmark to modern technology and innovation with over a hundred thousand square feet of office space, computer servers, various college football researchers, clerical staff and home to thousands and thousands of resources in the CFB Wizard database.

CFB HQ

The first person you will meet when you enter the large and ornate CFB Wizard Headquarters is our receptionist the always affable and congenial Miss Lola Hufferdunk.

CFB Reception

Miss Lola as we like to refer to her here at the CFB Wizard is a huge Ole Miss Rebel fan and was the 1990 Mississippi Beer Can Chewing Champion. Miss Lola carries a claw hammer in her purse, refuses to pronounce the letter “R” and will occasionally (For no apparent reason) shout out “I Smell Baloney Frying!” That aside Miss Lola insisted we use one of her latest “glamour” shots for this segment, and I introduce Miss Lola to you here now….

“Hi, I’m Miss Lola…I am known for my winning smile and my ability to answe the phones and make visitos and guests feel at home he at the CFB Wizad. I am single and looking for a good man”

EDITORS NOTE: Thank you Miss Lola…

No organization of this magnitude is complete without an Equal Employment Opportunity (EEO) Compliance professional, because here at the CFB Wizard, “Diversity” is our middle name.
I would like to take this time to introduce to you the CFB Wizard’s own EEO Compliance Professional Mr. Clarence “The Big Man” Abraham Jackson who played for seven long years for legendary Florida State Seminole Coach Bobby Bowden and to date is only 124 credit hours away from his undergraduate degree in hotel and restaurant management.

Staff Pic 2

“This is some straight-up Bull*&^%, I’m the only black person that works here! I don’t even know why the hell they hired me for this job, I was doing just fine on the Mid-South Wrestling Circuit before I hurts my knee! I’m going to call Jesse Jackson over this Bull*&^% and that damn China kid that works here gives me the creeps! ”

EDITORS NOTE: I hate to cut you off Clarence….

But we have other key staff to introduce. That Clarence is such a joker; he really does love working here

Honest…

The young man “large and in charge” of the CFB Wizard logistics and catering is none other than twelve year old Asian sensation and boy genius “Lin Wing Tang” formally of Beijing China by way of southern California.

Staff Pic 5

“My name is Ling Wing Tang, here all call me “Tang Wang”; me not know why. Nickname yes? My job is food, yes. I make sure no flea collar in Moo Goo Gai Pan when big event come here. I tell you joke now; Me Chinese Me like Joke I put pee pee in your coke”

EDITORS NOTE: I have a funny antidote on Tang Wang for you all

Other than keeping his favorite orange powdered drink mix in his pants, when this young boy genius came to the CFB Wizard Headquarters, he actually thought we were hiring him to harvest his organs.

And in case anyone was wondering Tang Wang is an Oregon Ducks Fan….

Certainly no organization would be complete without someone in charge of Research and Development.
Our very own Mr. Ralph “Hubble” Fonstein does just that.

Staff Pic 3

Ralph comes to us from the University of New Mexico, “Go Lobos!” as he says way too often during the college football season, and he enjoys going to “Candy Land” conventions and boasts the largest collection of “Candy Land” board game memorabilia in North America.

Take it away Ralph….

“I don’t like my nickname…”Hubble” as in THE Hubble telescope. Just because I wear glasses, I don’t think it’s funny, not at all.”

EDITORS NOTE: That’s enough four eyes, let’s move on….

The magnificent CFB Wizard Headquarters would not be the immaculate building that it is without the custodial care and nurturing by our very own custodial engineer Mr. Doug Littleton who we affectionately refer to around here as “Fart Blossom”.

Staff Pic 4

Doug is a graduate of the University of Tennessee with a Bachelor’s degree in Education and a Master’s in Degree in Hygiene. You can always spot Doug working at the CFB Wizard Headquarters in his “Big Orange” game day ensemble. Doug and his wife Earline are expecting their first child this fall and they couldn’t be more excited, or as Earline likes to boast “I’m a drinking for two now!”
I present Mr. Doug Littleton…..

“I just got me a couple of things to say….One: I was arrested twice in the parking lot last year a wearing my Orange clothes for Tennessee game day cause they said I looked like an escaped prisoner from the county lock-up and I ain’t sure but I think that damn Asian kid called the law on me. Two: Just cause I had me a week or two of some intestinal issues ain’t no reason to be a calling me fart blossom.”

EDITORS NOTE: Regardless of what Mister Fart Blossom says, we actually evacuated the building on three separate occasions and had to have the upholstery redone in the conference room due to his as yet to be identified “intestinal issues”

The day to day Operations here at the CFB Wizard are hectic and often times chaotic. One needs a steady hand and cool head to manage the staff and to keep the operation running at full steam.

The Operations Manager is none other than “Big” Jack Squat by way of Norman Oklahoma

Staff Pic 7

Jack is one of the biggest Oklahoma Sooner fans on the planet by weighing in at just under 600 pounds

He greets the employees here with a loud “Boomer Sooner!” every morning and is responsible for keeping this CFB Wizard machine purring like a kitten.

Without further ado I give you “Big” Jack Squat…..

“I found that thing in the picture in my belly button; I think it’s what’s left of my remote control”

EDITORS NOTE: Jack is a man of few words….

Nothing today runs without “Technology” and the CFB Wizard is no exception……

Out Technology guru in all things computers and the like is managed by “Mr. Tray Bowden”.

Tray has a degree in computer science and electrical engineering from Notre Dame and enjoys dressing up like the Cool Aide man on our “Casual Friday’s” here at the CFB Wizard (As seen below)

CoolAide

He put himself through college by volunteering for a series of medical tests with the United States Army
Tray enjoys “Dungeons and Dragons” and asking people to smell his hands.

I introduce you to Mr. Tray Bowden….

“My hands smell like pancakes”

EDITORS NOTE: Please forgive Tray he hasn’t been been the same since the “You know what game” with Alabama for the National Championship.

The CFB Wizard is all about “Compliance” and with that being said we have on our staff an NCAA “mascot compliance” person to insure that we here at the center of all things college football do not offend anyone or hurt anyone’s’ feelings.

Our “mascot compliance” professional is noted Native American mascot activist “Running Sparrow”

Unfortunately “Running Sparrow” refused to have his picture posted for this article for fear it would steal his soul, make crow fall from sky and as he put it “Cause Wynonna Judd to attack vehicle on way home like angry buffalo”

Ladies and gentlemen I present Running Sparrow….

“Many moons have passed since Eagle fly across prairie and owl sing to the nightingale. Snows have fallen in the night when the buffalo run to the sun and children play in the grass of the spring. The grasshopper and the mouse make dream catcher to remind and to hold dreams of….”

EDITORS NOTE: O.k. Chief I hate to interrupt you but you are going all David Carradine and Kung Fu on me and I need to stop you before you ask Wang Tang to snatch the pebble from your hand.

Last but certainly not least….

As I am sure you noticed from the pictures, the grounds of the CFB Wizard Headquarters are pristine and the two individuals responsible for the beautiful grounds are Jesus and Jorge Martinez.

Being a Christian I felt under some obligation to hire Jesus and his brother even if he does mispronounce his first name and might I say that it was a remarkable hire as they have done a miracle or two with the azalea bushes around the entryway.

Oddly enough the Martinez brothers declined to have their pictures posted on this article for reasons I can’t quite understand, primarily because I don’t speak the Spanish, if you know what I mean.

They did offer a statement for this particular segment but as I mentioned I don’t speak Spanish so I will “interpret” their statement as best I can for you the loyal readers.

“The Plate is hot”

EDITORS NOTES: Thank you gentlemen….and Cinco de Mayo to you both

Certainly there are other employees here at the CFB Wizard and they also want to thank you for being loyal readers and making the CFB Wizard website popular in not only the United States, but in forty seven other countries as well.

Your 2013 College Football Preseason Extravaganza Part I will be out soon…

So stay tuned…

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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2 Responses to Meet the CFB Wizard

  1. ed on July 22, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Damned clever of you to build a clone of your new building just south of Birmingham off I-65… Keep those federales guessing!
    I was just redirected to the comment section – apparently kaptcha doesn’t know that shit and four is eight! Just ask Clip if you don’t believe me…

  2. Matt H on August 6, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Great to see the CFB staff! Looking fwd to the new year, MEB!

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