Week One Email Questions and Answers

September 4, 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen –

It’s time for Week One College Football Email Questions and Answers


Q: Greetings Mister Wizard!

We want to cordially invite you to be the “Guest of Honor” at this year’s Turkey Testicle Festival in Beautiful Huntley Illinois! There will be a number of exciting events and it will be a great time!

Hope to see you here on November 23rd!

The Turkey Testicle Festival Committee – Huntley, Illinois

A: Thank you for the kind invitation. However I must decline…..
I have been called a turkey too many times in my life and I am too attached to my personal business to take part in such festivities as the “Guest of Honor” which I can only imagine what that entails.

Q: Hey Doctor Wizard

I got me a question that is worrying me and my family something fierce.

Here it goes, we live near St Louis Missouri and we heard something on the Television that there was a “Credible Threat” by them Arab Terrorist to blow up St. Louis. Now we heard you was some kind of Spy or something and maybe you could answer my question.

Are we in any danger?

Thanks Doctor Wizard

Jim and Martha – De Soto, Missouri

A: Jim there isn’t a terrorist in the world that would dare attack St. Louis Missouri and I will tell you why……..
The “Bad Guys” understand that if you attack New York City or Washington D.C. the U.S. military will get involved and play that little game that they like to play…..

“Knock Knock”

“Whose there?”

“Cruise Missile”

But they also know…..

If they attack St. Louis and if any damage is done to the Budweiser Plant….

Thirty Million Southern College Football and NASCAR Fans will grab their weapons arsenals and race 300,000 Bass Boats across the Atlantic Ocean to show those idiots what “real” Jihad is all about. The War would be over in about an hour after “No Bag Limit” was announced…

Q: Mister Wizard What In The Blue Hell is going On with College Football!

I turned on ESPN to watch a Big Ten or something game last Saturday and that damn Pam Ward was on there and before I could grab the damn remote control again my ears started bleeding, the dog started howling and ran for the backdoor of the house and the wife’s cat ran into the bathroom and clawed its way up the wife’s new decorative shower curtains yelling like it’s tail was caught in a rocking chair!

When I hit the hit the remote control it sent me to another college football game and I saw those damn Maryland Turtle uniforms! What the HELL does any of that mess on their uniforms have to do with Fighting Turtles? It looks like somebody just ate a pizza and threw-up all over themselves which is exactly what I did to myself when I saw those damn uniforms in HD!

I went to the bathroom to attempt to clean myself up and get the cat off the shower curtain….
But before I went to the bathroom I hit a local television station on the remote thinking I was safe…
So while I was getting the wife’s damn cat off the shower curtain…

Here is what I heard…

“Now taking the field are the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers…..”

What the Hell Mister Wizard?

Some Damn College named their team after a canker sore?

I couldn’t imagine what their damn uniforms looked like and I didn’t want to either!

So with vomit all over the front of my shirt and with the dog still howling at the backdoor and the wife’s damn cat still hanging on the shower curtain screeching like the dickens, I closed my eyes and made my way over to the coffee table to retrieve the remote control and damn near broke my little toe on the edge of the coffee table.

What the Hell has happened to our beloved college football?

Howard – North Aiken, South Carolina

A: Howard there are days I wonder that myself….

Q: Dear CFB Wizard

My family and I are big North Dakota “Fighting Sioux” Fans!
We just wanted to thank you for supporting our University and the fight against the NCAA and politically correct speech police that are trying to change our mascot and destroy our long standing traditions.

This weekend we bought a new picnic table and put it out back near the porch and watched the Mighty Fighting Sioux play, you are welcome in North Dakota Country to watch a game with us anytime.


Paul and Thelma – Minot, North Dakota

A: Thank you for your kind letter….

But I have to ask…

What in the world are you doing with a picnic table in North Dakota?

You only have two seasons there…

Winter and Fourth of July

What’s the picnic table for the rest of the year?

To judge how much snow you have according to the height of the table?

Q: Sir,

I am a producer & director for ESPN’s college football pregame and halftime shows.
As a fellow journalist, I’m sure you already know that we have to appeal to various segments of the population. We have spent numerous hours over the years with all manner of image and persona modifications for our studio hosts and personalities.

After numerous focus groups gave us invaluable input, we were able to develop Kirk Herbstreit into a loveable, yet laughably inept, prognosticator and “insider.”

Lou Holtz, although much more difficult to package, was easily reinvented to be the bumbling, yet loveable father figure to Mark May with curious yet heartwarming idiosyncrasies, such as rabid foaming at the mouth and unintelligent banter.

And finally, through exhaustive research and brain-storming, we determined that in order to have maximum appeal to non-Caucasian viewers, we needed to develop him into a cutting edge, somewhat confrontational, know-it-all to counter the Lou Holtz persona. After realizing that his rather “Steve Erkle-ish” image was a real turnoff to certain market segments, Mark May was transformed into this person. Along the way, we even developed nick names. Lou Holtz was affably given the moniker of “coach”.

There was Kirk “the Jerk” Herbstriet. And finally, after painstakingly searching hi and low for something that would portray Mark May’s “street cred”, we came up with the nick name of “May-Day.”

Mr Wizard, I come before you today, seeking advice on how to quash the rumors that our beloved “May-Day” was given this “fresh” nickname because he is, according to some anti-ESPN blogs a “disaster waiting to happen” and wouldn’t know the difference between a hash mark and a hash brown. We feel that we must fight fire with fire in order to save the reputation of a program that every college football fan has come to know and love.

Your knowledgeable and sage advice would be greatly appreciated.



A: Maybe it’s just me….

Or maybe I have come down with as un-yet identified illness

But Mark May was actually starting to make sense to me during week One of College football…

I am sure that’s the first sign of the coming Apocalypse

Q: Hey Mister Wizard!!!!

College fOootball seasons almost here just like you said it was!!!
I sure do like readin yore writin every week and shore did miss it while you and my beloved GEORGIA BULLDAWGS was off-seasonin. They had a hard time keepin some a them boys outta jail but THEY DID IT (mostly) and it’s time for kickoff.

But sir, I just got one question. I remember back in the day when I was just a young pup (get it? Bulldawg? PUP?) and I was learnin about everything out in outter space when we was learnin astronomics that we learned about all the planets that spin around the sun out there.

There was this one called Ursinanus or something like that and it’s waaaaaaaay far away out there. So, my question is, is that the same place that you was talkin about whos team is playin the College of New Jersey next Friday? And one more question. If it is, how do them folks afford to go to an away game in New Jersey if they’re from way out there at the edge of the galaxy?

Do they have some kinda deal with them space folks down in Flarda to use the Space Shuttle to go to them games? And how in the world do the college kids and other folks get back and forth? I know that was more than one question but I figured since we’re practicly kin and I send you letters all the time you’d let me get away with it.

See ya later Mister Wizard. And…


Woaf! Woaf! Woaf! Woaf!!!

Lemuel in Ludowici.

A: Welcome back Lemuel…..
We have missed your “deep insight” into college football and astronomy

Q: Dear sir,

I aint never been so mad in my life. I don’t know if you heard or not but that dang temptress and adultress, Jessica Doral, from that scalawag Bobby Petrino’s harem has gone and got herself a job at my University of South Carolina. And believe me, I am worried. You seen what she done to bring “Piggy” Petrino down and there aint no tellin what she may try to do to our head ball coach, Steve Spurrier.

So, I guess my question is, do you think them low down Hogs from out there is trying to sabatoge our coach so they can win their game with us later in the season? If they are I just think that they have sunk to a new low.
See ya’ Mister Wizard

Cooter in Cottageville

A: Thankfully Coach Steve doesn’t own a motorcycle or you may have something to worry about….

Q: Sir,

I live down here in Purvis, Missippi and although I think yore a smart and funny fella I don’t thank you been to funny attackin my University of Missippi mascot like you have.

Case you want to look it up on a map, my home town a Purvis is right off Innerstate 59 and just outside the De Soto National Forest. I want you to know there’s tons a black bears over there in them De Soto woods so it was a natural fit for the University of Missippi to go fer a black bear as a mascot. Plus, Innerstate 59 connects up with some a them other big innerstates and a whole bunch a Yankees use it ta get ta New Orleans.

Well, sometimes they’ll stop off at a gas station or motel down here. And sometimes they startin ta talkin all fancy and uppity and tellin us that their gas is better or their motels is cleaner and makin us kinda mad. So, we’ll snatch em up and take em down to them De Soto woods and let ‘em get intraduced to our University of Missippi mascots that’s roamin around in them De Soto woods. So, Mr Wizard, do you think you can maybe refigure yore opinion of are prestigious mascot ?

Jimmy – Purvis. MS

A: Jimmy…..
You lost me somewhere on Interstate 59….



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