Preseason Extravaganza Part III

August 20, 2012
By

Ladies and Gentlemen –

It’s time for the final installment of your College Football Preseason Extravaganza

(Please hold your applause and unbridled adulation until the end of the article)

We have a lot to discuss, so let’s not waste anymore time here

Enjoy…

HOOTIE’S CORNER

Hey yawl it’s the Number Damn One Tennessee Volunteer fan on the Planet!

That’s right, it’s Hootie Snitch!!
Coming to you all from the Heart of Volunteer Country right here in Baneberry Tennessee!

That CFB Wizard done give me the go ahead again this year to give you all the “Big Orange Report” on all things a happening with Coach Derek Drooly and the Number One Team in the Country the University of Tennessee Volunteers!

Hell Yeah!

But before we get to that I got some news that is a going to roll your socks up!

You Ready?

Momma done got the call we has all been a waiting on!

That’s right!

She has been invited to speak at this year’s induction ceremony at the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame and Museum, Wall of the Fallen and Gift Shop in Chattanooga Tennessee!

Now that don’t mean that she’s inducted, not yet anyway!

But that’s only a hop skip and a jump until she is in the Hall of Fame!
Yes Sir, we is all as excited as a dog with a new bone!

Since we only got another week until the big ceremony….

Momma went and got her hair did and had them glamour shots taken at the Baneberry K-Mart for the International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame “program”

I am telling you the truth they must have used about thirty dollars worth of aluminum foil on that background for that picture! But nothing is too good for my momma!

Plan your vacation to come and see my momma talk, it’s all right here

http://www.internationaltowingmuseum.org/

Alright now let’s talk about the Number One Football team in the Country!

The University of Tennessee Volunteers!

I am a going to look into my Orange Crystal Ball and tell you all how this season is going to go

We only got three games out of the State of Tennessee!

That’s right three! Just like Dale Earnhardt’s number!

Now if that ain’t a good luck sign from above then I don’t know what is!

The Mighty Vol’s start out with the North Carolina State on August 31st in the Georgia Dome where we will be playing in the SEC Championship Game in December!

You better damn well believe that!

We will take it easy on them boys…..So’s I predict the score will be…
Tennessee 63 and the Wolves of North Carolina 3

Then we got Georgia State coming to Knoxville on September 8th….

We is going to “Rocky their Top” if you know what I mean!

The score in that one will be something like Big Orange 141 to a big ole goose egg for them grit eaters from Georgia

September 15th we got them lying cheating ass gators from Florida coming to Rocky Top and we are going to make us some shoes and belt out of them gator hides before it’s all said and done.

You better damn well believe it too!

Final score will be Tennessee 38 and Florida Cry Babies 10

The next week on September 22nd we got Akron coming to Knoxville
I heard that Akron is the “Tire Capital” of the Country…
Well this is where the rubber meets the road butt horns!

Final Score…. Volunteers 123 and Akron Butt Weasels ZERO!

Now it’s going to get interesting…

On September 29th the Big Orange Machine travels to Athens Georgia to take on them Bulldogs!

I bet the game will be delayed by half an hour because them Georgia boys will be too scared to go on the field with them Volunteers! Hell Yeah! You a heard it here first!
Well it ain’t going to matter cause the final score will be….

VOLS 53 and the Georgia whipped pups 3

Our boys get the next week off…
As Coach Drooly and his staff prepare for the Big Orange Championship run!

So on October 13th the Big Orange goes to Starkville Mississippi to take on them other Bulldogs

And guess what?

Another Ass Whipping!

VOLS 69 and the Mississippi State pound puppies NOTHING!

Next on the menu is October 20th “The Third Saturday in October” ….
And that means one thing…

Them damn Alabama Crimson Tides are rolling into Rocky Top

Well we got us a surprise for them this year!

You want to know what it is?

It’s a damn Volunteer ass whipping!

Final Score! Tennessee Volunteers 43 the Alabama Crimson Tears 10

Believe it!

The very next week on October 27th the Number One Volunteers go to Columbia South Carolina to take on them Roosters and Steve “And My Gay Visor” Spurrier!

I bet he is a sweating right now just a thinking about that Big Orange Ass Whipping he’s got coming to him and them cock a doodle doo roosters!

Final Score! Big Orange 88 and the South Carolina plucked chickens 7

The next week on November 3rd (Which is my Momma’s Birthday!) them Troy Alabama people come to Knoxville. I guess them Alabama people is gluttons for some punishment cause they going to get an ass beating worse than the one we gave them Crimson Tears!

Final score will be VOLS 151 and the whatever in the hell they call themselves..NOT A DAMN THING!

On November 10th we got them Tigers from Missouri coming to Knoxville for their first ever SEC Ass Whipping

Before this one is over them folks from Missouri won’t know whether to crap or wind their watch!

SCORE! BIG ORANGE 83 Missouri Kitty Cats 3

The next week on November 17th we go to Music City to play the Vanderbilt commodes!

I can’t wait to go to the Hank Williams Sr. Museum!
They got some ash trays that are out of this world cool!

Final SCORE! VOLS 98 and the flushing commodes NADA a DAMN THING!

Then it’s revenge time in Knoxville!

November 24th them Blue Cats from Kentucky are coming to town.

Just so’s you know we ain’t forgot how you cheated your ass off last year to win that game!

SCORE! TENNESSEE VOLS 177 and them cheaten Blue Cats a big fat NOTHING

That’s it cry all the way back to Lexington!

The Tennessee Volunteers will play somebody in the SEC Championship game and win and then play the Southern California Lame Ass Trojans for the National Championship!

And guess what?

Final Score will be The National Damn Championship and Number One Tennessee Big Orange Volunteers 77 to Lame Ass Trojans 6!!!!!!

More later I’m so excited I’m a fixing to start a celebrating that championship right damn now!

Hootie – Out!

EDITORS NOTE: Well, that was interesting…

I am considering changing the name of this section to….
“The Delusional Ramblings of a Tennessee Volunteer Fan by James “Hootie” Snitch”

CFB WIZARD EMAIL QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: Dear Sir,

My name is Betty Sue Langdale and I am a prominent member of the Cow Creek Primitive Baptist Church down here in Mayday, Georgia. You might not know where that is but if you go about 8 or 9 miles south of Stockton, Ga. on Highway 129 you’ll see a little marker on the side of the road announcing our presence. And, you might be curious to know that we are NOT to be confused with Southern Baptists. I think the primary difference is that we adhere to strict interpretation of the Good Book and Southern Baptists don’t, so they are doomed to eternal damnation in the fiery furnace of Satan.

But, anyway, the reason I’m writing this letter is because I am appalled at your endorsement of the SMU football team. I don’t think its right for those Methodists to have a football team.

I mean, I could see badminton or softball cause we do that out in the pasture behind the church all the time. But, I think it’s kinda like advertising on nation wide TV for them to do that and therefore think they’re going to suffer the same fate as those Southern Baptists.

But the thing that burns me up most of all is that they got caught doing all those evil things a few years back and the NC of AA gave them the DEATH penalty!!! I mean, those Methodists must have nine lives like a cat or something if they could get put to death and then come back and still play football.

Now there’s only one person that ever lived that rose up after something like that and I ain’t going to mention his name, but, do you think those Methodists is getting, like, preferential treatment from you know who? And if they are, do you think that maybe I need to switch to being a Methodist? If you could shed some light on this I would be “eternally” grateful, Mr Wizard.

Yours Truly
Betty Sue Langdale.

A: Betty the good news is that none of the Methodists on the SMU football team have been caught dancing, which would certainly put them on the expressway to eternal damnation.

But to answer your question Betty….

There are three eternal truths about religion that I think we can all agree upon.

1. Jewish people do not recognize Jesus as the messiah
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as a deity
3. And Baptists don’t recognize each other in Hooter’s or in the Liquor Store

Q: Dear Sir,

As everyone is well aware, I was involved in an unfortunate incident with a coworker in Fayetteville, Arkansas a few months ago and consequently lost my job.

I’m sure everyone also saw the totally credible, soul baring, tell all video I made with an ESPN reporter. I’d like to point out that I was very comfortable during the entire interview and after reviewing the tape of my interview with my agent, I’m sure you’ll agree that when college presidents and athletic directors see this segment they will come to the inevitable conclusion that I’m a rehabilitated, sensitive, honest, forthright, up front guy, who deserves another chance to lead impressionable young men on the football field.

Yes, there was that incident when I tried to back stab Tommy Tuberville at Auburn, and I’ll admit leaving Atlanta in the middle of a season to take the reins at Arkansas may be construed by some as somewhat unseemly, but, darn it, I’m a changed man!!!

So, the reason I’m writing this is that, sir, you have lots of sway down here in the South. I just thought that if I could ask you to give me a positive endorsement on your website that I could go probably get a job at, say, Tennessee when they finally realize that he’s not going to do anything, or maybe Ole Miss, cause, hey, they aint got nothing and are going nowhere fast.

Heck, I’ll even go to Durham and see what I can do at Duke!!! I have been touted as a miracle worker, you know. So, what do you say, Mr Wizard? Could you give your old pal Bobby a thumbs up?
Thanks,
Bobby Petrino
Head Coach (Formerly)
University of Arkansas

A: Coach Bobby you have all the social graces of a flatulent hobo, see you in Knoxville next year..

Q: Dear Sir,

I am writing you in regards to Jovon Robinson, one of our Blue Chip recruits who allegedly is said to be having some academic difficulty after already being enrolled here at Auburn for almost a year. Allegedly, there is some question about his transcripts and their validity.

I can assure you, just as I assured you and others during the Cam Newton episodes, that everything is above board and transparent in this case. Although it is highly irregular, I have attached a copy of Young Jovon’s transcripts so that you and the other Alabama ilk may be shown that this episode is completely fabricated. And finally, I just want you to know, if I had a son, he’s look just like Jovon Robinson. Please cease and desist from your baseless, tainted, biased attacks.

Please “click” on the image if you need to enlarge for your viewing audience and this should prove my point

Sincerely
Gene Chizik
Head Football Coach
Auburn University

A: Who is your Athletic Academic Advisor at Auburn, Phil Fulmer?

LEGENDS OF THE FALL

Each year we lose another “Legend of the Fall”

The college football icons….

The Giants that walked amongst us mere mortals

But like all mortals they too pass on….

But they left us with memories that will last for generations

I have included but a few of those giants here, because it’s important that we don’t forget them

They are Legends and always will be

The University of Texas

Coach Darrell Royal

The great University of Texas Coach Darrell Royal hasn’t left us in body, but sadly he suffers from dementia and cannot remember his greatest victories or the tremendous impact he has made on the young men that he coached and mentored.

It breaks my heart to see Coach Royal this way, but that’s not how I remember him
He will forever be the greatest coach to ever walk the Longhorn sidelines

West Virginia Mountaineers

Coach Bill Stewart

This past year 59 year old former Mountaineer Coach Bill Stewart passed away….

The Native West Virginian and long time Mountaineer assistant Coach Bill Stewart took over the West Virginia football program after the sudden departure of Coach Rich Rod for Michigan.

People seem to forget, even some Mountaineer fans that the program was in disarray when Rich Rod left his university in the lurch and Coach Stewart stepped in the gap and brought the team together.

He was a fiercely proud West Virginian who loved the Mountaineers

He put his heart and soul into that program

He was a winner and those players loved him

You can’t ask more of a man or a coach than that

The University of Alabama

Coach Clem Gryska…..

Coach Gryska was a former Crimson Tide player in from 1945 to 1948; he was an assistant coach, recruiter and administrator for Coach Bryant.

He work for 32 years at the University of Alabama under four football coaches including Coach Bryant
Coach Gryska then served 18 years as an administrator and unofficial “legend in residence” at the Paul W. Bryant Museum. He retired two years ago, just short of 50 years of consecutive service to Alabama.

He was the son of Polish immigrants, and was a native of Steubenville, Ohio.

He was a blocking back at Alabama and played as a freshman on the Crimson Tide’s undefeated 1945 team, which won the Southeastern Conference championship and defeated Southern California 34-14 in the Rose Bowl.

Gryska, a teammate of All-America halfback Harry Gilmer, moved to end under Drew and was a member of the Tide’s 8-3 Sugar Bowl team in 1947.

After graduating, Gryska served as an assistant coach at Huntsville High School and Emma Sansom High School before returning to Huntsville high in 1954 as head coach.

In 1960, he returned to Alabama as Bryant’s recruiting coordinator. Gryska continued in recruiting and administrative roles under Alabama coaches Ray Perkins, Bill Curry and Gene Stallings before joining the museum staff in 1993.

“Being part of Alabama football has been the greatest thing that ever happened to me,” Gryska said in a news release issued by the Bryant Museum shortly before his retirement. “My family, my wife and children and grandchildren have all enjoyed it, too, thinking that I was a part of it.”

And on a personal side note….I will forever miss the kindness and compassion of Coach Gryska

He was a man’s man….

The University of Alabama

Billy Neighbors, one of the University of Alabama’s all-time football greats and the patriarch of Huntsville’s first family of football passed away this year at the age of 72.

He was the anchor on both the offensive and defensive lines for Alabama’s 1961 national championship team, the first title won by coach Paul “Bear” Bryant, and was later named to Alabama’s All-Century team.

Neighbors, a unanimous All-American his senior year at Alabama, was enshrined in the College Football Hall of Fame in 2004. He was also inducted into the Alabama Sports Hall of Fame in 1983 and was in the inaugural class of the Huntsville-Madison County Athletic Hall of Fame in 1989.

He is survived by Susan, his wife of almost 50 years; daughter Claire; sons Wes and Keith; and eight grandchildren, Wesley, Connor, Anna Lakin, Jackson, Willa, Billy, Hayden and Lawson.

The Neighbors have had three generations play football for the University of Alabama.

Billy Neighbors began his career there in 1958 on Bryant’s first team. Wes played there from 1983 through 1986. Keith joined the Tide in 1988 and was on the 1992 national championship team.
Grandson Wesley also won a national title as part of the 2009 Alabama team and was a student assistant for last year’s squad after injuries derailed his team. His younger brother Connor plays for LSU.

Billy Neighbors’ brother Sidney Jr. preceded him on the Alabama team.

“Billy was one of my closest friends,” said Mal Moore, Alabama’s director of athletics and one of Neighbors’ former teammates. “He was certainly a great Alabama man and a great player for Alabama at a time in history when we needed a great player and great leader. He will always be remembered.”

Born in Taylorsville, just outside Tuscaloosa, Neighbors would later recall as a youngster how he frequently rode his bicycle past the house of Alabama great Harry Gilmer. He would also sell soft drinks at Denny Stadium.

On the occasion of his enshrinement in the College Football Hall of Fame, Neighbors talked with former Times sports editor John Pruett about the 1961 team, calling it “one of the best football teams there ever was.”
The 1961 Alabama team shut out six opponents and allowed only three touchdowns en route to an 11-0 season.

Many consider it the best defensive team in college football history, though last fall in an interview with The Times, even Neighbors argued that the 2011 Alabama team had what “may be the best defense to ever play college football.”

After completing his career at Alabama, Neighbors was drafted in the sixth round of the American Football League draft by the Boston Patriots and the fourth round by the Washington Redskins of the NFL, when the two leagues were bitter rivals. He opted to sign with Boston for $27,000 and spent four years with the Patriots and four more with the Miami Dolphins. Twice he was named All-Pro.

He began making his off-season home in Huntsville since it is the hometown of his wife, the former Susan Kinzer, to whom he was introduced at Alabama by teammate Benny Nelson, who remained a lifelong friend.
“Billy Neighbors was a self-made person,” said former teammate Bill “Brother” Oliver. “He lost his father extremely early. He had brothers that were good football players, but Billy was different. He was just self-made. He could see something, and he had enough insight of what needed to be done to be great.

“He was bound and determined to be something special. He became very special in the eyes of everybody.”

There will never, ever be another Billy Neighbors

The University of Alabama

Coach Lawrence “Dude” Hennessey, best known for his time as an Alabama assistant under
Paul “Bear” Bryant, died at his home after coping with Alzheimer’s disease in recent years.
He was 81.

Hennessey’s wife, Carole Hennessey, answered the family phone Wednesday morning and said her house was filled with people celebrating her late husband’s life.

“I’ve got a house full of folks,” she said. “It’s the most hectic thing I’ve experienced. It’s been a long goodbye. He will be terribly missed. He has not been with us for a quite a while except in body.”

Once word of Hennessey’s passing reached Alabama fans, a YouTube video began circulating that showed Hennessey full of life and laughter, telling stories about his Bryant days along with Alabama athletic director Mal Moore.

“I was deeply saddened this morning to learn of the passing of Dude Hennessey,” Moore said in a statement. “Dude was more than just a fellow coach and administrator to me. He was a great friend in the truest sense. Dude means so much too so many of us, and we are devastated he is no longer with us. He not only was a great friend, but was a fine man and an excellent representative of the university and our football program.”

Hennessey first played for Bryant at Kentucky. He joined Alabama as an assistant from 1960-76.

“Coach Hennessey was my coach, friend and my buddy,” said former UA assistant Jack Rutledge, who played for Hennessey and later coached alongside him. “We were like brothers.”

Rutledge said Hennessey was particularly dedicated to Bryant. Hennessey was a dynamic recruiter, and often played the role of inspirational voice when players or coaches needed a pick-me-up.

“That was kind of his role, keeping everyone happy and keeping them together,” Rutledge said.

Hennessey was credited with recruiting Ray Perkins to Alabama, and also coached Leroy Cook, John Mitchell, John Croyle, Robin Parkhouse, Creed Gilmer, Mike DuBose and Mike Ford, among many others.

Rutledge said symptoms of Hennessey’s Alzheimer’s disease began to show in recent years.

“He was a great, great storyteller,” Rutledge said. “I would see him and we would run around up until probably until three or four years ago when he started losing his memory a bit.”

Rutledge, whose mother also coped with Alzheimer’s, last saw his close friend a few months ago. He said Hennessey might not recall drinking a cup of water but could talk about the past.

“People that develop Alzheimer’s, you visit with them and talk about things he did in the past long ago,” Rutledge said. “Like when we were coaching, when Coach Bryant would get into us.”

And I would like to add just another word or too to this already lengthy section

I will always hear in my mind Coach Bryant call him “Coach Doodey”, which always made me laugh, although I tried my best not to be seen giggling at such things because I wasn’t high enough on the totem pole to be seen laughing. In fact I couldn’t even spell totem and wasn’t anywhere near the pole at the time so I had to watch myself.

But I will forever be thankful for Coach Dude; he taught so many of us how to be men, how to encourage one another and how to keep working towards a goal and how to laugh at ourselves.

God Bless you Coach Dude, I will never forget you

The University of North Alabama

George Lindsey, an Alabama native who entertained generations of TV viewers as the simple-minded but good-hearted Mayberry mechanic Goober Pyle, has passed away this past year after a brief illness.

You may be wondering why I am writing about an entertainer

It’s because George Lindsey was much more than just Goober on Andy Griffith

Born in Fairfield on Dec. 17, 1928, Mr. Lindsey grew up in Jasper, where, as a child of the Great Depression, he got the inspiration for Goober, the character who would come to define his career, while hanging out at his Aunt Ethel’s gas station.

The mechanics wore felt beanies to keep the grease out of their hair, Mr. Lindsey later recalled, and the beanie would become one of Goober’s trademarks.

At Walker County High School, Mr. Lindsey played football and basketball and discovered he had a knack for the stage while appearing in school plays.

After attending junior college and military school, Mr. Lindsey enrolled at Florence State Teachers College, as the University of North Alabama was then known, and became the starting quarterback on the football team. His favorite target was an end named Harlon Hill, who went on to star in the NFL.

“We played together two years,” Hill recalled. “He was a pretty darned good football player.”

Mr. Lindsey often joked that his favorite play was, “Harlon, go long,” Hill added.

While serving in the Air Force and stationed near Orlando, Mr. Lindsey met and married Joyanne Herbert in 1955, and following his discharge, he returned to Alabama to coach baseball and basketball and teach history at Hazel Green High School in Madison County.

“Coach” Lindsey’s Baseball and Basketball teams posted undefeated regular season records.

But after a couple of years Coach Lindsey pursued his acting dreams

The story doesn’t end here

George Lindsey was the greatest friend the Alabama Special Olympics ever had

Throughout his career he raised millions and millions and millions of dollars for the Alabama Special Olympics and there wasn’t much he wouldn’t do to make the dreams of those less fortunate come true.

In the 60’s it was nearly impossible to get celebrities and “movie stars” to a celebrity golf tournament in South Alabama without having to land in either Atlanta or Birmingham and then drive a number of hours to get to the event.

George Lindsey would “arrange” with the airline to have an “emergency landing” in either Montgomery or Huntsville Alabama to get the celebrities to the golf tournament in a more timely manner.

They don’t make actors like that anymore…..

No one will forget George, certainly not the fans of the Andy Griffith Show or the wonderful children or adults he helped through the Alabama Special Olympics.

EDITORS NOTE: This leads me to another topic

Harley had sent the below article to me following the death of Andy Griffith….

Talking about George “Goober” Lindsey here….

I think it’s a good time to print it.

Enjoy…

SOUTH GEORGIA FOOTBALL NEWS and VIEWS

Greetings from the heart of SEC country.

It’s Tuesday, July 03, 2012. I’ve sitting in my ‘computer room’ because, for me, it’s a somber time. I know by the time you will have read this, you all know that Andy Griffith passed away. It’s a sad moment for me as well as you, I’d bet. It almost feels like I lost my Granddaddy. Memories flood through my head, childhood memories mostly. But, I also think about who I am and I think about where I came from. And I think about how I got to where I am.

After some careful contemplation, I realize that I am not a self made man. Nor am I a fountain of wisdom. Rather, I am a puzzle, pieced together over time. I am a patchwork of people I looked up to, who influenced and rubbed off on me. Uncles, Aunts, friends, neighbors, parents, and others. And, believe it or not, Andy.

I’ll leave it to Dateline and CNN to rehash Andy Griffith’s career and his impact on society. But I will say this. When Hollywood tended to mock “us” and present rural Southerners as buffoons and uneducated bumpkins, the Andy Griffith Show portrayed us as we were. Laid back, easy going, and unpretentious.

But back to the point
It seems like I have always known Andy Griffith. My earliest recollections of watching television include those black and white episodes of The Andy Griffith Show. In those days down here in my part of the country, we only got one TV station with those rabbit ears on the old RCA Zenith, black and white TV. That made things easy when it came time to figure out what we were going to watch. I can’t remember what day or what time “Ange” came on, but I remember watching. And later, as I got older, I watched the reruns, and enjoyed them just as much.

I know that TV and reality are miles apart, but as I became older, I started paying attention to how Andy handled various situations. In a way, he presented a somewhat realistic version of the South, our views, attitudes, and the way we do things. I always noted that he seemed to handle most situations in a common sense, practical way. Or as best you can when you’re dealing with Barney or Goober. As a younger man, I was often brash and prone to act without thinking. With the help of my father, older friends, and, yes, Andy, I was able to temper my actions and became more moderate and thoughtful. Trying to emulate those from Hollywood is usually never a good thing. But, Andy Griffith was not just a character on a TV show. That persona exemplified how he lived his life. Upright, moral, good.

Another thing that I have come to realize with Andy Griffith is the stark contrast between that show in a much simpler time, as opposed to today’s programming. Producers continue to try to push the limits in order to “boost viewership.” Throw in a little nudity here, a curse word there, to make things “more realistic.” Although, nudity and profanity were not allowed on TV in the Sixties, the Andy Griffith Show demonstrated that you don’t have to resort to those tactics to attract a crowd, as evidenced by the popularity of his reruns. Today’s morality plays as they are displayed on popular TV programs have to deal with promiscuity, drugs, sexuality, and a litany of other topics. Andy Griffith took simple concepts like telling the truth, keeping ones word, and dealing with odd events or people and he turned them into humorous lessons in life that all ages could relate to.

As I said before, that show portrayed Southerners more accurately than any before it or after. We could all relate to Andy. We knew people around our towns and villages like Otis, Barney, Goober, Floyd, and Thelma Lou. When we laughed, we really weren’t laughing at ourselves, rather, we were laughing at situations we had often experienced in our daily lives. He was and is, McRae, Georgia, Wetumpka, Alabama, or Mayberry, North Carolina. In an interview a few years ago he said, “We want them to laugh with us, not at us. That’s why we were different than those other shows.”

Over time, Andy Griffith aged gracefully, and seldom wavered from his core goodness and values. He could be seen making guest appearances on various programs, starred in another series, “Matlock”, and even appeared in a recent Brad Paisley music video, “Waitin on a Woman,” one of my favorites.

Yes, a legend has again left us. He will always be fondly remembered and ever loved.

Until next time,

I’m Harley Hanesworth

EDITORS NOTES: Well said Harley, well said…

RAND MCNALLY CONFERENCES

For an “institution” like the NCAA that is always banging the drum about “education” it’s amusing how they view geography in the context of college football.

For example……

Texas A&M was in the Southwest Conference and then they got “Big 12” and now they are in the Southeast, confusing wouldn’t you say?

But that’s not the worst of it…..

Without the benefit of a catastrophic earthquake Utah and Colorado found themselves in the Pacific.

The Only thing “West” now about Virginia is that that are playing all their games west of the Mississippi River in the BIG 12 (less) Conference

Texas Christian University was going East Big and then decided to return to the Southwest, almost like they never left it in the first place.

The Children of the Corn in Nebraska left the “BIG 12” for the “Big Ten” and then made it Twelve which makes one wonder how difficult it is to get a math degree in that conference.

EDITORS NOTE: I know, it gives me headache thinking about it too…

PRETENDERS and CONTENDERS

PRETENDERS

NOTRE LAME: I will keep this one simple…..

The “Not So” Fighting Irish haven’t finished a college football season in the Top Ten since 1993 despite playing each of the service academies and a Beauty Hair Salon Academy and a Fertilizer College each year.

KENTUCKY: The fact that the wildcats have a Coach named “Joker” pretty much says it all

OLE MISS: The “Rebels” have a Black Bear as a mascot……

As in a “Rebel” Black Bear

Enough said….

BAYLOR: Cinderella’s lost her shoe or in this case their Heisman Trophy Quarterback and they will turn into pumpkins by the fourth game of the season.

INDIANA: Hoosier Daddy? Every other school in the Big Ten or Twelve

ILLINOIS: Please See “Indiana” Above and substitute Fighting Ilini with Hoosier

You’re Welcome

PAC 12 CONFERENCE: Ahh…Here we go again

The weakest conference in college football get’s another boost from ESPN after signing another multimillion dollar contract. We are already hearing how “Great” and “wonderful” the PAC 12 Conference has become!

It’s amazing!

Here is what I think….

When you have more than two real contenders in a conference with twelve teams, and you decide to play some REAL teams outside your conference, then let us know and maybe you won’t find yourself in the “pretender” category.

THE IVY LEAGUE: These silver spoon elitists are known more for graduating socialist and communist than they are for creating powerhouse football teams.

And another thing….

Your marching bands suck too

KANSAS: Sorry Charlie but the Jayhawks haven’t had a “real” playmaker since the Great Gale Sayers blew through the Midwest Plains. So even with all your offensive “genius” (Which most people find rather offensive) it will not make the Blue Jay’s of Hawk anything but a bottom feeder of the BIG 12 (Lite)

NORTH CAROLINA: I was told recently that I need to see the “positives” in everything

OK here goes…

The Tar Heels have a wonderful marching band…

How’s that?

DUKE: The Blue Devils are to college football what Richard Simmons is to Fitness.

MIAMI (FL): I know this is going to be harder to swallow than a Hindu eating a hamburger for the Hurricane Faithful, but the “U” won’t be in the championship hunt in the ACC or in the State of Florida either.

Sorry….

OKLAHOMA STATE: Cowboy down…..

TEXAS TECH: Let’s face facts….

When the Red Raiders Administration listened to ESPN’s Craig “Dumbass” James and fired Coach Mike Leach they haven’t recovered since and hiring Coach Tub hasn’t helped the situation, it only made it worse.

Glad I could straighten that out for you

CONTENDERS

LOUISVILLE: Coach Strong and the Cardinals will win the Big East Conference Title this year and go undefeated in the process, believe it.

ALABAMA: The defending National Champions lost a lot of players from last year’s Championship team, but still have one of the best coaching staffs in all of college football.

Their football players aren’t too bad either

LSU: Although the Mighty Tigers lost the “Marijuana Badger”, they will still be in the hunt for the National Championship and might I say one more thing…

Coach Miles could have played along with this foolishness and continued to give this player “another” chance like Phil Fulmer was known for, but he didn’t.

Those decisions are what Championship Coaches are made of…

Good on you Coach

FLORIDA: Nobody is really talking about the Mighty Gators…

So I will

Beware; the Gators are in position to be in the Southeastern Conference Championship Game

Believe it

TEXAS: Never underestimate the Mighty Longhorns, why?

Because I said so, that’s why

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Being in the weakest conference outside the Ivy League with a schedule made up of more creampuffs than Dunkin Donuts will enable the Lame Trojans to be in the Hunt for the Championship.

Also having ESPN and ABC Sports prepared to award the Heisman Trophy to their quarterback before August 1st tells me the national sports media is gearing up to push the Trojans to the championship game regardless of who they play.

OREGON: It’s bad enough we television viewers have to endure the Quacks ugly ass glow in the dark uniforms, but we also have to put up with the ridiculous excuses from the head football coach of “why” he is keeping dope smokers and thugs on his football team.

Despite all of that the reason the Quacks are in the “contender” category has to do with the very same reason the Lame Trojans are, minus the Heisman hype.

OKLAHOMA: The Mighty Sooners without a doubt will win the Big 12 (Lite) Conference Championship, but it won’t be easy. But with a little luck they may find themselves in the hunt for the National Championship

SOUTH CAROLINA: Speaking of a little luck….

Coach Steve and the Mighty Gamecocks will be in Atlanta for the SEC Championship game…

But they won’t get there undefeated…

MICHIGAN: The Wolverines are poised to win the Big Ten or Twelve Title this year…

If they can survive the months of September and October

OHIO STATE: The Buckeyes are undergoing Urban-renewal in Columbus….

And although they may not satisfy the fans expectations this year

They will most certainly make a statement, believe it

WISCONSIN: The Badgers are big and fast this year…

Couple that with a favorable schedule and you have the makings of a Championship run..

FLORIDA STATE: If the Seminoles can get by Clemson at home and Virginia Tech on the road then they will not only be in ACC Championship game come December, but they have a real shot at the National Championship this year.

CLEMSON: “If” the Tigers survive a brutal September and early October schedule they will most certainly be in the Hunt again this year for the ACC Title.

Believe it

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONS

ATLANTIC COACT CONFERENCE (ACC)

The Atlantic Division Title will be decided when the Clemson Tigers visit the Seminoles in September and the Coastal Division will be won by the Virginia Tech Fighting Turkeys.

My Guess?

The Florida State Seminoles will win the ACC Conference Title this year

BIG TEN or Twelve CONFERENCE

With the unbelievably stupid division names of “Leaders” and “Legends” I have redesigned the Divisions for you, my faithful readers, so that they will be easier to understand.

The “Chester” Division, formally known as the “leaders division” will be won hands down by the Wisconsin Badgers and the “Molester” Division once known as the “legends division” will be won by the Michigan Wolverines

The BIG (Whatever) Title this year will go to the Wisconsin Badgers….

BIG 12 (Lite) CONFERENCE

The Title belongs to the Mighty Oklahoma Sooners….

But you better keep an eye on the Texas Longhorns and the Horned Frogs of Texas Christian

BIG EAST CONFERENCE

The Stronger Louisville Cardinals will win the Big East Title with a win over Cincinnati

And yes, they will finish the season undefeated.

Remember you heard it here first

CONFERENCE USA

The Golden Eagles of Southern Miss will win the Eastern Division Title (again) this year and Houston will stumble in from the Western Division (again), but you better watch out for my Mighty Mustangs of SMU, they may be the fly in the buttermilk for both teams.

But my guess…
The Mighty Golden Eagles will win their second consecutive Conference USA Title in a row in 2012.

MAC CONFERENCE

Mac pack paddy wack give a dog a bone, I don’t care.

SUNBELT CONFERENCE

The Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky University will upset perennial favorite Troy State to win the Sunbelt Conference this year.

And you want to know something else?

They will also upset the Kentucky Wildcats in Lexington on September 15th

Believe it

MOUNTAIN WEST CONFERENCE

Once again the Boise State Broncos will win the Mountain West Conference Title

But just like I told you last year…

They will not finish the season undefeated.

PACIFIC ATHLETIC CONFERENCE (PAC 12)

The Quacks of Oregon will win the North Division and the Lame Trojans will win the South Division which interestingly enough neither team plays another team in the top thirty of college football all season until they meet on November 3rd in Los Angeles.

And you wonder why I still make fun of them?

WESTERN ATHLETIC CONFERENCE (WAC)

Nobody cares because they are Wacked

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE

Once again the Western Title holder in the Southeastern Conference will win the Conference title and have the opportunity to play for the National Championship.

And I believe that team to be the Mighty LSU Fightn’ Tigers

They will meet the South Carolina Gamecocks in Atlanta for the Conference Crown

But LSU will win it all.

But do not count out the Alabama Crimson Tide or the Georgia Bulldogs or even the Florida Gators and that’s just another reason why we love Southeastern Conference Football.

Your Week One College Football picks will be out soon so stay tuned…

(You may now release your unbridled adulation and applause)

RTR

THE CFB WIZARD

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One Response to Preseason Extravaganza Part III

  1. Christy on September 9, 2012 at 1:02 am

    I ROFL laughing about the “Pretender” section. I also have comments about Mr. Neighbors and Coach Gryska, but too long to type here…loved what you had to say. 🙂

    ROLL TIDE!!!

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