Warning Labels

March 13, 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen –

While College Football Spring practice is getting underway in some places and with little news to report from the gridiron, it’s time once again for a brief story from your favorite college football prognosticator.

As I mentioned in the last article I am going to be on injured reserve throughout spring practice due to some unexpected results from a recent routine physical.

But there is no need to worry my beloved readers, I will be just fine.

However I have undergone what can only be described as a rather “uncomfortable experience”

And that gets me to this week’s story…..

As I was leaving my favorite University of Texas alumni Doctor’s office I was given a “Pre-op kit” designed to prepare myself for the upcoming events.

The kit also came with the necessary instructions as to when to take what and when to prepare myself, so to speak. So as I was reading the instructions at the nurses’ station, while a very kind nurse explained to me what I needed to do and what the “procedure” entailed.

Then I read something on the instructions that made me laugh so hard that I am sure they thought I was having an epileptic seizure.

The Instructions said…..

“DO NOT drink the Fleet Enema. It is for rectal use only”

The nurse said to me, “We have to put that warning on there because some people drink it”

EDITORS NOTE: And to think these people are allowed to vote and reproduce.

Seriously, what part of “Enema” and or the way that bottle is shaped says “Drink me”?

Now I will be the first to tell you that my overall knowledge is rather limited despite the fact I was a Medical Doctor for five days once, but that is another story for another time.

I will admit that for years I thought “Innuendo” was the Italian word for Preparation H and that the classic motion picture “Inherit the Wind” was about a West Texas Chili cook-off, but I can honestly say that the thought never crossed my mind to drink an enema.

The fact that my favorite Doctor has to put that particular “warning” on the instructions may explain why they don’t use suppositories for their patents, I guess too many people would think they were cough drops.

I can almost hear the conversation now….

JIM: How’s that cough of yours Frank?

FRANK: Well I went down to the drug store yesterday to get me something to suppress my cough and I got me these suppositories, you know to “suppress” my cough

JIM: Is it helping your cough?

FRANK: Not really, I still got the cough but my teeth have never been shinier.

As ridiculous as this scenario sounds, we all know that it’s probably happened.

And that led me to look closely at the instructions on the side of the box containing the Fleet Enema.

First things First….

Why do they promote the “company” name as the makers of this product?

Made by “Rugby”?

As in one of the most violent, bloodiest sports on the planet?

Why would they want to promote something like that when I am getting ready to use it on my butt?

I guess I should be happy it wasn’t made by “Jousting Incorporated” and have pictures of a Knight with a big stick in his hand or worse yet it could have been produced by “Prison Enterprises”.

Like I always say, sometimes life is about counting all your little blessings.

So I started looking at the instructions on the box….

Have you ever seen the “diagrams” on the box on “How to” use that damn thing?

I was half expecting to see a Harlem Globe Trotter Version of “Over the Shoulder” and “Around the Corner” of how to use it, they already had an alternate example of a “behind the back dunk” or I would have mentioned it here.

And just as I was starting to feel like I was going to be the “Stunt Butt” in an upcoming Jailhouse Movie…

I saw the instructions that made me laugh like a lemur monkey on crack

It said….
“Maintain position until the urge to evacuate is strong”

I can only imagine how many people have pooped on themselves waiting to hear a Tornado Siren or listening to hear the good folks from the Weather Channel to say “Evacuate and take Shelter Now”.

I can almost hear it now….

FRANK: Doc that damn Fleet Enema you all gave me was defective as hell!

DOCTOR: How’s that?

FRANK: I had that damn thing stuck in me like the instructions said and I messed my bathroom up something fierce a waiting on the television to tell me to evacuate my house and head for the storm shelter.


FRANK: To tell you the truth once that stuff stared to work on me, I don’t believe I could have made it to the storm shelter without pooping on myself anyway

DOCTOR: So you did use it, right?

FRANK: I tell you Doc I am as clean as a Kroger Chicken. I believe if I ran down the road right now with my mouth open my butt would whistle. But the cleanup in my trailer house is going to take a while.

So with this theme in mind and in the interest of safety I suggested to my good Texas Doctor and his staff a few “minor” changes they may want to implement to ensure their patents don’t have any issues with the Pre-Op kit.

Instead of having instructions that state “Maintain position until the urge to evacuate is strong”

How about changing it to something that everyone will understand…

“Hold what you got until you feel like you are going to poop out of a tree like a raccoon”

I think my explanation is far more descriptive and is something everyone can understand.

And before I went under the needle….

I shared one last observation with my University of Texas Alumni, Friend and Doctor…

I knew all the words to “The Eyes of Texas” before I could walk….

I still know the words by heart

But I never for an instant thought the Eyes of Texas would be looking this far inside me.

At least I didn’t tell him “Hook Em Horns” before I went under….

That would have been totally inappropriate under the circumstances.



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