Injury Timeout

February 28, 2012

Ladies and Gentlemen

At the risk of sounding like some old person who is always talking about their ailments, I felt obligated to you (My Beloved Readers) to provide, at the least some momentary humor while we await the beginning of our College Football Spring Practice.


If you keep up with this column (And I know you do) you know that I had a routine physical examination a couple of weeks ago……

Well before I was scheduled for my first consultation for my colonoscopy also referred to here as “The Journey to the Center of the Earth”, I was told I needed to see another Doctor about the results of my blood work.

Ok, so before we move on here…

Whatever happened to everyone’s sense of humor?

And please don’t give me that story about how “Stressful” life is…..
or how “Serious” we must be in our chosen professions….

I think those statements have more baloney in it than a Ball Park Hotdog

But yet I digress…

I need to share with you my philosophy when it comes to Doctors and Lawyers and Veterinarians

I like to know my Doctors, Lawyers and Veterinarians and I interview them, yes interview them, before we enter into what I like to call a “Business Relationship”

Why, because they work for me that’s why

So here is a brief list of my criteria for a Doctor, Lawyer or Veterinarian

1.Did you do your undergraduate study at a university that had a marching band?
(Why is this important you may ask? Because if they attended a college without a college football team, then it wasn’t a “real” college)

2.Did you attend a Medical School and or Law School that had an affiliation with a University that had a marching band?
(Please see the above rationale for an explanation)

3.Are you an American citizen?
(I feel this is important because I don’t want to have someone poking around on me and or handling my financial transactions who I may have captured while “liberating” their country)

4.Will your name fit on the back of a football jersey?
(Please see the above rationale for an explanation)

So with that being said, I went to see an Oscar Myer Weiner Doctor, which I think sounds better than saying a urologist, and I didn’t know who he was because Doctor Dan’s office “made” the appointment for me.

So it was time to test the waters, so to speak

A nurse calls my name….

I walk up to the counter and she asked me…..
“If I had any questions about the results of my blood work”

So I say…

“Ya’ll didn’t find any hemoglobin’s in my blood did you?”

With a puzzled look the nurse says “What?”

And I say….

“The reason I ask is, I got a cousin Gerald who has always been a little light in the loafers if you know what I mean, and I wanted to be sure I didn’t have any hemoglobin’s in my blood because I am straight up heterosexual”

She got up from her desk and left without saying a word….

But not before I told her…

“Gerald was in the Coast Guard, I don’t know if he got them hemoglobin’s from the Coast Guard or he was just born with it, but I suspect he was always that way”

A few minutes later “another” serious looking nurse invites me back to the offices and asks me to set in a chair as they are going to take another blood sample…

She asked me which arm I would like to have the blood sample taken from….

I thought that was the perfect time to say…

“I use my left arm to shoot heroin so let’s go with the right arm”

You would have thought that nurse backed into an electric fence before she ran down the hall

Good thing she didn’t stick me with the needle before she decided to flee in terror or I would have bleed to death

Then the Oscar Myer Weiner Doctor walks up…..
As he proceeds to introduce himself, which to be honest I really wasn’t listening…

I noticed his name tag said….
“Dr. Mohammad Al-Elia Acabar Momar Kadiffi Jihad”

Note to Self: Add two other criteria for Doctors and Lawyers and Veterinarians list

1.Don’t have a Doctor, Lawyer or Veterinarian with “Mohammad” in their name even if it’s Muhammad Ali

2.Avoid at all costs any Doctors, Lawyers or Veterinarians with “Jihad” in their name, for reasons that should be abundantly clear

So after he finished introducing himself I felt obligated to ask…

“You sure do look familiar to me, do me a favor and raise your hands above your head for a minute….”
“Didn’t I capture you a few years ago?”

He said something about “Jihad” and something else I’m not quite sure of, but I was sure I didn’t want him as my Oscar Myer Weiner Doctor, I am far too attached to that part of my body to have Jihad declared on my personal business.

And then good fortune struck….

Walking down the hall was my swim partner from the gym and proud University of Texas Longhorn Graduate, Doctor Eric, who just so happens to be an Oscar Myer Weiner Doctor.

We chit-chatted for a moment and as fast you could say “Hook Em Horns”, Doctor Eric is my Urologist.

I also think it is worth mentioning here that Doctor Eric shares my sense of humor and love of college football, as we talked about both before we “got down to business”

Next week he and I will have a little procedure to go through, me more so that Doctor Eric, but we are in this thing together.

I will be on the injured reserve list for the next couple of weeks, so don’t worry about your favorite college football prognosticator I will be back in the lineup before spring practice.

And before you ask….

The reason I checked my vehicle for IED’s had nothing to do with seeing Doctor Mohammad Jihad in the parking lot before I left the medical park.

It’s just precautionary, that’s all.



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3 Responses to Injury Timeout

  1. TheBamaPrincess on February 28, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Even when you are sick you’re funny! Hysterical and that is some good advice on choosing a doctor!
    The BamaPrincess

  2. Kaye on March 7, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    thanks for your well timed humor. I “get to have”
    this test in a few weeks. Yea!

  3. Matt H on March 9, 2012 at 11:40 am

    As always, HILARIOUS! Thanks Brother.

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