Ladies and Gentlemen
We are in the time I like to refer to as the doldrums of College Football…
Recruiting is over for the time being and Spring Practice hasn’t started.
So, in an effort to keep you (My faithful Readers) entertained…
I have a brief story for you to fill the void of our beloved college football.
Last week I had scheduled a physical examination because, well, I haven’t had one since I returned from overseas and I am getting to “that age” when I also need to make an appointment for “The Journey to the Center of the Earth” also known as a colonoscopy.
So my name is called and I walk through the doors and meet “Nurse Nancy”, who I am sure came from a long line of female prison guards or East German shot-putters, and she asked me to “step on the scale”. Now I’m not afraid to step on the scale as I have somehow retained my boyish good looks and youthful figure as I candidly pointed out to her, but her sneer and subsequent utterance of “We will see, won’t we” made me feel obligated to ask her, “Should I get buck naked or just hop on the scale?”
To be honest I wouldn’t have tried to be so funny and just followed the simple instructions she gave me about getting on the scale if I would have known Nurse Nancy was also going to take my blood pressure a few minutes later. I have had tourniquets applied to me that weren’t that tight. But at least I saw a slight smile cross her face when she heard me whimper like a four year old girl when that blood pressure warp almost cut off my arm.
Blood Pressure Good- Check!
Pulse Good – Check!
The Doctor comes in…
Good Old Doctor Dan, he’s a good guy…
We chat, talk about the weather, he listens to my chest and breathing, all good – Check!
I ask how he and his family are doing….
He checks some old injuries and declares me healthy as a horse – Check!
Ladies I know that you all have some issues with what I am about to discuss, but you may want to divert your eyes for a moment because I need to commensurate with my fellow man here for a minute.
Guys, I simply don’t understand modern technology.
I don’t get it.
They take something that looks like dental floss and 10 million people can talk on it at the same time, it’s called fiber-optics, right?
We have phones that can fit in the palm of your hand and can talk around the world and beyond with the click of a single button. Believe that?
We have products that aren’t much wider than an envelope that you can read a book on send email and conduct your banking business on all at the same time. It’s true.
Organ Transplants; heart, liver etc. don’t even make the news anymore and are as routine as removing tonsils. It’s astounding isn’t it?
Yet here we are in the 21st century and a Doctor checks a man’s prostrate by sticking his hand up his butt.
Can’t they make a wand like the kind they have at airports to kind of wave around your butt?
How about a something that looks like a smoke detector that you can hold for a couple of minutes that will sound an alarm if your prostrate has issues?
No, a Doctor has to stick his hand in my butt.
Can’t technology be applied evenly? It doesn’t make any sense to me, at all.
If I have a satellite phone that can talk to Mars, can’t they make something that will tell me if my prostrate or colon is on the fritz?
It baffles me to no end.
So now is the time Doctor Dan says…”Ok Lets check you’re prostrate”
Two Minutes later I hear Doctor Dan ask in his comforting voice…
“Are you experiencing any discomfort?”
Yes I reply meekly…
Why Doctor Dan asks…
Because you have your hand in my Butt, I say….
It was at this point I begged him to STOP laughing and told him I would be checking to ensure his class ring was still on his finger when he was done with the examination.
As Doctor Dan completed the remaining paper work I couldn’t help but ask him something that was on my mind about my next Doctor’s visit.
I asked him when I get my colonoscopy next month if I can get the video of it on a DVD.
Doctor Dan looked puzzled and asked me why I would want something like that.
I told him I wanted to put music to it, you know like the Theme from “Jaws” or “2011 a Space Odyssey” and make copies of it, entitle it “Journey to the Center of the Earth” and send it out next year as Christmas gifts.
With a shake of his head Doctor Dan says he has never heard of a request like that, which I personally find hard to believe, but he will see what he can do.
So I’m off to get my blood work done, I hope Nurse Nancy isn’t in charge of that too or this may be my last post.
But I still think I should be able to walk into something that looks like a phone booth and get all the information I need without all the poking and prodding, you know what I mean?
And just for the record, Doctor Dan still had his class ring on when I left his office.
THE CFB WIZARD