The 2011 CFB Wizard Awards

December 15, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen –

It’s time once again for the coveted 2011 CFB Wizard Awards!

Now I know that many of you will be going about your Christmas chores this time of year and may feel that you are too busy or perhaps have fallen behind in shopping for the various gifts on your Christmas list to enjoy this prestigious of all College Football Awards article.

It’s time to take a break and pour a glass of that “special” eggnog, kick your feet up and relax.

The Award Show is about to begin…



Last week Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator finished the week at 6 and 1 with my only loss due to the Fighting Okra getting fried to a crisp in the Division II Playoffs.

So for the last week of the College Football Season the CFB Wizard was 86%

We close the 2011 College Football Season at 710 and 192 or 79%.

That’s a whole lot of college football game picking my friends

Now before you start to get your Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer underwear in a knot because the college football season is over, let me remind you that we still have the Bowl games to discuss and maybe a story or two to keep you entertained during the Christmas season.

So Stay Tuned…

But before I forget, I hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas or a Happy Hanukkah or a Crazy Kwanza or a Randy Ramadan or whatever it is people celebrate now days.

And as a holiday safety tip….

If you are approached by what would appear to be one of “Santa’s Elves” in your local Shopping Mall and he asks you “if you would like to see the free summer sausage give away”

Don’t say a word, just avert your eyes, turn around and go find a policeman.

And before you ask “No” I don’t want to talk about it


Hello from the heart of SEC country!!!

Well, High School football season is officially over now.
All the championship trophies have been given out, lights turned out in the stadiums and fields, and the kids have moved on to basketball and other activities. It’s always a little sad when winter sets in and I get up on Saturdays to find the sports pages now feature stories of Bowl games and basketball and the High School football tales have faded away. But, that’s the way it’s always been and will always be. I’ll continue to keep an eye out for a little recruiting news from the colleges or some Telfair High basketball or baseball write ups, biding my time, until the Friday Night Lights of the fall once again light the stage for another encore performance of a game we all love so dearly.

But there was one game that I watched Saturday that should have been on the National Stage. Ghosts of Erk were stirring in Statesboro once again as the Georgia Southern Eagles played another game on their road to the Football Championship Subdivision National Championship. And oh, what a game it was. This game featured running and passing, penalties and turnovers, and was in doubt until the last few ticks of the clock. That bust of Erk in the endzone of “The Prettiest Little Stadium in America” surely smiled as he gazed on the scene as these proud Birds clawed their way to a hard earned 35-23 victory over a feisty bunch of Maine Black Bears. Jaybo Shaw, the transfer quarterback from North Avenue, scored 2 touchdowns on the ground and 1 through the airways as the Eagles racked up 476 yards of total offense on a chilly day beside Eagle Creek. Chipping in with another couple of touchdowns and 99 yards on the ground was JJ Wilcox, a Junior Running Back from Cairo, Ga. And for those of you that don’t know, down here it’s called “Kay-row”.

Also contributing were Dominique Swope, a Freshman from Buford, Ga, Jonathon Bryant, another Cairo native, Nico Hickey, of Columbus, Darreion Robinson, an Athens native, and bruiser Robert Brown from Macon. After a difficult week last week against Old Dominion, the defense stiffened early and held the Bruins to under 75 rushing yards. In fact, the Eagles had the ball in the first quarter for 14 of 15 minutes after an interception of the Black Bears on their second play of the game and 2 time consuming drives by the Eagles. The Blue Birds sent the Bears home with the Statesboro Blues as a late interception by corner Jerrick McKinnon, a converted quarterback from Marietta, sealed the deal for the home team. At that point, and as is tradition at Paulson stadium, the rowdy and fired up fans pulled out and shook their car keys, symbolically telling the visiting Bears to drive home safely. Next up for the Eagles is a tough and gritty North Dakota State Bison team at their house in Fargo, ND. I’m sure Coach Jeff Monken will carry on the tradition of bringing a little of that beautiful Eagle Creek water with him to bless the North Dakota State field with and bring these high flying Birds a little luck in their quest for an unprecedented 8th National Title Crown. Good Luck Eagles!!!!

Looking down the road to the New Year’s festivities our other home state teams will be involved in a little bowl action. Georgia Tech will be taking on Utah in the Sun Bowl in El Paso and the Georgia Bulldogs will travel to Tampa to take on the Michigan State Spartans.

I’m going to steal a little of the Wizards thunder today and make a couple of predictions on these games. I believe that the Red Clay Hounds are gonna have a bitter taste in their mouth after falling to the Bayou Bengals at the SEC Championship Game. That 10 game winning streak wasn’t a fluke. The Spartans will still be smarting after falling to Wisconsin for the Big 10-ish Championship, but I just don’t think they have enough to get it done against a tough SEC defense with revenge on their minds. The Dawgs have enough offense to push them over the top on this one, so, I picking the Canines in a close one, 24-21.

Meanwhile, The Wreck was up and down at times this season. After losing 4 of their last 6, the question is, will the defense step up and show some heart and will the Utes, with over a month to prepare, be able to stop the Stingers’ offense? There’s a lot on the line for the Slide Rule Jocks as they want to finish strong and go into next year’s recruiting battles with positive momentum. I’m feeling another close one with the Bee’s pulling off a 28-27 nail biter.
Let’s hope our home state heroes play well!!!

In closing, this edition, I wanted to share with you some things that I thought about while reviewing and pondering this 2011 College Football Season.

I like Mark Richt. Stoic. Unemotional on the sideline. He’s taken a lot of heat over the years because he’s “unemotional” and doesn’t get “fired up” on the sidelines. For those who think this is what wins championships and ballgames think about this. I never remember Bear Bryant or Vince Dooley doing cartwheels on the sidelines and those two gentlemen did a pretty respectable job over their tenures.

I like the workmanlike attitude of the Alabama Crimson Tide. I seldom, if ever, saw the chest thumping and self adulation after making a play by any of Nick Saban’s team.
Play like you been there before. That kind of sums it up

I like the traditions of football in the South.
They’re still alive and will probably live on until the end of time.
The tailgating.
Howard’s Rock at Clemson.
Toomer’s Corner in Auburn.
The Grove at Oxford.
UGA, the great mascot of the University of Georgia.
Revered symbols of Southern tradition. We can’t celebrate the old South without offending the politically correct, but we can, by God, beat the snot out of your football team and send you back up North or out West with your tail between your legs. Maybe this is what was meant by that saying, “The South shall rise again.” It has.

I like Saturdays in the South. Not all of us can go to Athens, Atlanta, Gainesville, or Columbia. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t loyal fans. As someone should have said, “We cling to our Bibles and Guns…. and our favorite college football teams.” We work the fields or cut the lawns, rake the leaves and wash the cars, around the most sacred time of the week; Kickoff.

I like my boys. They’re not big jocks. They weren’t overachieving athletes in High School.
In fact, my two oldest only played baseball in their High School days. The youngest played a little peewee football and seemed to have a knack for it but never pursued it as he got older. My oldest and youngest are Bulldog fans. My middle son is a Tech fan. I’m split between the two. But, the bottom line, and most important thing is that they are all college football fans.
No matter how much of a strained relationship that we may have had from time to time while they were growing up, we always had that common bond of College Football. College Football has been described as a religion here in the South, and that’s true. But it’s more. It is a meeting place for us to share joy, or make peace with each other after a terrible disagreement. It’s a bond between fathers and sons. Mothers and daughters. Parents and kids.

Well, that’s about all I’ve got for this week. I hope I haven’t bored you with some of my personal insights. Hope everyone’s team wins and you have a great week.

And remember; make sure you support your local High School Athletics.
These are your future collegians of tomorrow.

Until next time,
I’m Harley Hanesworth


Q: Dear Sir,

As a leading advocate for college athletics and collegiate activities, I felt compelled to send you a note of explanation for why the prestigious institution of higher learning that I represent has decided not to play the National Anthem prior to sporting events.

We here at Goshen College, are representatives of the Mennonite church. We have a pacifist outlook on life and conduct ourselves by staying true to those pacifist traditions. We utterly abhor violence and aggression. You see, we feel that it is against our principles to use war as a way of defending our country. We could use much more civil and humane ways of defense to do so. For example, if Canada were to try to invade our sovereign nation, we propose that all Marines and Soldiers line up at the border and hold hands. Canada’s troops would do the same. At this point the opposing “warriors” would play a rousing game of Red Rover!!!

No one would get hurt, save a few strained biceps but it would be completely safe and act as a team building exercise between our two nations. As a matter of fact, in light of our pacifist traditions, we recently proposed some rule changes to the NCAA regarding the violence exhibited on the football field.
One of those was that rather than tackling an opponent who is carrying the ball, that we instead have a defender impede the progress of an opposing running back, ask him to lay down in a prone position, and then have said defender lay gently atop said offensive player. This will instill a kind of gentle aura to the heretofore violent nature of this game.

I hope you understand and support our position.

Thank You
Jim Brenneman
Goshen College

A: To tell you the truth……
I had a difficult time reading your email with my Gay-Dar going off…

Q: MR WIZARD!!!!!!!!!

Have you been watching those NFL games on the television?
HAVE YOU SEEN MY DREAMBOAT AND ALL TIME LOVE OF MY LIFE MR TIM TEEBOW DO HIS THANG!!!!???? Lordy, I caint hardly stand myself right now!!!

I watched that Broncos and Chicargo game and just about tee-teed in my paints I was so EXCITED!!! He went and won hisself another one of those big games!!! And do you know what else? Well, let me tell you because I betcha don’t!! Remember that lady comedic girl Mrs Carol Burnett? Remember how she’d go to tuggin and pullin on her ear at the end of her show to give a shout out or say howdy to somebody special?

Well, guess what my momma Raylene told me?? She said that whenever my darling and sugar dumpling Tim Tebow went to wiping his nose that it was a special SHOUT OUT TO ME!!!!!

I sat there Sunday glued to my TV set and he musta wiped his nose about a dozen times!!! Did you see???? AND THAT WAS FOR ME!!!!! I get goose pimples just thinking about that!!!

The only thing that kinda concerned me was that there was a couple of times that he actually stuck a finger in his nose. Do you suppose that means what I think it means? I mean I’m not that kinda girl and he’s a fine young man and I don’t think he’d do such a thing when we barely know each other. But then, I got to thinkin about that Presdent we had by the name of Bill Clinton when he got in that trouble with that little secretary girl Marsha Lowenstien and how he said that some things folks do to each other aint really sex and I just don’t know.

Mr Wizard, do you think that Tim Tebow wants to perform some carnal act of nature on me? Please let me know. I don’t want to get knocked up and be a unwed mother.

Our trailer house aint quite big enough for another baby. I’m depending on you Mr Wizard!!!

Tracy in Homassassa

A: Before you get too lathered up Tracy, have you asked Santa for your Timmy this Christmas?

Q: Dear Jackass

I can’t believe somebody hasn’t run your dumbass out of town over all the crap you write about some football teams, there must be a whole bunch of folks from Trojans to War Eagles that would like to string you up!

You must have more enemies than Iran by now; do you have to leave your house in a disguise to go to the grocery store? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Anonymous – Columbus, Ohio

A: Well “Anonymous” it’s a lot like when Johnny Cash sings….
“Wanted man in California,
Wanted man in Buffalo
Wanted man in Kansas City,
Wanted man in Ohio

Wanted man in Mississippi,
Wanted man in ole’ Cheyenne

Wherever you might look tonight you might see this wanted man

I might be in Colorado,
Or Georgia by the sea
Working for some man who may not know who I might be

If you ever see me coming and if you know who I am

Don’t you breathe it to nobody ’cause you know I’m on the lamb.”

EDITORS NOTE: Anytime I can work in a Johnny Cash quote it’s going to be a good day


The Michael Jackson Never Land Ranch Award

The winner of this award goes to former Penn State Defensive Coordinator Jerry Sandusky for reasons that should be abundantly obvious.

EDITORS NOTE: Like you I have read several articles from a number of publications that stated that the other coaches on the Penn State staff, to include the head coach “should have known” something was going on with Jerry Sandusky.

I am confused by such comments and I will tell you why…
Because it’s very difficult to say what goes on with someone when you are not at work with them, even if you work long hours together over long periods of time.

If someone you work with has a drinking problem, you might, on an occasion smell alcohol on their breath, but in this case I would think it would be more difficult to detect the smell of cotton candy and ten year old boy butt.

I’m sorry, Too soon?

Santa’s Little Helper Award

This is a new award is presented to that college football team or individual that has exhibited the ability to touch lives around the country through their work “Off the Football Field”

The first recipient of this very important award goes to none other than…..

Former Ohio State Buckeye Coach Jim Tressel for his extensive and noteworthy performance in the popular children’s Christmas Program “Santa Opens a Tattoo Parlor”.

Congratulations Jim!

Quotable Coach of the Year Trophy

The winner of the “Coach’s Quote of the Year Trophy” goes to Montana Tech Coach Bob Green when he said; “Those guys we are playing this week are rougher than a Pine Cone toilet seat”

Enjoy a few more classic sound bites from Coach Green here, they are priceless.
Click on the picture and enjoy….

The Two Bits, Four Bits, Six Bits a Dollar everyone that has a head coach whose wife looks like a ten dollar hooker stand up and Holler Award

This unusual Award goes to none other than the Arizona Wildcats for hiring Rich Rodriguez who felt obligated to bring his wife Rita to the “Welcome to Arizona” news conference.

And although Rita Rod was dressed more like a five dollar crack whore, she was the closest contestant to winning this prestigious honor.

Who am I kidding she was the only one in the running.

Congratulations, I think

The Ebonics Geography Award

This prestigious award goes to the team and or conference that exhibits a complete lack of geographical awareness and the winner is…..

The Big East Conference

Who recently added Boise State, San Diego State, Houston, SMU and Central Florida to their (BIG EAST) conference and unless I missed something there isn’t anything “EAST” about any of the teams mentioned above.

Newest Catch Phrase that can be used in Almost Any Situation Award

The latest “catch phrase” that can be used in almost any situation:

“The Monkey Turd fell off the Cheese”

As in….

Stanford’s Andrew Luck looked like he was going to win the Heisman Trophy and then his Monkey Turd fell off the cheese”

EDITORS NOTE: No need to thank me for this phrase, it’s what I do. I’m a trend setter.

Mystery of the Year Award

This Award sponsored in part by Agatha Christie goes to none other than the Kansas Jayhawks who have created quite the mystery by making us all wonder…..

Is there a minimum weight requirement to be the head football Coach at Kansas?

Lewis Grizzard Award for Media Savvy and Abstract Thought

This award named after the greatest Southern humorist that ever lived…..

The award goes to the former Head Coach of Coastal Carolina Bennett Presser for this post game news conference this past season which quickly became a YouTube sensation.

Sadly the University let Coach Presser go at the end of the season after posting a 7 -5 record, but his words will live forever in our hearts.

That Drunk Guy at the Game Award

This award is given annually to the guy who best represents his or her University or college as the most obnoxious or stupid representative of their fine institution while under the influence of alcohol at a college football game.

The runner-up in a very close contest…..
From burning their own respective couches to tackling trashcans, the Mighty West Virginia Mountaineer Fans are always in the running for this award.

And the Winner is…..

This Ohio State Fan representin’ the Buckeyes.
This example of excellence in over intoxication will forever be remembered for his efforts and the indelible stains left on the floor. AND, he gives Ohio State a big win in SOMETHING this year, so congratulations!

Frankly the video is simply to gross to show….
But suffice to say I think at some point we have all seen vomit….

How Proud his parents must be….
Now THAT is money well spent on a quality education!

The National Spelling Bee Award

The Winner is……
Auburn University for their perennial prowess in misspelling their own name

The Phil Fulmer Award sponsored by Krispy Kreme

This award goes to Kansas Jayhawk Coach Charlie Weiss who continues to defy the forces of nature and gravity by eating his weight in Ding Dongs, Hot Dogs and Bear Claws on a daily basis.

The Worst Mascot in Collegiate Sports Award

I really don’t see any University ever unseating the Geoducks of Evergreen State for this award.

That mascot looks like ah, well you know…..

The “Our Cheerleaders Are Also On The Scout Team” Award

This award goes to those precious girls roaming the sidelines of Georgia’s Sanford Stadium. This Bulldog eye candy is 100% Prime Cut Beef and will kick your ass if you don’t stand up for the National Anthem.

The Collard Greens Award for Southern Sports Writing presented by the Demopolis Alabama Agriculture Extension Office in Beautiful Demopolis Alabama.

Modesty prevents me from telling you the first four time winner of this prestigious award in Southern Sports writing is none other than Your Favorite College Football Prognosticator.

Your adulation embarrasses me…

Have a Great Weekend…
Your first installment on the Bowl picks will be out tomorrow, so stay tuned…



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